Oh yes, it occurred to me that:

1. The mass jogging event (JPMorgan run) was on a Wednesday,
2. It was its third run held locally, and
3. I clocked 33 minutes and 30 seconds for the 5.6km route.

Other than the zero in the 30 seconds, I had so many threes that day.... Perhaps, it's a hint for me to focus on the Trinity... :p

It was a freaking long day for me today. After handing over the working macro to John, I was astonished to be informed that the macro didn't match his requirements. "I wanted the macro to leave out unmodified issues and issuers from the list," said John. Hence, I spent the better half of the rest of the day re-implementing what he missed communicating to me the day before. Praise be to our living God! I completed the re-implementation just before the practice, with the reference He pointed me to before lunch.

And at around 9pm, with the other colleagues, Rayner and gang, we went to a studio and worked on the piece we are to perform during the sector's dinner and dance next Saturday. I don't know, but somehow I kept making silly mistakes, and somehow, I didn't seem to be able to convince them that the main vocalist should actually be the one setting and leading the tempo; the drummer (yup, that's me) is only supposed to maintain and change the tempo with reference to the lead's singing¹. Whatever the case is, I believe the other reason is because we haven't developed the tacit understanding yet. Perhaps, simply, I'm just plain lousy.

A good two hours of practice passed, and coupled with another 45 minutes required for traveling, I was totally drained by the time I reached home. The reason I'm still able to blog is because I have to wait for my mane to dry before turning in for the night.

Tomorrow's going to be another long, tiring day...

¹ After all, the musicians (not just the drummer) should not be the reason for holding back the lead vocalist when he/she decides to sing a little slower/faster for certain parts of the song.

One of the most oft-asked questions is: do I still like Elena? This evening's mass jogging event cemented my answer: yes, I still do...

Ever since that eventful day, I hardly try to catch a glimpse or two of her whenever I walk past her desk¹. I don't even mention her to any of my friends², or think of ways to court her; in a way, she kinda "disappear" from my life since that day. Although there were two or three times we bumped into each other³, I pretended⁴ not to have noticed her presence either by busying myself with my mobile phone, or by actively engaging a conversation with a fellow colleague.

Even though I may have recognized that my heart still lies with her, I guess I should still keep a distance from her. I guess that for now, that is the only thing I can do to let her feel more comfortable/happy... Lord, please continue to guide me in the journey of recovery ahead...

¹ The main reason why I still do walk past her desk is 'cos the waiting time for the lifts on the other side (as in her side) are shorter.
² Well, except when my friends asked how things are getting along, the only thing I would say about her is that "she seems to be disgusted by me."
³ Unintentionally, of course.
⁴ Hmmm, feigning ignorance is a BAD, BAD thing... In fact, I pretended I didn't realize her presence at all throughout today's mass jogging event... God, forgive me.....

As I was waiting for the betrayer to come for me, I could somehow feel His submission to God.

And while the soldiers were whipping and pushing me from behind, I could feel the heaviness of the cross He/I was carrying.

I could feel His pain when they nailed me to the cross.

I am grateful that He has died for my sins while I am still a sinner, and despite it was only a skit put up for the Sunday school children this Easter, I was ministered through and through by this simple play...

Lord, forgive me my transgressions, and make me whole again in You....

I have an impulse to love someone whom I have never met before; an impulse from the remnant of a dream I just had. I have no idea who that lady is - to have appeared in my sub-consciousness - and I could still vividly feel her kiss... But when the dream was over, I was left alone, facing the reality that love has never been kind to me...

Well, the "verdict" is out, and I'm trying my very best not to be affected by it....

During the lunch hours, I took a pack of pastries, walked over to her place, and intended to pass it to anyone in her cluster (absolutely no intentions of wanting to see her, or whatsoever.) Well, no big twist again, she was around, and thus, I just walked towards her desk and the following conversation ensued:

Me: Hey, here's some food for you all. My colleague has bought it on my behalf. (And I placed the pack on their coffee table.)
Elena: Oh, please take it back; we have enough food already. (And she quickly passed the pack back to me.)
Me: .... Well, pass it to Francisca for me then.
Elena: (Quite hostilely) No. You pass it to her yourself later.
Me: .... Pass the message to her that it's from me.
Elena: No...
Me: .... Never mind. (And I continued to place the pack on Francisca's desk) I'll drop her an email then... (Walked away.)

Lord, I know my world will crumble very, very soon. Please give me the strength to survive this catastrophe without affecting anyone around me. Give me the sensitivity to Your comforting arms, and the wisdom to accept that Your love is more than sufficient for me. In His precious name..........................

Well, in any case, the following account does not explain why I feeling better today....

Last night, feeling agonized due to my "depression," I went to my room after finishing my work. In total darkness, I could almost feel my world collapsing on me and felt like crying. Then, as I prayed to God, I could feel myself being wrapped in His loving arms. Albeit the comforting feeling wasn't that intense, I think it was enough for me to be comforted by Him. I prayed for submission and for wisdom, not for the purpose of "scoring points" with Elena, but for the intention to re-prioritize my priorities, that setting God as the center of my life should be at the top of my list, not second (well, guess anyone would know who the person is to have been sitting at the number one spot.) The turmoil was calmed, and I had one of the best "concussions" since... since I don't-know-when... (Anyway, I dreamt of Elena too, but this is not the focus of this entry....)

Rain bile on me if you want, but right after waking up this morning, I sprang immediately to the mode of taking-things-into-my-own-hands again, and attempted to devise plans on how I ought to communicate with her. Well, praise be to the Almighty, I could feel something (or rather someone) within me reminding me to "let go and leave things into His hands." That "alarm" lasted for quite some time and eventually, the stiff-necked me¹ did heed to that.

(Again, I must stress that the following account is not the reason why I'm feeling better today, and is not the focus of this entry.)

I reached the office quite early today (perhaps around five minutes past nine), so quite naturally, I didn't expect Elena to have already reported for work (surprisingly, my expectation to see her was declining fast as I was approaching her desk with each passing second.) Okay, not an entirely big twist, but she was at her desk (staring at the monitor, I think), and with a momentarily hesitation, I just walked up to her, and asked her how she is managing her cell group. (For a record, the conversation lasted no longer than the time required to cook instant noodles.) Then, I followed up with an email, shortly after the short (pun intended) exchange, asking her more questions, which (yes, to my surprise) she replied around an hour later. (For yet another record, I replied with yet another mail at around 2pm.)

(Again, I must stress that the account above is not the reason why I'm feeling better today, and is not the focus of this entry.)

So, what is the focus of this entry? The path is really easy when God is in charge. I have always been usurping the authority from God, foolishly believing either that I'm in charge, or I still have to put in the more effort even God is providing. Well, this morning's "incident" taught me a valuable lesson: trusting in God and striking the balance in the amount of effort to put in are very important. Yes, I trust that God will provide, since He delights in giving gifts² to His children. But man cannot just sit and wait for things to happen (or putting it in a more theological manner: man cannot just wait for God to do all the work); man must contribute to the work God is leading in order to paint the perfect picture. This lesson is evident in, and central to the theme of, the book of Nehemiah. My contribution is important, but letting Him determine how best to use it is of utmost importance.

Yes, I think the manner this lesson is delivered is kinda weird, but well, the important thing is: I'm learning an important lesson! No longer this lesson is understood by me through mere reading (i.e. head knowledge); I've learnt it through experience.... Rejoice!!!!

This is one lesson that is long overdue...... (as in I should have learnt it earlier!!!!!) But better late than never, right? ;)

¹ Yes, that's how I describe myself, since I think I am a rebellious child. If not, how do one explain why I'm still sinning? (Of course, I know that we are all saved by grace, and that despite that we are already saved, we still do sin.) Anyway, I "labeled" myself as stiff-neck 'cos I want to remind myself not to follow the footsteps of the rebellious Israelites back in the OT.
² Although God delights in giving gifts, the channel He gives His gifts is not always "easy-to-swallow" in nature. I believe that sometimes these gifts come in the form of mishaps, and the true nature of these gift is the lesson to learn from it. Emerging stronger in faith, and character is the best gift God gives. ;)

After yesterday's entry, I realized that my emotions have been going through yet another roller-coaster ride, not unlike those previous accounts.

Fair enough, since I admit that I'm an emotional creature, I guess my slip into "depression" must be due to "that biological day of the month" which is like "haunting" me "biologically" since day one...

So what the moral of the "story"? Recognize and acknowledge that I'm emotional, grit my teeth, hang on to it, and continue my kamikaze style in loving Elena...

Have been extremely busy last week, so much so that the earliest time I could rest my head was normally after 12-1am...

And last week was one of the most agonizing weeks I've ever been through... Work wasn't the only thing that kept me busy; affairs of the heart were torturing me too....

Well, as mentioned in the previous entry, I was advised to start the proper communication with Elena, which to my dismay, it didn't occur last week. I kept looking for the chance to do it, but either I was too caught up with my stacking work pile, or somehow she left earlier than usual.

"You know what? During one of those days while I stepped out of the office in my 'dazed mode', Elena tried getting my attention by waving her hands in my face when we dumped into each other in the lift. Then we chatted a bit before she left for her friend's place." Shaun told me, over lunch today.

That account from him dealt a severe blow in my heart, 'cos pessimistically, I believed I would never receive the same treatment Elena has given to him. Well, deep inside, I admit that I do hope she hasn't developed a liking for Shaun, and of course, Shaun hasn't developed one for her too (yes, I know I'm being very selfish here). But the blow geared more towards the side of "why-the-hell-am-I-not-talking-to-her"...

For one thing, I am the very person who wants to get closer to her, to know her, and to love her. But I, too, am the very person who seems to be the one standing between Elena and myself. If the "signs" God has given thus far is that she is the one, why the hell am I doing the very opposite thing?

I don't know, but I know deep inside, loving her with my all is the very thing I desire to do for the rest of my life. However, ironically, thoughts of giving up surface every now and then, lulling me to take the easiest path to resolve this "thorny issue". But I know, I know that I desire to spend the rest of her life with her. Why, then, is there two conflicting forces within me, tearing the vulnerable me apart? Are my past experiences in being rejected holding me back, convincing me to "play safe"? Damn it, but isn't "playing it safe" the surest way to rejection again?

Why do I keep thinking that "shielding her from as little pressure as possible" my best attempt in courting her? Yes, I know hard sell isn't going to do any good either, but is my "least-pressure-exerted" attempt actually my cowardice in disguise? I reckon my timidness is actually the truth, but damn it, why couldn't I just overcome my very own weakness that I know so well of?

I don't know... I really, really, really love her, and I don't want to regret for the rest of my life... God, I pray, not for more courage to be bestowed to me, but for the wisdom and determination to muster all courage You have already given me since the day You have knitted me in my mother's womb....

Pray for me, too, will you?

Eunice thinks that the path has been laid and I should start taking more concrete actions instead of continuing to admire Elena from afar. She suggested that I should ask Elena out for dinner, instead of lunch. She felt that everyone in her division would know Elena is lunching with me, which, in her opinion, might be a little pressurizing Elena. Dinner wouldn't be as stressful for Elena, since the time spent would be the time after knock off, and hence the chances of her division knowing would be minimal. Eunice suggested I should prepare the topic to talk about, and asking Elena about the managing of cell group would be a good one to start off with.

Francisca shares Eunice's views that I should be doing something more concrete, but she felt that asking Elena out for either lunch or dinner isn't appropriate for the time being. She feels that I ought to start proper communications with Elena, perhaps via email first, to build a proper friendship with her. Francisca agreed with Eunice that asking Elena about cell group management is a good topic to start off with.

I am truly grateful that God has pointed me to these two friends who are so supportive of me courting Elena. Almost everyone else thinks that I ought to give up and move on - even Leeanne thinks that I ought to "get over and done with"; but Eunice and Francisca are so supportive and they are even praying for me on this. (Okay, okay, Jasmine, Serling and Keng Kiat are supportive too).

I really hope that things will turn out well between Elena and me... God, if You will, can I ask for yet another sign, Gideon style? :p

Received a wedding invitation this morning. I think this is the funniest one I've received thus far. Nope, the core of the invitation content isn't funny. The hilarious portion lies at the end of the invitation. It says:

Your well wishes are most coveted by the merry couple
But above that, if you desire to give gifts
Cash gifts will be appreciated.

Hahaha....

I've been "reprimanded" again today...

Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment to disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him...

As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something is unclean, then for him it is unclean. If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died. Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken as evil....

So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin. Rom 14:1-3, 14-16, 22-23

Well, reprimand is too strong a word.. haha... But nonetheless, I was told I wasn't sensitive to the people when I "corrected" them their views on Christian living (just read through my previous takes to "anger" yourself). Well, I was told that I was fortunate to be attending a church that teaches doctrines true to the Bible, and that I should really cherish these treasures I have gathered thus far. Even though I may have the "more correct" view of the Bible, that doesn't mean I can go around "correcting" people. I must stress that I don't "correct" people as a way to feed my ego; in fact, I'm usually furious that people are kind of "legalizing" the Bible unnecessarily and quoting verses out of context. I thought my "corrections" could "liberate" them from the "wrong" views they are holding close to their hearts for years.

And from the "reprimand" today (and actually a similar reprimand happened a couple of weeks ago), I realized that I have taken a "wrong" approach in expressing my "good" intentions. I'm not sensitive to these fellow brothers- and sisters-in-Christ. I'm not saying that I'm stronger in faith; just that, as Paul have said, what I do and/or say, I shouldn't cause another to stumble. I guess I just have to watch my mouth closer next time (although that would bring up another question: how do I watch my mouth when my eyes are located above it?)

Have been very busy these days, from trying to complete the development of an application to testing a margin trading system, I barely have enough time to complete the stacking pile of work....

Received the following email from her today....

Hi,

Thanks for the gift. Appreciate your kind thoughts, but really not necessary to go to such expense in future. May you be blessed in return for your generosity.

Best regards,
Elena

And needless to say, I'm very, very, very (multiply infinity) happy today.... :D

Well, almost everyone was like reprimanding me why the hell I didn't give the chocolates to Elena directly. "That's so insincere of you!" is one of the typical "bile" I received... Sigh....

Anyway, I do felt the whole incident does have a scent of sneakiness in it, but hey, she doesn't know when the chocolates were placed on her desk (most likely she'll think I went in earlier than she did and I left the chocolates on her desk in the morning... Haha... I do hope she'll like the chocolates... And that she isn't put off by my actions thus far....

Ever since the beginning of this month, after the barbecue pork slice incident, I have been thinking about Valentines'. Well, as mentioned in the previous entry, I'm not expecting to celebrate the V day this year. So what exactly have I been thinking about Valentines'?

Needless to say, I have been thinking whether I should get anything for Elena. I shared my original intention with Serling, Keng Kiat, Shaun and Jennifer - that is, in order not to pressure Elena, I won't be doing anything. But, as the big V draws nearer, I was beginning to have second thoughts, and hence, decided to consult Francisca. After all, I think it would be best not to do anything - thus no pressure given to her - but since she already know that I'm holding a torch for her, not doing anything doesn't seem right....

Francisca, in her usual patient manner, advised me to just buy something small for Elena - a card and a rose. She said that since Elena already know my feelings, buying something small won't hurt anything, and the gift would send her the signals that I'm still holding a torch for her, which all in all, is a good thing. Her words struck me to the core, and somehow I felt a thorny issue that has been bothering me is resolved instantly. But if I were to buy a rose, I would have to buy it today, bring it home, put it in the fridge, and take it to the office tomorrow morning, 'cos the florist won't be opening that early, and it is best not to give her anything in the presence of her colleagues (or she'll be embarrassed.) So I called Kailin immediately, asked for shops with good chocolates, and hit off immediately to buy them.

"Sir, looking for Valentines' gift? Would you like to have this box set?" the salesgirl asked.

"Oh, okay. Can I have dark and milk chocolates of any shapes except the heart shape?"

"...."

And immediately after paying, I went to purchase a card, went back to the office, and wrote "Elena, Happy Valentines'!" on the card, and left the gift on her desk....

Hmmm.... somehow, I felt so sneaky about the whole thing, but ultimately, I still feel glad to have bought her something.... :)

Exactly one year ago, I blogged about my "most hated day of the year".

Well, since the beginning of the year (or should I say, since the last), I'm not expecting myself to "celebrate" this commercialized day. However, I was that optimistic enough to declare that this year would be my last year spending this "highly consumeristic day." Haha, talk about foolhardiness at work….

Anyway, I read an article recently on how people have became more and more pragmatic in this game of love. "What? Valentines' Day is the day businessmen laugh their way to the bank! No, we don't celebrate Valentines'," and "Why must we celebrate our love only on Valentines'? We can do it everyday!" are common responses from most people (according to the article and my observations thus far). While there is certainly have a ring of truth, I'm beginning to see the pragmatism in these views. Just a quick survey, how many of these practical people celebrate their love everyday? Or to be fair, how many of them celebrate their love on days other than Valentines'? I'm definitely not a statistics collection person, but I believe the answer would be "not many."

Am I advocating that people should jump into the "traps" laid by the greedy businessmen? In a way, yes. To me, I think it's kind of impractical to celebrate your love everyday, 'cos I think excessive celebration would sort of "cheapen" the love a couple has for each other. Celebration should be made in moderation. I'm sure no matter how deep the love between two persons is, receiving a bouquet of flowers everyday won't achieve the same effects of receiving a bouquet one in a while. Yes, there are definitely other days to celebrate the love, say on the anniversaries (such as the first date, first kiss, and definitely wedding), but if the couples are the forgetful type (especially the men!), I see that there's nothing wrong in riding the "consumerism wave" and automatically be reminded every year.

To the singles like myself, there isn't a need act aloof (admittedly, I used to do that), and be "sore" about this. After all, deep inside, I admit I do want to spend Valentines' with the person I love. But for now, I don't even have the option to choose between celebrating and not.

Today's one of the days that my pessimism got the better of me. I was wondering whether I would ever be with Elena. Given how slowly things have progressed, I thought of giving up, and perhaps just "grab" anyone on the streets and settle down, well, for the sake of settling down. Nope, it's not that feelings for Elena has ebbed; it's just that, well, I've never been confident in the "game" of courtship, and I'm just plain afraid that rejection will give me a punch in my face yet again. I don't know, but somehow, I felt that this time, despite nothing (as in relationship) has ever started, I have given too much - in terms of my focus and commitment - and I'm afraid I would do the unimaginable when things don't work out... Yes, I can be a very emotional creature, and there are times, I would lose my head due to the unbalanced hormones.... I'm beginning to feel that I can't leave without her.... And that, I think at least for now, is a very bad sign....

Tomorrow is the last day of the week (as in working day of the week), and I'm not very happy about it....

Anyway, I've prayed about my relationship with Elena. Although I'm not too sure, God seemed to have answered my question "Is she the one?"... His answer seems to be "Yes, she is the one, but the time is not ripe yet."

Well, if that were really to be His answer, I guess I could only try to improve myself during this period.... And it seems like taking up cooking lessons is one of the things I ought to do... Other than my recent contemplation on whether I should take up cooking, Mum asked me when I would be cooking for her so she could take a break from cooking.... Hmmmm.... Is God telling me that through my Mum too????