I've finally started reading the Bible, beginning from Genesis, and as of today, I've reached chapter 32.

But as I read, somehow I discover some issues which I wasn't aware of in the past.

For example, most of us would be quite familiar with the story of Abraham, and only at his old age did his wife, Sarah bore him a son, Isaac. And I reckon that most of us would be familiar with the episode of God commanding Abraham to sacrifice his only son as a burnt offering, and most of us would have heard the sermon (or read from somewhere) on how Abraham felt while they were on the road to the mountain he was to perform the sacrifice (Abraham would most likely have experienced a struggle in his heart, but ultimately his obedience for God led him to perform the sacrifice.)

Now, here comes the twist: God intervened at the eleventh hour when Abraham was just about to offer his son as a sacrifice, and we all would conclude how relieved Abraham would be to have God provide him with a ram as the burnt offering in place for his son. But how many of us wondered how Isaac felt when he was bounded, laid on the altar, and (most likely) saw his father holding a knife, inching towards him? I've never experienced such situations before, but I think most likely Isaac would have been traumatized! I believe Isaac would have screamed and struggled wildly when his father was tying him up, mustering all his strength to break loose and escape from the altar. Isaac was old enough to know what are the things needed for a burnt offering but I don't think he was matured enough to understand his father's "murderous" act was one done purely out of obedience for God. This episode must have left a deep imprint on Isaac innocent mind, but how and why was Isaac still a filial child to Abraham (remember that Isaac and his half-brother Ishmael attended to Abraham's burial)? The natural conclusion to this would be: God intervened, maybe even explained personally to Isaac on the whys. Whatever it is, there must be something remarkable about Isaac (coming to terms with this won't be easy) that we could learn from.

Another thing I have difficulty coming to terms with is the numerous accounts of Jacob's acts of deceit. He not only deceived his brother Esau to "sell" his birthright to him, Jacob [together with his mum] also cheated his father Isaac in giving his blessings to him instead of Esau; and how he gathered wealth for his own from his father-in-law. Jacob's life was full of these accounts of "underhanded" means of taking advantage of others and yet he was blessed greatly by the Lord. He even became the father of the 12 tribes of Israel. Why? God must have His reasons for doing this (and I'm sure it wasn't just because He wanted to fulfill His oath to Abraham) and I think I need to dig hard and long to find out why.

Genesis is full of these little stories on family building, disputes, reconciliations, etc, and somehow, it's very fascinating and is way, way better than the soap dramas shown on television.... :)

A lot of things happened since I last blogged. And one of them was my faith in God.

I attended a course A Walk Through the Bible, conducted by one of the pastors in my church on the 15th and 16th. Basically, it's a survey on the Bible. Well, one question raised brought me to shames: Have you read through the Bible at least once?

I must admit that I've tried and failed miserably doing that. The farthest I've reached was 1 Kings. "It felt like history, and back in school, history is my most hated subject."

Of course, that opens up a whole "Pandora's box"-full of questions in regards to my faith. Yup, I attend church faithfully (almost, and I'll address this later), serve in the worship and Sunday school ministries, leading (or more accurately, coordinating) cell group, and even attend morning prayers on Tuesdays. But somehow, I've always felt something is missing. And the pastor's challenge - "Put Jesus back into the cell group!" - struck a chord in me as I'm blogging now. (Oh, blogging does help sorting my mind....) Jesus was never in my life all these years! At least from my twisted perspective (and hindsight), He don't seem to matter so much to me all these years.

For example, if someone were to be very dear to you, how much time would you spend with him/her? Even when you were to be very(x7) busy, you would still try your very best to "squeeze" some time to spend with him/her, may it be just a short call or even just a sms.... But from my not-that-vague memory, I don't recall a time I really did tried my very best to set aside time for Him. (Oh well, I don't consider setting time to attend church, (Christian) courses, worship practice, cell group, etc as setting time for Him. I'm referring to setting time aside to read His Words, and waiting upon Him, not to rant or tell Him my "wish list", but to really to wait and listen to Him.) Basically, I don't think I'm fully submitted to Him. Time and time again, I've wrestled from Him the authority to lead my life, always giving secular things priority over Him.

I know it's never meant to be easy to be a truly submissive child of God. But that's where I stop: instead of learning to be submissive (yes, submission can be learnt), I stop at the understanding level and choose not to do anything. I know this cannot stop at the "in-the-head" level, but my lazybones, or rather my willful self, withheld me from taking the next step.

Of course, I do pray to Him, but prayer's never a regular activity I do. Needless to say, prayer normally occurs when I feel helpless. Of course, I do try to pray for others, but such prayers are very short-lived (currently, the record was 1 week). Even when I've "made-up-my-mind" to sit down and really, really pray to Him, such determination would only last at most a week or two, and I'll slump back into laziness. Talk about [my] perseverance in faith!

A few days back, something terrible happened, and my reactions posed the million-dollar-question: Are you really sure you're His child?

I was tormented for days, and even during these torturous days, I continued to respond in a, if I'm allowed to say, very ungodly manner. My mood hit rock bottom. Bearish. I was so agonized by my actions insofar that I didn't want to attend church at all last Sunday.

Perhaps, it was all foreseen by Him (well, it WAS foreseen by Him!), last Sunday happened to be the day Michelle was to be baptized, and I've already made up my mind long ago to make sure I give her my blessings on the actual day. I've also agreed to pass Adrian something last Sunday, which was agreed 2 Sundays ago. These 2 [not-very-valid] reasons almost didn't convinced me to attend church, until the very minute Adrian called my hand phone and asked "Today's service at 10:30am, right?" Well, wishing that Adrian would be more active in church (since the day he joined), I tugged my reluctant bones and headed to church. Even after I've alighted the train at the nearest train station to my church, I chose to take a walk instead of taking the bus to church (bus ride, discounting the waiting time, would take at most 3 minutes to reach, and the walk would take at least 10 minutes). Naturally, I took the "slowest possible" pace and started my walk to the church.

Well, when I was half-way through the "longest journey" to church, Adrian called my hand phone again and before I could answer it, he hung up. Then I heard a couple of car horns a few meters ahead, and there I was a hand waving at me. I couldn't see the driver but the color of the vehicle led me to conclude that it was Adrian's car. (I'm very lousy at remembering vehicle numbers, so don't test me on that, ever!)

Sigh.... I guess I could only relent.... My heart was still very heavy when I reached church, but since I was already "led" to the church by Him, I endured my "shame" and entered His sanctuary.

I missed the worship session, but managed to arrive "just-in-time" for the baptism ceremony.

After the brief uplift after witnessing Michelle's baptism, I felt the weight of my "shame" acting on me once again. I wished service would be over as quickly as possible so I could leave for home as early as possible. But Reverend C.A's sermon edified my heavy soul.

"The topic for today's sermon is 'Pursuing the glory of God while covered in wounds'...... The men were disgraced on Thursday and Friday, after what they have done to Jesus..... But when Jesus was resurrected and appeared before His disciples, He did not reprimand nor demand an explanation for their cowardice and betrayal. Instead, He asked gently, 'Do you love me?'.... Thomas even said he wouldn't believe unless he sees and touches the wounds on Jesus..... And Thomas was the first man in history to correctly proclaim Jesus as God.... If He were to resurrect with all His wounds healed, He would be nothing more than a supernatural being whom we cannot relate to..... His wounds are, therefore, very significant as they tied us closely to Him...... He glorified God with His submission and His death brought us, sinners, back to the Father....."

Of course, there's more to the sermon, but these words encouraged me. Yes, I've disgraced Jesus, and I know "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Rom 3:23) but after the "minor miracles" that have happened on Sunday morning, I've walked out from my shame and the dark shadows that have engulfed me for the past few days and I could feel Jesus asking me the very same question He asked Peter "Do you love me?"

I think I have a problem. And that problem is me.

Today, during cell gathering, I informed the cell group on the details of the gathering for the coming Easter, and told them to try to invite a new friend to join us for the event. One of the more senior members remarked "How to [do that]? You should have fleshed out all these details in advance. Back then when Kenneth was around, all these were planned way in advance."

"Well, we've mentioned about this Easter gathering 2 weeks ago, and you were actually the one who brought it up back then. Everyone in the cell group could have started inviting their friends even before I told you this. You don't need to wait for the cell leader to give you the go-ahead to do it." I replied.

"How could I invite my friends when the time and venue are not known?" And he looked at me with his anger burning fiercely in his eyes.

"Ok, ok, we'll take note of this and improve on it next time." My assistant cell leader answered quickly, and hence prevented the "bloodiest warfare mankind has ever experienced" from happening.

I must admit that I'm wrong for not holding my tongue and rebutted him. Perhaps our age gap is really too big (25+ years difference). For people around my age, [I think] one week advance invitation is way sufficient. Why the need to give an one-month notice is really beyond me.

Whether I would ultimately see the reason or not, I think how I've responded was not at all edifying for anyone, including myself. I've allowed anger to take rein, my blood to boil and my temper flare, which should not happen at all.

And hence, the conclusion is: I've a problem, and the problem is me; I need to repent, seek his forgiveness, and change my attitude.

Quick, how many quavers are there in a 3/4? How about 6/8?

During today's worship practice, one of the hymns stumbled the keyboardists. "This seems to be like a 3/4." one of them remarks and off they tried playing the hymn in 3/4. Oh well, the song lead was also not very musically-inclined, so at times, he came in on the wrong beat, which caused more confusion.

Oh well, since I'm the percussionist in the band, I kindly pointed out to them that it would be easier to play the song in 6/8, and even offered to count the beats for them.

"6/8? Oh, it's a 3/4, right? Ok, we'll try." one of them "quipped".

Duh! No doubt both 6/8 and 3/4 have 6 quavers in each bar, but there are only 2 beats in a 6/8 whereas in 3/4 there are 3! Anyway, not wanting to appear like a bigot, I continued counting for them and beautifully they played (and sung) through the hymn.

Phew! I went back to the drums so we could play through the hymn with the drums, but somehow, the 6/8 count still didn't register in their head.

"Er.... Sorry, could you don't play the drums for the time being? I'd like to try playing through the hymn again..."

Well, that sounded like an innocent request to me, so I agreed.

After a while, the pharmacist gal (yes, she was one of the keyboardists!) turned around and told me, "Sorry, we'll play this in 2/4."

What?! 2/4? Anyway, not wanting to argue, and maybe it really was plausible to play in 2/4, I nodded.

And then they played. In my mind, I counted 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2.... and even quietly sung the groove I was to play. Maybe I was wrong, but to my ears, they were playing in 3/4! I rolled my eyes and sunk back into my seat. I'll not play anything for this hymn....

No point wasting my breath arguing with them.... After all, I'm supposed to use my musical skills in worshipping God, and not to appear good in front of them....

It seems like an eon has passed since I last blogged. Not that I'm making a flashy comeback, just that some recollection tells me life isn't the same anymore ever since the last entry.

They are now blissfully(?) together in a newly blossomed relationship which almost all of his friends couldn't believe. Will it be a "happily-ever-after"? (Coincidentally, most of us are very skeptical about it, illuminated clearly with our one unanimous response: "Give them 6 months!") Anyway, I'm in a "couldn't-care-less" mode with regard to their relationship. So what whether it works out or not? After all, it's their business. M.Y.O.B!!! I wish not to inject any "complications" into their relationship lest being labeled as an "axis of evil".

Anyway, back to the original topic.

I feel that something fundamental within me is evolving. No, I'm not even sure what. An alignment shift? (Becoming more inclined towards the Light or fallen to the ways of the Evil?) Change in character class? (Leveling up from a foolhardy fighter to a noble knight in the shiny armor?)... Okay, that's so darn crappy, but anyway, you get the point.... I feel like I'm in a cocoon now (I cannot tolerate describing myself as a pupa. Ecks!), waiting to emerge transformed. I hope I'll have 2 white wings and not 2 curvy horns!

I'm waiting in great anticipation for this day to come.... :)