I attended Karine's father's wake today with Sharon. Despite having attended so many wakes, I still don't know what to say. Therefore, I chose to be myself - I tried to crack jokes (subtle ones) and hoped I could cheer Karine up.

When a person is dead, he belongs no longer to this world; the irony is that the living are the ones left mourning for the dead. Christians mourn too, but we believe death is only a temporal separation; eventually, we will reunite in His kingdom.

However, I wasn't thinking so much about the dead; I was more interested in the living. After all, it is the living who need to carry on with life, here on this world. I remember one very meaningful phrase, which goes something like:

Although it is the shortest in length on the tombstone, the dash between the birth and death years represents the most important part of that person's life.

I cannot help but wonder: how meaningful will my life be? How meaningful will yours be?

After an excruciating one week, I finally managed to migrate my OS to Windows Vista. I did not expect the migration to take this long, but as I was preparing for the migration - with activities like backing up email account settings - I realized my hard disk's cluster size was setup wrongly. I had to spend a few days moving all the data from one drive to another, delete the partitions, re-create the partitions, and move everything back again, before I could start the proper upgrade. However, even after installing Windows Vista, I had to source for compatible drivers, and anti-virus software. And in the process of troubleshooting my sound card failure, I damaged my RAM, and I spent 200 bucks to replace and upgrade my RAM to 2GB.

Is it worth the effort migrating to Windows Vista? So far, I think it is, especially after experiencing the Aero interface!

Well, I think I am love-sick today...

I was emitting excessive heat throughout the entire day, and even though today wasn't especially cold, I was shivering. Some of my muscles were aching and some of my joints weak. I felt very tired and could hardly concentrate.

Sigh.... Angela is on leave today, and that may be the reason why I'm love-sick today.... :p

I was utterly disappointed with myself yesterday.... I couldn't believe I felt and behaved the way I loathed: I was jealous with Shing Fuu over Angela....

Well, they are best of friends, and no matter whether they are in a relationship or not, I ought not feel jealous. After all, I reasoned that when I felt jealous, I was in possessive mode. But Sharon told me I was simply in love with Angela. Sigh, just when I thought I was getting out of the Elena saga......

Third day into mum's first chemotherapy cycle and things aren't looking that good. She is feeling tired easily today and suffers from nauseas. Well, since these are the common side-effects of chemotherapy, I am not too worried; what I'm worried about is that these side-effects have affected her moods. I'm hoping that these side-effects will subside soon (I think it should happen on the fifth to seventh day of chemotherapy).

On a separate note, I received my CFA results this evening, and, well as expected, I failed. I think I will take the examinations again, cos I don't believe I am that stupid. What I lack is the discipline to study, and I am hoping that I will pull up my socks, study and pass the damn exam. Nope, I'm doing it not because I want to prove that I am not dumb; I'm doing it 'cos I want to cultivate the discipline to complete the things I'm set to do.

I am thankful to all my friends for encouraging me these days. My moods are picking up, and I am almost back to the jovial self. I guess a happier and less worried me will help in mum's attitude towards her upcoming treatment.

Although it is already quite late, I still want to list my resolutions for 2007. I think making resolutions do help me keep a check on what I want to do for the year. But before that, I would like to review my 2006 resolution list.

Out of the ten resolutions I've made, I think I have only managed to stick to doing the following three resolutions:

• Reading through the Bible once.
• Exercising more often.
• Bringing more joy and blessings to people around me.

Actually, the last item ("bringing joy...") is arguably questionable, 'cos I have no idea whether I've brought blessings to people around me (after all, I don't around asking them whether I've blessed them). However, I am very happy that I have read through the Bible once (completed that in September), and that I've made more effort in joining my company's jogging gang.

Okay, now let's go on to my resolutions for this year:

1. Spend more time with God (I don't think I've spent enough with Him last year; besides, is there such a thing as spending enough time with Him?)
2. Develop more patience and love for the people around me. (Again another recycled resolution, but with a twist: I must learn how to listen better before uttering a word.)
3. Spend more quality time with my parents (especially mum).
4. Inject more passion to everything that I do. (That way, I would enjoy the activities more.)
5. Read the Bible through once again. (How else to know God better?)
6. Internalize at least 3, of the 7, habits of effective people. (Another recycled resolution, but I think it is a good goal to work towards to.)
7. Leave behind the past, and be more active in getting dates. (More on this later.)
8. Read more financial related books. (Though I love reading IT-related books, I think I should develop a deeper and active interest in gaining financial knowledge.)
9. Take a Masters in Finance course. (To improve myself, and my market value.)
10. Master speed reading. (Again, a recycled resolution.)
11. Blog more often (and sort out my thoughts as I blog, and have a good laugh when I read the past entries).
12. Be more disciplined in the projects I embark on (regardless of personal or official projects).
    

Again, this is quite a list to work with, but then again, sticking to any one will bring me 8.33% closer to sticking to the entire list. From last year's list, I was at the 25% (or 30%) mark.

And now, to address the controversial resolution #7. I have been too stubborn with my affections for Elena. Inasmuch as I would like to continue carrying a torch for her, I think I am barring God from pointing me to the actual Miss Right. Well, Elena might still be the one; but if I give up the whole garden for this flower, how then am I able to know that she truly is the one? A person can only be deemed as "the one" when he/she is compared to/selected from a group of people, which the phrase "one in a million" describes adequately. Other than my depleting youth, I also wish to fulfill my mum's wish in seeing me settling down. That sounds kind of cliche (and highly controversial), but then again, I realize people don't (usually) live just for themselves. From my mum's incident, I see that making people around me happy (i.e. living for them) shouldn't just be a "I do it 'cos I feel like doing it" thing. Yes, I know, and must be clear, that my desire to settle down should not be purely an act to make my mum happy (I have to be fair to the other party after all). In any case, I must be active in expanding my social circle, not only for the purpose of trying to get hitched.

It will be a busy year ahead, and with my mum's conditions, I might be emotionally stretched. I hope I will be able to pull through, with Him as my companion as I kick off this year's journey.

what better day than today to blog?

A lot has happened in since my last entry. A lot of terrible things.

I was hellishly busy with work, so much so that I had to make cameo appearances every now and then when I was on leave. But on the whole, I usually felt the sense of accomplishment whenever I met a milestone.

However, things haven't been rosy at home. I felt lost when the doctor diagnosed my mum was suffering with colorectal cancer, even after they performed an urgent surgery on her. I felt a sigh of relieved when the chemotherapist told us that the surgeons had removed everything they suspected and there should no cancerous cells left in mum. However, as the pathology report showed that mum's cancer was in last stage (but thank God, it wasn't terminal), mum needed to undergo chemotherapy to destroy all remaining, invisible-to-the-naked-eye cancerous cells.

Although the rest of my family could finally breathe a sigh of relief, I still couldn't help but worry for mum. I have a lot of what-ifs in me, and I haven't really been able to pick up my moods these days.

I am thankful for all my church friends who are praying for my mum... And I really appreciate all my friends for forgiving my lousy moods these days...

For now, I could only hope and pray that mum will pull through the chemotherapy and enjoy family life again...

I want to fall in love.... :(

Before I start another long post.....

I don't know why but it seems that I've became an easy target for people hurling insults at me. Well, most likely they think that I am stupid (why can't I tell whether an option is in-the-money or out-of-the-money? Why can't I differentiate join-points from point-cuts?), dumb (why am I still holding a torch for Elena?), a loser (why haven't I ever been in a relationship for my entire life?), poor (why do I have so little assets under my name?) and ugly (why am I keeping long hair, especially when my hair is curly, and have a vomit-inducing face?)

Yes, maybe to these people, I am just a lowly life-form, leeching on Earth's precious resources, and should simply vanish, making the world a better place for these "superior beings". And yes, I gladly accept that I am a lowly life-form, simply because I am made out of nothing but dust (how high a life-form can dust be anyway?). Yes, I also gladly admit that I am as much a loser as I can possibly be in the eyes of the world. However, I know that I am but an alien of this world. I admit that I often fall into the traps of looking at myself and, at times, others through the eyes of the world - to be successful in life, one must be intelligent, rich, have high EQ, have a beautiful wife/handsome husband, etc). A lot of people think that I am wrong to have dreams (for example, what's wrong with dreaming having a blissful marriage with Elena?) and I should wake up and continue to play my role as a lowly life-form.

I believe everyone is precious to God, even for lowly life-forms like me. Yes, none of us are equal according to the world's standards, but in God's eyes, everyone is equally precious. God does not favor one over the other; He does not despise one more than the other too. There is nothing we can do to earn more favor from Him, nor is there anything that we do can anger Him more. Yes, I fall short of the glory of God, but so does everyone else. Am I comforting myself with these beliefs? Perhaps to the eyes of those who find satisfaction by gaining recognition from his/her peers, I am simply deceiving myself. But do I give a damn? No.

Take my affections for Elena as an example. Some of my peers think that I am being idealistic/dumb/hopeless for having so much feelings for a person I barely know. After some reflections, I found that these friends were simply telling me that they were smarter and they knew better 'cos of their richer "life experiences". Yes, thank you very much, my friends, but I give thanks to God for giving me a heart to pour out my feelings to the one I like. If prayer warriors can pray earnestly for the victims of natural disasters/wars whom they barely know, why am I wrong to display affections for a lady I barely know? Fine, I may be comparing apples with oranges here, but the main point is: I can love someone with no reserves. How many people can do this? As far as I know, not many. Most people expect their boyfriends/girlfriends to love them more than they do, and commonly, the "amount" of love they give depends on the "amount" their boyfriends/girlfriends give.

Am I trying to imply, in this blog entry, that I wiser/morally superior than most people? No, I don't, 'cos in God's eyes, all of man's wisdom are foolishness. What I am implying is that God has given us different gifts, so it is very important to respect those differences. I think it is acceptable to give advice, but if the other party find it unsuitable/inappropriate for his/her situation, respect his/her decision (and don't pass judgment or hurl insults at him/her). Should one day the friend you are giving advice to finds that he/she is indeed folly in rejecting your kind words, give him/her words of comfort and remind him/her to reflect and learn from his/her mistakes.

Let's make this stay more bearable by "loving your neighbor as yourself" (Luke 10:27).

PS: I think this entry might start a flame war with some of my friends, and for that, I apologize in advance. This entry is not targeted at anyone; it is simply me "thinking out loud."

I want one too...

I bought a ticket and watched "The Departed" on Monday, thinking that I needed a much-needed break.

Anyway, without giving too much away, the movie deserves a merit of its own, despite that it is based on the original Hong Kong version - Infernal Affairs. When I first heard about this film, I rolled my eyes when the movie critics described Leonardo's character as "an angry undercover", as opposed to Tony Leung's dispirited character.

Anyway, despite a flaws here and there (for example, Vera's fall for Leonardo is too unbelievable), this movie is still worth your money if you can forgive Martin for dropping the use of Morse code (which is so cool!), the missing traumatic scene (you know what I mean if you've watched the original), and the oh- so-head-scratching ending (I prefer the original's ending).

Do I feel my three hours wasted? Not really - the three hours spent on the movie simply means I have to work OT to catch up with my work.....

Interesting advertisements!!! (From the posts I've made these days, what do they tell?)

An interesting look at what people envision the next generation of internet to be...

I'm back in the video clip posting "spree" again.... But then again, this clip is really amazing... :)

It has been a long time since I've posted video clips from Youtube. This one is courtesy of Keng Kiat... Thanks bro!

Not too long ago (actually, just last Friday), someone made a comment about me. He said "You are beginning to have a timeless look." And "Huh?" was my response to his comment.

"I mean, you haven't age a day since I know you (six years back)," he added.

I'm not too sure about you, but I kinda like the way he describes me - timeless look.... :p

I went home with Sharon this evening. Gosh, it has been a quite a long time since I met her. In our brief conversation, I could tell that Sharon has changed; she is now a happier person, and she enjoys every moment she spends with her fiancé. I have not seen a happier her since she left our company two years back. I am thankful for God's guidance and providence for her. It's quite strange for me to say this, but anyway, she is quite special to me: she is one of the first few good friends I've made since my employment in the private sector. Haha..... I really have to thank God for having a friend like her... :)

I had my first (and last) taste of horrid: wine, or more specifically, sake. I was lunching with Francisca in a Japanese restaurant, and she insisted me trying sake with sashimi. She said these two items were the best combination one could find when savoring Japanese food.

I was blessed enough that the one small cup didn't knock me out. Despite her generosity in sharing, I was disgusted by every sip of it - sake tasted like cough syrup. I couldn't hide my disgust, and Francisca, ever so "humorous", said, "I will train you to acquire the liking for sakae."

What's the moral of the story? Never, ever dine in a Japanese restaurant with Francisca again....

[Update: corrected the spelling of "sake" from "sakae", as pointed by Jas. That was so embarrassing!]

When I am working, I must believe I am the best in the world doing it....
When I am discussing (the same piece of) work, I must humble myself and accept the fact that I do not know it all...
Above all, at all times, I must remember to thank God for making me realizing my need for His guidance...

Sometimes I am really baffled by the violence in the world. Why must people kill to achieve their political agendas? Perhaps violence is the easiest and fastest means to establish one's political stand.

Although I grew up in a protected environment where I never had to handle political instability, I could still empathize with the families of the innocents killed in the bombings. I wished I had the power to eradicate violence throughout the world. Why does God allow these to happen? This is not an easy question to answer¹; I can only hold on to my faith that God will eventually bring judgement to these terrorists.

¹ Answers such as "'Cos man is evil" or "These are the doings of sin (in man)" do not answer the question fully. God could intervene when evil is at its fullest (remember Sodom and Gomarrah, or even the world during Noah's time?) God has His reasons, and I believe He will reveal all to us when we see Him (actually, we may not really care about these anymore when we see Him).

I have been wondering what the hell I have been doing for the past 8 years being God's child.

I don't think I truly understand what it means to count the cost or carry the cross. Yes, I know salvation is free 'cos of His grace; but it is free to us (read: me) 'cos Christ has paid the price so I don't need to. It is a fact that I know, but my behavior seems to be telling me that I don't fully comprehend the great love Jesus has for me.

Tell me then, why is it that only during times of trouble I would pray to Him more regularly? Why is it that I keep falling to the same old sin? Why is it that I desire to be with Elena more than to be with God? For the past one month, I felt wretched and tortured by my ways, which like quicksand, kept pulling me in as fast as I struggled.

"Remember Jesus' words on the cost of discipleship?" God asked when I was going home this evening. And as I was composing this entry, I turned to the scripture on the cost of discipleship (Luke 14:25-35), God again pointed to me that He was to be at the top of my priorities. "There is no sharing, my child. 'If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple.' (Luke 14:26)"

I have to work on my walk with God again... God wants to be at the center of my life; self have to give way for Him...

I am contemplating whether I should buy a mp3 player or a mobile phone that can double as a mp3. The major disadvantage of getting a mobile phone cum mp3 player is that it cannot have as much storage space as a mp3 player (and usually sound quality is not as good); the major advantage is that I will never miss a call again when I'm plugged in. Hmmm.... It's quite tough to decide which one to get..... Advice, anyone?

I am feeling very tired..... Tired with everything, including living.... Somehow, I feel that my clock is ticking and soon I will be no more.... I just want a rest...

But don't worry, I won't end my life prematurely....

I have had enough! I really don't get: why are people using the word "revert" when they actually mean "reply"? According the dictionary, the most common usage for "revert" is "To return to a former condition, practice, subject, or belief".... Are people embarrassed to use a very common and easy-to-understand word "reply", preferring something that "sounds" more sophisticated/bombastic, all without realizing that they are grossly wrong?

People of this generation have assumed what they know for too long, and the dictionary is grossly under-utilized. No one, absolutely no one will ever hear me utter "Elena has reverted..." or anything along that line; I'll stick to "Elena has replied..."

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecc 3:1-8

After a long break, it's finally time for me to start hitting the books again... Revisiting the CFA textbooks isn't exactly the sexiest thing to do, but hell, how else can I spend my time more meaningfully than studying and not wallowing in self-pity?

Today - the first day being 28, as well as one that starts a new chapter in my life...

Years ago, I told myself that I would [try my best] to get hitched and be married by 27. And if I didn't, I would spend all that I have saved [for my wedding] to pursue another qualification. After all, I figured that I was hopeless if I didn't get attached by 27....

27 has just bade farewell to me yesterday. And all these years, time [and life] prove one thing to me: I'm indeed hopeless in getting hitched.

I used to write "Birthday hah? Happy lor!" on birthday cards. But somehow, I wished that today was another day that occur once-in-four-year (just like 29 Feb) or maybe even once-in-a-decade. No doubt it marked yet another year living, I didn't really felt happy about it. I know I have to count my blessings, but I desire something more - I want to spend my birthdays with that someone special (not necessarily Elena, but I would be thrilled if it's her).

Yes, I know I'm asking for a reprimand for saying that, and yes, I do appreciate having friends remembering my birthday, sending me well-wishes, and celebrating it for me. But I am tired of being reminded that I do have not that someone special to spend this special day with. Somehow, I felt depressed today; the funny thing is: I don't feel myself depressed on any other day.

I think it's really about time to move on and prepare myself for a new change in goals. Love has abandoned me for the longest time I can recall; it's about time I abandon love...

Birthday hah? Happy lor....

Today - my last day being 27.....

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the approaching train
unknown source, attributed to all whom optimists call pessimists and pessimists call realists

Strange as it may be (to me at least), I only feel a little disturbed/distracted by the revelation from my friend for the past two days. I thought I would be deeply affected, but somehow I wasn't. I believe two things are happening to me: God is sustaining me, and I have consciously chosen not to be affected by the revelation.

I don't know, either I am too naive or too optimistic, but somehow I still feel that I stand a chance with Elena. Haha, perhaps it's just mere stupidity at work, but whatever the case is, I still like her very much. I guess I have to shift my prayer focus to "will I be with her" to "prepare her heart and point her to the one"...

All I want to hope (for now) is that she will lead a happy (and blessed) life...

Well, today is not a very good day...

I had to sit through a meeting which didn't really concern me. And while defending my preference for a particular distribution workflow, the vendor raised his voice and ended our "discussion" with "the system belongs to me and I know it better than you!" Oh well, this is yet another instance a software developer (or owner, or systems owner) who thinks that it is better to stick to the original way to use the system rather than amend it and make life easier for the end users. I secretly wished I could just smack him and tell him "machines/software are made to make our work easier, not the other way round!" @#$%^&*

In the evening, I bumped into a long time friend in a shopping mall, and we decided catch up in a cafe. I knew she was working in the church which Elena attended, but I didn't expect her and Elena were close friends. Well, my friend revealed some not-so-good-yet-not-really-that-bad news to me, and that set me back thinking "what should I do next". Harlow God, what are you trying to tell me, especially at the time when my birthday is just 'round the corner?

Sigh............................ what the hell is going on in my life?!

Oh, what the hell....

I am always infuriated whenever I see the shredder machine overflowing. Bloody hell! Is whoever-responsible-for-the-overflow educated? Does he/she know what being considerate mean? To hell with the "it's the job of the cleaners" argument! Does emptying the overflowing box lower one's stature? @#$%^&*

If you think I love standing on moral high-grounds, by all means, go ahead. To me, being considerate, making another's job easier (or at least not harder than it already is) is more important than maintaining an "air of importance", which, after all, is an air one creates himself to deceive, who else but himself...

@#$%^&*

As if a ghost had appeared, she took the longer path to go back to her desk. But the ghost detected her shunning away, and played along with her by pretending not to have noticed her. When the ghost bade farewell to Francisca, it could almost feel her sighing relief as it left her world....

But that won't be the last of the ghost... It wants to be, for the rest of her life, the first thing she will see every morning when she wakes up....

I'm not sure about you, but I'm looking forward to next summer's coming now! All because of this....

The computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match.Bill Bryson

In the midst of face-lifting my blog again... Hope I can get it done by the end of the week....

I suffered insomnia and felt freaking tired at work. However, I still went for a jog to discharge the "lazy" energy within me, and surprisingly, I managed to complete the 7km route without dropping dead. I must thank God for keeping me healthy and safe all these times - I could have a heart attack while pushing myself when jogging; after all, I'm no longer as fit as I used to be.... Sigh, the side-effect of growing old..... :p

With each passing day, this blog seems to be an abandoned child... Oh well, I think I have idled enough, and it's about time I pull up my socks and enrich myself.

I have wasted half of this year doing almost nothing, and today, while I had tea with Ngee Kuan, I realized that I had been wasting myself away. It's not that he reprimanded me or whatsoever; it's just that life is more than rotting away.... Haha... :p

Anyway, since I couldn't do anything about my affection for Elena¹, I guess I have to look for some other things to concentrate on. Enriching myself should be a good choice.... :)

¹ From her observations, Francisca feels that Elena isn't prepared to enter into a relationship. I'll blog about this some other day....

If someone thinks that ending a relationship three days after it has started is an achievement, then what does that mean to a person who has been holding a torch for a year [or more] and nothing [positive] happens?

Needless to say, I fall in the latter camp, therefore effectively rendering myself an unconvincing person to comment on people who have the former camp's school of thoughts. I'm not implying that I'm an *authoritative* voice for the torch-holders, but I think my thoughts for this camp should at least more convincing.

Holding torches is not an easy thing to do. After all, it apparently requires more than physical attractions for a person to like another for a long time without any reciprocation. Therefore, not trying to defend myself, I think [long-term] torch-holders aren't "losers". In fact, I would like to suggest that [most] torch-holders truly understand giving is more important than receiving.

Hence, I urge whoever is reading this to continue to give your support to your torch-holding friends. Their journeys ain't a bed of roses; they'll need all the encouragements they can get.

And if you would, give me your encouragements too..... :)

I attended a "Effective Business Writing" course conducted by Barry Johnson on Tuesday, and I learnt a lot of things from him in the four days.

He taught us the different styles of writing letters, minutes and reports. He also taught us the importance of keeping our language simple. He said, "No one, no one will be able to understanding what you are writing if your fog index is above 11!"

He stressed that using difficult/bombastic words would not make a person appearing smarter. "Great man use simple words." In those four days, he corrected our grammar and style of writing, and I enjoyed his teachings greatly.

I would love to attend his classes again.

Harlow,

It has been a long time since our last conversation. How have you been? I noticed that you have been knocking off late frequently for the past few weeks, and I hope your stacking work-pile has diminished sizeably.

Well, I just thought of dropping you an email to let you know something that I believe you dimly are aware of. I longed to tell you that I like you very much. I'm a person who is lousy with words, especially when I'm with the person I adore. I guess you would have noticed how tongue-tied I was whenever I tried striking a conversation with you. I am never good in the "game" of courtship and I believe you should have sensed that too. Alas, I apologize for all the inconveniences/troubles I have unconsciously/indirectly caused all these times.

Actually, just a few days ago, I was agonized whether I should continue to hold the torch for you (despite that I have not been doing anything about this for a long time). I've prayed, but there wasn't any answer from Him. Then I asked myself: what is it about you that I like? Other than your smile, as well as the largely-inferred personality of yours, I couldn't find any other reasons. I asked myself again: why I should continue to adore you then?

"Why not?" was the answer that came swiftly to me. The answer wasn't "make-do with" in nature; far from it! I came to realize that I just adore you, simple as that. It's no longer just a feeling of chemistry that playing tricks (after all, I've been your "secret admirer" for the past one year) - a one-side love can only hold out for so long. Hence, I deduced that I adore you simply because I adore you as you are.

I hope you are still reading this, and if I have scared you, I sincerely apologize. You can have my promise that I won't intrude into your personal life/privacy. I just want to express my feelings for you 'cos I don't want to regret for not doing so (actually, I still have a little regret: I wished I could confess to you in person.)

I believe you will find your happiness in the man God is preparing for you. All the best and may His blessings shower onto you forever and ever.

God bless....

[Editor's note: An email I wished I could send to her. Haha, I'm just too much of a failure to do so.... Serves me right....]

OMG, I haven't been blogging for 4 days! Oh well, as if anyone cares... Anyway, this is a really "shocking" video posted in youtube....

I had lunch with Shaun today, and he broke the news that he has brought a friendship with a lady friend to the next level. Despite him repeatedly stating that they are only "trying out", I believe things will work out between them¹. And hence, his would be the second "announcement" I have received in the past one month.

Yesterday, XY asked me, paraphrased, "now that HL is attached, when would you be bringing your girlfriend to church?" Today, both Shaun and Leeanne unanimously were surprised that I "have not given up hope on Elena". Well, I told them "it takes time for me to let go," and that "it would not be fair to the next gal, as she might just be a substitute for Elena." Truly, I have to thank them for their well-intended concern, but I guess I'm just too dumb to comprehend what "quickly move on to the next potential" means. Whatever it is, I appreciate their patience with an unintelligent living organism all these time... :)

And for now, allow me to feed my ego for a second: today, praises for our performance came pouring in². Almost everyone who attended the dinner and dance expressed that they were impressed with our item and that they adored my drumming skills. There was even one lady, whom I have no idea who she is, said she recognized me as the drummer by my ponytail! Yes, I must admit I feel flattered whenever I hear these praises.

However, I'm waiting for a commendation that will never come from the lips I wish to hear from...

¹ And the best part is: I don't even know who she is. But that won't stop me from believing (and wishing them) things will work out between them!
² Actually, these praises came in on the dinner and dance evening itself. :p

Today is the first time that I was so formally dressed - blue long sleeve shirt, with a plain navy tie, complete with a navy blazer and a pair of matching pants. At first, I felt extremely uneasy wearing that, but due to the dress code indicated, I had no other choice but to attend my sector's dinner and dance in that.

The song our ad-hoc assembled band was to perform was scheduled as the second last item for the evening¹, and as the time drew nearer, I felt slightly disappointed. The reason? I thought Elena² has already left, since I couldn't see her anywhere, and her handbag was not on her seat. Yes, I was more eager to perform the piece³ with her presence, more than the presences of all others.

God was really kind to me; a minute before I had to go onto the stage, I saw Elena conversing happily with her colleague. With a warm, fuzzy feeling, I went up the stage, only to realize that her back was facing the stage! With the spotlight and all, I couldn't see whether she turned her back to watch the performance. Despite that, I was still grateful to God that she was around; and even if she didn't see me playing, I was indebted to God that He allowed me to play for her...

But I guess, that's the last time I could ever do it; she'll be a happier person when I don't intrude her private space...

¹ The last item was actually a "patriotic" song for the sector, and IMO, it was a total disaster - wrong key, wrong beat, and my gosh, croaking voices!
² Have I ever mentioned that she was gorgeous in her evening dress this evening?
³ Yes, I'm fully aware that I wasn't the focus for the song (the vocalist and the saxist were), but I still wanted to perform for her and her alone.

God has been very gracious to me, despite I keep letting Him down time and time again...

He has given me:

• The gift of making music as a percussionist,
• The wisdom to break problems into manageable bite-sizes,
• The patience to lend a listening ear to those who need it,
• A means to make a living,
• Family and friends who just accept me the way I am,
• A healthy body to do the things I enjoy, and
• Most importantly, His son to die for my transgressions.

Of course, He has also given me so much blessings in almost every other area of my life, and I sincerely give thanks to all that He has given me. I guess, for now, demanding Him to point me to the perfect love-life is too ungrateful a thing for me to do....

For now, I just want to indulge in His love....

I don't mean to keep posting video clips from youtube, but this is really neat!

What if Darth Vadar visits Japan?

My newfound favorite rock band from the Land of the Rising Sun.... :)

Oh yes, it occurred to me that:

1. The mass jogging event (JPMorgan run) was on a Wednesday,
2. It was its third run held locally, and
3. I clocked 33 minutes and 30 seconds for the 5.6km route.

Other than the zero in the 30 seconds, I had so many threes that day.... Perhaps, it's a hint for me to focus on the Trinity... :p

It was a freaking long day for me today. After handing over the working macro to John, I was astonished to be informed that the macro didn't match his requirements. "I wanted the macro to leave out unmodified issues and issuers from the list," said John. Hence, I spent the better half of the rest of the day re-implementing what he missed communicating to me the day before. Praise be to our living God! I completed the re-implementation just before the practice, with the reference He pointed me to before lunch.

And at around 9pm, with the other colleagues, Rayner and gang, we went to a studio and worked on the piece we are to perform during the sector's dinner and dance next Saturday. I don't know, but somehow I kept making silly mistakes, and somehow, I didn't seem to be able to convince them that the main vocalist should actually be the one setting and leading the tempo; the drummer (yup, that's me) is only supposed to maintain and change the tempo with reference to the lead's singing¹. Whatever the case is, I believe the other reason is because we haven't developed the tacit understanding yet. Perhaps, simply, I'm just plain lousy.

A good two hours of practice passed, and coupled with another 45 minutes required for traveling, I was totally drained by the time I reached home. The reason I'm still able to blog is because I have to wait for my mane to dry before turning in for the night.

Tomorrow's going to be another long, tiring day...

¹ After all, the musicians (not just the drummer) should not be the reason for holding back the lead vocalist when he/she decides to sing a little slower/faster for certain parts of the song.

One of the most oft-asked questions is: do I still like Elena? This evening's mass jogging event cemented my answer: yes, I still do...

Ever since that eventful day, I hardly try to catch a glimpse or two of her whenever I walk past her desk¹. I don't even mention her to any of my friends², or think of ways to court her; in a way, she kinda "disappear" from my life since that day. Although there were two or three times we bumped into each other³, I pretended⁴ not to have noticed her presence either by busying myself with my mobile phone, or by actively engaging a conversation with a fellow colleague.

Even though I may have recognized that my heart still lies with her, I guess I should still keep a distance from her. I guess that for now, that is the only thing I can do to let her feel more comfortable/happy... Lord, please continue to guide me in the journey of recovery ahead...

¹ The main reason why I still do walk past her desk is 'cos the waiting time for the lifts on the other side (as in her side) are shorter.
² Well, except when my friends asked how things are getting along, the only thing I would say about her is that "she seems to be disgusted by me."
³ Unintentionally, of course.
⁴ Hmmm, feigning ignorance is a BAD, BAD thing... In fact, I pretended I didn't realize her presence at all throughout today's mass jogging event... God, forgive me.....

As I was waiting for the betrayer to come for me, I could somehow feel His submission to God.

And while the soldiers were whipping and pushing me from behind, I could feel the heaviness of the cross He/I was carrying.

I could feel His pain when they nailed me to the cross.

I am grateful that He has died for my sins while I am still a sinner, and despite it was only a skit put up for the Sunday school children this Easter, I was ministered through and through by this simple play...

Lord, forgive me my transgressions, and make me whole again in You....

I have an impulse to love someone whom I have never met before; an impulse from the remnant of a dream I just had. I have no idea who that lady is - to have appeared in my sub-consciousness - and I could still vividly feel her kiss... But when the dream was over, I was left alone, facing the reality that love has never been kind to me...

Well, the "verdict" is out, and I'm trying my very best not to be affected by it....

During the lunch hours, I took a pack of pastries, walked over to her place, and intended to pass it to anyone in her cluster (absolutely no intentions of wanting to see her, or whatsoever.) Well, no big twist again, she was around, and thus, I just walked towards her desk and the following conversation ensued:

Me: Hey, here's some food for you all. My colleague has bought it on my behalf. (And I placed the pack on their coffee table.)
Elena: Oh, please take it back; we have enough food already. (And she quickly passed the pack back to me.)
Me: .... Well, pass it to Francisca for me then.
Elena: (Quite hostilely) No. You pass it to her yourself later.
Me: .... Pass the message to her that it's from me.
Elena: No...
Me: .... Never mind. (And I continued to place the pack on Francisca's desk) I'll drop her an email then... (Walked away.)

Lord, I know my world will crumble very, very soon. Please give me the strength to survive this catastrophe without affecting anyone around me. Give me the sensitivity to Your comforting arms, and the wisdom to accept that Your love is more than sufficient for me. In His precious name..........................

Well, in any case, the following account does not explain why I feeling better today....

Last night, feeling agonized due to my "depression," I went to my room after finishing my work. In total darkness, I could almost feel my world collapsing on me and felt like crying. Then, as I prayed to God, I could feel myself being wrapped in His loving arms. Albeit the comforting feeling wasn't that intense, I think it was enough for me to be comforted by Him. I prayed for submission and for wisdom, not for the purpose of "scoring points" with Elena, but for the intention to re-prioritize my priorities, that setting God as the center of my life should be at the top of my list, not second (well, guess anyone would know who the person is to have been sitting at the number one spot.) The turmoil was calmed, and I had one of the best "concussions" since... since I don't-know-when... (Anyway, I dreamt of Elena too, but this is not the focus of this entry....)

Rain bile on me if you want, but right after waking up this morning, I sprang immediately to the mode of taking-things-into-my-own-hands again, and attempted to devise plans on how I ought to communicate with her. Well, praise be to the Almighty, I could feel something (or rather someone) within me reminding me to "let go and leave things into His hands." That "alarm" lasted for quite some time and eventually, the stiff-necked me¹ did heed to that.

(Again, I must stress that the following account is not the reason why I'm feeling better today, and is not the focus of this entry.)

I reached the office quite early today (perhaps around five minutes past nine), so quite naturally, I didn't expect Elena to have already reported for work (surprisingly, my expectation to see her was declining fast as I was approaching her desk with each passing second.) Okay, not an entirely big twist, but she was at her desk (staring at the monitor, I think), and with a momentarily hesitation, I just walked up to her, and asked her how she is managing her cell group. (For a record, the conversation lasted no longer than the time required to cook instant noodles.) Then, I followed up with an email, shortly after the short (pun intended) exchange, asking her more questions, which (yes, to my surprise) she replied around an hour later. (For yet another record, I replied with yet another mail at around 2pm.)

(Again, I must stress that the account above is not the reason why I'm feeling better today, and is not the focus of this entry.)

So, what is the focus of this entry? The path is really easy when God is in charge. I have always been usurping the authority from God, foolishly believing either that I'm in charge, or I still have to put in the more effort even God is providing. Well, this morning's "incident" taught me a valuable lesson: trusting in God and striking the balance in the amount of effort to put in are very important. Yes, I trust that God will provide, since He delights in giving gifts² to His children. But man cannot just sit and wait for things to happen (or putting it in a more theological manner: man cannot just wait for God to do all the work); man must contribute to the work God is leading in order to paint the perfect picture. This lesson is evident in, and central to the theme of, the book of Nehemiah. My contribution is important, but letting Him determine how best to use it is of utmost importance.

Yes, I think the manner this lesson is delivered is kinda weird, but well, the important thing is: I'm learning an important lesson! No longer this lesson is understood by me through mere reading (i.e. head knowledge); I've learnt it through experience.... Rejoice!!!!

This is one lesson that is long overdue...... (as in I should have learnt it earlier!!!!!) But better late than never, right? ;)

¹ Yes, that's how I describe myself, since I think I am a rebellious child. If not, how do one explain why I'm still sinning? (Of course, I know that we are all saved by grace, and that despite that we are already saved, we still do sin.) Anyway, I "labeled" myself as stiff-neck 'cos I want to remind myself not to follow the footsteps of the rebellious Israelites back in the OT.
² Although God delights in giving gifts, the channel He gives His gifts is not always "easy-to-swallow" in nature. I believe that sometimes these gifts come in the form of mishaps, and the true nature of these gift is the lesson to learn from it. Emerging stronger in faith, and character is the best gift God gives. ;)

After yesterday's entry, I realized that my emotions have been going through yet another roller-coaster ride, not unlike those previous accounts.

Fair enough, since I admit that I'm an emotional creature, I guess my slip into "depression" must be due to "that biological day of the month" which is like "haunting" me "biologically" since day one...

So what the moral of the "story"? Recognize and acknowledge that I'm emotional, grit my teeth, hang on to it, and continue my kamikaze style in loving Elena...

Have been extremely busy last week, so much so that the earliest time I could rest my head was normally after 12-1am...

And last week was one of the most agonizing weeks I've ever been through... Work wasn't the only thing that kept me busy; affairs of the heart were torturing me too....

Well, as mentioned in the previous entry, I was advised to start the proper communication with Elena, which to my dismay, it didn't occur last week. I kept looking for the chance to do it, but either I was too caught up with my stacking work pile, or somehow she left earlier than usual.

"You know what? During one of those days while I stepped out of the office in my 'dazed mode', Elena tried getting my attention by waving her hands in my face when we dumped into each other in the lift. Then we chatted a bit before she left for her friend's place." Shaun told me, over lunch today.

That account from him dealt a severe blow in my heart, 'cos pessimistically, I believed I would never receive the same treatment Elena has given to him. Well, deep inside, I admit that I do hope she hasn't developed a liking for Shaun, and of course, Shaun hasn't developed one for her too (yes, I know I'm being very selfish here). But the blow geared more towards the side of "why-the-hell-am-I-not-talking-to-her"...

For one thing, I am the very person who wants to get closer to her, to know her, and to love her. But I, too, am the very person who seems to be the one standing between Elena and myself. If the "signs" God has given thus far is that she is the one, why the hell am I doing the very opposite thing?

I don't know, but I know deep inside, loving her with my all is the very thing I desire to do for the rest of my life. However, ironically, thoughts of giving up surface every now and then, lulling me to take the easiest path to resolve this "thorny issue". But I know, I know that I desire to spend the rest of her life with her. Why, then, is there two conflicting forces within me, tearing the vulnerable me apart? Are my past experiences in being rejected holding me back, convincing me to "play safe"? Damn it, but isn't "playing it safe" the surest way to rejection again?

Why do I keep thinking that "shielding her from as little pressure as possible" my best attempt in courting her? Yes, I know hard sell isn't going to do any good either, but is my "least-pressure-exerted" attempt actually my cowardice in disguise? I reckon my timidness is actually the truth, but damn it, why couldn't I just overcome my very own weakness that I know so well of?

I don't know... I really, really, really love her, and I don't want to regret for the rest of my life... God, I pray, not for more courage to be bestowed to me, but for the wisdom and determination to muster all courage You have already given me since the day You have knitted me in my mother's womb....

Pray for me, too, will you?

Eunice thinks that the path has been laid and I should start taking more concrete actions instead of continuing to admire Elena from afar. She suggested that I should ask Elena out for dinner, instead of lunch. She felt that everyone in her division would know Elena is lunching with me, which, in her opinion, might be a little pressurizing Elena. Dinner wouldn't be as stressful for Elena, since the time spent would be the time after knock off, and hence the chances of her division knowing would be minimal. Eunice suggested I should prepare the topic to talk about, and asking Elena about the managing of cell group would be a good one to start off with.

Francisca shares Eunice's views that I should be doing something more concrete, but she felt that asking Elena out for either lunch or dinner isn't appropriate for the time being. She feels that I ought to start proper communications with Elena, perhaps via email first, to build a proper friendship with her. Francisca agreed with Eunice that asking Elena about cell group management is a good topic to start off with.

I am truly grateful that God has pointed me to these two friends who are so supportive of me courting Elena. Almost everyone else thinks that I ought to give up and move on - even Leeanne thinks that I ought to "get over and done with"; but Eunice and Francisca are so supportive and they are even praying for me on this. (Okay, okay, Jasmine, Serling and Keng Kiat are supportive too).

I really hope that things will turn out well between Elena and me... God, if You will, can I ask for yet another sign, Gideon style? :p

Received a wedding invitation this morning. I think this is the funniest one I've received thus far. Nope, the core of the invitation content isn't funny. The hilarious portion lies at the end of the invitation. It says:

Your well wishes are most coveted by the merry couple
But above that, if you desire to give gifts
Cash gifts will be appreciated.

Hahaha....

I've been "reprimanded" again today...

Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment to disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him...

As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something is unclean, then for him it is unclean. If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died. Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken as evil....

So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin. Rom 14:1-3, 14-16, 22-23

Well, reprimand is too strong a word.. haha... But nonetheless, I was told I wasn't sensitive to the people when I "corrected" them their views on Christian living (just read through my previous takes to "anger" yourself). Well, I was told that I was fortunate to be attending a church that teaches doctrines true to the Bible, and that I should really cherish these treasures I have gathered thus far. Even though I may have the "more correct" view of the Bible, that doesn't mean I can go around "correcting" people. I must stress that I don't "correct" people as a way to feed my ego; in fact, I'm usually furious that people are kind of "legalizing" the Bible unnecessarily and quoting verses out of context. I thought my "corrections" could "liberate" them from the "wrong" views they are holding close to their hearts for years.

And from the "reprimand" today (and actually a similar reprimand happened a couple of weeks ago), I realized that I have taken a "wrong" approach in expressing my "good" intentions. I'm not sensitive to these fellow brothers- and sisters-in-Christ. I'm not saying that I'm stronger in faith; just that, as Paul have said, what I do and/or say, I shouldn't cause another to stumble. I guess I just have to watch my mouth closer next time (although that would bring up another question: how do I watch my mouth when my eyes are located above it?)

Have been very busy these days, from trying to complete the development of an application to testing a margin trading system, I barely have enough time to complete the stacking pile of work....

Received the following email from her today....

Hi,

Thanks for the gift. Appreciate your kind thoughts, but really not necessary to go to such expense in future. May you be blessed in return for your generosity.

Best regards,
Elena

And needless to say, I'm very, very, very (multiply infinity) happy today.... :D

Well, almost everyone was like reprimanding me why the hell I didn't give the chocolates to Elena directly. "That's so insincere of you!" is one of the typical "bile" I received... Sigh....

Anyway, I do felt the whole incident does have a scent of sneakiness in it, but hey, she doesn't know when the chocolates were placed on her desk (most likely she'll think I went in earlier than she did and I left the chocolates on her desk in the morning... Haha... I do hope she'll like the chocolates... And that she isn't put off by my actions thus far....

Ever since the beginning of this month, after the barbecue pork slice incident, I have been thinking about Valentines'. Well, as mentioned in the previous entry, I'm not expecting to celebrate the V day this year. So what exactly have I been thinking about Valentines'?

Needless to say, I have been thinking whether I should get anything for Elena. I shared my original intention with Serling, Keng Kiat, Shaun and Jennifer - that is, in order not to pressure Elena, I won't be doing anything. But, as the big V draws nearer, I was beginning to have second thoughts, and hence, decided to consult Francisca. After all, I think it would be best not to do anything - thus no pressure given to her - but since she already know that I'm holding a torch for her, not doing anything doesn't seem right....

Francisca, in her usual patient manner, advised me to just buy something small for Elena - a card and a rose. She said that since Elena already know my feelings, buying something small won't hurt anything, and the gift would send her the signals that I'm still holding a torch for her, which all in all, is a good thing. Her words struck me to the core, and somehow I felt a thorny issue that has been bothering me is resolved instantly. But if I were to buy a rose, I would have to buy it today, bring it home, put it in the fridge, and take it to the office tomorrow morning, 'cos the florist won't be opening that early, and it is best not to give her anything in the presence of her colleagues (or she'll be embarrassed.) So I called Kailin immediately, asked for shops with good chocolates, and hit off immediately to buy them.

"Sir, looking for Valentines' gift? Would you like to have this box set?" the salesgirl asked.

"Oh, okay. Can I have dark and milk chocolates of any shapes except the heart shape?"

"...."

And immediately after paying, I went to purchase a card, went back to the office, and wrote "Elena, Happy Valentines'!" on the card, and left the gift on her desk....

Hmmm.... somehow, I felt so sneaky about the whole thing, but ultimately, I still feel glad to have bought her something.... :)

Exactly one year ago, I blogged about my "most hated day of the year".

Well, since the beginning of the year (or should I say, since the last), I'm not expecting myself to "celebrate" this commercialized day. However, I was that optimistic enough to declare that this year would be my last year spending this "highly consumeristic day." Haha, talk about foolhardiness at work….

Anyway, I read an article recently on how people have became more and more pragmatic in this game of love. "What? Valentines' Day is the day businessmen laugh their way to the bank! No, we don't celebrate Valentines'," and "Why must we celebrate our love only on Valentines'? We can do it everyday!" are common responses from most people (according to the article and my observations thus far). While there is certainly have a ring of truth, I'm beginning to see the pragmatism in these views. Just a quick survey, how many of these practical people celebrate their love everyday? Or to be fair, how many of them celebrate their love on days other than Valentines'? I'm definitely not a statistics collection person, but I believe the answer would be "not many."

Am I advocating that people should jump into the "traps" laid by the greedy businessmen? In a way, yes. To me, I think it's kind of impractical to celebrate your love everyday, 'cos I think excessive celebration would sort of "cheapen" the love a couple has for each other. Celebration should be made in moderation. I'm sure no matter how deep the love between two persons is, receiving a bouquet of flowers everyday won't achieve the same effects of receiving a bouquet one in a while. Yes, there are definitely other days to celebrate the love, say on the anniversaries (such as the first date, first kiss, and definitely wedding), but if the couples are the forgetful type (especially the men!), I see that there's nothing wrong in riding the "consumerism wave" and automatically be reminded every year.

To the singles like myself, there isn't a need act aloof (admittedly, I used to do that), and be "sore" about this. After all, deep inside, I admit I do want to spend Valentines' with the person I love. But for now, I don't even have the option to choose between celebrating and not.

Today's one of the days that my pessimism got the better of me. I was wondering whether I would ever be with Elena. Given how slowly things have progressed, I thought of giving up, and perhaps just "grab" anyone on the streets and settle down, well, for the sake of settling down. Nope, it's not that feelings for Elena has ebbed; it's just that, well, I've never been confident in the "game" of courtship, and I'm just plain afraid that rejection will give me a punch in my face yet again. I don't know, but somehow, I felt that this time, despite nothing (as in relationship) has ever started, I have given too much - in terms of my focus and commitment - and I'm afraid I would do the unimaginable when things don't work out... Yes, I can be a very emotional creature, and there are times, I would lose my head due to the unbalanced hormones.... I'm beginning to feel that I can't leave without her.... And that, I think at least for now, is a very bad sign....

Tomorrow is the last day of the week (as in working day of the week), and I'm not very happy about it....

Anyway, I've prayed about my relationship with Elena. Although I'm not too sure, God seemed to have answered my question "Is she the one?"... His answer seems to be "Yes, she is the one, but the time is not ripe yet."

Well, if that were really to be His answer, I guess I could only try to improve myself during this period.... And it seems like taking up cooking lessons is one of the things I ought to do... Other than my recent contemplation on whether I should take up cooking, Mum asked me when I would be cooking for her so she could take a break from cooking.... Hmmmm.... Is God telling me that through my Mum too????

[Disclaimer: This entry is about my take and interpretation on Christian living. If you are the type who think that Christians who don't live by your standards (or more accurately, your take on Christian living), please stop reading any further; otherwise, you might end up burning in anger, and think that I’m the black sheep among Christians. You have been warned!]

If you have skipped the disclaimer, please, please do me a favor by reading that carefully again before proceeding.

I’m not being judgmental or critical¹, and definitely not trying to appear morally upright or holy. For a record, I'm definitely not a very morally upright or holy person; I readily accept that I’m flawed.

First, answer the following 3 questions:

1. Can Christians gamble?
2. Can Christians drink (as in alcohol)?
3. Can Christians lie?

I believe most would have answers similar to the following:

1. No.
2. Yes, but in moderation.
3. No, it is stated in the Ten Commandments.

Well, I beg to differ. (Please read the disclaimer again if you are starting to flame.)

On the question of gambling, why is it that most people (non-Christians included) think that Christians cannot gamble? Where in the Bible is it stated? Yes, gambling can lead to addiction, but that would only happen when excessive gambling is involved. Similar to drinking, I think that gambling in moderation is permissible and as long as it’s done in the context of having some small fun with family and friends. Of course, for those who think that they cannot moderate their gambling, please, please, by all means, stay away from gambling.

As for the issue on lying², my take is: it’s not very right for a Christian to lie, but there are times lying is condoned.

Suppose we are in the situation that we could maintain peace by telling a white lie (e.g. telling a white lie to prevent a family from breaking apart), are Christians permissible to lie? Yes, I know some times telling the truth would be better, but what if the chaos can only be calmed by a lie? Remembering that half-truths are lies too, I would choose to lie to maintain the peace. Am I having a double standard in handling things? Nope, I don’t think so, ‘cos I think Christians are sinners, too, and there are times that we have to choose between the lesser of two evils to make this world a better place to live in.

No doubt the Ten Commandments are given by God, but I believe that God would understand that we would frequently³ break the "Laws". The "Laws" do not give life; grace does. We shouldn’t interpret the "Laws" based on the face values; the essences of the "Laws", as distilled by Jesus, are:

1. To love God with our hearts, and
2. To love our neighbors as ourselves.

¹ I will blog on that some other day.
² Not telling the whole truth (i.e. half-truths) are considered as lying too. For example, a child could tell his mother that he is going to school. But he leaves out the part that he's going there to meet his friends to play basketball. The mother would have happily assumed that her son is going to school to study.
³ In my opinion, whoever says that he/she rarely sins is a liar.

Somehow, the words "How willing are you in cooperating with God?" hit me today.

I pondered quite some time over those words and it dawned to me that those are simply another way of expressing "Respond willing to His love", but perhaps in a more concrete manner (although the reason – His love – is lost).

Yes, we know we should respond willing to His love, but very often, when the world starts tempting, we would somehow gravitate to our desires/insecurities and forget all about God, no matter how momentarily it would be. Yes, those of us with stronger faith would ultimately still choose to listen to God and not the world, but before that happens, as mentioned, I'm sure the desires/insecurities would take over the mind (and perhaps heart) for a few seconds when faced with temptations.

But it's strange that although we normally won't even think about cooperating with our "enemies", we would consider cooperating with the world when the enemy of God tempts us. Is it because the enemy is invisible? Could be, but the actions that accompanies the cooperation with him are not. So why is it that most of us would happily cooperate with the enemy, only to regret after the unspeakable is done?

I don't really know how to approach this scorching problem. I can only hope God will teach me how...

Went to the sector head's house today, for a festive dinner... Well, since it was a political dinner, I had no choice but to attend... Luckily, since Fiona and John wanted to leave early, I quickly excused myself once the dinner was over and went off with them.... One of the good reasons for not owning a car... ;)

N.B.: John gave us a ride to the sector head's home, and back too...!

Went to the doctor's this evening, and was prescribed Famotidine and Motilium tabs 'cos he said I'm suffering from Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease. He told me that although it is primarily a gastric disease, it could also affect the bowels and hence cause excessive bowel movements (thus explaining my diarrhea)....

Well, looks like I would have to rest more over the weekend.... But one thought did occur to me: is this disease actually a symptom to my love-sickness? :p

I was truly astonished to see Elena today (and nope, we didn't bump into each; I just saw her at her desk, alone, having noodles for lunch). The reason being: she was so out-of-this-world beautiful (sorry, her beauty today is, again, indescribable.) She was in this long white sleeve shirt, and even though I didn't know what the color of her skirt was, she looked so, so classy (again, a description that's not even 100 times near).... At that moment in time, I knew one thing for sure: I could just survive by gazing at her... Soon, soon she will be as important to me as oxygen is..... ;)

One of the reasons why I have not been blogging the last few days is: I'm suffering from a terrible diarrhea. If I recall correctly, it started last Friday, though the situation back then was quite mild and I simply brushed it aside. But since Saturday, I think I must have taken quite a bit of junk food, and at yesterday's noon, I finally couldn't take it anymore, and puked. Yup, I think I did appeared normal to all the people around me prior yesterday (I don't think Serling and Keng Kiat noticed that I was kinda unwell when I met them on Monday). Anyway, as the clinics were all closed yesterday, I could only endure through the entire suffering by sleeping through the day (spending a good 18 - 20 hours on the bed). Well, what you reap is what you have sowed: I'm suffering from a terrible headache now, due to an overdose of sleep yesterday. And yup, the doctor has prescribed me some medications, and I'm on medical leave today.... Sigh..... this translates to 6 consecutive days of not seeing Elena...... Talk about being sick - physically sick and love sick....... sigh.....

Almost throughout the entire journey home, I was grinning like an idiot, and even at one point in time, I nearly shed a tear due to my uncontainable happiness.... Reason being? Well, the most beautiful woman in the galaxy just shook my hand!!!!!!

As I was taking the usual way home, I stopped by Francisca's desk and wished her happy new year. Then I turned to Elena (she sits beside Francisca) and she actually stood up, extended her hand and shook mine, wishing me happy new year too...... Oh my gosh, no matter how hard you try, you really, really wouldn't be able to imagine the joy I had at that moment.... She was so, so, so proactive...... What a magical moment..... :D

Yes, I'm fully aware that I may be reading too much into this, but for the time being, just let me be.... I'm hopelessly in love with her.....

At times, I surprise even myself when it comes to my affections for someone (and at this point in time, she's Elena), especially that I could really love the person without reserves... Yah, many have reprimanded me for being so idealistic, fantasizing on a relationship that hasn't even begun; a small number feel that whoever the gal to have chosen me would be very fortunate and blessed.

Well, to me, however the world feels, I just want to love and give her the best I could.... I can't promise she will be the happiest woman, but I will try to... Elena is the world to me... I don't just love her - I love her very, very much, with all my heart and soul.... I just couldn't wait to proclaim my love to her!!!!!

Elena, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mushy.....]

If you have always wondered why Dragostea Din Tei became so popular across the globe last year, look no further: the wildly popular Numa Numa Dance Video Clip! (And if you can understand a bit of Japanese, you might also want to check the very first parody in flash!)

Today's the first time that she didn't pretend not to see me (at all) when we bumped into each other along the corridor while she was making her way back to her desk and I making my way home. Instead, we were looking at each other (in the eyes, no less!), and we said bye to each other simultaneously! Oh my gosh! Can I read this as a sign that she's opening up to me? Well, I'm not interpreting what happened today as something like "Oh, she's finally falling for me" or whatsoever; I'm simply interpreting that she's beginning to accept me as a fellow colleague and friend! Yes! Yes! Yes!!!!!!!!

Thanks a lot, Father.... :)

"Hi, this is for you and your colleagues."

"Hi, this is for you and your colleagues."

"Hi, this is for you and your colleagues."

....

I repeated that for umpteen times as I exited the lift, making my way towards her desk. Other than that, I was also worried she wouldn't be in today...

"Hi...." I was a bit stumped when I saw her already at her desk. She turned and looked at my direction. Too bad I couldn't; otherwise I would freeze the time and look at the most beautiful woman ever to grace my life....

I took out the sliced pork, placing at the coffee table at the center of her cubicle and said "... This is for you... and your colleagues." Yes! I managed expressed exactly what I've rehearsed.

"Oh.. Thanks..."

And I just smiled in reply...

But as I took my leave, I was very, very surprised when she asked "This is for me and my team?"

"Yes, it's for you and your team..."

"Thanks!"

With which I smiled again, but this time, I believed, more radiantly. After all, although her question seemed redundant to anyone else, that question made my heart fluttered; it was the first time she is proactively communicating with me!

In fact, no matter whether she proactively asked me a question, I have already made up my mind: at this point in time, I'm sure that I want nobody else but Elena to spend the eternity with....

I can't believe I actually did this today: I queued up to purchase barbecue sliced pork for a good freaking five hours!

Right after service, and after settling all the things I had to, I went to Chinatown to purchase the famed sliced pork. The queue didn't seem to be that long, and I thought I would at most spend an hour or so queuing, so I joined the queue. The agony of the wait was eased when I whipped out my PSP and started playing Lumines. By the time I finished my second game, I "discovered" that two hours had passed! Oh my gosh! Not wanting to make my wait a wasted one, I gritted my teeth and continued queuing. It was only after an agonizing five hours' worth of waiting did I finally bought what I set out to.

And why the hell am I doing this - queuing up for sliced pork when I don't normally queue for food? Well, I did it 'cos I wanted to give Elena a pack tomorrow when I see her.... ;)

Finally, the discussions with the vendor has ended, although I personally felt that the timeline my users and the IT division has given is *bloody* unrealistic! To give the first batch of deliverables by April and the last by end June this year! I have no idea what was going through their mind, but the enhancements and customizations required are so freaking many, both Fiona (my superior) and I think that the IT division would sloppily perform the unit and regression tests, ending up having us doing the proper testing for them! Somehow, we felt that the IT people were trying to look good in front of their bosses, and make the users the victims of their schemes......

And nope, workload is not going to lessen in anytime sooner; in fact, I could already foresee myself buried 6 feet under, resting unpeacefully.....

Discovered a super scary thing today.... I had not idea I left so much "bread crumbs" on the internet! I googled my name, and discovered that I've actually posted quite a number of things on the net, but to the horrors of my horror, Google actually somehow is able to associate my name to this blog!!! (well, come to think of it, this blog is mine.....)

I couldn't imagine myself sitting through an entire discussion and at the end of it, I walked away with nothing gained. What the hell is margining? Okay, actually I do know what that is; but all that I know is what Investopedia has explained. But the discussion quickly delved deeper than what a common person might know, and I was lost in no time as they "rattled" away, as if everyone in the room understood the topic. Fair enough, the purpose of the discussion with the vendor was to clarify and work out a solution that is comfortable for the bank, the dealers and the customers, so I guess I cannot expect them to educate a beginner in margining like myself.... It's no wonder that, during the discussion, I was struggling to stay awake at one point in time, played two games of Freecell, and, best of all, composed this entry... :p

Today was such a bloody busy day.... Everyone was so surprised to see me reporting to work so much earlier than usual, and they thought they ought to buy the lottery for such a rare occasion... Well, I had to be early (and missed seeing Elena) 'cos I had to do some preparation work for the discussion sessions with the vendor... That's not all! I could only have my lunch hastily at 2:20pm, 'cos the morning's discussion session ended very late, and again, I had to prepare the room for the noon's session.... Even the noon session dragged till 8pm before we called it a day.... And today's only the first of the five days discussion schedule.... Help!!!!!!

I like today's sermon a lot 'cos the Reverend told us that despite all these years, we are repeating the very thing Adam and Eve have done to God - betraying Him. It truly is a revelation to read Genesis with that perspective.... But I am still betraying God till this very day.... God loves me, but He detest the sins I have committed against Him..... God... Forgive my transgressions....

Other than going through 2 lessons on Photoshop CS2, I have wasted the entire day on the internet... Arrgghh.....

I had lunched with Francisca today, and she seemed to be quite concerned with my "obsession" with Elena.

She kept telling me to pray about it, and advised me to start off with Elena as friends. Yah, I know I cannot possibly skip the friendship stage, but having "expressed" my affection to her, it would be difficult to build a friendship since she would most likely "be on her guard". Francisca told me it could also be advantageous to me since I have laid out my cards.

I even told Francisca how I couldn't get past myself to ask her to help. To my surprise, she agreed and told me that since my cards are laid, the balance is intricate and any input from anybody could destroy whatever good that might be brewing. I was kinda relieved to hear her say that....

So that leaves the only option I have left - pray and continue to hold a torch for her... One day, one day God will tell me the answer...

I'm beginning to feel the weariness of an unrequited love... It is always difficult to keep on giving under such circumstances.... I think I'll just hand this over to God, be recharged, and start the second round (of course, on the basis that He gives the go-ahead...)

I'm getting weirder with each passing day.... Today, I was overwhelmed by the endless and still piling workload, and yet I didn't feel stressed. Overwhelmed but not stressed? In fact, I think I'm either already numbed or just simply taking things easy....

Didn't do much today, except for going through the lessons in Adobe Photoshop CS2: Classroom in a Book... Other than that, I have also given some thoughts on the comments in the previous entry... I'll arrange the pieces together and put that in the blog some time later this week... :)

Actually, despite my "crazy" proclamation yesterday, I have been wondering whether I'm overly obsessed with Elena.

I'm not attempting to address my obsession with her, make a quick exit and get involved with someone else. I still like her now, and for a foreseeable future (which I hope will turn into eternity), but my obsession seemed to be making a turn to the unhealthy level...

I believe this is not about Elena; just happen that she is the one I like now. Thus, I could only conclude that there is something wrong with me. But what is wrong?

The fear of loneliness? It couldn't be the case, since I could actually enjoy being alone... Going to the movies, (the occasional) shopping.... Solitude, if it ever were to be the reason, would only play a small part to "what's wrong"...

Pressure from parents? Can't be too, since other than the infrequent probing from my parents, I don't really receive much pressure...

Envy of friends getting married? Could be, since every time I would secretly wish I am the one making those vows to my loved one... But on second thought, most of the time I would echo my wish out loud to my peers for the purpose of self-mockery. But it could be a reason....

The desire to be loved? Hmmm..... Could be this too, since always being the one to love can be quite tiring.... (However, I'm grateful to God that He has given me a heart to love, instead of being on the other end (the selfish end) of the spectrum - always wanting to be loved. Of course, I have channeled some of my love to the children in church - always playing with them, guiding them...)

Or perhaps, there is nothing wrong with me! Perhaps, the only issue is: I'm focusing too much on loving someone, expending all my energy and thoughts on someone (at this moment in time, Elena). Yah, there is nothing wrong in loving someone; I may just have to moderate the focus given, to tip the balance back to equilibrium.... :)

Call me crazy, but I suddenly realized that I can't lose Elena.... She is "my precious".....

N.B: Just an entry to record my feelings...

Today's my first in 2006 that echoed Murphy's (in)famous law - Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

This morning, I took a lift from one of my cell members to church, and when we were just outside the church premise, Mae called and asked whether I could stand-in for Joshua who was still stuck at the train station. I readily agreed, and played the drums during worship.

After the service, I went to the office, photocopied the Sunday school materials, went to the classroom and made the necessary preparations for the class. I was quite happy to have the children being so receptive to a total stranger like myself (today was the first time I met them). I'm also very grateful that, unlike the previous batch I taught, these new students were far more attentive and obedient.

When the class ended, I bumped into Kailin outside the church kitchen, and since it was somewhat along the way, I accompanied her to the train station. When we left the church premise, it was drizzling; but as we were nearing the station, the rain grew heavier. We parted our ways, and I continued to walk under the shelter, making my way to the place(s) I wanted to go to.

Cats and dogs started to grow in numbers, so I started to worry. There were quite a number of places where I had to cover are unsheltered, so I started to contemplate whether I ought to take the public transport. At this moment, I passed by a shop selling barbecue sliced pork, and after a few minutes of hesitations, I joined the (relatively) short queue to buy some back for my parents.

Then things started to go horrendously wrong. As I was fishing out my phone to call my mum, I discovered that my wallet wasn't in my backpack! Panic struck me, and I had no choice but to leave the queue. I dug my backpack, searching for it, but ended in futility. Then, I noticed I had quite a number of missed calls, and the ones calling me were Uncle Jeffrey and Uncle Kim. I called Uncle Jeff.

"Hey, lost your wallet? You dropped it in Uncle Kim's vehicle this morning. It's with him now. Call him."

Apparently, I didn't zip the pocket after answering Mae's call, causing it to drop.

"Thanks!" and immediately, I called Uncle Kim, but no one answered. I called several times, but still no answer.

Feeling helpless (all my means of getting home are in that wallet!), I continued to make my way towards my destination, hoping deep inside that I could reach Uncle Kim soon to get my wallet back, run the errands, and go home.

Full scale invasion by the cats and dogs happened, but I was already stuck in the middle of nowhere, and shelter became a scarce commodity. It was nearly a decade ago I was this dripping wet, but the animals remained merciless.

Then (finally!) Uncle Kim called, and he agreed to return my wallet at the shopping mall I was heading to. Great! That added some warmth to the shivering me, and soon after, my wallet was back to its owner.

Armed with the ability to spend, I went to pre-pay my internet bills, and headed off to give my growling tummy the much needed food. Soon after, I headed off to Cold Storage, and it was there I discovered my phone was missing! Arrgghh.....!!!! After a good 20 to 30 minutes of hunting around, I finally found it in the ISP outlet.

Being grateful to God for His grace, and feeling a little paranoid, I quickly finished the errands and headed straight home; all done with a constant checking done to ensure my wallet and phone were with me at all times....

I just love staying at home on rainy days!

This morning, when I woke up, I suddenly had this little desire to see Elena (and I don't mean just taking a small peep at her when I walk past her desk). I was kinda like missing her (despite seeing her almost everyday).

Fast forward the time a little bit. As I was making my way from the train station to the office after a long 45 minutes' commuting, I saw a familiar figure, with a familiar brown bag, overtaking me (side note: I don't normally walk very fast unless I'm super late; I was only slightly late this morning). It's Elena! I was thrilled! God actually fulfilled my little wish!

Since I was walking slower, I didn't expect to bump into her at the lobby. However, we did, even though there were quite a lot of people waiting for the lifts. When I saw her, she was conversing with her fellow colleague, Janet (I think that's her name). Call me a sucker for "cheap thrills" - when the lift came, people shuffled into the lift, being the last to enter, I was feeling happy to be standing right in front of Elena! (That wasn't done on purpose; it was the only possible place for me to stand.)

In just one morning, God showered me with so many "gifts"....

It's only the fourth working day of the year, and I'm already feeling overwhelmed with my workload... Perhaps, my unfamiliarity with fx margin trading contributes to the feeling, but I think my forgetfulness is one of the main culprits...

In order to help myself to cope with all these (3 projects on-hand, plus all the ad-hoc jobs I'm dumped with), I've decided to revisit the solution I've experimented a year ago: document all my work using a wiki. Hope that I could share my experience for those who require a flexible and easy to use documentation tool in their work... And nope, wikis are not just a toy for programmers/software developers.... ;)

I became interested with that solution after reading an article, Design by Wiki, while I was dissecting a legacy macro which I've inherited from Clement, my previous superior. The main reason for the dissection was due to the errors reported by my other colleagues, and fixes were required. I liked the way the wiki aided me in my documentation, since I could hyperlink the relevant sections easily, allowing myself to quickly retrieve the information I wanted. I know that keeping all the relevant documents in one folder could also achieve the "under-one-roof" effect, but it would still require my failing memory to remember where that particular piece of information is and how all the documents are related to one another. With a wiki, even though I may have forgotten where that darn piece of information may be, I could just retrieve a page where I think that information might be; even if that information is not in that page, the correct source would most likely be just one click away from that page! Freaking convenient, ya?

With so many different wiki engines available, I eventually chose the PmWiki for my work, cos it has one very compelling feature - the ability to group/categorize related pages. Coupled with its super easy to use interface, it's really a no-brainer choice... ;)

Just to share my crappy out-of-office message (from last year).... (And yes, since it was done when my creative juice was at its fullest, countless syntax errors abound in the message itself....)

---

I'll be out of the office from 1-Dec-2005 till 7-Dec-2005 (yes, I'm clearing my block leave.)

During this period:

For matters relating to the XXX Upgrade Project, please contact my superior, Fiona, @YYYYYYYY.

For matters relating to the ZZZ, you must be nobody else but Ivy or Lu Meng, so please contact Jennifer Lim.

If you don't fall under any of the previous 2 groups of people, then most likely you are:

1. My parents... No, wait! My parents don't send emails to me.
2. My girlfriend..... wait, I don't have a girlfriend yet!
3. My superior, Fiona. I've brought work home and am diligently working on them at home too.... Honest!
4. A fellow colleague from Settlements, sending me all the daily deals. Rest assured that Jennifer Lim and Vincent Chua would also have received your files, and in a couple of days, you will receive a "mail unsent" failure message cos my mailbox would be full by then.
5. A fellow colleague, informing me of the jogging session this week. Sorry, but right now, I think I might still be slogging in the children's camp, giving me the workout more intense than anything else.
6. A fellow colleague, sending mass internal notification/circulation, which I will try to read and pass those non-confidential info to my girlfriend after reading.
7. A friend, forwarding emails to me (most likely non-work related). Don't worry, just keep those mails coming.
8. A friend, requesting help from me. I'll try to get back to you, although I believe by then, either your problem has already been solved, or your superior is already breathing fire down your neck and you couldn't send me anymore emails.
9. A fellow brother- or sister-in-Christ, sending me your prayer request. I'm sorry that I couldn't pray for you, although be assured that I would love to when I'm aware of it.
10. A friend, asking me out for lunch/dinner. Most likely you would either be Sharon, Wan Lee, Leeanne, or Francisca (although I also hope you would be "my 'the one'"). Thanks for asking, and I'll try to rearrange and meet you once I'm back.
11. A spammer, sending an email to, what else, spam my mailbox. Please note that this email account is not monitored, so noone is going to read your spam anyway. Save yourself the trouble and remove this email address from your spam list.
12. Myself, sending emails to make my mailbox full, thus creating the illusion that people love to correspond with me.
    

Otherwise, if you are none of the above, you have reached the wrong party, although it would take a very remote chance for it to happen in the first place.

Thanks and have a blessed day ahead. (And thanks for reading all these "crap"... haha....)

Disclaimer: All the points stated above do not reflect the Company's opinions, nor do they constitute mine.

---

Now, the problem is: would I be able to outdo myself again? Hmmm.......

Talk about a good start for the year...

On the first day of the year, I was late for church...

On the first working day of the year, I overslept and was late for work (then again, I'm rarely punctual)...

On the first day of the year, I broke the snare drum stand...

On the first working day of the year, the room I'd booked for a discussion was "hostilely" taken over by the sector head....

Good start? You bet.... She was so lovely in pink.... ;)

Unbelievably, I spent nearly 6 hours playing DragonQuest VIII today.... And yup, with that amount of time clocked, what social life is there for me to talk about? Anyway, after a freaking long weekend, and staring only at her photograph, I will finally see her again tomorrow!! ;)

Incredibly, there are people who are actually interested in my new year resolutions... Well, maybe I should state the context that it was just a chit-chat session over lunch, and maybe that was why they were patiently listening to my resolutions for a brand new year.

This morning, as I made my way to the church today, somehow I felt the day was kind of different... Perhaps it was just a psychological thing... No matter the case, I just felt it was different, a feeling that I couldn't recall the time I last felt that way....

But one thing that's kinda sad today is: I almost slept through the whole day! Well, it isn't really that a sad thing, 'cos after all, my body received the rest it richly deserves.... Just that I felt I could do more things instead of napping my way throughout noontime.... Well, resting is equally important, ya?

Still have to endure one more day before I see her.... I'm beginning to believe that all these short, virtual "separations" exist only to make my heart fonder.... Haha.... :p