I am struggling very hard within myself now. SK has told me how messed-up1 her previous relationship was. Her sharing opened my eyes, and made me realized just how ignorant and idealistic I was about life. And I finally understand why people think that I am just a young kid despite my physical age: my life experience just isn't rich enough...
I live in a "clean room" environment, and to me, the world is largely a beautiful place. I know there are sides in the world I am kinda curious of, but am fully aware that I shouldn't step into them. To me, those sides of the world are at most surreal; never in my life would I have thought I might be stepping anywhere near them.
No, SK is not from that world, but her previous relationship seems to have made her "take a little short trip in it". Oh well, I don't really know the minute details, but my simpleton mind tells me that she has stepped into that world for a brief moment2.
I realized how naive I was after hearing her sharing. In all my life, I have always thought that I have seen enough of the world to know how rough life can be. I thought my ability to mingle with the gangsters3 made me a little more streetwise, as compared to my peers. I thought that being raised in the middle-lower class family had made me come in contact with more people who were baptized by the harsh realities of life, as compared to those born with silver spoons in their mouths. But I am wrong; the surreal world that has attracted my curiosity via the movies and songs suddenly becomes so real to me now.
I am struggling now whether or not to find out the minute details of her previous relationship. One part of me wants to know more about it, simply because I don't want my imaginations losing its rein4. But the other part does not because it doesn't want to add on to my struggles in accepting her past unconditionally. Yes, I know everyone has a past, me included. To be fair, she has done nothing wrong; it is just that her past is simply not what I have expected. Believe me when I say I'll work towards accepting her past.
I woke up rudely this morning after dreaming of her and her ex-boyfriend5. I felt my heart dropping, and immediately I prayed to God. Despite that, till now, my heart still feels heavy. I feel so helpless, helpless in my inability to accept her past so readily. I need a heart as big as Jesus', and for now, I could only pray that God will grant an imperfect me a heart of love that transcends all in this worldly earth.
I would really want to have her to walk in the Light; I want to have us basking in His Light together. But I'm just a puny human, with a heart corrupted by the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. My emotions are all jumbled up, and I seem to have lost the ability to differentiate which is which. However, I could clearly feel my heart aching as if something is trying to tear it out from me; and that pain intensifies when I think of her.
Remember I have once said "life is too exhilarating for the faint of heart"? I guess I'm in the loops section now.... For now, I wish I could simply fall into His embrace and care not of the worries and burdens of this world for the longest time possible... Father, keep me in your arms...
1 I couldn't think of a better word, so we will have to make-do with this one for the time being.
2 To protect her from coming under fire, I won't reproduce her sharing here. Worry not; she is a good lady who happens to be misled for a brief time by her ex-boyfriend.
3 Although a few of my friends are gangsters, I have never joined them in their activities. I guess, to them, I am simply their friend who is from the prim-and-proper side of life.
4 I think it is utterly unnecessary for me to tell you that I have a very imaginative mind: manga has a huge influence on me.
5 The irony is I have never seen her ex-boyfriend before. His face was simply a blur in my dream.
2 comments:
In regards to whether you should find out more about SK's past.. Just ask what you absolutely need to know, and what she's willing to tell. As for the rest, you'll just have to learn to discipline your imagination.
My bf has confessed to me that I'm his 4th gf. It's not a good feeling, believe me. There are times when he says things to me, I start letting my mind run wild, thinking if he's said the same mushy thing to the 3 gals before me. I've learned to curb myself to keep my sanity. I only asked him the basics (IMO):
1) How many?
2) How did you know each other?
3) How long were you together?
4) Why did you break up?
He also volunteered the facts that he's still in touch with the 3 gals, and that they're all happily married.
Rule of thumb is for both of you to be truthful to each other. IMHO, what's past is past. It may be "good to know", so that you can avoid past mistakes, but you have to learn not to dwell on it.
Thanks for your advice, sis. I will definitely keep that in mind. It's no easy road, but I believe if it's God's will, He will help us to overcome these obstacles... :)
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