I am struggling very hard within myself now. SK has told me how messed-up¹ her previous relationship was. Her sharing opened my eyes, and made me realized just how ignorant and idealistic I was about life. And I finally understand why people think that I am just a young kid despite my physical age: my life experience just isn't rich enough...

I live in a "clean room" environment, and to me, the world is largely a beautiful place. I know there are sides in the world I am kinda curious of, but am fully aware that I shouldn't step into them. To me, those sides of the world are at most surreal; never in my life would I have thought I might be stepping anywhere near them.

No, SK is not from that world, but her previous relationship seems to have made her "take a little short trip in it". Oh well, I don't really know the minute details, but my simpleton mind tells me that she has stepped into that world for a brief moment².

I realized how naive I was after hearing her sharing. In all my life, I have always thought that I have seen enough of the world to know how rough life can be. I thought my ability to mingle with the gangsters³ made me a little more streetwise, as compared to my peers. I thought that being raised in the middle-lower class family had made me come in contact with more people who were baptized by the harsh realities of life, as compared to those born with silver spoons in their mouths. But I am wrong; the surreal world that has attracted my curiosity via the movies and songs suddenly becomes so real to me now.

I am struggling now whether or not to find out the minute details of her previous relationship. One part of me wants to know more about it, simply because I don't want my imaginations losing its rein⁴. But the other part does not because it doesn't want to add on to my struggles in accepting her past unconditionally. Yes, I know everyone has a past, me included. To be fair, she has done nothing wrong; it is just that her past is simply not what I have expected. Believe me when I say I'll work towards accepting her past.

I woke up rudely this morning after dreaming of her and her ex-boyfriend⁵. I felt my heart dropping, and immediately I prayed to God. Despite that, till now, my heart still feels heavy. I feel so helpless, helpless in my inability to accept her past so readily. I need a heart as big as Jesus', and for now, I could only pray that God will grant an imperfect me a heart of love that transcends all in this worldly earth.

I would really want to have her to walk in the Light; I want to have us basking in His Light together. But I'm just a puny human, with a heart corrupted by the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. My emotions are all jumbled up, and I seem to have lost the ability to differentiate which is which. However, I could clearly feel my heart aching as if something is trying to tear it out from me; and that pain intensifies when I think of her.

Remember I have once said "life is too exhilarating for the faint of heart"? I guess I'm in the loops section now.... For now, I wish I could simply fall into His embrace and care not of the worries and burdens of this world for the longest time possible... Father, keep me in your arms...

¹ I couldn't think of a better word, so we will have to make-do with this one for the time being.

² To protect her from coming under fire, I won't reproduce her sharing here. Worry not; she is a good lady who happens to be misled for a brief time by her ex-boyfriend.

³ Although a few of my friends are gangsters, I have never joined them in their activities. I guess, to them, I am simply their friend who is from the prim-and-proper side of life.

⁴ I think it is utterly unnecessary for me to tell you that I have a very imaginative mind: manga has a huge influence on me.

⁵ The irony is I have never seen her ex-boyfriend before. His face was simply a blur in my dream.

Haha, I did not blog for the entire month of August! It seems like I am not taking my resolution to blog more often seriously enough... :p

Anyway, mum has finally decided to quit her job and rest at home. She revealed her intentions of visiting her relatives in her hometown next year. She said she wanted to spend some quality time with them while she was still fit enough to travel.

On a separate note, I think I have fallen in love again¹... And for the purpose of this entry, I will address my newfound love interest as SK².

I met SK in an internal course conducted by our company's training center. During the course, I found out that she was on very good terms with one of my church friends. Therefore, with a common faith and having one common friend, we hit off quite well.

Within the span of three weeks³ after our acquaintance, we have met four times for lunch/dinner and twice for movies, chit-chatted for no less than ten times over the phone, and sent countless messages sms/emails to each other. I feel very comfortable talking to, and going out with her. And I really, really appreciate it when she enjoys all my crappy jokes⁴; most people, after a prolonged exposure to my crappiness, will simply tell me to stop irritating them. Somehow, SK could accept the two sides of me equally well; the previous person who could is the pharmacist gal (fellow sister-in-Christ worshiping in the same church).

Although I think I like SK, not to mention I think I've finally found the one, I couldn't help but wonder whether I'm attracted to her simply because I am single for so freaking long. And because everything is happening so fast, I am afraid that it is all just a chemistry rush. Yes, I am wary of my own feelings, and I don't want to hurt SK⁵. I also want to receive a crystal-clear sign from God that she is the one He has prepared.

Last evening, while having supper after the movie No Reservations, I told her that I liked her. It was kinda like a confession except that I told her that I still couldn't see myself committed to her. Although I didn't like setting a deadline for God, SK wanted to have an answer from me in a month's time. Well, we agreed to pray about our relationship, and let each other know in a month's what God has showed us during month-long prayer.

I am not sure how things will turn out, but I'm sure no matter how it turns out, God is behind the scenes molding me.

¹ Oh well, it's seems like I am always falling in love, and if there ever were an occupation that (handsomely) pays people for (truly) falling in love, I think I might be a millionaire by now... Haha... (^_^;)

² Why must I use a code as her name? Well, things aren't finalized yet, so I think it is better for me not to reveal too much first. And if you are not a geek, believe me when I say "you simply have no idea how powerful (read: scary) the internet, or rather, the search engines are." And if you still don't believe me, just try searching your name using your favorite search engine to find out....

³ Actually, we met a month ago; immediately after the course, she went overseas for a business trip for a week.

⁴ Maybe she simply has a high endurance for my crappiness... Haha...

⁵ Well, for that matter, no animals were hurt in this blog too either... :p

After several entries on book reviews and the impact they brought into my life, as well as one video clip post, it's about time to blog on something more personal.

A lot of things has happened over the span of two months. Things like:

• Mum had her final chemo treatment two weeks ago.


• I had my birthday last week.


• Angela left the company one day before my birthday.


• Sharon had her birthday one day after mine.


• Sharon was married last Sunday.


• J.K. Rowling released her last Harry Potter book one day before Sharon's wedding.¹


• Sharon's grandmother passed away one day after her matrimony.


• I overcame my procrastination today and finally opened a trading account.

Other than the relief that Mum manages to endure through the entire chemotherapy, Sharon's marriage affected me quite a bit. I mean, Sharon, one of my very few good friends, has become a wife of another overnight, whereas for me, I'm still looking around for a soul mate. Seeing her getting married reminds me of my desire of settling down, and that is one painful emotion I hate to have it stirring within me.

Life is full of ups and downs. And life is so short. Before I know it, I've already lived more than one-third of my expected life expectancy. Despite feeling as if it happened yesterday, Mum had already undergone one surgery and eight chemotherapies. Life is too exhilarating a ride for the faint of heart, and most of the time, I spent it agonizing over things that I should have done which I did not. I seldom regret, as I believe regretting is one soul draining emotion, but I don't seem to be doing any better with agonizing either.

God has blessed me so much, but I have squandered almost everything. However, a fellow Sunday school teacher sent me an inspiring Powerpoint, and in it, the following sticked in my mind:

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

Life is one journey that having a companion can help to ease the downward spiraling moments. For now, I just have to believe Christ is more than enough for me in this journey. I have the ability and freedom to choose how I want to spend the rest of my life. Since I still have quite a distance to cover for this journey, I think I might as well choose to be joyful... :)

¹ Actually, I was not really excited about it.

What if the internet crashed?

I finally understand my pattern of choice after reading The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less. What it enlightens me the most is when Barry differentiates the behaviors of Optimizers (aka Maximizers) and Satisficers.

By and large, I am a satisficer in most things, but when it comes to relationships, my "must only go for the best" desire takes over my mostly satisficing nature, and turns me into a maximizer! No wonder I couldn't get into a relationship for so long! No wonder I have always been unhappy about my singlehood!

Barry explains in his book that too much freedom actually burden, instead of liberate, our minds because we have to keep making decisions. Imagine having to choose from a dozen flavors of chips, drinks, and biscuits when you are in a supermarket. And that's excluding the brand! There are just too many choices for our puny minds. And now, imagine choosing from a dozen types of medications, without a doctor's recommendations, for whatever illness you are suffering from. This time, a wrong choice may cost your life. Sometimes, life is easier when well-informed people/professionals make some decisions for us.

Barry also says that the (tremendous) efforts spent searching for the best (clothes, spouse, jobs, etc) essentially drains the energy out of a person (most likely a maximizer). By the time a maximizer makes his decision, he will still have a lingering thought that something better is just 'round the corner. Therefore, maximizers rarely enjoys their decisions despite the huge amount of effort spent searching.

I enjoyed reading this book, as it brought an awareness of my maximizing behavior. Next book to conquer: The Art of Possibility: Transforming Professional and Personal Life.

Just completed reading The Undercover Economist, and I walked away a little more enlightened on the subtle effects economy have on our daily lives. For example, I finally know why stores have sales every now and then, and why designs of packages of local supermarkets' own products are always so bloody ugly.

I have always hated economics, and have kept myself out of its reach. To me, economics is a super dry subject, that only the hardest of the hardcores can endure through. Since that is the case, why drove me to read Freakonomics and The Undercover Economist? Well, I chanced upon these two books in the bookstore, attracted by their cover designs, read a couple of pages, found them interesting, and eventually borrowed both from the local library and my brother's girlfriend.

So, in a way, am I judging two books by their covers? .......... :p

Just before we started our worship practice, Michelle¹ said she was very surprised to find out my real age; she thought I was in my early twenties In her words, "you don't look your age, act your age, and too cheerful to be your age!" I was very flattered because these praises came from someone who is almost a decade younger than me! Well, I am really blessed to have such a youthful look and jovial character! :)

¹ Nope, this Michelle is not the Michelle I (used to) like.

I have just finished reading three books: Prayer: Does it Make Any Difference?, Idiots at Work: Chronicles of Workplace Stupidity, and Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything.

I'm one person who relies heavily on public transports, and thankfully, I don't idle my time away while traveling. Unless I'm very tired, I normally want to spend my traveling time reading. These daily one-hour reading sessions (made up of two half-an-hours), though insignificant individually, really add up quickly, and for which I am grateful to God for.

Not too long ago, I accompanied one of my friends on his car-shopping trip. Ever since, I have been thinking whether I should also buy one. After all, if I own a car, I would be able to save all the time commuting, especially to places where I have to switch between buses and trains. However, as mentioned earlier on, I realize my time isn't wasted; I recalled one of my cell members lamenting how she had lost her time reading the Bible after acquiring an automobile.

I thank God for my reading habits, as well as being able to count my blessings. Unless there are really good reasons to buy an automobile, I will continue to stick to my daily reading "ritual"... :)

Whatever happened that affected me during the past weeks has changed me for the better, or so I thought.

After that incident, I actually slipped into "low energy" mode (read: pseudo-depression) for almost two weeks. I thought I could condition myself to contain my emotions, thereby ending all my "woes of immaturity." I was wrong in my intention, but I walked away with another important lesson.

I reflected and realized I had the freedom to choose. More specifically, I can choose how I want to feel. No doubt, the comment was the reason in my temporary behavior change, I realized I could change how I wanted to feel in almost an instant. I found that I could slip into depression easily simply because I conditioned myself to do that. Yes, I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and even The 8th Habit, but I did not made the habits an integral part of me. However, my recent change is effectively the first habit of the 7: Be Proactive.

(Before I continue, I must make a disclaimer: I am not promoting any literature despite my numerous quotes of them.)

Stephen Covey says that the gap between the stimulus (e.g., a traffic jam, work overload) and our response lies our freedom to choose. I always know of that freedom, but only intellectually. Reading Awaken the Giant Within when that incident happened made me realized my (in)ability to choose my responses. In the words of Covey, "it is our willing permission, our consent to what happens to us, that hurts us far more than what happens to us in the first place." And in Robbins', "it's our decisions, not the conditions of our lives, that determine our destiny."

I fully acknowledge that the world is unfair, and for some people, if not most, having the freedom to choose seems like a luxury. But the more I dwell on this subject, the more convinced I am that freedom to choose is a gift from God, right from the start! God gave Adam and Eve the freedom to eat "from any tree in the garden; but [they] must not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil" (Gen 2:16-17). This gift is given to everyone, including those who think they do not have. (I apologize if I sound dogmatic here, but I really don't intend to. I'm blogging this to share the change I've experienced.) Paul Arden's book It's Not How Good You Are, It's How Good You Want to Be: The World's Best Selling Book is excellent resonance of the freedom to choose truth.

From the wisdom I have gained reading from these books, the revelation that the freedom to choose is God's gift, and the incident that just happened, I cannot help but wonder whether this is one of the ways the Potter's hands is molding me.

I do occasionally (maybe once in week or two) fall into the self-victimizing trap, but I am working towards exercising my freedom to choose joy and peace in every waking moment. Being jovial is in my blood; trying to behave something else is simply against my nature; I will not choose to behave in any another way that is simply not me.

With that said, I've just bought The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less. An irony? Nope, I simply want to learn how to better use my freedom to choose. ;)

The most innovative cursor in the world!

I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
(Erase all the pain 'till it's gone)

I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

(Chorus of "Somewhere I Belong", by Linkin Park)

I just roared at Angela today, insisting on the decision I had made. I blew my chance with her. I am not fit to be with her.... I am so disappointed with myself....

For the umpteenth time, someone passes the remark that I am immature. Okay, to be fair, she said something more along the line of "I feel like I talking to a younger brother."

This immature thing has been, and almost always be, the killer blow that bars me entry into a relationship. I don't think I am that immature; I think I'm more lively and chirpy. I don't usually behave during casual conversations; and I sometimes drop a few jokes during unnecessarily tensed meetings (of course, I'm on good terms with those present!). But I have no idea why someone would perceived this as immature.

If I'm immature, I wouldn't have started financial planning years ago. If I'm immature, I wouldn't have constantly upgrade myself. If I'm immature, I wouldn't have endured all the long working hours (and miss the learning process).

Argh.. this blog entry makes me feel... immature....

Under the weather again... The second time for this year... I am down with fever again... Normally, I will only fall sick twice a year (other than lovesick), but I guess the main reasons could be I am getting old, and I'm too stressed....

Despite that I have always wanted to learn the art of speed reading, I decide to first read Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity, written by David Allen. And I am not disappointed with my decision in doing so.

I have always been a "professionally" procrastinator for all my life. No doubt I still complete my tasks, I, more often than not, tackle the tasks when, in Allen's words, "they blow up." :p

Well, my tertiary education may have shaped my character that way; I was taught "by hook or by crook, as long as you get things done." And I have no idea how the hell I managed to mangle that principle, and bring my procrastination to the next level. Oh well, no point crying over spilled milk now.

The blessed thing is: I know I am a big-time procrastinator, and I actually want to change for the better. However, the sad truth is: I procrastinated getting rid of my procrastination! What an irony!

Anyway, I can't say I have turned over a new leaf for good (for now, at least). But with Allen's coaching, I think I have finally found the key to say goodbye to procrastination forever... Er... I think I will find out that in three months' time when I reflect on this again... I'm hoping that I won't procrastinate reflecting then.... :p

I attended Karine's father's wake today with Sharon. Despite having attended so many wakes, I still don't know what to say. Therefore, I chose to be myself - I tried to crack jokes (subtle ones) and hoped I could cheer Karine up.

When a person is dead, he belongs no longer to this world; the irony is that the living are the ones left mourning for the dead. Christians mourn too, but we believe death is only a temporal separation; eventually, we will reunite in His kingdom.

However, I wasn't thinking so much about the dead; I was more interested in the living. After all, it is the living who need to carry on with life, here on this world. I remember one very meaningful phrase, which goes something like:

Although it is the shortest in length on the tombstone, the dash between the birth and death years represents the most important part of that person's life.

I cannot help but wonder: how meaningful will my life be? How meaningful will yours be?

After an excruciating one week, I finally managed to migrate my OS to Windows Vista. I did not expect the migration to take this long, but as I was preparing for the migration - with activities like backing up email account settings - I realized my hard disk's cluster size was setup wrongly. I had to spend a few days moving all the data from one drive to another, delete the partitions, re-create the partitions, and move everything back again, before I could start the proper upgrade. However, even after installing Windows Vista, I had to source for compatible drivers, and anti-virus software. And in the process of troubleshooting my sound card failure, I damaged my RAM, and I spent 200 bucks to replace and upgrade my RAM to 2GB.

Is it worth the effort migrating to Windows Vista? So far, I think it is, especially after experiencing the Aero interface!

Well, I think I am love-sick today...

I was emitting excessive heat throughout the entire day, and even though today wasn't especially cold, I was shivering. Some of my muscles were aching and some of my joints weak. I felt very tired and could hardly concentrate.

Sigh.... Angela is on leave today, and that may be the reason why I'm love-sick today.... :p

I was utterly disappointed with myself yesterday.... I couldn't believe I felt and behaved the way I loathed: I was jealous with Shing Fuu over Angela....

Well, they are best of friends, and no matter whether they are in a relationship or not, I ought not feel jealous. After all, I reasoned that when I felt jealous, I was in possessive mode. But Sharon told me I was simply in love with Angela. Sigh, just when I thought I was getting out of the Elena saga......

Third day into mum's first chemotherapy cycle and things aren't looking that good. She is feeling tired easily today and suffers from nauseas. Well, since these are the common side-effects of chemotherapy, I am not too worried; what I'm worried about is that these side-effects have affected her moods. I'm hoping that these side-effects will subside soon (I think it should happen on the fifth to seventh day of chemotherapy).

On a separate note, I received my CFA results this evening, and, well as expected, I failed. I think I will take the examinations again, cos I don't believe I am that stupid. What I lack is the discipline to study, and I am hoping that I will pull up my socks, study and pass the damn exam. Nope, I'm doing it not because I want to prove that I am not dumb; I'm doing it 'cos I want to cultivate the discipline to complete the things I'm set to do.

I am thankful to all my friends for encouraging me these days. My moods are picking up, and I am almost back to the jovial self. I guess a happier and less worried me will help in mum's attitude towards her upcoming treatment.

Although it is already quite late, I still want to list my resolutions for 2007. I think making resolutions do help me keep a check on what I want to do for the year. But before that, I would like to review my 2006 resolution list.

Out of the ten resolutions I've made, I think I have only managed to stick to doing the following three resolutions:

• Reading through the Bible once.
• Exercising more often.
• Bringing more joy and blessings to people around me.

Actually, the last item ("bringing joy...") is arguably questionable, 'cos I have no idea whether I've brought blessings to people around me (after all, I don't around asking them whether I've blessed them). However, I am very happy that I have read through the Bible once (completed that in September), and that I've made more effort in joining my company's jogging gang.

Okay, now let's go on to my resolutions for this year:

1. Spend more time with God (I don't think I've spent enough with Him last year; besides, is there such a thing as spending enough time with Him?)
2. Develop more patience and love for the people around me. (Again another recycled resolution, but with a twist: I must learn how to listen better before uttering a word.)
3. Spend more quality time with my parents (especially mum).
4. Inject more passion to everything that I do. (That way, I would enjoy the activities more.)
5. Read the Bible through once again. (How else to know God better?)
6. Internalize at least 3, of the 7, habits of effective people. (Another recycled resolution, but I think it is a good goal to work towards to.)
7. Leave behind the past, and be more active in getting dates. (More on this later.)
8. Read more financial related books. (Though I love reading IT-related books, I think I should develop a deeper and active interest in gaining financial knowledge.)
9. Take a Masters in Finance course. (To improve myself, and my market value.)
10. Master speed reading. (Again, a recycled resolution.)
11. Blog more often (and sort out my thoughts as I blog, and have a good laugh when I read the past entries).
12. Be more disciplined in the projects I embark on (regardless of personal or official projects).
    

Again, this is quite a list to work with, but then again, sticking to any one will bring me 8.33% closer to sticking to the entire list. From last year's list, I was at the 25% (or 30%) mark.

And now, to address the controversial resolution #7. I have been too stubborn with my affections for Elena. Inasmuch as I would like to continue carrying a torch for her, I think I am barring God from pointing me to the actual Miss Right. Well, Elena might still be the one; but if I give up the whole garden for this flower, how then am I able to know that she truly is the one? A person can only be deemed as "the one" when he/she is compared to/selected from a group of people, which the phrase "one in a million" describes adequately. Other than my depleting youth, I also wish to fulfill my mum's wish in seeing me settling down. That sounds kind of cliche (and highly controversial), but then again, I realize people don't (usually) live just for themselves. From my mum's incident, I see that making people around me happy (i.e. living for them) shouldn't just be a "I do it 'cos I feel like doing it" thing. Yes, I know, and must be clear, that my desire to settle down should not be purely an act to make my mum happy (I have to be fair to the other party after all). In any case, I must be active in expanding my social circle, not only for the purpose of trying to get hitched.

It will be a busy year ahead, and with my mum's conditions, I might be emotionally stretched. I hope I will be able to pull through, with Him as my companion as I kick off this year's journey.

what better day than today to blog?

A lot has happened in since my last entry. A lot of terrible things.

I was hellishly busy with work, so much so that I had to make cameo appearances every now and then when I was on leave. But on the whole, I usually felt the sense of accomplishment whenever I met a milestone.

However, things haven't been rosy at home. I felt lost when the doctor diagnosed my mum was suffering with colorectal cancer, even after they performed an urgent surgery on her. I felt a sigh of relieved when the chemotherapist told us that the surgeons had removed everything they suspected and there should no cancerous cells left in mum. However, as the pathology report showed that mum's cancer was in last stage (but thank God, it wasn't terminal), mum needed to undergo chemotherapy to destroy all remaining, invisible-to-the-naked-eye cancerous cells.

Although the rest of my family could finally breathe a sigh of relief, I still couldn't help but worry for mum. I have a lot of what-ifs in me, and I haven't really been able to pick up my moods these days.

I am thankful for all my church friends who are praying for my mum... And I really appreciate all my friends for forgiving my lousy moods these days...

For now, I could only hope and pray that mum will pull through the chemotherapy and enjoy family life again...

I want to fall in love.... :(

Before I start another long post.....

I don't know why but it seems that I've became an easy target for people hurling insults at me. Well, most likely they think that I am stupid (why can't I tell whether an option is in-the-money or out-of-the-money? Why can't I differentiate join-points from point-cuts?), dumb (why am I still holding a torch for Elena?), a loser (why haven't I ever been in a relationship for my entire life?), poor (why do I have so little assets under my name?) and ugly (why am I keeping long hair, especially when my hair is curly, and have a vomit-inducing face?)

Yes, maybe to these people, I am just a lowly life-form, leeching on Earth's precious resources, and should simply vanish, making the world a better place for these "superior beings". And yes, I gladly accept that I am a lowly life-form, simply because I am made out of nothing but dust (how high a life-form can dust be anyway?). Yes, I also gladly admit that I am as much a loser as I can possibly be in the eyes of the world. However, I know that I am but an alien of this world. I admit that I often fall into the traps of looking at myself and, at times, others through the eyes of the world - to be successful in life, one must be intelligent, rich, have high EQ, have a beautiful wife/handsome husband, etc). A lot of people think that I am wrong to have dreams (for example, what's wrong with dreaming having a blissful marriage with Elena?) and I should wake up and continue to play my role as a lowly life-form.

I believe everyone is precious to God, even for lowly life-forms like me. Yes, none of us are equal according to the world's standards, but in God's eyes, everyone is equally precious. God does not favor one over the other; He does not despise one more than the other too. There is nothing we can do to earn more favor from Him, nor is there anything that we do can anger Him more. Yes, I fall short of the glory of God, but so does everyone else. Am I comforting myself with these beliefs? Perhaps to the eyes of those who find satisfaction by gaining recognition from his/her peers, I am simply deceiving myself. But do I give a damn? No.

Take my affections for Elena as an example. Some of my peers think that I am being idealistic/dumb/hopeless for having so much feelings for a person I barely know. After some reflections, I found that these friends were simply telling me that they were smarter and they knew better 'cos of their richer "life experiences". Yes, thank you very much, my friends, but I give thanks to God for giving me a heart to pour out my feelings to the one I like. If prayer warriors can pray earnestly for the victims of natural disasters/wars whom they barely know, why am I wrong to display affections for a lady I barely know? Fine, I may be comparing apples with oranges here, but the main point is: I can love someone with no reserves. How many people can do this? As far as I know, not many. Most people expect their boyfriends/girlfriends to love them more than they do, and commonly, the "amount" of love they give depends on the "amount" their boyfriends/girlfriends give.

Am I trying to imply, in this blog entry, that I wiser/morally superior than most people? No, I don't, 'cos in God's eyes, all of man's wisdom are foolishness. What I am implying is that God has given us different gifts, so it is very important to respect those differences. I think it is acceptable to give advice, but if the other party find it unsuitable/inappropriate for his/her situation, respect his/her decision (and don't pass judgment or hurl insults at him/her). Should one day the friend you are giving advice to finds that he/she is indeed folly in rejecting your kind words, give him/her words of comfort and remind him/her to reflect and learn from his/her mistakes.

Let's make this stay more bearable by "loving your neighbor as yourself" (Luke 10:27).

PS: I think this entry might start a flame war with some of my friends, and for that, I apologize in advance. This entry is not targeted at anyone; it is simply me "thinking out loud."

I want one too...

I bought a ticket and watched "The Departed" on Monday, thinking that I needed a much-needed break.

Anyway, without giving too much away, the movie deserves a merit of its own, despite that it is based on the original Hong Kong version - Infernal Affairs. When I first heard about this film, I rolled my eyes when the movie critics described Leonardo's character as "an angry undercover", as opposed to Tony Leung's dispirited character.

Anyway, despite a flaws here and there (for example, Vera's fall for Leonardo is too unbelievable), this movie is still worth your money if you can forgive Martin for dropping the use of Morse code (which is so cool!), the missing traumatic scene (you know what I mean if you've watched the original), and the oh- so-head-scratching ending (I prefer the original's ending).

Do I feel my three hours wasted? Not really - the three hours spent on the movie simply means I have to work OT to catch up with my work.....

Interesting advertisements!!! (From the posts I've made these days, what do they tell?)

An interesting look at what people envision the next generation of internet to be...

I'm back in the video clip posting "spree" again.... But then again, this clip is really amazing... :)

It has been a long time since I've posted video clips from Youtube. This one is courtesy of Keng Kiat... Thanks bro!

Not too long ago (actually, just last Friday), someone made a comment about me. He said "You are beginning to have a timeless look." And "Huh?" was my response to his comment.

"I mean, you haven't age a day since I know you (six years back)," he added.

I'm not too sure about you, but I kinda like the way he describes me - timeless look.... :p

I went home with Sharon this evening. Gosh, it has been a quite a long time since I met her. In our brief conversation, I could tell that Sharon has changed; she is now a happier person, and she enjoys every moment she spends with her fiancé. I have not seen a happier her since she left our company two years back. I am thankful for God's guidance and providence for her. It's quite strange for me to say this, but anyway, she is quite special to me: she is one of the first few good friends I've made since my employment in the private sector. Haha..... I really have to thank God for having a friend like her... :)

I had my first (and last) taste of horrid: wine, or more specifically, sake. I was lunching with Francisca in a Japanese restaurant, and she insisted me trying sake with sashimi. She said these two items were the best combination one could find when savoring Japanese food.

I was blessed enough that the one small cup didn't knock me out. Despite her generosity in sharing, I was disgusted by every sip of it - sake tasted like cough syrup. I couldn't hide my disgust, and Francisca, ever so "humorous", said, "I will train you to acquire the liking for sakae."

What's the moral of the story? Never, ever dine in a Japanese restaurant with Francisca again....

[Update: corrected the spelling of "sake" from "sakae", as pointed by Jas. That was so embarrassing!]

When I am working, I must believe I am the best in the world doing it....
When I am discussing (the same piece of) work, I must humble myself and accept the fact that I do not know it all...
Above all, at all times, I must remember to thank God for making me realizing my need for His guidance...

Sometimes I am really baffled by the violence in the world. Why must people kill to achieve their political agendas? Perhaps violence is the easiest and fastest means to establish one's political stand.

Although I grew up in a protected environment where I never had to handle political instability, I could still empathize with the families of the innocents killed in the bombings. I wished I had the power to eradicate violence throughout the world. Why does God allow these to happen? This is not an easy question to answer¹; I can only hold on to my faith that God will eventually bring judgement to these terrorists.

¹ Answers such as "'Cos man is evil" or "These are the doings of sin (in man)" do not answer the question fully. God could intervene when evil is at its fullest (remember Sodom and Gomarrah, or even the world during Noah's time?) God has His reasons, and I believe He will reveal all to us when we see Him (actually, we may not really care about these anymore when we see Him).

I have been wondering what the hell I have been doing for the past 8 years being God's child.

I don't think I truly understand what it means to count the cost or carry the cross. Yes, I know salvation is free 'cos of His grace; but it is free to us (read: me) 'cos Christ has paid the price so I don't need to. It is a fact that I know, but my behavior seems to be telling me that I don't fully comprehend the great love Jesus has for me.

Tell me then, why is it that only during times of trouble I would pray to Him more regularly? Why is it that I keep falling to the same old sin? Why is it that I desire to be with Elena more than to be with God? For the past one month, I felt wretched and tortured by my ways, which like quicksand, kept pulling me in as fast as I struggled.

"Remember Jesus' words on the cost of discipleship?" God asked when I was going home this evening. And as I was composing this entry, I turned to the scripture on the cost of discipleship (Luke 14:25-35), God again pointed to me that He was to be at the top of my priorities. "There is no sharing, my child. 'If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple.' (Luke 14:26)"

I have to work on my walk with God again... God wants to be at the center of my life; self have to give way for Him...

I am contemplating whether I should buy a mp3 player or a mobile phone that can double as a mp3. The major disadvantage of getting a mobile phone cum mp3 player is that it cannot have as much storage space as a mp3 player (and usually sound quality is not as good); the major advantage is that I will never miss a call again when I'm plugged in. Hmmm.... It's quite tough to decide which one to get..... Advice, anyone?

I am feeling very tired..... Tired with everything, including living.... Somehow, I feel that my clock is ticking and soon I will be no more.... I just want a rest...

But don't worry, I won't end my life prematurely....

I have had enough! I really don't get: why are people using the word "revert" when they actually mean "reply"? According the dictionary, the most common usage for "revert" is "To return to a former condition, practice, subject, or belief".... Are people embarrassed to use a very common and easy-to-understand word "reply", preferring something that "sounds" more sophisticated/bombastic, all without realizing that they are grossly wrong?

People of this generation have assumed what they know for too long, and the dictionary is grossly under-utilized. No one, absolutely no one will ever hear me utter "Elena has reverted..." or anything along that line; I'll stick to "Elena has replied..."

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecc 3:1-8

After a long break, it's finally time for me to start hitting the books again... Revisiting the CFA textbooks isn't exactly the sexiest thing to do, but hell, how else can I spend my time more meaningfully than studying and not wallowing in self-pity?

Today - the first day being 28, as well as one that starts a new chapter in my life...

Years ago, I told myself that I would [try my best] to get hitched and be married by 27. And if I didn't, I would spend all that I have saved [for my wedding] to pursue another qualification. After all, I figured that I was hopeless if I didn't get attached by 27....

27 has just bade farewell to me yesterday. And all these years, time [and life] prove one thing to me: I'm indeed hopeless in getting hitched.

I used to write "Birthday hah? Happy lor!" on birthday cards. But somehow, I wished that today was another day that occur once-in-four-year (just like 29 Feb) or maybe even once-in-a-decade. No doubt it marked yet another year living, I didn't really felt happy about it. I know I have to count my blessings, but I desire something more - I want to spend my birthdays with that someone special (not necessarily Elena, but I would be thrilled if it's her).

Yes, I know I'm asking for a reprimand for saying that, and yes, I do appreciate having friends remembering my birthday, sending me well-wishes, and celebrating it for me. But I am tired of being reminded that I do have not that someone special to spend this special day with. Somehow, I felt depressed today; the funny thing is: I don't feel myself depressed on any other day.

I think it's really about time to move on and prepare myself for a new change in goals. Love has abandoned me for the longest time I can recall; it's about time I abandon love...

Birthday hah? Happy lor....

Today - my last day being 27.....

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the approaching train
unknown source, attributed to all whom optimists call pessimists and pessimists call realists

Strange as it may be (to me at least), I only feel a little disturbed/distracted by the revelation from my friend for the past two days. I thought I would be deeply affected, but somehow I wasn't. I believe two things are happening to me: God is sustaining me, and I have consciously chosen not to be affected by the revelation.

I don't know, either I am too naive or too optimistic, but somehow I still feel that I stand a chance with Elena. Haha, perhaps it's just mere stupidity at work, but whatever the case is, I still like her very much. I guess I have to shift my prayer focus to "will I be with her" to "prepare her heart and point her to the one"...

All I want to hope (for now) is that she will lead a happy (and blessed) life...

Well, today is not a very good day...

I had to sit through a meeting which didn't really concern me. And while defending my preference for a particular distribution workflow, the vendor raised his voice and ended our "discussion" with "the system belongs to me and I know it better than you!" Oh well, this is yet another instance a software developer (or owner, or systems owner) who thinks that it is better to stick to the original way to use the system rather than amend it and make life easier for the end users. I secretly wished I could just smack him and tell him "machines/software are made to make our work easier, not the other way round!" @#$%^&*

In the evening, I bumped into a long time friend in a shopping mall, and we decided catch up in a cafe. I knew she was working in the church which Elena attended, but I didn't expect her and Elena were close friends. Well, my friend revealed some not-so-good-yet-not-really-that-bad news to me, and that set me back thinking "what should I do next". Harlow God, what are you trying to tell me, especially at the time when my birthday is just 'round the corner?

Sigh............................ what the hell is going on in my life?!

Oh, what the hell....

I am always infuriated whenever I see the shredder machine overflowing. Bloody hell! Is whoever-responsible-for-the-overflow educated? Does he/she know what being considerate mean? To hell with the "it's the job of the cleaners" argument! Does emptying the overflowing box lower one's stature? @#$%^&*

If you think I love standing on moral high-grounds, by all means, go ahead. To me, being considerate, making another's job easier (or at least not harder than it already is) is more important than maintaining an "air of importance", which, after all, is an air one creates himself to deceive, who else but himself...

@#$%^&*

As if a ghost had appeared, she took the longer path to go back to her desk. But the ghost detected her shunning away, and played along with her by pretending not to have noticed her. When the ghost bade farewell to Francisca, it could almost feel her sighing relief as it left her world....

But that won't be the last of the ghost... It wants to be, for the rest of her life, the first thing she will see every morning when she wakes up....

I'm not sure about you, but I'm looking forward to next summer's coming now! All because of this....

The computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match.Bill Bryson

In the midst of face-lifting my blog again... Hope I can get it done by the end of the week....

I suffered insomnia and felt freaking tired at work. However, I still went for a jog to discharge the "lazy" energy within me, and surprisingly, I managed to complete the 7km route without dropping dead. I must thank God for keeping me healthy and safe all these times - I could have a heart attack while pushing myself when jogging; after all, I'm no longer as fit as I used to be.... Sigh, the side-effect of growing old..... :p

With each passing day, this blog seems to be an abandoned child... Oh well, I think I have idled enough, and it's about time I pull up my socks and enrich myself.

I have wasted half of this year doing almost nothing, and today, while I had tea with Ngee Kuan, I realized that I had been wasting myself away. It's not that he reprimanded me or whatsoever; it's just that life is more than rotting away.... Haha... :p

Anyway, since I couldn't do anything about my affection for Elena¹, I guess I have to look for some other things to concentrate on. Enriching myself should be a good choice.... :)

¹ From her observations, Francisca feels that Elena isn't prepared to enter into a relationship. I'll blog about this some other day....

If someone thinks that ending a relationship three days after it has started is an achievement, then what does that mean to a person who has been holding a torch for a year [or more] and nothing [positive] happens?

Needless to say, I fall in the latter camp, therefore effectively rendering myself an unconvincing person to comment on people who have the former camp's school of thoughts. I'm not implying that I'm an *authoritative* voice for the torch-holders, but I think my thoughts for this camp should at least more convincing.

Holding torches is not an easy thing to do. After all, it apparently requires more than physical attractions for a person to like another for a long time without any reciprocation. Therefore, not trying to defend myself, I think [long-term] torch-holders aren't "losers". In fact, I would like to suggest that [most] torch-holders truly understand giving is more important than receiving.

Hence, I urge whoever is reading this to continue to give your support to your torch-holding friends. Their journeys ain't a bed of roses; they'll need all the encouragements they can get.

And if you would, give me your encouragements too..... :)

I attended a "Effective Business Writing" course conducted by Barry Johnson on Tuesday, and I learnt a lot of things from him in the four days.

He taught us the different styles of writing letters, minutes and reports. He also taught us the importance of keeping our language simple. He said, "No one, no one will be able to understanding what you are writing if your fog index is above 11!"

He stressed that using difficult/bombastic words would not make a person appearing smarter. "Great man use simple words." In those four days, he corrected our grammar and style of writing, and I enjoyed his teachings greatly.

I would love to attend his classes again.

Harlow,

It has been a long time since our last conversation. How have you been? I noticed that you have been knocking off late frequently for the past few weeks, and I hope your stacking work-pile has diminished sizeably.

Well, I just thought of dropping you an email to let you know something that I believe you dimly are aware of. I longed to tell you that I like you very much. I'm a person who is lousy with words, especially when I'm with the person I adore. I guess you would have noticed how tongue-tied I was whenever I tried striking a conversation with you. I am never good in the "game" of courtship and I believe you should have sensed that too. Alas, I apologize for all the inconveniences/troubles I have unconsciously/indirectly caused all these times.

Actually, just a few days ago, I was agonized whether I should continue to hold the torch for you (despite that I have not been doing anything about this for a long time). I've prayed, but there wasn't any answer from Him. Then I asked myself: what is it about you that I like? Other than your smile, as well as the largely-inferred personality of yours, I couldn't find any other reasons. I asked myself again: why I should continue to adore you then?

"Why not?" was the answer that came swiftly to me. The answer wasn't "make-do with" in nature; far from it! I came to realize that I just adore you, simple as that. It's no longer just a feeling of chemistry that playing tricks (after all, I've been your "secret admirer" for the past one year) - a one-side love can only hold out for so long. Hence, I deduced that I adore you simply because I adore you as you are.

I hope you are still reading this, and if I have scared you, I sincerely apologize. You can have my promise that I won't intrude into your personal life/privacy. I just want to express my feelings for you 'cos I don't want to regret for not doing so (actually, I still have a little regret: I wished I could confess to you in person.)

I believe you will find your happiness in the man God is preparing for you. All the best and may His blessings shower onto you forever and ever.

God bless....

[Editor's note: An email I wished I could send to her. Haha, I'm just too much of a failure to do so.... Serves me right....]

OMG, I haven't been blogging for 4 days! Oh well, as if anyone cares... Anyway, this is a really "shocking" video posted in youtube....

I had lunch with Shaun today, and he broke the news that he has brought a friendship with a lady friend to the next level. Despite him repeatedly stating that they are only "trying out", I believe things will work out between them¹. And hence, his would be the second "announcement" I have received in the past one month.

Yesterday, XY asked me, paraphrased, "now that HL is attached, when would you be bringing your girlfriend to church?" Today, both Shaun and Leeanne unanimously were surprised that I "have not given up hope on Elena". Well, I told them "it takes time for me to let go," and that "it would not be fair to the next gal, as she might just be a substitute for Elena." Truly, I have to thank them for their well-intended concern, but I guess I'm just too dumb to comprehend what "quickly move on to the next potential" means. Whatever it is, I appreciate their patience with an unintelligent living organism all these time... :)

And for now, allow me to feed my ego for a second: today, praises for our performance came pouring in². Almost everyone who attended the dinner and dance expressed that they were impressed with our item and that they adored my drumming skills. There was even one lady, whom I have no idea who she is, said she recognized me as the drummer by my ponytail! Yes, I must admit I feel flattered whenever I hear these praises.

However, I'm waiting for a commendation that will never come from the lips I wish to hear from...

¹ And the best part is: I don't even know who she is. But that won't stop me from believing (and wishing them) things will work out between them!
² Actually, these praises came in on the dinner and dance evening itself. :p

Today is the first time that I was so formally dressed - blue long sleeve shirt, with a plain navy tie, complete with a navy blazer and a pair of matching pants. At first, I felt extremely uneasy wearing that, but due to the dress code indicated, I had no other choice but to attend my sector's dinner and dance in that.

The song our ad-hoc assembled band was to perform was scheduled as the second last item for the evening¹, and as the time drew nearer, I felt slightly disappointed. The reason? I thought Elena² has already left, since I couldn't see her anywhere, and her handbag was not on her seat. Yes, I was more eager to perform the piece³ with her presence, more than the presences of all others.

God was really kind to me; a minute before I had to go onto the stage, I saw Elena conversing happily with her colleague. With a warm, fuzzy feeling, I went up the stage, only to realize that her back was facing the stage! With the spotlight and all, I couldn't see whether she turned her back to watch the performance. Despite that, I was still grateful to God that she was around; and even if she didn't see me playing, I was indebted to God that He allowed me to play for her...

But I guess, that's the last time I could ever do it; she'll be a happier person when I don't intrude her private space...

¹ The last item was actually a "patriotic" song for the sector, and IMO, it was a total disaster - wrong key, wrong beat, and my gosh, croaking voices!
² Have I ever mentioned that she was gorgeous in her evening dress this evening?
³ Yes, I'm fully aware that I wasn't the focus for the song (the vocalist and the saxist were), but I still wanted to perform for her and her alone.

God has been very gracious to me, despite I keep letting Him down time and time again...

He has given me:

• The gift of making music as a percussionist,
• The wisdom to break problems into manageable bite-sizes,
• The patience to lend a listening ear to those who need it,
• A means to make a living,
• Family and friends who just accept me the way I am,
• A healthy body to do the things I enjoy, and
• Most importantly, His son to die for my transgressions.

Of course, He has also given me so much blessings in almost every other area of my life, and I sincerely give thanks to all that He has given me. I guess, for now, demanding Him to point me to the perfect love-life is too ungrateful a thing for me to do....

For now, I just want to indulge in His love....

I don't mean to keep posting video clips from youtube, but this is really neat!

What if Darth Vadar visits Japan?

My newfound favorite rock band from the Land of the Rising Sun.... :)

Oh yes, it occurred to me that:

1. The mass jogging event (JPMorgan run) was on a Wednesday,
2. It was its third run held locally, and
3. I clocked 33 minutes and 30 seconds for the 5.6km route.

Other than the zero in the 30 seconds, I had so many threes that day.... Perhaps, it's a hint for me to focus on the Trinity... :p

It was a freaking long day for me today. After handing over the working macro to John, I was astonished to be informed that the macro didn't match his requirements. "I wanted the macro to leave out unmodified issues and issuers from the list," said John. Hence, I spent the better half of the rest of the day re-implementing what he missed communicating to me the day before. Praise be to our living God! I completed the re-implementation just before the practice, with the reference He pointed me to before lunch.

And at around 9pm, with the other colleagues, Rayner and gang, we went to a studio and worked on the piece we are to perform during the sector's dinner and dance next Saturday. I don't know, but somehow I kept making silly mistakes, and somehow, I didn't seem to be able to convince them that the main vocalist should actually be the one setting and leading the tempo; the drummer (yup, that's me) is only supposed to maintain and change the tempo with reference to the lead's singing¹. Whatever the case is, I believe the other reason is because we haven't developed the tacit understanding yet. Perhaps, simply, I'm just plain lousy.

A good two hours of practice passed, and coupled with another 45 minutes required for traveling, I was totally drained by the time I reached home. The reason I'm still able to blog is because I have to wait for my mane to dry before turning in for the night.

Tomorrow's going to be another long, tiring day...

¹ After all, the musicians (not just the drummer) should not be the reason for holding back the lead vocalist when he/she decides to sing a little slower/faster for certain parts of the song.

One of the most oft-asked questions is: do I still like Elena? This evening's mass jogging event cemented my answer: yes, I still do...

Ever since that eventful day, I hardly try to catch a glimpse or two of her whenever I walk past her desk¹. I don't even mention her to any of my friends², or think of ways to court her; in a way, she kinda "disappear" from my life since that day. Although there were two or three times we bumped into each other³, I pretended⁴ not to have noticed her presence either by busying myself with my mobile phone, or by actively engaging a conversation with a fellow colleague.

Even though I may have recognized that my heart still lies with her, I guess I should still keep a distance from her. I guess that for now, that is the only thing I can do to let her feel more comfortable/happy... Lord, please continue to guide me in the journey of recovery ahead...

¹ The main reason why I still do walk past her desk is 'cos the waiting time for the lifts on the other side (as in her side) are shorter.
² Well, except when my friends asked how things are getting along, the only thing I would say about her is that "she seems to be disgusted by me."
³ Unintentionally, of course.
⁴ Hmmm, feigning ignorance is a BAD, BAD thing... In fact, I pretended I didn't realize her presence at all throughout today's mass jogging event... God, forgive me.....

As I was waiting for the betrayer to come for me, I could somehow feel His submission to God.

And while the soldiers were whipping and pushing me from behind, I could feel the heaviness of the cross He/I was carrying.

I could feel His pain when they nailed me to the cross.

I am grateful that He has died for my sins while I am still a sinner, and despite it was only a skit put up for the Sunday school children this Easter, I was ministered through and through by this simple play...

Lord, forgive me my transgressions, and make me whole again in You....

I have an impulse to love someone whom I have never met before; an impulse from the remnant of a dream I just had. I have no idea who that lady is - to have appeared in my sub-consciousness - and I could still vividly feel her kiss... But when the dream was over, I was left alone, facing the reality that love has never been kind to me...

Well, the "verdict" is out, and I'm trying my very best not to be affected by it....

During the lunch hours, I took a pack of pastries, walked over to her place, and intended to pass it to anyone in her cluster (absolutely no intentions of wanting to see her, or whatsoever.) Well, no big twist again, she was around, and thus, I just walked towards her desk and the following conversation ensued:

Me: Hey, here's some food for you all. My colleague has bought it on my behalf. (And I placed the pack on their coffee table.)
Elena: Oh, please take it back; we have enough food already. (And she quickly passed the pack back to me.)
Me: .... Well, pass it to Francisca for me then.
Elena: (Quite hostilely) No. You pass it to her yourself later.
Me: .... Pass the message to her that it's from me.
Elena: No...
Me: .... Never mind. (And I continued to place the pack on Francisca's desk) I'll drop her an email then... (Walked away.)

Lord, I know my world will crumble very, very soon. Please give me the strength to survive this catastrophe without affecting anyone around me. Give me the sensitivity to Your comforting arms, and the wisdom to accept that Your love is more than sufficient for me. In His precious name..........................

Well, in any case, the following account does not explain why I feeling better today....

Last night, feeling agonized due to my "depression," I went to my room after finishing my work. In total darkness, I could almost feel my world collapsing on me and felt like crying. Then, as I prayed to God, I could feel myself being wrapped in His loving arms. Albeit the comforting feeling wasn't that intense, I think it was enough for me to be comforted by Him. I prayed for submission and for wisdom, not for the purpose of "scoring points" with Elena, but for the intention to re-prioritize my priorities, that setting God as the center of my life should be at the top of my list, not second (well, guess anyone would know who the person is to have been sitting at the number one spot.) The turmoil was calmed, and I had one of the best "concussions" since... since I don't-know-when... (Anyway, I dreamt of Elena too, but this is not the focus of this entry....)

Rain bile on me if you want, but right after waking up this morning, I sprang immediately to the mode of taking-things-into-my-own-hands again, and attempted to devise plans on how I ought to communicate with her. Well, praise be to the Almighty, I could feel something (or rather someone) within me reminding me to "let go and leave things into His hands." That "alarm" lasted for quite some time and eventually, the stiff-necked me¹ did heed to that.

(Again, I must stress that the following account is not the reason why I'm feeling better today, and is not the focus of this entry.)

I reached the office quite early today (perhaps around five minutes past nine), so quite naturally, I didn't expect Elena to have already reported for work (surprisingly, my expectation to see her was declining fast as I was approaching her desk with each passing second.) Okay, not an entirely big twist, but she was at her desk (staring at the monitor, I think), and with a momentarily hesitation, I just walked up to her, and asked her how she is managing her cell group. (For a record, the conversation lasted no longer than the time required to cook instant noodles.) Then, I followed up with an email, shortly after the short (pun intended) exchange, asking her more questions, which (yes, to my surprise) she replied around an hour later. (For yet another record, I replied with yet another mail at around 2pm.)

(Again, I must stress that the account above is not the reason why I'm feeling better today, and is not the focus of this entry.)

So, what is the focus of this entry? The path is really easy when God is in charge. I have always been usurping the authority from God, foolishly believing either that I'm in charge, or I still have to put in the more effort even God is providing. Well, this morning's "incident" taught me a valuable lesson: trusting in God and striking the balance in the amount of effort to put in are very important. Yes, I trust that God will provide, since He delights in giving gifts² to His children. But man cannot just sit and wait for things to happen (or putting it in a more theological manner: man cannot just wait for God to do all the work); man must contribute to the work God is leading in order to paint the perfect picture. This lesson is evident in, and central to the theme of, the book of Nehemiah. My contribution is important, but letting Him determine how best to use it is of utmost importance.

Yes, I think the manner this lesson is delivered is kinda weird, but well, the important thing is: I'm learning an important lesson! No longer this lesson is understood by me through mere reading (i.e. head knowledge); I've learnt it through experience.... Rejoice!!!!

This is one lesson that is long overdue...... (as in I should have learnt it earlier!!!!!) But better late than never, right? ;)

¹ Yes, that's how I describe myself, since I think I am a rebellious child. If not, how do one explain why I'm still sinning? (Of course, I know that we are all saved by grace, and that despite that we are already saved, we still do sin.) Anyway, I "labeled" myself as stiff-neck 'cos I want to remind myself not to follow the footsteps of the rebellious Israelites back in the OT.
² Although God delights in giving gifts, the channel He gives His gifts is not always "easy-to-swallow" in nature. I believe that sometimes these gifts come in the form of mishaps, and the true nature of these gift is the lesson to learn from it. Emerging stronger in faith, and character is the best gift God gives. ;)

After yesterday's entry, I realized that my emotions have been going through yet another roller-coaster ride, not unlike those previous accounts.

Fair enough, since I admit that I'm an emotional creature, I guess my slip into "depression" must be due to "that biological day of the month" which is like "haunting" me "biologically" since day one...

So what the moral of the "story"? Recognize and acknowledge that I'm emotional, grit my teeth, hang on to it, and continue my kamikaze style in loving Elena...

Have been extremely busy last week, so much so that the earliest time I could rest my head was normally after 12-1am...

And last week was one of the most agonizing weeks I've ever been through... Work wasn't the only thing that kept me busy; affairs of the heart were torturing me too....

Well, as mentioned in the previous entry, I was advised to start the proper communication with Elena, which to my dismay, it didn't occur last week. I kept looking for the chance to do it, but either I was too caught up with my stacking work pile, or somehow she left earlier than usual.

"You know what? During one of those days while I stepped out of the office in my 'dazed mode', Elena tried getting my attention by waving her hands in my face when we dumped into each other in the lift. Then we chatted a bit before she left for her friend's place." Shaun told me, over lunch today.

That account from him dealt a severe blow in my heart, 'cos pessimistically, I believed I would never receive the same treatment Elena has given to him. Well, deep inside, I admit that I do hope she hasn't developed a liking for Shaun, and of course, Shaun hasn't developed one for her too (yes, I know I'm being very selfish here). But the blow geared more towards the side of "why-the-hell-am-I-not-talking-to-her"...

For one thing, I am the very person who wants to get closer to her, to know her, and to love her. But I, too, am the very person who seems to be the one standing between Elena and myself. If the "signs" God has given thus far is that she is the one, why the hell am I doing the very opposite thing?

I don't know, but I know deep inside, loving her with my all is the very thing I desire to do for the rest of my life. However, ironically, thoughts of giving up surface every now and then, lulling me to take the easiest path to resolve this "thorny issue". But I know, I know that I desire to spend the rest of her life with her. Why, then, is there two conflicting forces within me, tearing the vulnerable me apart? Are my past experiences in being rejected holding me back, convincing me to "play safe"? Damn it, but isn't "playing it safe" the surest way to rejection again?

Why do I keep thinking that "shielding her from as little pressure as possible" my best attempt in courting her? Yes, I know hard sell isn't going to do any good either, but is my "least-pressure-exerted" attempt actually my cowardice in disguise? I reckon my timidness is actually the truth, but damn it, why couldn't I just overcome my very own weakness that I know so well of?

I don't know... I really, really, really love her, and I don't want to regret for the rest of my life... God, I pray, not for more courage to be bestowed to me, but for the wisdom and determination to muster all courage You have already given me since the day You have knitted me in my mother's womb....

Pray for me, too, will you?

Eunice thinks that the path has been laid and I should start taking more concrete actions instead of continuing to admire Elena from afar. She suggested that I should ask Elena out for dinner, instead of lunch. She felt that everyone in her division would know Elena is lunching with me, which, in her opinion, might be a little pressurizing Elena. Dinner wouldn't be as stressful for Elena, since the time spent would be the time after knock off, and hence the chances of her division knowing would be minimal. Eunice suggested I should prepare the topic to talk about, and asking Elena about the managing of cell group would be a good one to start off with.

Francisca shares Eunice's views that I should be doing something more concrete, but she felt that asking Elena out for either lunch or dinner isn't appropriate for the time being. She feels that I ought to start proper communications with Elena, perhaps via email first, to build a proper friendship with her. Francisca agreed with Eunice that asking Elena about cell group management is a good topic to start off with.

I am truly grateful that God has pointed me to these two friends who are so supportive of me courting Elena. Almost everyone else thinks that I ought to give up and move on - even Leeanne thinks that I ought to "get over and done with"; but Eunice and Francisca are so supportive and they are even praying for me on this. (Okay, okay, Jasmine, Serling and Keng Kiat are supportive too).

I really hope that things will turn out well between Elena and me... God, if You will, can I ask for yet another sign, Gideon style? :p

Received a wedding invitation this morning. I think this is the funniest one I've received thus far. Nope, the core of the invitation content isn't funny. The hilarious portion lies at the end of the invitation. It says:

Your well wishes are most coveted by the merry couple
But above that, if you desire to give gifts
Cash gifts will be appreciated.

Hahaha....

I've been "reprimanded" again today...

Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment to disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him...

As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something is unclean, then for him it is unclean. If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died. Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken as evil....

So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin. Rom 14:1-3, 14-16, 22-23

Well, reprimand is too strong a word.. haha... But nonetheless, I was told I wasn't sensitive to the people when I "corrected" them their views on Christian living (just read through my previous takes to "anger" yourself). Well, I was told that I was fortunate to be attending a church that teaches doctrines true to the Bible, and that I should really cherish these treasures I have gathered thus far. Even though I may have the "more correct" view of the Bible, that doesn't mean I can go around "correcting" people. I must stress that I don't "correct" people as a way to feed my ego; in fact, I'm usually furious that people are kind of "legalizing" the Bible unnecessarily and quoting verses out of context. I thought my "corrections" could "liberate" them from the "wrong" views they are holding close to their hearts for years.

And from the "reprimand" today (and actually a similar reprimand happened a couple of weeks ago), I realized that I have taken a "wrong" approach in expressing my "good" intentions. I'm not sensitive to these fellow brothers- and sisters-in-Christ. I'm not saying that I'm stronger in faith; just that, as Paul have said, what I do and/or say, I shouldn't cause another to stumble. I guess I just have to watch my mouth closer next time (although that would bring up another question: how do I watch my mouth when my eyes are located above it?)

Have been very busy these days, from trying to complete the development of an application to testing a margin trading system, I barely have enough time to complete the stacking pile of work....

Received the following email from her today....

Hi,

Thanks for the gift. Appreciate your kind thoughts, but really not necessary to go to such expense in future. May you be blessed in return for your generosity.

Best regards,
Elena

And needless to say, I'm very, very, very (multiply infinity) happy today.... :D

Well, almost everyone was like reprimanding me why the hell I didn't give the chocolates to Elena directly. "That's so insincere of you!" is one of the typical "bile" I received... Sigh....

Anyway, I do felt the whole incident does have a scent of sneakiness in it, but hey, she doesn't know when the chocolates were placed on her desk (most likely she'll think I went in earlier than she did and I left the chocolates on her desk in the morning... Haha... I do hope she'll like the chocolates... And that she isn't put off by my actions thus far....

Ever since the beginning of this month, after the barbecue pork slice incident, I have been thinking about Valentines'. Well, as mentioned in the previous entry, I'm not expecting to celebrate the V day this year. So what exactly have I been thinking about Valentines'?

Needless to say, I have been thinking whether I should get anything for Elena. I shared my original intention with Serling, Keng Kiat, Shaun and Jennifer - that is, in order not to pressure Elena, I won't be doing anything. But, as the big V draws nearer, I was beginning to have second thoughts, and hence, decided to consult Francisca. After all, I think it would be best not to do anything - thus no pressure given to her - but since she already know that I'm holding a torch for her, not doing anything doesn't seem right....

Francisca, in her usual patient manner, advised me to just buy something small for Elena - a card and a rose. She said that since Elena already know my feelings, buying something small won't hurt anything, and the gift would send her the signals that I'm still holding a torch for her, which all in all, is a good thing. Her words struck me to the core, and somehow I felt a thorny issue that has been bothering me is resolved instantly. But if I were to buy a rose, I would have to buy it today, bring it home, put it in the fridge, and take it to the office tomorrow morning, 'cos the florist won't be opening that early, and it is best not to give her anything in the presence of her colleagues (or she'll be embarrassed.) So I called Kailin immediately, asked for shops with good chocolates, and hit off immediately to buy them.

"Sir, looking for Valentines' gift? Would you like to have this box set?" the salesgirl asked.

"Oh, okay. Can I have dark and milk chocolates of any shapes except the heart shape?"

"...."

And immediately after paying, I went to purchase a card, went back to the office, and wrote "Elena, Happy Valentines'!" on the card, and left the gift on her desk....

Hmmm.... somehow, I felt so sneaky about the whole thing, but ultimately, I still feel glad to have bought her something.... :)

Exactly one year ago, I blogged about my "most hated day of the year".

Well, since the beginning of the year (or should I say, since the last), I'm not expecting myself to "celebrate" this commercialized day. However, I was that optimistic enough to declare that this year would be my last year spending this "highly consumeristic day." Haha, talk about foolhardiness at work….

Anyway, I read an article recently on how people have became more and more pragmatic in this game of love. "What? Valentines' Day is the day businessmen laugh their way to the bank! No, we don't celebrate Valentines'," and "Why must we celebrate our love only on Valentines'? We can do it everyday!" are common responses from most people (according to the article and my observations thus far). While there is certainly have a ring of truth, I'm beginning to see the pragmatism in these views. Just a quick survey, how many of these practical people celebrate their love everyday? Or to be fair, how many of them celebrate their love on days other than Valentines'? I'm definitely not a statistics collection person, but I believe the answer would be "not many."

Am I advocating that people should jump into the "traps" laid by the greedy businessmen? In a way, yes. To me, I think it's kind of impractical to celebrate your love everyday, 'cos I think excessive celebration would sort of "cheapen" the love a couple has for each other. Celebration should be made in moderation. I'm sure no matter how deep the love between two persons is, receiving a bouquet of flowers everyday won't achieve the same effects of receiving a bouquet one in a while. Yes, there are definitely other days to celebrate the love, say on the anniversaries (such as the first date, first kiss, and definitely wedding), but if the couples are the forgetful type (especially the men!), I see that there's nothing wrong in riding the "consumerism wave" and automatically be reminded every year.

To the singles like myself, there isn't a need act aloof (admittedly, I used to do that), and be "sore" about this. After all, deep inside, I admit I do want to spend Valentines' with the person I love. But for now, I don't even have the option to choose between celebrating and not.

Today's one of the days that my pessimism got the better of me. I was wondering whether I would ever be with Elena. Given how slowly things have progressed, I thought of giving up, and perhaps just "grab" anyone on the streets and settle down, well, for the sake of settling down. Nope, it's not that feelings for Elena has ebbed; it's just that, well, I've never been confident in the "game" of courtship, and I'm just plain afraid that rejection will give me a punch in my face yet again. I don't know, but somehow, I felt that this time, despite nothing (as in relationship) has ever started, I have given too much - in terms of my focus and commitment - and I'm afraid I would do the unimaginable when things don't work out... Yes, I can be a very emotional creature, and there are times, I would lose my head due to the unbalanced hormones.... I'm beginning to feel that I can't leave without her.... And that, I think at least for now, is a very bad sign....

Tomorrow is the last day of the week (as in working day of the week), and I'm not very happy about it....

Anyway, I've prayed about my relationship with Elena. Although I'm not too sure, God seemed to have answered my question "Is she the one?"... His answer seems to be "Yes, she is the one, but the time is not ripe yet."

Well, if that were really to be His answer, I guess I could only try to improve myself during this period.... And it seems like taking up cooking lessons is one of the things I ought to do... Other than my recent contemplation on whether I should take up cooking, Mum asked me when I would be cooking for her so she could take a break from cooking.... Hmmmm.... Is God telling me that through my Mum too????

[Disclaimer: This entry is about my take and interpretation on Christian living. If you are the type who think that Christians who don't live by your standards (or more accurately, your take on Christian living), please stop reading any further; otherwise, you might end up burning in anger, and think that I’m the black sheep among Christians. You have been warned!]

If you have skipped the disclaimer, please, please do me a favor by reading that carefully again before proceeding.

I’m not being judgmental or critical¹, and definitely not trying to appear morally upright or holy. For a record, I'm definitely not a very morally upright or holy person; I readily accept that I’m flawed.

First, answer the following 3 questions:

1. Can Christians gamble?
2. Can Christians drink (as in alcohol)?
3. Can Christians lie?

I believe most would have answers similar to the following:

1. No.
2. Yes, but in moderation.
3. No, it is stated in the Ten Commandments.

Well, I beg to differ. (Please read the disclaimer again if you are starting to flame.)

On the question of gambling, why is it that most people (non-Christians included) think that Christians cannot gamble? Where in the Bible is it stated? Yes, gambling can lead to addiction, but that would only happen when excessive gambling is involved. Similar to drinking, I think that gambling in moderation is permissible and as long as it’s done in the context of having some small fun with family and friends. Of course, for those who think that they cannot moderate their gambling, please, please, by all means, stay away from gambling.

As for the issue on lying², my take is: it’s not very right for a Christian to lie, but there are times lying is condoned.

Suppose we are in the situation that we could maintain peace by telling a white lie (e.g. telling a white lie to prevent a family from breaking apart), are Christians permissible to lie? Yes, I know some times telling the truth would be better, but what if the chaos can only be calmed by a lie? Remembering that half-truths are lies too, I would choose to lie to maintain the peace. Am I having a double standard in handling things? Nope, I don’t think so, ‘cos I think Christians are sinners, too, and there are times that we have to choose between the lesser of two evils to make this world a better place to live in.

No doubt the Ten Commandments are given by God, but I believe that God would understand that we would frequently³ break the "Laws". The "Laws" do not give life; grace does. We shouldn’t interpret the "Laws" based on the face values; the essences of the "Laws", as distilled by Jesus, are:

1. To love God with our hearts, and
2. To love our neighbors as ourselves.

¹ I will blog on that some other day.
² Not telling the whole truth (i.e. half-truths) are considered as lying too. For example, a child could tell his mother that he is going to school. But he leaves out the part that he's going there to meet his friends to play basketball. The mother would have happily assumed that her son is going to school to study.
³ In my opinion, whoever says that he/she rarely sins is a liar.

Somehow, the words "How willing are you in cooperating with God?" hit me today.

I pondered quite some time over those words and it dawned to me that those are simply another way of expressing "Respond willing to His love", but perhaps in a more concrete manner (although the reason – His love – is lost).

Yes, we know we should respond willing to His love, but very often, when the world starts tempting, we would somehow gravitate to our desires/insecurities and forget all about God, no matter how momentarily it would be. Yes, those of us with stronger faith would ultimately still choose to listen to God and not the world, but before that happens, as mentioned, I'm sure the desires/insecurities would take over the mind (and perhaps heart) for a few seconds when faced with temptations.

But it's strange that although we normally won't even think about cooperating with our "enemies", we would consider cooperating with the world when the enemy of God tempts us. Is it because the enemy is invisible? Could be, but the actions that accompanies the cooperation with him are not. So why is it that most of us would happily cooperate with the enemy, only to regret after the unspeakable is done?

I don't really know how to approach this scorching problem. I can only hope God will teach me how...

Went to the sector head's house today, for a festive dinner... Well, since it was a political dinner, I had no choice but to attend... Luckily, since Fiona and John wanted to leave early, I quickly excused myself once the dinner was over and went off with them.... One of the good reasons for not owning a car... ;)

N.B.: John gave us a ride to the sector head's home, and back too...!

Went to the doctor's this evening, and was prescribed Famotidine and Motilium tabs 'cos he said I'm suffering from Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease. He told me that although it is primarily a gastric disease, it could also affect the bowels and hence cause excessive bowel movements (thus explaining my diarrhea)....

Well, looks like I would have to rest more over the weekend.... But one thought did occur to me: is this disease actually a symptom to my love-sickness? :p

I was truly astonished to see Elena today (and nope, we didn't bump into each; I just saw her at her desk, alone, having noodles for lunch). The reason being: she was so out-of-this-world beautiful (sorry, her beauty today is, again, indescribable.) She was in this long white sleeve shirt, and even though I didn't know what the color of her skirt was, she looked so, so classy (again, a description that's not even 100 times near).... At that moment in time, I knew one thing for sure: I could just survive by gazing at her... Soon, soon she will be as important to me as oxygen is..... ;)

One of the reasons why I have not been blogging the last few days is: I'm suffering from a terrible diarrhea. If I recall correctly, it started last Friday, though the situation back then was quite mild and I simply brushed it aside. But since Saturday, I think I must have taken quite a bit of junk food, and at yesterday's noon, I finally couldn't take it anymore, and puked. Yup, I think I did appeared normal to all the people around me prior yesterday (I don't think Serling and Keng Kiat noticed that I was kinda unwell when I met them on Monday). Anyway, as the clinics were all closed yesterday, I could only endure through the entire suffering by sleeping through the day (spending a good 18 - 20 hours on the bed). Well, what you reap is what you have sowed: I'm suffering from a terrible headache now, due to an overdose of sleep yesterday. And yup, the doctor has prescribed me some medications, and I'm on medical leave today.... Sigh..... this translates to 6 consecutive days of not seeing Elena...... Talk about being sick - physically sick and love sick....... sigh.....