What if SK decides it is a no-go for our relationship? This possibility exists and I really shudder thinking about it.

SK said we had very different perspectives on our relationship. She's a realist while I'm an idealist. She wants to iron out all issues before committing, because it will be easier for us to pull the plug if we cannot accept our differences; however, being idealistic, I believe we could resolve all issues with God as our foundation and our love for each other.

While we have difference perspectives, we still very much want/wish to take our relationship to the next level. This is really where realism meets idealism. I pray that God will continue leading us, and really let His will be done. He is the Alpha and the Omega, and only He knows what is best for us. We can only submit and trust His guidance.

I realize loving someone unconditionally is tough; in fact, it is so tough that I occasionally wished she would change a little to ease my loving... And I hate myself for not being able to love as unconditionally as I think I could... No matter, I will still try to love SK as unconditionally as possible - love that I think God has given me to shower SK with... I just have to put away the puny humanly me aside...

When is too much too much?

Will I ever stop believing the existence of true love?

Will I believe the lights at the end of the tunnel are from the headlights of an approaching train?

Is an idealist hit by realism more pitiful compared to a realist rejecting idealism?

Is this entry meaningful at all?

While everyday is unique on its own, the date six days ago has three consecutive prime numbers to marked it. It was 13 November [20]07; in short, it was 13/11/07¹.

The main aim of this entry is not to belatedly celebrate that day; the mentioning of that day is to set the stage for the funniest joke I heard today.... :p

I told SK about the uniqueness of 13 November on that day itself; however, after six days, with a very serious and confident look, she told me that the next date that share the same trait would be 17/13/11.

"Ahah, but how do you have 13 months in a year?" I asked, suppressing my laughter.

"Oh ya..." Embarrassed, she started pinching me.

Then she thought for a little while longer, and said "I know, the next one with consecutive primes is 3/7/11!"

"Erm.... you skipped one prime, my dear; 5 is a prime number." I pointed it out deadpan.

"Is it???" and she punched me for her careless mistake....

Isn't SK adorable? I simply love this woman's charm..... ;)

¹ Using UK locale.

There are highs, as well as lows. Fluctuating is inevitable... and giving up is not an option...

SUTEKI DA NE (Isn't it Wonderful) Composer: Nobuo Uematsu | Singer: Rikki
Japanese Romaji	English Translation
Kaze ga yoseta kotoba ni Oyoida kokoro Kumo ga hakobu ashita ni Hazunda koe	My heart, swimming In the words the wind has borne A voice, bouncing On a tomorrow carried by clouds
Tsuki ga yureru kagami ni Furueta kokoro Hoshi ga nagare koboreta Yawarakai namida	A heart, trembling On a mirror where the moon quivers A star falls, spills Gentle teardrops
Suteki da ne Futari te wo tori aruketa nara Ikitai yo Kimi no machi ie ude no naka	Isn't it wonderful If we could walk, holding hands I'd want to go To your town, your house, into your arms
Sono mune Karada azuke Yoi ni magire Yume miru	To your heart I leave my body Mixed into the night I dream
Kaze wa tomari kotoba wa Yasashii maboroshi Kumo wa yabure ashita wa Tooku no koe	The wind stops; your words Are a kind illusion The clouds break apart; tomorrow Is a distant voice
Tsuki ga nijimu kagami wo Nagareta kokoro Hoshi ga yurete koboreta Kakusenai namida	A heart flowing In a mirror clouded by the moon A star wavers, spills Tears you can't hide
Suteki da ne Futari te wo tori aruketa nara Ikitai yo Kimi no machi ie ude no naka	Isn't it wonderful If we could walk, holding hands I'd want to go To your town, your house, into your arms
Sono kao Sotto furete Asa ni tokeru Yume miru	That face Touch it, just so And dream a dream That melts in the morning

My feelings now....

Some things in life are simply too good to be true, so much so that people become skeptical about them...

They could simply be God's blessings, and all we need to do is to take a leap of faith and accept His gifts...

I pressingly need that courage to leap....

Still not.... :(

It's perplexing to have friends who think they are always in the right, especially with those don't practice what they preach. Well, I must admit that at times I do behave that way too, 'cos I'm not perfect after all. But I think I need to blog my observations to remind myself not to behave like that anymore.

Yes, I may not have seen enough of the world¹, and that my perception of it is anything but naive. Although that is the case, I don't understand why my friends reprimand me when I echo out the thoughts of my naive mind, almost rendering me for being useless. "No, why must you say that? Don't you understand.... blah, blah, blah...." and off they rattle on and on how wrong I am; but they go on to do the very things they preach against.

For example, I said I enjoyed very much meddling with the computer (e.g., programming, trying software). My friend reprimanded me for wasting too much time playing with the computer, and advised me to go out more often to socialize². What's wrong with me enjoying meddling with the computer? It's my hobby! I rolled my eyes when I knew he was wasting time meddling with facebook.

It can be emotionally tiring to have to put up with these people, but I thank God for showing me through them that I behave like that too. I pray I will break this behavior and learn to accept these friends as who they are, just like Christ accepting me while I am still a sinner....

¹ A big revelation SK has shown me.

² And, of course, he continued to rattle on I ought to start looking for a relationship, etc... Duh!

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Lyrics of "What I've Done" by Linkin Park

I'm feeling disturbed and guilty, and I just need mercy come and wash away what I've done. I need to first forgive what I've done, shake the shackles of guilt off myself, and seek God for His forgiveness and reconciliation.

Note: I know I should have chosen a "Christian song" to express my feelings, but I think this song has more than appropriately described my feelings. And other than the lyrics, the music arrangement resonates my struggles too.

Despite I have decided not to traverse the emotional spectrum again, I accidentally made a short trip in it, and hurt SK in the process.

Earlier, she reminded me the possibility of us breaking up one day, with which I responded with the oh-so-standard answer "yup, I am aware that God's answer may be negative." I guessed I hadn't fully internalized that answer because when SK said this evening that she couldn't somehow find the peace to start our relationship officially, I was again thrown into confusion. I spoke some hurting words - words which didn't went through my brain 'cos I said them in the spur of confusion - that grieved SK. However, SK was patient enough to wait for me to apologize, for she knew I was saying those words in the spur of my confusion.

Somehow SK has this amazing ability to bring the best out of me; or to put it more correctly, SK has the capabilities help me change for the better by accepting and pointing out my flaws. Well, I wouldn't say I've become a better person today, but at least, I know what traits of mine I need to work on.

Our affections for each other have grown at breakneck speed, therefore, I was once again way too ahead of myself like I did in September. I believe SK loves me as much as I love her, but she is just short of that peace to start our relationship officially. In fact, she told me that she thought we officiated our relationship last night when we were praying together; perhaps, that peace she had last night was but a flash. I really pray that God will give her the peace she needs. Or the conviction for me to leave SK if this isn't His intended relationship.

Last Saturday, SK executed "Project LL" with her friends - Jo, Yin and Choi, in an attempt to transform me into a metrosexual person. That sounds really like a noble thing; but I know, I was turned into an elaborated, life-sized "play doll".... Haha.... :p

Okay, okay, I do feel grateful of their efforts to "save" me - a fashion disaster - from "eternal condemnation"... After all, Yin is a professional designer, and as SK attest, Yin is very proficient in designing and sensitive with colors. But I'm not sure what Yin was thinking when she and Jo were choosing the clothes; despite me telling her that I was mainly a light-colored person (i.e., I normally wear light-colored clothes), they still tried to don me in dark-colored clothes. They picked a few pairs of dark-colored regular fit jeans, and numerous brown and blue striped polo tees. Okay, it was just me, but I actually didn't have the courage to look at myself straight in the mirror when I changed; I thought I looked very weird. It has been donkey years since I last wear anything dark.

Well, I guess I just need some getting used to dressing myself up; after all, I have been neglecting my appearance for a freaking long time.... Thanks SK, Jo, Yin and Choi.... ;)

I'm only human, so naturally, I have my fair share of struggles in my walk with God. I love this song "What if I Stumble?" by dc Talk very much. It really reminds me of my rugged journey of faith. More often than not, I stumble in my walk with God; a constant struggle that leave me doubting my love for Him. Just as Paul has elegantly said:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Romans 7:15
Paul teaches

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Romans 12:2a

What then is socially acceptable may not please God; but I guess I have been (unconsciously) conditioned to accept these twisted "truths" the world is advocating. Usually, I regret doing the things I know I shouldn't do/accept when I reflect on my actions; why can't I just pause and think of God when I'm just about to do the things that grieve Him? How big is God in my life?

I know God will forgive me when I confess my sins before Him; the only thing that may be stopping me from doing that is my guilt. Father, thank you for being my comfort, and my God....

I was very relieved when I received SK's call this evening. Yup, she's back home, safe and sound. I'm really grateful to God for that... :)

We met for dinner, and she thanked God for bringing me into her life when she was saying grace. I too thank God for bringing SK into my life... :)

On a separate note, Mum is due for another checkup tomorrow. According to the appointment card, it seems that tomorrow is the start of the second cycle of her chemotherapy. This is very strange, as the doctor seems to have forgotten to factor in the (white blood cells) recovery period. Perhaps, tomorrow's checkup (and blood test) is to check whether Mum is responding well to the drugs. In any case, her moods are picking up, and my prayer now is that her moods won't take another dip when the next round of chemotherapy starts....

It's been more than a day and a half, and I have not received any news from SK. I'm getting increasingly worried about her safety... Lord, please bring her safely back to our midst... :(

Day 2 of SK's weekend diving trip, and I'm already missing her terribly.

I do not know how to control my affections for SK, and that causes me to experience unnecessary emotional swings. I guess this is simply the effect of being in love for the first time¹ with someone who reciprocated² to my feelings; and in this case, SK. I am truly, madly, deeply³ in love with her now. Right now, I'm just pouring out all my affections that I have been accumulating all these years⁴ to her.

Every moment she is with me, I feel so loved. Every smile she shows, I'm so mesmerized. Every word she says becomes our secret. My world becomes wonderfully different when she is with me.

Last week, I told SK that I decided not to traverse the emotional spectrum anymore. Toggling between no-holds-barred and guard-your-heart made me very emotionally unstable. Instead, I told her that I chose to love her as unconditionally as I could even though she was still seeking the peace from God. I want not to have regrets for not loving her enough should our relationship don't work out. Yes, I may be hurt greatly when things don't turn out well, but at least, I would be comforted that it is not because I don't love her enough. I know my decision has a double-edged effect, but I am willing to stick to it out of my love for SK. I know I'm clumsy handling my emotions, but the feelings that I've been showing her are as pure as they could be.

For now, I'm praying that SK will return from her trip safely. And I want to tell her I love her very much...

¹ I hope SK will be my last as well... :)

² Technically, she hasn't reciprocated: her reciprocation starts officially when God has given her the peace.

³ I know, I know this song sounds very cliché, and SK has already "reprimanded" for saying that to her.... :p

⁴ Yes, I know this sounds cliché too... Haha... :p

SK is away this weekend for a diving trip in Tioman Island.

This evening, SK called and told me that she witnessed the aftermath of a ferry burning. Her ferry circled the sinking boat when it was making its way to Tioman. Her ferry managed to save about 10 persons. One of the survivors on her ferry said he saw his mother drowning before his eyes. The survivors said they did not know what happened, 'cos they were sleeping when the ferry burned. The smoke woke them up, and instinctively, they jumped into the sea even though they were not given any life jackets. Some of them grabbed hold of the tire to keep themselves afloat.

I could sense in her voice that she was shaken by this accident. Tragedy struck when the passengers on that ferry were happily journeying to take a break together with their families. Who would have thought the ferry would burn for no apparent reason? In fact, who would have thought tragedy will befall them when they are holidaying? Although SK prayed for the survivors, she couldn't help but feel depressed for the deceased.

This tragedy reminds me to treasure people around me - my parents, SK, siblings-in-Christ, and friends. There is no telling what is going to happen tomorrow; while it is easier said than done, I should live life like there's no tomorrow today. I pray too that God will comfort the survivors, as well as SK who witnessed the tragedy.

A quick summary on the accident: Of the 98 passengers on the manifest, 94 were rescued. 4 were drowned, and 5 injured. The local police were still searching for survivors 'cos they believed there were a few more passengers who were not in the manifest.

I'm starting to feel the thorns in the bed of roses. I am not complaining; in fact, I am grateful that this comes in early. We need to cross this if we want to bring our relationship to the next level.

I visited her church today. Though the time was short, SK's mentor, Doris, prayed for us after SK introduced me. Then we met her friends - Elaine, Jo and MS - for lunch. However, deeply affected by what happened yesterday, I wasn't in a sociable mood, thereby leaving a very bad first impression. My moods lightened up a bit during lunch, but it wasn't enough to revert me to my normal self... :(

While we are not in the resolve-conflicts stage, our emotions are traversing the emotion spectrum wildly these days. SK told me that she was switching between happiness, exasperation, and indifference when we went out. Whereas I am switching my feelings for her between no-holds-barred and guard-my-heart modes. I know I am emotionally needy, and for that matter, I actually hate that part of me; when I least want it to come out, my emotional beast comes and makes everyone unhappy.

SK has been extremely patient with me. She has endured, and still is, parts of me that are under-developed. She cares enough for me to endure those parts, and not give up trying to make our relationship work. Though she recognizes our character differences, she believes that our relationship will work out if it is God-intended. Personally, she wants our relationship to work out too. However, she is choosing the harder way in handling our relationship; she wants to seriously think through whether she can accept the imperfect me for the rest of her life¹. She wants to be sure that she can accept my idiosyncrasies. She says she would rather be tired going through this thinking process now than to be tired for the rest of her life regretting for not considering carefully.

There are so many parts of me which are so unlovable, yet SK is still actively seeking God on our relationship, and is willing to try accepting me. I have to grow up from the immature just-do-what-I-want me. I could only draw strength from God to change. Though she shouldn't be my reason for changing myself, I would still very much want to change myself so that she doesn't have to see the worst part of me anymore. She is the most important person to me now...

¹ Whereas for me, I'm choosing the simpler and idealistic "accept her as who she is unconditionally" way.

Feeling reminiscence of an old blog entry now...

Mum's moods took another dip today, but her moods picked up when I chit-chatted with her after I reached home. I am thankful that God has given me the abilities to help mum picking up her moods. Perhaps, perhaps God is using me to communicate His love to mum... :)

On a separate note, I'm missing SK today. I sent her a message

Heyo, felt the urge to tell you that God loves you... and I love you too... ;)

but she reprimanded me for covering up my real intentions by "inserting" God's love in the message¹.... Haha.... :p

¹ I really felt the urge to tell her "God loves you"...

Mum cried today. She was depressed, wondering how she was to continue living. To her, the road to recovery seemed to go on forever. And today was only the second day into her first chemotherapy cycle... All I can do is to be by her side, and pray for the Lord to give her the peace and comfort.... And, yes! Mum allowed me to pray for her today! Now, I could only hope that she will open herself and accept Christ as her personal Savior! Hallelujah! :)

He is faithful. After speaking to me yesterday, He showed me Matthew 7:7 today:

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Then He put an old worship song - I could sing of your love forever - in my heart... I'm totally immersed in His love right now... Thank you, Father... :)

I really, really, really miss SK very much today. Although we parted ways yesterday at about 11pm, I cannot help but miss her so much. Why, Father, why are you torturing my heart so much?

"My child, you have to be patient; you have to wait."

"But, Father, haven't I waited long enough? I have waited for so long before this wonderful woman appear in my life."

"No, my child, I have been preparing you, molding you all these time. For now, you have to learn to wait before me."

"But I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together! I love her so much!"

"But you haven't loved me enough. You have also not learned waiting before me patiently."

"But Father, haven't you given me the convictions earlier? Now, I cannot imagine living without her... I want to be with her... I care not for the world; I just want give all my love to her." I teared.

"My child, aren't you going to give me your love too?"

"....."

"My child, I know your struggles, desires, and, well, simply your heart. But you have to learn to trust in [me] with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge [me], and [I] will make your paths straight."¹

"...." I cried.

"My child, be still and listen to me. I come not in the wind, earthquake, or fire, but in silence² I whisper to you. Still your heart, wait before me patiently. By then, you will no longer care about the answer you seek; you will rejoice in me in good and bad times³."

Lead me in Your ways....

¹ Proverbs 3:5-6

² The full text is from 1 Kings 19:11b-12 "Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper." This was how God spoke to Elijah the prophet.

³ This is the gist of Habakkuk 3:17-18 "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."

The easy part of our relationship has ended, and the hard just started. Nope, we didn't bring forward our "deadline" of 10 Oct; in fact, we pushed it back to a date that God Himself will determine. In a lot of ways, this decision is better than a simple yes or no.

Why are we doing this? Is SK feeling uncomfortable of our relationship? Well, kinda. It seems that we have kinda conveniently made God take a backseat these days, especially me. I have been focusing on SK more than seeking God after He has given me the convictions. I'm very grateful to SK for being so brutally honest in sharing her reflections. God spoke to me through her sharing when we met for dinner today.

We've been meeting almost everyday for the past two weeks, enjoying each other's companionship so much that I hardly set aside (quality) time seeking God's will on our relationship. SK feels that we are not submitting our relationship enough to God; we have put each other above our need for God.

In addition, SK also feels that we have not been spending enough time understanding each other's character. Well, we do have some feel of each other's character in general, but it is not enough. What if I have some jarring flaws, which have not surfaced, that she can't accept? She said that we should also ask our friends to help us "assess" each other because, after all, we might be blinded by love now. She also suggested that we should start visiting each other's church as a means to find out our understanding of God's words.

Her sharing today reminded me of my concern about a month ago. Before my confessions of my feelings for her, I asked her whether we should cut down our intense messaging, emailing, and "dates." Back then, I was very concerned at the speed our "relationship" was progressing; I thought we ought to slow it down so that we could have more time to know each other better. Well, after my confessions, as well as my acceptance of her past and my God-given convictions, things seemed to simply progressed exponentially instead. While I cannot deny the exponential progression might be God's work, I think I shouldn't have tossed out my concerns of "chemistry rush" totally either.

SK felt burdened, and suggested resetting our focus in seeking God. We both agreed our relationship needed God more than ever, as it progressed too fast, and we both wanted to start this relationship with marriage in mind; there is no turning back once we start. SK has a conviction that she will not start this relationship even if she only has a single doubt. She said she would give her all when she was very sure our relationship was indeed God intended.

I am really thankful that I have met SK. God has ministered to me through SK so much that I have already received a lot of blessings even when we have not started our relationship. SK is truly a great companion to have in my walk with God. I believe she will not be upset if I put God before her... It's not easy, but I'm more than willing to try... :)

Today's the eve of the 10-day countdown to the moment of truth. SK will tell me, on 10 Oct, what her convictions are for our relationship. Whatever answer she gives will have great implications. If she says yes, we will start our relationship proper¹, and also run the parallel thread of planning for wedding. Yup, things are on the fast track, but SK and I have the same mindset on our relationship. Pressures and conflicts are bound to happen, and from then on, we really have to trust God pulling us through all these chaos, and strengthening our love in the midst of these. In any case, God has kept us together despite a couple of hiccups thus far, so I believe He will continue to guide us in our days to come.

If she says no, I can only respect her decision, and try to get on with life again.². I think I will be very sad, 'cos, unlike the previous nine, SK has been on my mind in almost every waking moment³. She is too precious a woman I love, and giving her up is no easy task. Then again, forcing her won't do any one of us good; she is not the type of woman who will accept things forced upon her. Besides, I also want her to be happy even if she can't be with me. Yup, time will heal all wounds, but time can never remove the scars. I shudder thinking how life would be without her... She's only one more step to becoming my oxygen...

In any case, I believe God has His best intentions, no matter the outcome in 10 days' time. However, I could do hope that God will give SK the same convictions that I have about a week ago⁴.

¹ Well, despite all our going out these days, we are kinda like casual dating for the time being.

² I can only say what might happen to me; I can't be sure how SK will feel if things don't work out.

³ Sometimes, in my dreams too.... :p

⁴ Well, at this point in time, I believe my convictions are given by God.

Mum's conditions were not as bad as we anticipated; yes, her cancer relapsed. No doubt they found cancerous cells near her kidney and on her liver, the doctors were quite optimistic that the new round of chemotherapy would help in eliminating the cancerous cells. Yes, the doctors said that the cancerous cells were very aggressive, and the chemotherapy till July was only good enough to control their metastasis. However, mum is not entirely beyond cure despite the metastasis. I would only pray for mum's speedy recovery, so that she could attend church with me. For now, I guess I could only pray that God will open her heart in the midst of the new round of chemotherapy.

On a separate note, I had dinner with SK and her friend yesterday. SK was sharing her frustrations working with her colleague, which deeply affected her moods when she was on her way home. I didn't really know what to say, and for most of the time, I tried disrupting her train of thoughts, as well as being silent and simply lend her my ears. I felt quite helpless that I could neither fully share her frustrations, nor hug her to tell her that I would be there for her. I could only pray that God would keep her in His love while she was going through her frustrations... :(

Lost....

Mum was hospitalized again on Saturday. She complained having an acute pain somewhere near her right kidney area that morning, and we rushed her to the hospital. Having an acute pain so suddenly is very worrying, especially when she is a cancer patient. I tried (and am still trying) to be as optimistic as I could, hoping that it was nothing more than some elderly ailments.

Today, the doctors told my dad that my mum's kidney and the location she was operated on¹ were swelling. For now, they have no idea what caused the swelling; my mum's chemotherapist said she could not find anything in mum's urine and blood tests. Therefore, the doctors decided to send my mum for more scans and tests to find out the real cause.

I am just a layperson; if it is really a relapse, the cancerous cells within mum must be malignant². And I guess mum might not be able to hold till that long to see me settle down³. I could only pray that God will put His healing hands on her long enough for her to open her heart and accept Christ; she's beginning to open up, and I don't want her to go before Christ becomes her savior.

¹ The doctors did not state exactly which part of her body; they operated on at least three different locations.

² She just completed her chemotherapy in July.

³ It is one of her desires.

Monday blues... Something that I have not experienced for the longest time possible. In fact, I can't recalling ever suffering from Monday blues. Haha... Therefore, I can't even be sure whether I'm suffering from Monday blues today....

Anyway, I am very comforted to have Jasmine sending me messages, asking me what happened when she read the previous entries. Thanks, sis! :)

In any case, I'm simply listless today, tossing myself between extreme ends of the spectrum how I ought to face her next time. How on earth can I be affectionate, and yet guarding my heart at the same time? I do not know....

I guess my optimism kicked in so much that I forgot God's answer might be "No."¹ Aching, aching, aching... I'm allowing my heart to ache today; tomorrow, I will choose to be joyful, 'cos God has given me a lot more other gifts since the day I met SK.... If SK and I are together, it'll be a "jackpot"; otherwise, the small "winnings" in other aspects of my life aren't that shabby either....

Be joyful, dear me.... but that will start tomorrow, ya?

¹ For that matter, (I believe) the signs are clear, and the stars aligned, and SK is THE one. But if she vetoes, I guess there nothing the UN can do to salvage the relationship.

It was but a dream that I woke up too soon from... Perhaps I just wasn't worth having...

I think I just have to thank God for giving me another chance to learn an important lesson.... But I guess I'm just a fool who doesn't learn....

I have just hurt the one I love once again. I am just way too ahead of myself, not knowing how to guard my heart, and inevitably, put unnecessary pressure on her. I know it takes two hands to clap, but it is only now I realize its full intended meaning. I was so sure, but now, confused. It's a chained-combo slash on me 'cos I've hurt her again....

It has been so long since I last felt this, and this time, I just want a break from myself...

In less than an hour's time, "SK-and-SL-free" weekend will be over. But being only human, I guess all our notions of "beginning of a new day" start only when we wake up the next day. Technically, that means SK and I have not talked for more than 60 hours! OMG!

Well, in another sense, SK and I have been talking in the past two days. We were connected via our prayers to our Father in heaven, 2330hrs daily. It is really a wonderful experience, under the same night sky, going to Him at the same time, together with the person I like, praying for each other. My heart is filled with joy in these two days. The last message, prior to the start of "SK-and-SL-free" weekend, SK sent was "The joy of the Lord shall be our strength." (Neh 8:10) Amen to that! I hope she too is experiencing the joy of the Lord... ;)

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.Habakkuk 3:17-18

I am bathed in His love, and I want to thank Him no matter how things unfold between SK and me... :)

I met Weijun for lunch today. She is my long-time friend since our polytechnic days. When I asked about her current relationship, to my surprise¹, she was still seeing the man she met 10 years ago. She has not married him simply because he couldn't give her the sense of security she needed. However, her boyfriend did asked her about marriage, and they decided to start planning it next year².

Weijun continued to share about her health conditions, which weren't too good for the past four years. She became more pessimistic, and had once considered giving up living. It was her mum's love, and her love for her mum that persuaded her not to. Praise the Lord! After her sharing, I thought all her ailments were caused by her stresses from her work, relationships, and some other personal things. She is seeing a psychiatrist who is helping her to get out of her stresses, hoping that will relieve her from her health problems.

I also told Weijun about my relationship with SK³. And she felt very happy for me, simply because I finally found someone who could appreciate me. While she agreed with me that I ought to take things slowly with SK, she also encouraged me to officially start going out with SK. Other than the age factor⁴, Weijun thought that officially dating SK would help me to understand SK better, and resolve our differences earlier. Well, her suggestions made sense; SK too told me that our getting-to-know process would not stop after the one month deadline was up. However, I am afraid that I will conveniently push back seeking God's will beyond the one month deadline. And I think that is one very irresponsible and unfair act to SK if I were to do it.

In any case, more than 30 hours has passed since SK and I have our last conversation, and I am beginning to ***********⁵.

¹ Actually, I wasn't that surprised, since she told me the same thing last year.... :p

² And that means, by the time she marries, it will be about two years later.

³ Er... Today is supposed to be first day of the "SK-and-SL-free" weekend.... :p

⁴ Have I mentioned that SK is four years my senior?

⁵ I am not supposed to say anything 'cos today is the first day of the "SK-and-SL-free" weekend.... :(

Over lunch, SK's friend asked whether she was happy seeing me. And shortly after, SK called me, told me that defining question which mattered, and said "Unlike my previous relationships, I feel very happy seeing you."

I was very touched by her answer; we meant so much to each other....

However, we agreed to "take a break from each other" over this weekend to cool our emotions down a bit. We are simply too "addicted" to each other's presence, which we think is very unhealthy for us; for that matter, our relationship have not even begun (officially)! We decide to pray for each other's spiritual well-being, and for our relationship during this "SK-and-SL-free" weekend. In fact, we are starting this "break" tonight! We want to be right before God first, not wanting to create any opportunity for the devil to lead us astray.

On a separate note, I discover that SK and I could enjoy each other's companionship even when we don't exchange any words; silence is simply another channel for us to connect. And for that, I am very grateful to God. And for that matter, I look forward to the day when we could sit by the beach, looking at the beautiful blue sky, enjoying each other's presence in silence... :)

I cannot be sure whether our little "separation" will make our hearts grow fonder, but I'm sure that it will bring us closer to God.... :)

I hurt SK unintentionally yesterday when we met for dinner. I was still struggling internally about accepting her past when we met. I didn't know what to say, but I still tried my best not to surface that struggle in front of her. Even though, at that point of time, she couldn't place her finger on it, she sensed that I wasn't my usual self; in fact, she thought I was judging her because of her past. But she didn't show any signs of being hurt throughout the entire dinner.

However, she called me after the dinner, and told me how she felt like leaving the restaurant, wanted to cry so much, and thought she needn't allow herself to be judged by me. She said she didn't leave the restaurant because she decided to submit herself to God and let Him lead.

I hurt SK unintentionally, despite my best efforts not to. I pointed her immediately to my previous blog entry, asked for her understanding in my struggles, and apologized that I had hurt her unintentionally. In fact, we cleared some very important issues, which helped me in my struggles in accepting her past.

And God answered our prayers; I woke up this morning without the weight of the burden I had yesterday. When we met for coffee today, I enjoyed her presence so much that I was even reluctant to part with her. Today's experience was radically different from yesterday's. And there can only be two reasons:

1. God has simply taken away my burden overnight.
2. I am already molded by Him to have the capacity to accept her unconditionally through my previous (failed) attempts in getting into relationship.

Whatever the reason is, we are both very grateful to God for His faithfulness. And for now, before the one-month "deadline" is up, we will wait before Him patiently at the foot of His throne, praying for His guidance how our relationship should proceed from here...

I am struggling very hard within myself now. SK has told me how messed-up¹ her previous relationship was. Her sharing opened my eyes, and made me realized just how ignorant and idealistic I was about life. And I finally understand why people think that I am just a young kid despite my physical age: my life experience just isn't rich enough...

I live in a "clean room" environment, and to me, the world is largely a beautiful place. I know there are sides in the world I am kinda curious of, but am fully aware that I shouldn't step into them. To me, those sides of the world are at most surreal; never in my life would I have thought I might be stepping anywhere near them.

No, SK is not from that world, but her previous relationship seems to have made her "take a little short trip in it". Oh well, I don't really know the minute details, but my simpleton mind tells me that she has stepped into that world for a brief moment².

I realized how naive I was after hearing her sharing. In all my life, I have always thought that I have seen enough of the world to know how rough life can be. I thought my ability to mingle with the gangsters³ made me a little more streetwise, as compared to my peers. I thought that being raised in the middle-lower class family had made me come in contact with more people who were baptized by the harsh realities of life, as compared to those born with silver spoons in their mouths. But I am wrong; the surreal world that has attracted my curiosity via the movies and songs suddenly becomes so real to me now.

I am struggling now whether or not to find out the minute details of her previous relationship. One part of me wants to know more about it, simply because I don't want my imaginations losing its rein⁴. But the other part does not because it doesn't want to add on to my struggles in accepting her past unconditionally. Yes, I know everyone has a past, me included. To be fair, she has done nothing wrong; it is just that her past is simply not what I have expected. Believe me when I say I'll work towards accepting her past.

I woke up rudely this morning after dreaming of her and her ex-boyfriend⁵. I felt my heart dropping, and immediately I prayed to God. Despite that, till now, my heart still feels heavy. I feel so helpless, helpless in my inability to accept her past so readily. I need a heart as big as Jesus', and for now, I could only pray that God will grant an imperfect me a heart of love that transcends all in this worldly earth.

I would really want to have her to walk in the Light; I want to have us basking in His Light together. But I'm just a puny human, with a heart corrupted by the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. My emotions are all jumbled up, and I seem to have lost the ability to differentiate which is which. However, I could clearly feel my heart aching as if something is trying to tear it out from me; and that pain intensifies when I think of her.

Remember I have once said "life is too exhilarating for the faint of heart"? I guess I'm in the loops section now.... For now, I wish I could simply fall into His embrace and care not of the worries and burdens of this world for the longest time possible... Father, keep me in your arms...

¹ I couldn't think of a better word, so we will have to make-do with this one for the time being.

² To protect her from coming under fire, I won't reproduce her sharing here. Worry not; she is a good lady who happens to be misled for a brief time by her ex-boyfriend.

³ Although a few of my friends are gangsters, I have never joined them in their activities. I guess, to them, I am simply their friend who is from the prim-and-proper side of life.

⁴ I think it is utterly unnecessary for me to tell you that I have a very imaginative mind: manga has a huge influence on me.

⁵ The irony is I have never seen her ex-boyfriend before. His face was simply a blur in my dream.

Haha, I did not blog for the entire month of August! It seems like I am not taking my resolution to blog more often seriously enough... :p

Anyway, mum has finally decided to quit her job and rest at home. She revealed her intentions of visiting her relatives in her hometown next year. She said she wanted to spend some quality time with them while she was still fit enough to travel.

On a separate note, I think I have fallen in love again¹... And for the purpose of this entry, I will address my newfound love interest as SK².

I met SK in an internal course conducted by our company's training center. During the course, I found out that she was on very good terms with one of my church friends. Therefore, with a common faith and having one common friend, we hit off quite well.

Within the span of three weeks³ after our acquaintance, we have met four times for lunch/dinner and twice for movies, chit-chatted for no less than ten times over the phone, and sent countless messages sms/emails to each other. I feel very comfortable talking to, and going out with her. And I really, really appreciate it when she enjoys all my crappy jokes⁴; most people, after a prolonged exposure to my crappiness, will simply tell me to stop irritating them. Somehow, SK could accept the two sides of me equally well; the previous person who could is the pharmacist gal (fellow sister-in-Christ worshiping in the same church).

Although I think I like SK, not to mention I think I've finally found the one, I couldn't help but wonder whether I'm attracted to her simply because I am single for so freaking long. And because everything is happening so fast, I am afraid that it is all just a chemistry rush. Yes, I am wary of my own feelings, and I don't want to hurt SK⁵. I also want to receive a crystal-clear sign from God that she is the one He has prepared.

Last evening, while having supper after the movie No Reservations, I told her that I liked her. It was kinda like a confession except that I told her that I still couldn't see myself committed to her. Although I didn't like setting a deadline for God, SK wanted to have an answer from me in a month's time. Well, we agreed to pray about our relationship, and let each other know in a month's what God has showed us during month-long prayer.

I am not sure how things will turn out, but I'm sure no matter how it turns out, God is behind the scenes molding me.

¹ Oh well, it's seems like I am always falling in love, and if there ever were an occupation that (handsomely) pays people for (truly) falling in love, I think I might be a millionaire by now... Haha... (^_^;)

² Why must I use a code as her name? Well, things aren't finalized yet, so I think it is better for me not to reveal too much first. And if you are not a geek, believe me when I say "you simply have no idea how powerful (read: scary) the internet, or rather, the search engines are." And if you still don't believe me, just try searching your name using your favorite search engine to find out....

³ Actually, we met a month ago; immediately after the course, she went overseas for a business trip for a week.

⁴ Maybe she simply has a high endurance for my crappiness... Haha...

⁵ Well, for that matter, no animals were hurt in this blog too either... :p

After several entries on book reviews and the impact they brought into my life, as well as one video clip post, it's about time to blog on something more personal.

A lot of things has happened over the span of two months. Things like:

• Mum had her final chemo treatment two weeks ago.


• I had my birthday last week.


• Angela left the company one day before my birthday.


• Sharon had her birthday one day after mine.


• Sharon was married last Sunday.


• J.K. Rowling released her last Harry Potter book one day before Sharon's wedding.¹


• Sharon's grandmother passed away one day after her matrimony.


• I overcame my procrastination today and finally opened a trading account.

Other than the relief that Mum manages to endure through the entire chemotherapy, Sharon's marriage affected me quite a bit. I mean, Sharon, one of my very few good friends, has become a wife of another overnight, whereas for me, I'm still looking around for a soul mate. Seeing her getting married reminds me of my desire of settling down, and that is one painful emotion I hate to have it stirring within me.

Life is full of ups and downs. And life is so short. Before I know it, I've already lived more than one-third of my expected life expectancy. Despite feeling as if it happened yesterday, Mum had already undergone one surgery and eight chemotherapies. Life is too exhilarating a ride for the faint of heart, and most of the time, I spent it agonizing over things that I should have done which I did not. I seldom regret, as I believe regretting is one soul draining emotion, but I don't seem to be doing any better with agonizing either.

God has blessed me so much, but I have squandered almost everything. However, a fellow Sunday school teacher sent me an inspiring Powerpoint, and in it, the following sticked in my mind:

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

Life is one journey that having a companion can help to ease the downward spiraling moments. For now, I just have to believe Christ is more than enough for me in this journey. I have the ability and freedom to choose how I want to spend the rest of my life. Since I still have quite a distance to cover for this journey, I think I might as well choose to be joyful... :)

¹ Actually, I was not really excited about it.

What if the internet crashed?

I finally understand my pattern of choice after reading The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less. What it enlightens me the most is when Barry differentiates the behaviors of Optimizers (aka Maximizers) and Satisficers.

By and large, I am a satisficer in most things, but when it comes to relationships, my "must only go for the best" desire takes over my mostly satisficing nature, and turns me into a maximizer! No wonder I couldn't get into a relationship for so long! No wonder I have always been unhappy about my singlehood!

Barry explains in his book that too much freedom actually burden, instead of liberate, our minds because we have to keep making decisions. Imagine having to choose from a dozen flavors of chips, drinks, and biscuits when you are in a supermarket. And that's excluding the brand! There are just too many choices for our puny minds. And now, imagine choosing from a dozen types of medications, without a doctor's recommendations, for whatever illness you are suffering from. This time, a wrong choice may cost your life. Sometimes, life is easier when well-informed people/professionals make some decisions for us.

Barry also says that the (tremendous) efforts spent searching for the best (clothes, spouse, jobs, etc) essentially drains the energy out of a person (most likely a maximizer). By the time a maximizer makes his decision, he will still have a lingering thought that something better is just 'round the corner. Therefore, maximizers rarely enjoys their decisions despite the huge amount of effort spent searching.

I enjoyed reading this book, as it brought an awareness of my maximizing behavior. Next book to conquer: The Art of Possibility: Transforming Professional and Personal Life.

Just completed reading The Undercover Economist, and I walked away a little more enlightened on the subtle effects economy have on our daily lives. For example, I finally know why stores have sales every now and then, and why designs of packages of local supermarkets' own products are always so bloody ugly.

I have always hated economics, and have kept myself out of its reach. To me, economics is a super dry subject, that only the hardest of the hardcores can endure through. Since that is the case, why drove me to read Freakonomics and The Undercover Economist? Well, I chanced upon these two books in the bookstore, attracted by their cover designs, read a couple of pages, found them interesting, and eventually borrowed both from the local library and my brother's girlfriend.

So, in a way, am I judging two books by their covers? .......... :p

Just before we started our worship practice, Michelle¹ said she was very surprised to find out my real age; she thought I was in my early twenties In her words, "you don't look your age, act your age, and too cheerful to be your age!" I was very flattered because these praises came from someone who is almost a decade younger than me! Well, I am really blessed to have such a youthful look and jovial character! :)

¹ Nope, this Michelle is not the Michelle I (used to) like.

I have just finished reading three books: Prayer: Does it Make Any Difference?, Idiots at Work: Chronicles of Workplace Stupidity, and Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything.

I'm one person who relies heavily on public transports, and thankfully, I don't idle my time away while traveling. Unless I'm very tired, I normally want to spend my traveling time reading. These daily one-hour reading sessions (made up of two half-an-hours), though insignificant individually, really add up quickly, and for which I am grateful to God for.

Not too long ago, I accompanied one of my friends on his car-shopping trip. Ever since, I have been thinking whether I should also buy one. After all, if I own a car, I would be able to save all the time commuting, especially to places where I have to switch between buses and trains. However, as mentioned earlier on, I realize my time isn't wasted; I recalled one of my cell members lamenting how she had lost her time reading the Bible after acquiring an automobile.

I thank God for my reading habits, as well as being able to count my blessings. Unless there are really good reasons to buy an automobile, I will continue to stick to my daily reading "ritual"... :)

Whatever happened that affected me during the past weeks has changed me for the better, or so I thought.

After that incident, I actually slipped into "low energy" mode (read: pseudo-depression) for almost two weeks. I thought I could condition myself to contain my emotions, thereby ending all my "woes of immaturity." I was wrong in my intention, but I walked away with another important lesson.

I reflected and realized I had the freedom to choose. More specifically, I can choose how I want to feel. No doubt, the comment was the reason in my temporary behavior change, I realized I could change how I wanted to feel in almost an instant. I found that I could slip into depression easily simply because I conditioned myself to do that. Yes, I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and even The 8th Habit, but I did not made the habits an integral part of me. However, my recent change is effectively the first habit of the 7: Be Proactive.

(Before I continue, I must make a disclaimer: I am not promoting any literature despite my numerous quotes of them.)

Stephen Covey says that the gap between the stimulus (e.g., a traffic jam, work overload) and our response lies our freedom to choose. I always know of that freedom, but only intellectually. Reading Awaken the Giant Within when that incident happened made me realized my (in)ability to choose my responses. In the words of Covey, "it is our willing permission, our consent to what happens to us, that hurts us far more than what happens to us in the first place." And in Robbins', "it's our decisions, not the conditions of our lives, that determine our destiny."

I fully acknowledge that the world is unfair, and for some people, if not most, having the freedom to choose seems like a luxury. But the more I dwell on this subject, the more convinced I am that freedom to choose is a gift from God, right from the start! God gave Adam and Eve the freedom to eat "from any tree in the garden; but [they] must not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil" (Gen 2:16-17). This gift is given to everyone, including those who think they do not have. (I apologize if I sound dogmatic here, but I really don't intend to. I'm blogging this to share the change I've experienced.) Paul Arden's book It's Not How Good You Are, It's How Good You Want to Be: The World's Best Selling Book is excellent resonance of the freedom to choose truth.

From the wisdom I have gained reading from these books, the revelation that the freedom to choose is God's gift, and the incident that just happened, I cannot help but wonder whether this is one of the ways the Potter's hands is molding me.

I do occasionally (maybe once in week or two) fall into the self-victimizing trap, but I am working towards exercising my freedom to choose joy and peace in every waking moment. Being jovial is in my blood; trying to behave something else is simply against my nature; I will not choose to behave in any another way that is simply not me.

With that said, I've just bought The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less. An irony? Nope, I simply want to learn how to better use my freedom to choose. ;)

The most innovative cursor in the world!

I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
(Erase all the pain 'till it's gone)

I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

(Chorus of "Somewhere I Belong", by Linkin Park)

I just roared at Angela today, insisting on the decision I had made. I blew my chance with her. I am not fit to be with her.... I am so disappointed with myself....

For the umpteenth time, someone passes the remark that I am immature. Okay, to be fair, she said something more along the line of "I feel like I talking to a younger brother."

This immature thing has been, and almost always be, the killer blow that bars me entry into a relationship. I don't think I am that immature; I think I'm more lively and chirpy. I don't usually behave during casual conversations; and I sometimes drop a few jokes during unnecessarily tensed meetings (of course, I'm on good terms with those present!). But I have no idea why someone would perceived this as immature.

If I'm immature, I wouldn't have started financial planning years ago. If I'm immature, I wouldn't have constantly upgrade myself. If I'm immature, I wouldn't have endured all the long working hours (and miss the learning process).

Argh.. this blog entry makes me feel... immature....

Under the weather again... The second time for this year... I am down with fever again... Normally, I will only fall sick twice a year (other than lovesick), but I guess the main reasons could be I am getting old, and I'm too stressed....

Despite that I have always wanted to learn the art of speed reading, I decide to first read Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity, written by David Allen. And I am not disappointed with my decision in doing so.

I have always been a "professionally" procrastinator for all my life. No doubt I still complete my tasks, I, more often than not, tackle the tasks when, in Allen's words, "they blow up." :p

Well, my tertiary education may have shaped my character that way; I was taught "by hook or by crook, as long as you get things done." And I have no idea how the hell I managed to mangle that principle, and bring my procrastination to the next level. Oh well, no point crying over spilled milk now.

The blessed thing is: I know I am a big-time procrastinator, and I actually want to change for the better. However, the sad truth is: I procrastinated getting rid of my procrastination! What an irony!

Anyway, I can't say I have turned over a new leaf for good (for now, at least). But with Allen's coaching, I think I have finally found the key to say goodbye to procrastination forever... Er... I think I will find out that in three months' time when I reflect on this again... I'm hoping that I won't procrastinate reflecting then.... :p

I attended Karine's father's wake today with Sharon. Despite having attended so many wakes, I still don't know what to say. Therefore, I chose to be myself - I tried to crack jokes (subtle ones) and hoped I could cheer Karine up.

When a person is dead, he belongs no longer to this world; the irony is that the living are the ones left mourning for the dead. Christians mourn too, but we believe death is only a temporal separation; eventually, we will reunite in His kingdom.

However, I wasn't thinking so much about the dead; I was more interested in the living. After all, it is the living who need to carry on with life, here on this world. I remember one very meaningful phrase, which goes something like:

Although it is the shortest in length on the tombstone, the dash between the birth and death years represents the most important part of that person's life.

I cannot help but wonder: how meaningful will my life be? How meaningful will yours be?

After an excruciating one week, I finally managed to migrate my OS to Windows Vista. I did not expect the migration to take this long, but as I was preparing for the migration - with activities like backing up email account settings - I realized my hard disk's cluster size was setup wrongly. I had to spend a few days moving all the data from one drive to another, delete the partitions, re-create the partitions, and move everything back again, before I could start the proper upgrade. However, even after installing Windows Vista, I had to source for compatible drivers, and anti-virus software. And in the process of troubleshooting my sound card failure, I damaged my RAM, and I spent 200 bucks to replace and upgrade my RAM to 2GB.

Is it worth the effort migrating to Windows Vista? So far, I think it is, especially after experiencing the Aero interface!

Well, I think I am love-sick today...

I was emitting excessive heat throughout the entire day, and even though today wasn't especially cold, I was shivering. Some of my muscles were aching and some of my joints weak. I felt very tired and could hardly concentrate.

Sigh.... Angela is on leave today, and that may be the reason why I'm love-sick today.... :p

I was utterly disappointed with myself yesterday.... I couldn't believe I felt and behaved the way I loathed: I was jealous with Shing Fuu over Angela....

Well, they are best of friends, and no matter whether they are in a relationship or not, I ought not feel jealous. After all, I reasoned that when I felt jealous, I was in possessive mode. But Sharon told me I was simply in love with Angela. Sigh, just when I thought I was getting out of the Elena saga......

Third day into mum's first chemotherapy cycle and things aren't looking that good. She is feeling tired easily today and suffers from nauseas. Well, since these are the common side-effects of chemotherapy, I am not too worried; what I'm worried about is that these side-effects have affected her moods. I'm hoping that these side-effects will subside soon (I think it should happen on the fifth to seventh day of chemotherapy).

On a separate note, I received my CFA results this evening, and, well as expected, I failed. I think I will take the examinations again, cos I don't believe I am that stupid. What I lack is the discipline to study, and I am hoping that I will pull up my socks, study and pass the damn exam. Nope, I'm doing it not because I want to prove that I am not dumb; I'm doing it 'cos I want to cultivate the discipline to complete the things I'm set to do.

I am thankful to all my friends for encouraging me these days. My moods are picking up, and I am almost back to the jovial self. I guess a happier and less worried me will help in mum's attitude towards her upcoming treatment.

Although it is already quite late, I still want to list my resolutions for 2007. I think making resolutions do help me keep a check on what I want to do for the year. But before that, I would like to review my 2006 resolution list.

Out of the ten resolutions I've made, I think I have only managed to stick to doing the following three resolutions:

• Reading through the Bible once.
• Exercising more often.
• Bringing more joy and blessings to people around me.

Actually, the last item ("bringing joy...") is arguably questionable, 'cos I have no idea whether I've brought blessings to people around me (after all, I don't around asking them whether I've blessed them). However, I am very happy that I have read through the Bible once (completed that in September), and that I've made more effort in joining my company's jogging gang.

Okay, now let's go on to my resolutions for this year:

1. Spend more time with God (I don't think I've spent enough with Him last year; besides, is there such a thing as spending enough time with Him?)
2. Develop more patience and love for the people around me. (Again another recycled resolution, but with a twist: I must learn how to listen better before uttering a word.)
3. Spend more quality time with my parents (especially mum).
4. Inject more passion to everything that I do. (That way, I would enjoy the activities more.)
5. Read the Bible through once again. (How else to know God better?)
6. Internalize at least 3, of the 7, habits of effective people. (Another recycled resolution, but I think it is a good goal to work towards to.)
7. Leave behind the past, and be more active in getting dates. (More on this later.)
8. Read more financial related books. (Though I love reading IT-related books, I think I should develop a deeper and active interest in gaining financial knowledge.)
9. Take a Masters in Finance course. (To improve myself, and my market value.)
10. Master speed reading. (Again, a recycled resolution.)
11. Blog more often (and sort out my thoughts as I blog, and have a good laugh when I read the past entries).
12. Be more disciplined in the projects I embark on (regardless of personal or official projects).
    

Again, this is quite a list to work with, but then again, sticking to any one will bring me 8.33% closer to sticking to the entire list. From last year's list, I was at the 25% (or 30%) mark.

And now, to address the controversial resolution #7. I have been too stubborn with my affections for Elena. Inasmuch as I would like to continue carrying a torch for her, I think I am barring God from pointing me to the actual Miss Right. Well, Elena might still be the one; but if I give up the whole garden for this flower, how then am I able to know that she truly is the one? A person can only be deemed as "the one" when he/she is compared to/selected from a group of people, which the phrase "one in a million" describes adequately. Other than my depleting youth, I also wish to fulfill my mum's wish in seeing me settling down. That sounds kind of cliche (and highly controversial), but then again, I realize people don't (usually) live just for themselves. From my mum's incident, I see that making people around me happy (i.e. living for them) shouldn't just be a "I do it 'cos I feel like doing it" thing. Yes, I know, and must be clear, that my desire to settle down should not be purely an act to make my mum happy (I have to be fair to the other party after all). In any case, I must be active in expanding my social circle, not only for the purpose of trying to get hitched.

It will be a busy year ahead, and with my mum's conditions, I might be emotionally stretched. I hope I will be able to pull through, with Him as my companion as I kick off this year's journey.

what better day than today to blog?

A lot has happened in since my last entry. A lot of terrible things.

I was hellishly busy with work, so much so that I had to make cameo appearances every now and then when I was on leave. But on the whole, I usually felt the sense of accomplishment whenever I met a milestone.

However, things haven't been rosy at home. I felt lost when the doctor diagnosed my mum was suffering with colorectal cancer, even after they performed an urgent surgery on her. I felt a sigh of relieved when the chemotherapist told us that the surgeons had removed everything they suspected and there should no cancerous cells left in mum. However, as the pathology report showed that mum's cancer was in last stage (but thank God, it wasn't terminal), mum needed to undergo chemotherapy to destroy all remaining, invisible-to-the-naked-eye cancerous cells.

Although the rest of my family could finally breathe a sigh of relief, I still couldn't help but worry for mum. I have a lot of what-ifs in me, and I haven't really been able to pick up my moods these days.

I am thankful for all my church friends who are praying for my mum... And I really appreciate all my friends for forgiving my lousy moods these days...

For now, I could only hope and pray that mum will pull through the chemotherapy and enjoy family life again...

I want to fall in love.... :(

Before I start another long post.....

I don't know why but it seems that I've became an easy target for people hurling insults at me. Well, most likely they think that I am stupid (why can't I tell whether an option is in-the-money or out-of-the-money? Why can't I differentiate join-points from point-cuts?), dumb (why am I still holding a torch for Elena?), a loser (why haven't I ever been in a relationship for my entire life?), poor (why do I have so little assets under my name?) and ugly (why am I keeping long hair, especially when my hair is curly, and have a vomit-inducing face?)

Yes, maybe to these people, I am just a lowly life-form, leeching on Earth's precious resources, and should simply vanish, making the world a better place for these "superior beings". And yes, I gladly accept that I am a lowly life-form, simply because I am made out of nothing but dust (how high a life-form can dust be anyway?). Yes, I also gladly admit that I am as much a loser as I can possibly be in the eyes of the world. However, I know that I am but an alien of this world. I admit that I often fall into the traps of looking at myself and, at times, others through the eyes of the world - to be successful in life, one must be intelligent, rich, have high EQ, have a beautiful wife/handsome husband, etc). A lot of people think that I am wrong to have dreams (for example, what's wrong with dreaming having a blissful marriage with Elena?) and I should wake up and continue to play my role as a lowly life-form.

I believe everyone is precious to God, even for lowly life-forms like me. Yes, none of us are equal according to the world's standards, but in God's eyes, everyone is equally precious. God does not favor one over the other; He does not despise one more than the other too. There is nothing we can do to earn more favor from Him, nor is there anything that we do can anger Him more. Yes, I fall short of the glory of God, but so does everyone else. Am I comforting myself with these beliefs? Perhaps to the eyes of those who find satisfaction by gaining recognition from his/her peers, I am simply deceiving myself. But do I give a damn? No.

Take my affections for Elena as an example. Some of my peers think that I am being idealistic/dumb/hopeless for having so much feelings for a person I barely know. After some reflections, I found that these friends were simply telling me that they were smarter and they knew better 'cos of their richer "life experiences". Yes, thank you very much, my friends, but I give thanks to God for giving me a heart to pour out my feelings to the one I like. If prayer warriors can pray earnestly for the victims of natural disasters/wars whom they barely know, why am I wrong to display affections for a lady I barely know? Fine, I may be comparing apples with oranges here, but the main point is: I can love someone with no reserves. How many people can do this? As far as I know, not many. Most people expect their boyfriends/girlfriends to love them more than they do, and commonly, the "amount" of love they give depends on the "amount" their boyfriends/girlfriends give.

Am I trying to imply, in this blog entry, that I wiser/morally superior than most people? No, I don't, 'cos in God's eyes, all of man's wisdom are foolishness. What I am implying is that God has given us different gifts, so it is very important to respect those differences. I think it is acceptable to give advice, but if the other party find it unsuitable/inappropriate for his/her situation, respect his/her decision (and don't pass judgment or hurl insults at him/her). Should one day the friend you are giving advice to finds that he/she is indeed folly in rejecting your kind words, give him/her words of comfort and remind him/her to reflect and learn from his/her mistakes.

Let's make this stay more bearable by "loving your neighbor as yourself" (Luke 10:27).

PS: I think this entry might start a flame war with some of my friends, and for that, I apologize in advance. This entry is not targeted at anyone; it is simply me "thinking out loud."

I want one too...

I bought a ticket and watched "The Departed" on Monday, thinking that I needed a much-needed break.

Anyway, without giving too much away, the movie deserves a merit of its own, despite that it is based on the original Hong Kong version - Infernal Affairs. When I first heard about this film, I rolled my eyes when the movie critics described Leonardo's character as "an angry undercover", as opposed to Tony Leung's dispirited character.

Anyway, despite a flaws here and there (for example, Vera's fall for Leonardo is too unbelievable), this movie is still worth your money if you can forgive Martin for dropping the use of Morse code (which is so cool!), the missing traumatic scene (you know what I mean if you've watched the original), and the oh- so-head-scratching ending (I prefer the original's ending).

Do I feel my three hours wasted? Not really - the three hours spent on the movie simply means I have to work OT to catch up with my work.....

Interesting advertisements!!! (From the posts I've made these days, what do they tell?)

An interesting look at what people envision the next generation of internet to be...

I'm back in the video clip posting "spree" again.... But then again, this clip is really amazing... :)

It has been a long time since I've posted video clips from Youtube. This one is courtesy of Keng Kiat... Thanks bro!

Not too long ago (actually, just last Friday), someone made a comment about me. He said "You are beginning to have a timeless look." And "Huh?" was my response to his comment.

"I mean, you haven't age a day since I know you (six years back)," he added.

I'm not too sure about you, but I kinda like the way he describes me - timeless look.... :p

I went home with Sharon this evening. Gosh, it has been a quite a long time since I met her. In our brief conversation, I could tell that Sharon has changed; she is now a happier person, and she enjoys every moment she spends with her fiancé. I have not seen a happier her since she left our company two years back. I am thankful for God's guidance and providence for her. It's quite strange for me to say this, but anyway, she is quite special to me: she is one of the first few good friends I've made since my employment in the private sector. Haha..... I really have to thank God for having a friend like her... :)

I had my first (and last) taste of horrid: wine, or more specifically, sake. I was lunching with Francisca in a Japanese restaurant, and she insisted me trying sake with sashimi. She said these two items were the best combination one could find when savoring Japanese food.

I was blessed enough that the one small cup didn't knock me out. Despite her generosity in sharing, I was disgusted by every sip of it - sake tasted like cough syrup. I couldn't hide my disgust, and Francisca, ever so "humorous", said, "I will train you to acquire the liking for sakae."

What's the moral of the story? Never, ever dine in a Japanese restaurant with Francisca again....

[Update: corrected the spelling of "sake" from "sakae", as pointed by Jas. That was so embarrassing!]

When I am working, I must believe I am the best in the world doing it....
When I am discussing (the same piece of) work, I must humble myself and accept the fact that I do not know it all...
Above all, at all times, I must remember to thank God for making me realizing my need for His guidance...

Sometimes I am really baffled by the violence in the world. Why must people kill to achieve their political agendas? Perhaps violence is the easiest and fastest means to establish one's political stand.

Although I grew up in a protected environment where I never had to handle political instability, I could still empathize with the families of the innocents killed in the bombings. I wished I had the power to eradicate violence throughout the world. Why does God allow these to happen? This is not an easy question to answer¹; I can only hold on to my faith that God will eventually bring judgement to these terrorists.

¹ Answers such as "'Cos man is evil" or "These are the doings of sin (in man)" do not answer the question fully. God could intervene when evil is at its fullest (remember Sodom and Gomarrah, or even the world during Noah's time?) God has His reasons, and I believe He will reveal all to us when we see Him (actually, we may not really care about these anymore when we see Him).

I have been wondering what the hell I have been doing for the past 8 years being God's child.

I don't think I truly understand what it means to count the cost or carry the cross. Yes, I know salvation is free 'cos of His grace; but it is free to us (read: me) 'cos Christ has paid the price so I don't need to. It is a fact that I know, but my behavior seems to be telling me that I don't fully comprehend the great love Jesus has for me.

Tell me then, why is it that only during times of trouble I would pray to Him more regularly? Why is it that I keep falling to the same old sin? Why is it that I desire to be with Elena more than to be with God? For the past one month, I felt wretched and tortured by my ways, which like quicksand, kept pulling me in as fast as I struggled.

"Remember Jesus' words on the cost of discipleship?" God asked when I was going home this evening. And as I was composing this entry, I turned to the scripture on the cost of discipleship (Luke 14:25-35), God again pointed to me that He was to be at the top of my priorities. "There is no sharing, my child. 'If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple.' (Luke 14:26)"

I have to work on my walk with God again... God wants to be at the center of my life; self have to give way for Him...

I am contemplating whether I should buy a mp3 player or a mobile phone that can double as a mp3. The major disadvantage of getting a mobile phone cum mp3 player is that it cannot have as much storage space as a mp3 player (and usually sound quality is not as good); the major advantage is that I will never miss a call again when I'm plugged in. Hmmm.... It's quite tough to decide which one to get..... Advice, anyone?

I am feeling very tired..... Tired with everything, including living.... Somehow, I feel that my clock is ticking and soon I will be no more.... I just want a rest...

But don't worry, I won't end my life prematurely....

I have had enough! I really don't get: why are people using the word "revert" when they actually mean "reply"? According the dictionary, the most common usage for "revert" is "To return to a former condition, practice, subject, or belief".... Are people embarrassed to use a very common and easy-to-understand word "reply", preferring something that "sounds" more sophisticated/bombastic, all without realizing that they are grossly wrong?

People of this generation have assumed what they know for too long, and the dictionary is grossly under-utilized. No one, absolutely no one will ever hear me utter "Elena has reverted..." or anything along that line; I'll stick to "Elena has replied..."

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecc 3:1-8

After a long break, it's finally time for me to start hitting the books again... Revisiting the CFA textbooks isn't exactly the sexiest thing to do, but hell, how else can I spend my time more meaningfully than studying and not wallowing in self-pity?

Today - the first day being 28, as well as one that starts a new chapter in my life...

Years ago, I told myself that I would [try my best] to get hitched and be married by 27. And if I didn't, I would spend all that I have saved [for my wedding] to pursue another qualification. After all, I figured that I was hopeless if I didn't get attached by 27....

27 has just bade farewell to me yesterday. And all these years, time [and life] prove one thing to me: I'm indeed hopeless in getting hitched.

I used to write "Birthday hah? Happy lor!" on birthday cards. But somehow, I wished that today was another day that occur once-in-four-year (just like 29 Feb) or maybe even once-in-a-decade. No doubt it marked yet another year living, I didn't really felt happy about it. I know I have to count my blessings, but I desire something more - I want to spend my birthdays with that someone special (not necessarily Elena, but I would be thrilled if it's her).

Yes, I know I'm asking for a reprimand for saying that, and yes, I do appreciate having friends remembering my birthday, sending me well-wishes, and celebrating it for me. But I am tired of being reminded that I do have not that someone special to spend this special day with. Somehow, I felt depressed today; the funny thing is: I don't feel myself depressed on any other day.

I think it's really about time to move on and prepare myself for a new change in goals. Love has abandoned me for the longest time I can recall; it's about time I abandon love...

Birthday hah? Happy lor....

Today - my last day being 27.....

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the approaching train
unknown source, attributed to all whom optimists call pessimists and pessimists call realists

Strange as it may be (to me at least), I only feel a little disturbed/distracted by the revelation from my friend for the past two days. I thought I would be deeply affected, but somehow I wasn't. I believe two things are happening to me: God is sustaining me, and I have consciously chosen not to be affected by the revelation.

I don't know, either I am too naive or too optimistic, but somehow I still feel that I stand a chance with Elena. Haha, perhaps it's just mere stupidity at work, but whatever the case is, I still like her very much. I guess I have to shift my prayer focus to "will I be with her" to "prepare her heart and point her to the one"...

All I want to hope (for now) is that she will lead a happy (and blessed) life...

Well, today is not a very good day...

I had to sit through a meeting which didn't really concern me. And while defending my preference for a particular distribution workflow, the vendor raised his voice and ended our "discussion" with "the system belongs to me and I know it better than you!" Oh well, this is yet another instance a software developer (or owner, or systems owner) who thinks that it is better to stick to the original way to use the system rather than amend it and make life easier for the end users. I secretly wished I could just smack him and tell him "machines/software are made to make our work easier, not the other way round!" @#$%^&*

In the evening, I bumped into a long time friend in a shopping mall, and we decided catch up in a cafe. I knew she was working in the church which Elena attended, but I didn't expect her and Elena were close friends. Well, my friend revealed some not-so-good-yet-not-really-that-bad news to me, and that set me back thinking "what should I do next". Harlow God, what are you trying to tell me, especially at the time when my birthday is just 'round the corner?

Sigh............................ what the hell is going on in my life?!

Oh, what the hell....

I am always infuriated whenever I see the shredder machine overflowing. Bloody hell! Is whoever-responsible-for-the-overflow educated? Does he/she know what being considerate mean? To hell with the "it's the job of the cleaners" argument! Does emptying the overflowing box lower one's stature? @#$%^&*

If you think I love standing on moral high-grounds, by all means, go ahead. To me, being considerate, making another's job easier (or at least not harder than it already is) is more important than maintaining an "air of importance", which, after all, is an air one creates himself to deceive, who else but himself...

@#$%^&*

As if a ghost had appeared, she took the longer path to go back to her desk. But the ghost detected her shunning away, and played along with her by pretending not to have noticed her. When the ghost bade farewell to Francisca, it could almost feel her sighing relief as it left her world....

But that won't be the last of the ghost... It wants to be, for the rest of her life, the first thing she will see every morning when she wakes up....

I'm not sure about you, but I'm looking forward to next summer's coming now! All because of this....

The computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match.Bill Bryson

In the midst of face-lifting my blog again... Hope I can get it done by the end of the week....

I suffered insomnia and felt freaking tired at work. However, I still went for a jog to discharge the "lazy" energy within me, and surprisingly, I managed to complete the 7km route without dropping dead. I must thank God for keeping me healthy and safe all these times - I could have a heart attack while pushing myself when jogging; after all, I'm no longer as fit as I used to be.... Sigh, the side-effect of growing old..... :p

With each passing day, this blog seems to be an abandoned child... Oh well, I think I have idled enough, and it's about time I pull up my socks and enrich myself.

I have wasted half of this year doing almost nothing, and today, while I had tea with Ngee Kuan, I realized that I had been wasting myself away. It's not that he reprimanded me or whatsoever; it's just that life is more than rotting away.... Haha... :p

Anyway, since I couldn't do anything about my affection for Elena¹, I guess I have to look for some other things to concentrate on. Enriching myself should be a good choice.... :)

¹ From her observations, Francisca feels that Elena isn't prepared to enter into a relationship. I'll blog about this some other day....