Received a comment to my previous entry from an anonymous "reader", and I thought it would be good for me to "pen down" my thoughts to his/her comments. (There are few things he/she mentioned which I both agree and disagree.) And of course, hi to you, anonymous, if you still "happen" to be reading my puny blog, and this "reply" for that matter. After all, there really isn't such a thing known as "accident" in His created world.

I agree with him/her that Jesus does offer eternal life, which in itself is a fact, but I think that shouldn't be the reason why we accept Christ. After all, no matter who, all will have eternal life. The only difference is that those who love God will be in His kingdom, enjoying the perfect relationship with our Creator forever; those who don't will be burnt in hell, forever too (Rev 20:15). Which is why, Jesus said,

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. (Luke 9:24, also in Mat 10:39, Mark 8:35)

I'm not advocating that we must die for God in order to have eternal life. Far from it! I believe, those who come forth and respond willingly to God's calling, "fighting" the good "fight" (as in serving God wholeheartedly), or even just loving God without reserves, are the people who will inherit the kingdom of God. (After all, responding willingly to God's calling would most likely be a response out of love.)

Are those "following" the laws (or the more updated doctrine in our age) going to enter His kingdom? No! And we are to be reminded of that in the narrative recorded in Luke 18:18-29 (the narrative of the rich ruler). Thus, what matters most to God is that we have to follow (read: love) Him wholeheartedly.

However, since we are mere humans, always are tempted both by the devil and his minions, as well as our own desires, we will always "fall short of the glory of God" (Rom 3:23). But our salvation do not depend on the things we do; it is by His grace that we are saved. And in response to His grace, we choose to follow and love Him. In our temporary pilgrimage here on earth, we try our best to submit ourselves to Him (with the aid of the Holy Spirit, of course; and for that matter, during these times, submitting to another requires love too).

Yup, as he/she has mentioned, there are many issues that seem contradictory, but the good news for us is: Jesus only gave us two commandments (to replace the ten commandments in OT). First, we must love God with our heart, and to love our neighbors as ourselves. (Actually, I kinda lied: the two commandments Jesus gave is actually the essence of the ten commandments.) So, what am I trying to say here? We can never be made perfect by our own means; we can only be made perfect by His love.

We shouldn't add more burden than necessary to our pilgrimage; it would be wise to discern what God wants us to do, and not what the church wants us to do. And personally, I believe that His love should be the reason why I'm turning to Him (and not to the rest of the "gods". Eternal life? Why strive for something that everyone has?

As for the issues on believers and unbelievers being togther, I still firmly believe that God will make the path straight (eventually) when they are together. Yup, there are cases that things don't turn out well, but should that be the guideline in choosing our partners? That, I believe, is the reason why churches advice her members not to marry unbelievers, which sadly, has been mis-interpreted as a doctrine/commandment/law/whatever. I'm not advocating (again) this advice is useless; I'm just saying that, when handling such relationships (believer-unbeliever), God being in the picture is extremely important. Christians are free to choose whether they want to heed the advice the churches give, but I think it's extremely important to be aware that this is only an advice, not a law! I think that the believer in such the believer-unbeliever relationship should always put things in God's hand, and he/she must end the relationship if God says so. After all, God could be using the unbeliever to test his/her obedience; whatever the case is, following His will should have the utmost priority in all things.

Taking 2 Cor 6:14 to the extreme (i.e. mis-interpretation), are we to disassociate ourselves from unbelievers in all matters? Again, on face value (plus the extreme mis-interpretation), the answer is yes! Of course, we all know that is not the case, since Jesus gave us the great commission: "go and make disciples of all nations" (Mat 28:19). Hence, it is very dangerous to quote verses without knowing the context it was written in.

Of course, some of the teachings should be, so called, "updated" to fit the current era. For example, to whom the 7th commandmant "You shall not commit adultery" (Exo 20:14) was written to? All the Israelites? Haha, you're wrong if there was your answer. That commandment was written for the women back in that era! After all, recall that it was perfectly okay for men at that time to practice polygamy! Yes, God's original intent (as recorded in Gen 2:24) that monogamy is the ideal, but in order to provide for His daughters (i.e. the women), He permitted polygamy. Hence, men during that time couldn't possibly commit adultery (as long as the man marries the woman he has slept with, what adultery has he committed?), only women could. But in our era, where the law (in most countries) only permits monogamy, this 7th commandment applies to both men and women. Although we are not within the Law anymore (as in the ten commandments in the OT), Jesus taught about adultery during His sermon on the mount/plain (Mat 5:27-32), and hence, a commandment was kinda "updated" to fit into modern times. But not all cases are like this, and hence, we should be careful in how we read the Bible.

In short, we could never, ever meet the high level of standards God has set for us; He did it 'cos He wants to us to be constantly reminded that we are to depend on Him in all things, and more importantly, to love Him wholeheartedly. (We must still strive to reach the standards He has set even though we may never meet the standards, though. So we cannot be too laid back...)

Phew, what I thought would be a short "reply" has evolved into a full screen (or depending your monitor's resolution, several screens) of thoughts.... Haha... I'm becoming more and more naggy with each passing day.... But whatever the case is, I would still like to thank anomyous on his/her care for my spiritual life, as well as his/her love for a fellow brother-in-Christ... :)

By the way, if you are interested to know, Elena is a fellow sister-in-Christ.... And for that matter, I'm grateful..... :)

Found a couple of incredibly hilarious, fabulous video clips:

1. Backstreet Boys' I want it that way (Spoof cover version) which is darn funny,
2. Canon in D (Electric Guitar Version), played by a (supposedly) Japanese,
3. RPG Sequence (Final Fantasy Re-enactment), which is really a spoof of the incredible Final Fantasy VIII,
4. Diet Coke and Mentos Reactions, which is perhaps a warning not to eat Mentos anymore, and
5. 1337 Drum Skills, which is a sight to behold for all drummers.

Really hats off to these incredible people, especially those doing the spoofs.... Haha...

Note: By the way, do you know what 1337 means?

Tomorrow's the last working day of the year, and actually, I'm not too happy about it..... Why? 'Cos it's going to be another long weekend....!!!!!

Anyway, just to fill up the screen, and taking up valuable real estate on your monitor (and why the hell I'm doing that for? For fun, laughter and joy! Haha...), I just want to make a note (for myself, who else?) that I bumped into Elena again today in the lift!

And as the days go by, my affection for her is growing stronger and stronger, getting increasingly difficult for me to contain all my love for her within my heart, and I would very much want to tell her: Elena, I love you!!!!!!!!

Okay, so much for mushy stuff..... ;)

After 2 entries of bile (haha, what a way to describe my own entries), I am not too sure whether I should add another one......

......

......

Nay, I think I better not do that, in case anyone think that I am damn unsatisfied with the world......

Anyway, another 3 more days and it would 2006. Time flies! (But don't ask me why pigs don't) Another bloody year of loneliness has elapsed.... Another freaking spiritual roller coaster ride is finally nearing the end.... Hmmmm, I think it would be more appropriate to blog about these on 31st (read: no dates on that day so have to stay at home).....

Okay, after a few freaking paragraphs of nonsense, I still couldn't come up with anything to blog about....

What the hell! I'll just go and sleep till morning.... #$%^&*

As mentioned in the last entry, I attended a musical (?) last evening. Perhaps it was an attempt to correct my perpetual habit of always turning up late, I reached the auditorium half-an-hour prior the performance. After quite some time, we were finally allowed to be admitted into the auditorium, which I guess was about 10 minutes before the performance. However, after a good 15 minutes' (or more) wait, the emcee went up the stage and told us that "the show will begin in 5 minutes' time."

Later, after the performance, I went to KFC to buy my dinner. When it was my turn, the waitress told me blatantly that the leftovers were chicken wings only and asked whether I would mind having only the wings. Well, left with no other options, and dreading another round of queue at some other place, I took the wings, found myself a comfortable seat and started munching.

But what's the point of these narratives? Well, it dawned to me that people nowadays are so spoilt. People who are punctual are punished for, yup, being punctual, as the host would like to give some leeway to/buy some time for those who are late. People who loves the other parts of the chicken, would request for the choicest portion of the poor chicken when placing their orders.

What the hell?!! Yah, I admit that I'm equally guilty of being perpetually late for almost anything, but at least I'm aware of it (and am trying to correct that). But from all the experiences that I had, somehow, I think my perpetual lateness is a conditioning effect of all the leeway given by the "generous" hosts. Take that as my feeble attempt to push the blame away, but examining things at a deeper level, I think it's kinda wrong for hosts to "punish" those who are punctual. Give a round of applause to most of the concert organizers for starting their performances on time and only allowing those who are late to enter at the appropriate time; I think this ought to be the way organizers/hosts treat their customers/guests (who are punctual).

Now, let's address the chicken issue. Yes, I understand that some portions of the chicken tastes better than the other, and most certainly, most people would choose to have those parts. Yes, chicken wings are quite tasty, but compared to the drumsticks, I bet most would prefer to have the drumsticks. For those who are big eaters, chicken breast would be their preferred choice, as compared to wings. So, what’s my rant about? <Gibberish>, because of those selfish people's preferences, the rest of us have to take their shit! There are only so many drumsticks, wings, and breasts on a chicken, and when they have satisfied their bloody taste buds, the rest of us have could only stick to the lousier portions. Mind you, this does not apply only to chickens – beef, mutton, and whatever ingredients you can think of, as well as jobs, products, blah, blah, blah….. I must clarify one thing: I didn't feel shortchanged in anyway when I was given the wings; it just dawned to me that there are numerous selfish people around, who think that they are shortchanged whenever they couldn't get what they want.

<Gibberish>, what a terrible society most of us are living in! How long more must we, mere mortals, tolerate these people?!! <Gibberish> Lord, help us!!!!

Okay, finally, there's feedback that the past entries are boring…. (Okay, okay, I should say: the feedback is I'm boring)... But why should I care? I'll blog what I want... ;)

Anyway, I went to watch a musical (?) with Kiat this evening. Serling invited us a few days back, but it was only when we received the synopsis distributed by the ushers, we started to wonder what role she was playing. We couldn't help it, 'cos when we saw the description/title of her role that says "Working Adult", we were kinda crossing our fingers she wasn't just a moving prop...

Phew! Turned out it wasn't that case, 'cos her role was quite a heavy one. And during the show, we were also kinda surprised to see Jiaying participating in the musical (?), playing another important role too...

Anyhow, after the staged performance, a brother, apparently from the church who put up the musical (?), went up and share the gospel (there is only ONE Gospel, not four! Those theologically challenged, go and check with your pastor!) It was only then did I totally agree with Willy that Methodists do tend to emphasize on the "Me" part of the good news. In his sharing, and especially pronounced during the call to altar, he kept emphasizing that Jesus wants to give us abundant life. Well, there's nothing theologically wrong with that, but this brother shared the good news with the undertone that we have to go to Christ in order to receive abundant life; #$%^&*, Christ has been constantly knocking at our "doors", seeking us even before we know Him! #$%^&* For those who are accepting Him, these new believers are receiving Christ into their hearts/lifes - not going to Him to seek Him to have Him accept them! #$%^&* Christ is actively seeking us, not passively waiting for us to go to Him! #$%^&* Hence, the moment he uttered "Who wants to receive this abundant life?", my mind was totally put off, and it switched off to conserve earth's precious, and depleting, resources. (By the way, #$%^&* is not vulgarity in mosaic; why type hex dollar percent caret ampersand asterisk when I could just type #$%^&*? Lame jokes aside, read the note at the end of the entry for explanation.)

Yes, Jesus does give us abundant life, but that should not be the reason why we accept Him. Accepting Him because of the abundant life He gives is such a selfish act, and may I say, wrong motive! I'm not too sure how trained this brother is, but usually, those who are doing the call to altar would say something along the line of "who wants to accept Christ as his/her personal savior/Lord?" Pardon me, but I think the "accepting Him as personal savior/Lord" would be better, especially to those who are non-believers, since that does not project the wrong perspective that "we accept Him 'cos we (mainly) could gain good things out of it." Becoming a Christian is all about re-establishing a relationship, broken by the first pair of humans, with God. Pardon me again; I believe being His children doesn't mean having a smooth sailing journey in life (which many of us already know and agree). "Selling" the gospel to the non-believer from the perspective of "gaining abundant life" is just plain wrong. #$%^&*, this relationship is not about us; it is about God! Accepting Christ as Lord means surrendering one's authority to Him, and be led by God in all things (I must admit I'm still learning how to submit to Him). Accepting Christ has never been about "oh, I accept Christ in order to receive good things!"

Yes, I admit that I'm quite an "extremist" with my views, with which someone has already labeled me as "radical", and even Serling agrees that I am. After the musical (?), Serling asked me whether I'm placing the relationship with Elena in God's hands, with which I answered yes. Following that, I told her, actually, no matter who God has prepared, no matter she's a Christian or not, I don't really care; since it's His will, even if she were to be a non-Christian, God would provide the way, and see that all will turn out fine (that is to say, prior matrimony (or even after), God would have somehow touched her heart and have her accept Christ as Lord; after all, it's His will...) That is why "she must be a Christian" is not in my criteria list (for a record, the list is actually a very short one.) Yes, I know that Paul said:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?Paul to the Corinthians, 2 Cor 6:14

Based on face value, we could infer that Paul was discouraging marriage among the believers and the unbelievers. I'm sorry: I have to tell you that you don't know the context in which Paul said these words.

Paul wrote these 'cos the Corinthian church was associating her with pagans. I'm not too sure what pagan associations happened back then, but Paul's intent was to warn them of such associations and tell them to disassociate themselves from these. Don't agree with me? Read 1 Cor 7, and tell me in the face that Paul's contradicting himself, and he ought to be slapped. (And if you are still not convinced, go and get a few good commentaries and read up on it.)

I think the reason why churches nowadays "teach" the doctrine that believers should marry believers 'cos there would be one less thorny issue (i.e. religion/beliefs) to deal with in marriage; there would be a potential that conflicts due to the couple's different beliefs could result in divorce. I totally agree that this is a sound advice, but #$%^&*, this is not a command/law/dogma given by Paul! So please, please, don't ever tell people that the Bible tells us (Christians) not to marry non-Christians; it is okay to say it's advisable not to, but not "the Bible says 'cannot'".

And there you are, one of the longest entries I have ever written, and #$%^&*, label me an "extremist" if you want…. Unless you could prove it, don’t ever tell me that my beliefs are wrong…. (By the way, I don't accept the argument "Everyone in church preaches this/these" as valid, 'cos "by convention" is never, ever a good and valid reason; theologically researched reasons would be.)

PS: All the #$%^&* really aren’t vulgarities in mosaic; it’s merely an expression of my frustrations...

Have you ever heard of the Australian pop duo, Savage Garden?

For some unknown reasons, I popped their last album, Affirmation, and listened to it while I was designing a program (yes, I brought work home!), and even after a long, freaking 7 years, I still find their music appealing (and yes, my emotions were stirred when the track "Two Beds and a Coffee Machine" was played, and my buried anguish [okay, okay, more like pain] broke free when they sung "Gunning Down Romance").

Then I realized something: I'm so old now!!!

Didn’t do much today; has been lazing throughout the whole day, recovering from the late night movie session last night (or rather, early this morning). Anyway, still am super tired, and from the look of it, waking up at 1230hrs and the noon nap didn’t help much…. Tired, tired……

In a matter of hours, I would be dining in church, prior the eve's service. This year, the church has organized an event which they donned as the Love Feast (Agape is the Greek word for Love). Well, it's the first time, so I have no idea what food they are going to serve. I think I will take something light first before the feast... 'cos I loathe the idea of having to fight for food with others.... ;)

No prize for guessing: this entry is going to be about the presentation of the card that I've made to her... ;)

I'm not too sure myself, but I seemed to be taking my own sweet time making my way to work today, since I thought it wouldn't be nice to just leave the card on her desk. And hence, when I saw her already sitting at her desk, I approached her, greeted her (OMG! I've greeted her!!!), and placed (duh!) an original card on Francisca's desk, before walking up to her and said, "Merry Christmas! This card's for you." Like a magician, I pulled out the hand-made card (filled with nothing but my affection for her) and placed it on her desk. She turned her face and wished me "Merry Christmas to you too!” with nothing short of the most beautiful smile I've ever seen (okay, that's kinda exaggerating, but you get the point). I smiled, and made my way to my desk.

Then, during the sector's get-together lunch in the pantry, we bumped into each other again, and she, smiled at me again (okay, I have to clarify this: she wanted to go through the narrow passage which I unknowingly happened to be blocking it). During the past two years' Christmas get-together lunches, I would normally just fill my plate with food, leave the pantry and just dine at my desk; but this year, haha, I (almost) stayed in the pantry throughout the whole time, 'cos, other than feeding myself with the passable food, I'm admiring the love of my life at the same time! Haha.... I think I'm becoming a stalker/pervert/whatever in no time.... :p

And as I'm blogging the events that happened, somehow, I envisioned the day Elena and I are married, and that, I think, would be one of the most wonderful things to happen to me.... ;)

In the midst of making a "card" for Elena, and even though I have already simplified the design, it is still a pain-staking process.... I just hope that it will turn out good, and she'll accept it.... :)

If you haven't, run, don't walk, to the nearest cinema near you and catch King Kong before it's too late. It's a freaking good movie that, embarassingly, moved me to tears (Damn, why must that happen to King Kong?). Yup, it's that good a movie, and since I've never watched the 1933 original, at the movie's mid-point, I already wondered how this movie will end (which, incidentally happened to be my most unwanted ending.) There are some technical glitches here and there, but looking past that, it's worth every single dollar you've spent... (Or perhaps, I'm just a sucker for movies that made my shed my tears, just like what Deep Impact did to me a few years back.)

Perhaps it’s just me, but over dinner this evening, Christina kept exclaiming why I am still not attached when our friends like Brandon and Jonathan already are. May kept silent throughout her exclamation, and I kept using the phrase “What does him having a girlfriend got to do with me?” in response to her exclamation. Is it really that weird that I’m still not attached?

Hee hee.... no sooner after the previous entry, I plucked up my courage and did the unconventional: I apologized to my father, and admitted that my attitude was very bad.

Surprised, surprised, surprised... He told me that he has already forgotten what happened (though he remarked that my attitude was indeed bad)....

A heavy burden lifted off from my heart..... :)

Thanks, Lord...

I’m very vexed now….. I simply have no idea and don’t understand why I couldn’t have a proper communication with my dad… Perhaps it’s because he used to be super harsh on us and unreasonable at times. Most likely, that’s why I grew up not being so close to him… (yes, mum’s the one to whom I’m closer to…)

Just a couple of minutes ago, I was very unhappy with him when he wanted to hold me responsible for not making the necessary arrangements for automated property tax payment. Silently, though visibly unhappy, I told out the payment reminder and told him I’ve already paid the tax for this year. Okay, I realized that my flaring up was unnecessary, and of course unfounded, and I’m regretting now. However, apologizing is not an act freely expressed in my family, and hence I feel kinda weird to apologize to him.

I don’t know…. Aside from his bad habits (smoking, loud speaking), I actually do respect him as my father. I do realize that I would deeply regret on the day he leaves this world, and I ought to show him the appreciation for bringing us up… But somehow, there’s something within me that’s stopping me from doing that, and that something is causing me to feel angry with him instead…. My father used to be very unreasonable and strict with us but he has toned down a lot these years… But still, I couldn’t love him as much as I would like to…..

Perhaps, I need some more time to do that, and I hope it won’t on the day he leaves us….. Pray for me, ya?

Haha, after a long 30 days, I have finally blogged non-stop since last 17th. Ya, there are times that the entries are only a few sentences long, and for the effort made to maintain the momentum is no easy task! And to add to this excitement, in another 2 days' time, it will be my "blogging anniversary!" ;)

Anyway, the year's coming to an end, and I have to start getting used to writing the number "2006" instead of "2005" very soon... Whatever the case is, it's about time to draw up my 2006 resolution list.... ;)

Well, in case you are wondering, I am a:

Another week plus 2 days would be a day to reflect on the significance of His birth, and although I don’t really sing the tunes the retailers do, I still haven’t gotten anything for Elena!

Getting her a card would be the safest thing to do, ‘cos I believe anything else might cause her dislike me. Inasmuch as I would like to shower her with the most precious gift available, I doubt I could this year. So, what’s the most precious gift? Answer: One of God’s children – me! Haha…. :p

Today was both a busy and sad day for me. I guess I needn’t spell out the details to explain why, since other than what I have already mentioned on Monday, and Elena’s being the center of my life (now), there wouldn’t be other things to make me feel that way.

Anyway, I’m sad ‘cos I didn’t see her today at all! Only managed to catch glimpses of her now and then…. That’s one of the consequences for being so tied up with work!

Met Jasmine for lunch today, and needless to say, I was late again (that’s a very, very bad habit of mine.) Anyway, it has been quite some time since I last met her, so we updated each other over the meal, and I was glad to hear that she is very happy with her current workplace (except for the pay she’s getting). Anyhow, she seemed to be satisfied with what she has now – her mum, her boyfriend, her work, and her studies. Other than that, I'm also relieved to hear from her that I won’t have to give her any wedding gifts for at least another year… :p

I’ve installed PhotoShop CS2, and while playing with it, I was immensely impressed with its capabilities. I have always wanted to learn how to use PhotoShop, and I guess there’s no better time than now. And hence, after meeting Jasmine for lunch tomorrow, I’ll go buy a book to teach myself… ;)

This week might be one that’s going to be helluva hectic for me – events looming over the horizon include the second margin trading project meeting (the preparation is the killer, not the actual meeting itself), the third interface mock run of the Wall Street System, and the production of the new look and feel of the sector’s web portal – and I don’t know whether I could pull through all these, intact….

In addition to these, I still have one other scorching problem on hand: how the hell I am going to clear my remaining 7 days of leave. Yes, it’s one bloody problem I have to settle, and forfeiting them is not an option. Clearing them would mean two things: I would have to bring work home, and I won’t get to see Elena.

Scorching, isn’t it?

All my weekends are boring, when compared to those who uphold the mantra "such a waste for not going out on weekends" or "weekend is to have fun!"

With all due respects paid, I would prefer my weekends to be spent at home, resting. Nope, it’s not that I want to "appear" religious by observing the Sabbath; it's just that even on weekends, I need to "work". I would have practices for worship on alternate Saturdays (and sometimes, every week, in event I have to stand in for the other band's drummer), prepare and teach in Sunday schools on every even month (and even the odd ones too, also as a stand-in), and not to mention, sometimes trying to finish the work I brought home

Hence, weekends to me are very precious; it would be the only time I could rest (and nap). Going out, ha, is one thing that I'm almost unwilling to do. Besides, to avoid the weekend crowd, I would prefer to go out on weekdays (and hell, I avoid Fridays as much as I can, too). I'm not too sure, but I think a few of my friends don't see eye to eye with me... And usually, I would have a very hard time tying to find an excuse to reject their invitations to weekend activities (like going to the movies, shopping, dinner, etc, which I think could be performed on weekdays too)... Ya, if my senility has not worsen, I believe I have already told them my stand, although I think they interpreted the reason as I don't want to participate due to some other reasons (read: the pharmacist gal and her boyfriend). Sigh....

Anyway, I do recognize that there are some activities that would be best done on weekends (such as going to the beaches in the mornings/afternoons), and hence, when my lazybones aren't protesting too much, I would still join them. But I do recognize and acknowledge that the inertia is strong, which normally would cause people to think that I'm simply "playing hard to get" and be pissed off when I utter the letters "N" and "O".... Sigh.....

Whatever the case is, I'm still hoping that they will understand, and if you really do want to, ask me out on weekdays instead. Okay?

By the way, have I ever mention that I love Elena? :p

Accidentally slipped into depression today... Most likely it was due to excessive hormone excretion...

And for most of the time, whenever I feel depressed, somehow I would think of the person I like (in this case, Elena), and would ponder over my unrequited love for her. Depression is always a time that tempts me to give up on her and move on; it is a time I'm most pessimistic about love.

It sounds as if I'm changed into a completely different person whenever I slip into depression. Perhaps, there's a Ms. Hyde is lurking beneath the personality of Dr. Jekyll, only appearing during depressions...

Episode 2: Finishing the Unfinished Story. That's what happened today, during knock-off. I bumped into her twice yesterday (morning and noon), and today, I sorta "bumped" into her during knock-off ("bumped" is in quotes 'cos I saw her walking, about 10 meters in front of me, towards the lift lobby). I didn't catch up, 'cos: 1) I didn't know what to say (read: tongue-tied), and 2) I bumped into another colleague too, and we started chatting.

What could have happened yesterday happened today, and thus, just like the opening phrase, God was "finishing the unfinished story".... :p

After a long await time, and what seems to be an infinite lapse, this entry will be a treat for those who love reading: Elena..... :p

Okay, pick yourself up from your fall off the chair. Fortunately (or regretfully, depending on your perspective), this entry is going to be about her.... :p

Anyway, to cut the crap short, in case you are unaware, I was clearing my block leave since last Wednesday, and was only back to work today (don't envy me, when you were happily on leave earlier this year, I was working my ass off). Right after reaching the concourse above the train station, the first person I saw was (no prize for guessing) Elena. She was holding this can of beverage, which obviously was bought from the newsstand, and was walking towards our office building. I wasn't too sure whether she saw me, but I didn't really mind even if she didn't. Anyway, I didn't try to catch up with her, and so she disappeared from my sight. Well, I didn't exactly expect it to happen, but I bumped into her (sort of again) at the lift lobby, but it was only when we were in the lift (just the 2 of us, gasp!), we greeted each other with a smile.

Towards the end of our lunch break, while we were on our way back to our workplace, we bumped into Elena again, and this time, we were in the same lift again. However, this time, the crowd was quite big, and I was having a conversation with Lucia, so I didn't do anything to get her attention (although I'm sure she noticed me).

I don't know about you, but I believe there is no such thing as coincidence; all things happened for a reason, as "arranged" by God, so to speak. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I believe God is reiterating to me: Elena's the one. Despite me being a sinner, God still wants to bless me.... Haha... God is so good!!!!! All hail to the King!!! ;)

I love Ai Maeda!!!

Okay, Ai is one of my favorite artistes, and she is so adorable! I "discovered" this super lovable artiste when I was watching Battle Royale II: Requiem (which, incidentally, is a disappointment, as compared to the original Battle Royale movie. Luckily, BRII has Ai to save it from its fallen grace).

Other than her, my other two favorite artistes include Kimura Takuya and Takeshi Kaneshiro. These two men have so much charisma that every pore on their skins seemed to be oozing their sexiness every second.

So, why am I blogging on my favorite artistes? No particular reason, just that after I have decided to use the "My Picture Slideshow" as the screensaver, the very first picture displayed was Ai's! OMG, she is so, so, so adorable! Er.... Dun tell Elena about this, please....... :p

Finally, I've managed to solve a Su Doku puzzle, of difficulty level Evil, in 18 minutes and 13 seconds!! With that timing, I'm ranked within the top 48% of the people who solve the evil level puzzles... ;)

[I've solved puzzle #3...]

Finally, after an excruciating 2 days of downloading, installation and configuration, I have finally restored my PC to its former glory, except it's in a cleaner state. And of course, I have upgraded several software to the latest and greatest version (Nero 7, Norton Internet Security 2006, and Firefox 1.5). Firefox has a nifty plug-in, Download StatusBar, that, in addition to improve the built-in download manager, allows me to configure the browser to automatically scan all files that I have downloaded, thus saving me the hassles of having to remember to manually initiate a scan. Wonderful! I've also ditched Winzip, in favor for 7Zip, which is, not only free, a more robust compression utility. I've also upgraded to Microsoft .NET Framework version 2.0 and Java Runtime version 5.0 Update 6. Talk about having the latest and greatest? Hahaha..... :p

The only issues now are: should I install Notepad++ or UltraEdit (as the notepad replacement)? And should I install the resource hogging ICQ? And should I install Adobe Photoshop CS 2 or Macromedia Fireworks 8? Hmmm......

In the midst of setting up my PC.... A once-in-a-while spring-cleaning exercise to keep the windows registry clean......

Still super tired..... Didn't realize it can be so draining playing with a BIG bunch of kids..... For a nice side-effect, the bum muscles are arching, so most likely, I'll end up with a shapelier bum in time to come..... :p

Last day of Children's Camp, and although I'm quite glad it's over, I felt quite empty too... After all, having spent almost my entire waking moments in church (and outdoors) with the children, I'm already missing the fun I had with them, despite some were difficult to handle... I'm looking forward to next year's children's camp already... ;)

[Side note: after a prolonged exposure to the sun today, I'm slightly tanned, which I'm quite happy about it. The sad thing is: the only tanned portions of my face are my nose and my cheek bones - and in one way or another, it seems like I've applied powder on my cheek bones.... Argh.......]

Day 2, Children's Camp, was another superduper exhausting day... I was to teach them about peacemaking, one of the Beatitudes, and I chose puppetry as the media to deliver the message. However, since my audience was the pre-school kids, having them to sit still to watch the play was near impossible (or should I say impossible?)...

Anyway, tomorrow's the last day, which incidentally would also be the most exhaustive one: we are going to bring the children out of the church for outdoor activities. I think I will crumble under their excitement tomorrow....

During lunch, in the church's children (day) camp, one of the boys (can't remember his name), after taking a few bites, said he didn't like the lunch pack and requested Anna to throw it away for him. I told him we shouldn't waste any food, with which he responded with the most infuriating answer ever "Just throw it away; it costs only 2 bucks."

If he were to be my son, I will whack him upside-down, inside-out and throw him into "poverty" for weeks to come, to make sure he learns the lesson that the money he spends do not come easily or freely. What a spoilt brat! I hope his parents didn't actually instill these kind of mentality into him since young; what the hell, he did not even acknowledge that the money he spends come from his parents (and I have no idea how well-off his parents are.)

"Fine," I said "if you pay me 2 bucks, I'll throw it for you."

"Just throw it away!"

"2 bucks and I'll do it."

"I don't have!!!"

"So, do you know who paid for your camp's fees? You? Or your parents?"

He remained silent, refusing to answer a question which he knew clearly what the answer was. And when I stepped away, he continued to ask Anna to throw the lunch pack away. I even heard him saying "Even if you don't throw it now, eventually someone will."

Damnit! I wished I could send this spoilt brat to a third world country to experience poverty. He should count his blessings that I'm not his parent.....

It has been a freaking long time since I last played any game from the Dragon Quest series. If I'm not wrong, I played Dragon Quest III back in 1989-1990, in original Japanese! I had to rely on the guidebook to play through the whole game, and you cannot imagine the frustration of having to survive on copying Japanese characters in order to resume game sessions (luckily, we have the memory card to rely on nowadays).

The reason I'm blogging about this is 'cos (what else but) I'm playing the latest installment in, thank goodness, full English! Dragon Quest VIII's artwork is fantastic, since it was designed by one of my favorite manga artist, Akira Toriyama. Other than his involvement in this production, it is the nostalgic feeling of playing a truly old school roleplaying game that got me hooked...

Of the predicted 50 hours of playtime required, I've only just touched the 10% mark....

Well, other than Elena, what other things can I blog? Judging from the entries for past few months, it's apparent that she IS the center of my life, with which I find that, may I say, a completely idiotic thing to do... Tell me, is there anyone more foolish than I am? Fine, there might really be a few out there in the wild, so I belong to this league of foolish lovers....

And you know what? I don't mind being an idiot for her.... :p

Nowadays, I noticed that Elena has been tying her hair up, especially after lunchtime (perhaps earlier, since I wouldn't be able to "peep" anytime before lunch.) Mind you, she is still as gorgeous; after all, I have a penchant for ladies whom I like to have their long hair tied. Of course, that is the case only if they have long hair to begin with (anyway, hair length DOES NOT and WILL NOT affect my affections.)

Anyway, the question I'm trying to ask is: Is the weather really that warm these days, so much so she has to tie up her hair? And anyway, since I don't mind, why am I bothering myself with such things?

Whatever it is, I love her no matter how she looks.... ;)

Just an update: today's the second day she could have replied my email, but she didn't. This is either somewhat a piece of good news, she doesn't even care, or she just doesn't want to send the wrong signals..... Whatever the case is, I'm handling this over to God.... ;)

After expressing their desire for a long time, I finally agreed to go to the karaoke with my friends (my reason for turning them was: what's so fun when there is only a few of us singing?)

Well, towards the end of the session, I chose a song "You are the Person I Love the Most" and (surprised!) I didn't sing off key as predicted (okay, of the 10+ songs that I have sung, at least 3-5 songs I sang off key).

When I was "done" with that song, my friends said "We wanted to take out your Palm, so you could sing to Elena('s photograph).... Hahahaha......"

Hmmm....... I'll do that next time..... hahaha..... :p

In view that there's still life after death (i.e. His Kingdom), loving a person for the rest of his/her life seemed a tad short in comparison to eternity.... Hence, I don't want to love Elena for the rest of her life; I want to love her till the end of eternity..... ;)

I had a very uneasy day today, 'cos somehow, I'm anticipating Elena's reply (to my email yesterday). Well, I didn't exactly posed a question or two in the email; yet, I thought if she wants to end my "pestering", a rejection to "my desire to know her better" would end her "sufferings." Yes, I know, I was so full of negative thoughts since the beginning of the day even though I have prayed to God about it. Yet, when every "You've got mail!" alert came, my heart skipped a beat, only to discover that the new mail wasn't from her. Leeanne had, quite literally, to pull me home at the end of the day 'cos I thought that would be the best time for Elena to send any replies. However, I'm grateful that God had Leeanne there to encourage me, with words of encouragement such as "Hey, silence means consent" and "No news is good news", pulling me back from my slight depression today. And even when I said "Elena might have deleted and not read the email", Leeanne was still patient and continued to reassure me that there isn't any reason why Elena would do that. God is good, and He knows my every fear. I guess His assurance is what I needed the most during this period.... :)

I was so drowned in my thoughts that I gave up jogging after hitting the turning point.

Prior making my way to the gathering place, I went to Elena's division, armed with the excuse of asking Andrew whether he would be joining the jogging session, in hope to catch a glimpse of Elena... When I was 2-3 meters away from her desk, she walked out, apparently making her way home. I wasn't too sure whether she saw me or not, but if my currently confused mind is correct, she did. She turned her back against me, heading for the exit, and I have no idea exactly when, she pressed her ears against her mobile phone. Well, there wasn't anything wrong with what happened, but in the context that she did saw me (I was already in my PT attire), could she be "pretending to make/answer a call", barring me any chance of communication? I don't know and I was (and still am) very confused. My heart sank immediately when I saw her holding mobile phone against her ears.

After a good minute or two had passed, I made my way to the gathering point via the same lift lobby she headed to. I wasn't exactly hoping to see her at the lobby 'cos I think that would make the situation very embarrassing. Well, I didn't..... at least, not while I was waiting for it... (must remember to thank God about this)..... But when I reached the ground floor, I saw her again, a good 5 meters in front of me, heading towards the train station (this time, it was apparent that the "call" had ended.)

My mind was thrown into a state of confusion, and as I jogged, a lot of things went through my mind. "Why?", "Is it meant to be?", and things like that flooded my mind, and soon I gave up jogging, and instead started walking from the turning point. I don't know why, but at that time, I thought I ought to send her an email, and throughout the whole walking session, I kept drafting and reviewing the "email." Initially, I didn't know what to "write", but eventually, when I was back in the office, I continue to draft and review, and finally sent her an email expressing my desire to know her better.

Hey, what the hell? Why do I keep "stabbing" my heart with all these "minor setbacks"? I must really, really put in the effort to entrust this into God hands, and if it is one relationship meant to blossom, in His good time, He will make it blossom. What's impossible to man is possible with God...

Argh!!!!! God, give me the patience to wait upon You. Give me the wisdom to keep myself in tune with You. And most importantly, help me to surrender myself to You. In the Good Shepherd's name.

Went to watch "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" today, alone. And last evening, when I expressed my "plan", Mum ask "Isn't that boring to watch alone? Go, find someone to accompany you!" Needless to say, she was hinting me to get hitched. I just kept silence 'cos I didn't want her to know what a "failure" her son is when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm sure I would get a dressing down once she knows I'm so "hopelessly devoted" to Elena....

Anyway, the movie isn't too bad. My only quirk against it is that the "new" Dumbledore they've got, to replace the original, isn't quite adept with his character. I feel that Michael Gambon doesn't have the more scholarly and sedate personality Richard Harris displayed, which in my opinion is his biggest flaw in handling the character, Dumbledore. Ian Mckellen, of Gandalf and Magneto fame, MIGHT have been a better substitute.

In any case, casting aside the less-than-perfect performance from Michael and the "oh-so-different-since-the-last-movie" main leads (oh my, how they have grown!), the movie can be quite enjoyable... :)

After a long awaited one year, I went to donate blood today. Although I'm not a first-time blood donor, I still felt a little nervous due to last year's experience. Last year, it was a totally embarrassing experience, as I felt giddy and nearly collapsed as I made my way out from the premise. I was put under "surveillance" for nearly 15 minutes!!! Hence, this time, I kept asking the nurses "how do I look?" every other minute... :p

With God's grace, I didn't feel giddy at all this time.... I didn't realize that all the "torturous" jogging sessions have made me stronger (haha, I didn't expect Him to prepare me for this blood donation this way....)

However, to my dismay, my next donation date lies on the "most hated day of the year"! Argh!!!! No wait! Is God trying to tell me something? I hope so..... hehehe..... :p

Anyway, I didn't see Elena today.... that's why it rained today.... :(

[Please read the previous entry, if you have not already, before continuing... Thank you... :) ]

I can't be sure myself, but God answered my little "prayer"!!! (Prayer is in quotes 'cos I didn't really pray about it, but I believe it's His grace being showered upon me....) I feel really blessed, and God is really so good to me despite my flaws and my constant failure in surrendering myself completely to Him...

Anyway, back to the intented content: good things didn't stop at three, 'cos the fourth happened at knock-off time. Once again, I bumped into Elena at the lift lobby, although this time, both Andrew and Lilian were around. I thought it wasn't a good idea to try to strike a conversation with her, and hence, I focused my attention talking to Andrew. He was on his way to join the jogging group, and asked why I wasn't joining them. Since I wasn't talking to Elena, my knees didn't turn weak as they did earlier, I turned myself into the object of mockery while explaining my "absence" from the jogging group. Elena didn't participate in our "mockery" session, as she stood right at the back of the lift (and this time, I'm sure she saw AND heard me....)

With so many good things showered, I hope God is telling me that Elena is THE ONE..... ;)

Perhaps the saying "Good things come in threes" does has a ring of truth in it.... (Aw.... I can hear some moans already..... and actually, I hope it won't just stop at three...)

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Elena entering the lift I was in (yes, I know it's kinda like cheap thrills, but just allow me to indulge, okay?). However, I couldn't strike a conversation with her 'cos, other than a really crowded lift, we stood at different sides. I'm sure whether she noticed me, but it didn't bother me since I was already feeling very happy then.

When it was time for lunch and in the context that I have already fixed a lunch appointment with Francisca, I went over to her desk (with is situated next to Elena's), and to my horror, Francisca wasn't around. I'm not too sure whether it was a blessing, but anyway, I decided to ask Elena about Francisca's whereabouts. Needless to say, I was both thrilled and nervous, 'cos I was talking to the gal of my dreams (in fact, quite literally). And to my horror, I didn't sound like my usual self, with which I was totally disappointed with myself. And to rub salt onto my sores, I didn't make full use of that chance to chit chat with her...

Again, we shared a lot over lunch, although this time, I shared quite a lot more on my "obsession with Elena". Francisca thought that Elena is quite fortunate to have an admirer like me, although I joked it really depends on which perspective she looks at it (me and my lame jokes at work). However, I really do hope Elena would feel the same way (as Francisca, that is!)... :)

I think, including this entry, of the 188 entries I have posted thus far, between 25% to 50% are "dedicated" to Elena.... OMG, I must be very "obsessed" with her, which I think it's turning unhealthy. But I'm not going to address this "unhealthy" issue now.... :p

Anyway, last night, I dreamt of her again!!!! Although I couldn't remember, I think I dreamt of her striking a conversation with me, and to my surprise (in my dreams, that is) she was so chatty. I think I was enjoying every moment I've "spent" with her in my dreams (talk about being a dreamy person, real life demostration here.... haha)....

If I'm not wrong, I believe she's also quite a chatty person in real life, even though I have yet to experience this first hand; I would see her chatting with her female colleagues during lunch quite frequently (nope, I didn't install spy cameras anywhere near her desk, and nope, I'm not a stalker...)

And when that day the scene in my dream comes, at least to me, it would really be a true blue "dream come true"...... ;)

After a freaking long period of time (I think it was at least 2.5 months ago), I decided to get my locks trimmed 'cos it getting kinda out of hand. And after another freaking long period of time wandering around the hair salon, I picked up my courage and stepped in to express my intention of getting my hair trimmed (yes, I hate going to the hairdressers, and you'll find out why in a moment.)

"Please take a seat over that." A lady kindly showed me my seat and told me to "wait for a while."

Then, 4 things happened.... It took a freaking long (I know this phrase has already been used for a freaking number of times in this entry) time for one of them to come to attend to me. Then, I have no idea why, she took another freaking long time to apply shampoo on my hair, and after rinsing and drying my hair, it took yet another freaking long period of time for the hairdresser to come and trim my hair.... I think I needn't mention this, but anyway, of course, the trimming took another freaking long time to complete....

I don't really hate the time spent in the salon; I just hate the feeling of sitting around like a prisoner, waiting for things to happen, so that I can make my "escape"... And I hate the dreadful feeling of being at the "mercy" of someone I don't know at all.....

Somehow, I think I'm can be quite childish at times..... :(

Okay, I have finally, after all these years living on this puny planet, discover that black dresses do make one look slimmer....

On my way out for lunch, I bumped into Elena (just outside her cubicle...) She wasn't as slim as I thought she was a day ago, but hey, that doesn't matter to me ;)

Anyway, this time, she saw me too, and we greeted each other with a smile.... And my day was made with that simple gesture of hers.... :)

I think I will "die" in happiness if we were to be married and to see her everyday..... And I am, oh so, willing to "die" in her arms.... (mushy.....)

As I was conversing with one of my church friends on Wednesday evening, she expressed her astonishment that I still like Elena. She thought my feelings for Elena would have died down especially that she felt my depressions a few months back. The moment she utter those words, it occurred to me that "hey, why do I still have such strong feelings for Elena?" Am I hopelessly in love with her? I believe, as of today, that's a resounding yes! Or perhaps, my stupidity knows no boundaries, and will continue to do so, until the day she "officially" either accepts or rejects me.... (Well, when she accepts me, my stupidity would no longer be stupid, right? Hmmm.....)

Whatever the case is, I've surprised even myself that my one-sided emotional attachment could last for so long, and I could foresee that it will continue to for quite some time. I think when the day Elena accepts me, I would be the happiest person on Earth.... Okay, okay, that's superduper crappy.... when that day comes, I would be the happiest person in the entire galaxy!!! :p

Me: I have no idea what the reason is: nowadays, I would somehow wake up at 7am, which is 1 hour earlier than what I've set the alarm clock to.
Leeanne: You must be getting old - need lesser sleep nowadays.
Me: Hey, hey... Don't have to make fun of me with that. I am fantasizing that at around 7am every morning, Elena would wake up and pray for me....
Leeanne: .......

That is a snippet of a conversation carried with Leeanne during lunch today. Jennifer and I accompanied her to shop for presents for Christmas. And at around 20 minutes past lunchtime (gasp!), we returned to our workplace. I headed straight for the pantry to have my hands washed, as well as to help myself with a cup of coke, I saw someone very familiar shredding paper in the pantry. Elena? As I was walking quite hastily, I wasn't sure. And as I wait for the vending machine to dispense coke, I "examined" that lady (her back was facing me), and found that she was kinda slimmer than Elena (then again, all of my colleagues told me that black clothes can create the illusion of being slimmer). Since I wasn't too sure whether it was her, I didn't approach her to say hi. Naturally, when I made my way out, I took a quick glimpse and, OMG, she was Elena!!!! I was disappointed with myself that I didn't make use of the opportunity presented. But I was (and still am) very surprised that she has slimmed down (or so I thought). But whatever it is, she's still the gorgeous Elena I have come to love and adore.... ;)

With all these blogging on my "obsession" with Elena, it will only be a matter of time the theme of this blog be changed to "Fantasy: Elena"..... No, wait, I think it is already "Fantasy: Elena"..... :p

Jokes aside, I think I would be in a dilemma if there comes a day I found out someone else has developed feelings for me (er... remote chance of it happening but nevertheless, it's still possible). Would I choose to "continue to love" or "be loved"? Perhaps most people would find this silly, but whoever has been in my shoes might be able to understand...

Or perhaps, I'm just thinking too much (again)?

What the heck! When that day comes, then I will worry over this..... Hahaha...... ;)

I had a very, very scary experience today, and I hope I will not go through it ever again.

While I was walking down the slope from my church, heading towards the main road, the thought "what if Elena's already married, just that she doesn't like to wear the wedding band?" struck me, and my mind was thrown into confusion within seconds. After quite some time, I managed to convince myself that it isn't the case, but that is really one thought that makes me shudder just by, well, thinking about it.

That's helluva scary.... phew....

With a strand of hair that dropped while showering, I measured and was pleased that it measured a freaking 15cm (5.91").... Muahahaha..... My ponytail will soon resurface and world domination is near! :p

Today proved to be too daunting a day for me... Suffered from insomnia last night (think I only managed to sleep for less than 4 hours), attended a project kick-off meeting which for at least half the time (okay, that's exaggerating... quarter of the time) I couldn't understand what the heck they were discussing, and I think my superior wasn't too happy to perform an extreme makeover on the minutes I wrote (hey, it's ALWAYS difficult to pay attention and jot down notes in meetings, let alone one that I'm clueless for 25% of the time). There's one thing I've observed though: most of the time, I think superiors would feel uncomfortable with the minutes their subordinates prepared.... or maybe it's just me..... sigh..... :(

(and for the entire day, I didn't manage to even take a glimpse at my angel.....)

Today's one of the most dreadful days: I'm unable to see Elena at all 'cos I'm on leave. Sob... sob... Hope I will see her tomorrow.... :)

It's official; after a long 2 months, I'm outta my terrible mood swings.

I think the main reason for this change is 'cos I've recognized and accepted the fact that I have been empowering my affection for Elena to affect my moods, and I have been trying, slowly but steadily, to break that stimulus and to live happily. Yes, emotional tiredness still sinks in occasionally, but I think I'm handling them quite well these days.

Yes, I still do fantasize being in a relationship with Elena (speaking of which, recently, I have no idea why the image of Elena, with her long silky hair bundled up and held in place with a hair clip, in tees and shorts, popped into my mind; and merely describing her in that as beautiful is not doing her justice.)

Oops, sorry, side-tracked to much. Anyway, I do have those fantasies, and every time when I pass by her desk, I always thought I'm seeing an angel.... (okay, that's mushy....) Whatever the case, I must say I'm not attracted to her physically (not merely, that is, 'cos after all, to me, she's the most beautiful); I kinda am discovering a little of her character every time when I'm having lunch with Francisca (nope, she didn't tip me off with these information; these "little revelations" were made during our wide array of topics we shared.) Anyway, as I "discover" her traits, I noticed that her personality does not differ much from my initial assessments. Haha, I'm not saying I'm good at assessing people, just that I'm glad I'm not too way off.

Yes, quite a number of people have told me that I'm crazy to have kinda "committed" to a non-existent relationship, but somehow, I just have a strong feeling that she is the one (sorry, Neo). Yes, I'm fully aware that every time when I fall in love, I have that feeling, but hey, wouldn't that be a commendable factor prior starting one?

Just give me your blessings, ya? :)

I was trying to assemble my list of "top 10 most beautiful women" this morning, and here's the preliminary result:

1. Elena
2. Elena
3. Elena
4. Elena
5. Elena
6. Elena
7. Elena
8. Elena
9. Elena
10. Elena

Not bad for a start, ya? :p

Finally, I've changed my blog's "skin".... What do you think? Is it good? Anyway, this is not the completed version - I have yet to "style" the "innings" of the blog (repeat: have only changed the "skin"....)

More changes to come.... ;)

Update: Sigh.... Stupid IE bugs prevented my new skin from working. Have to sort that out first before I "launch" the new skin! Argh.........

Update 2: Realized that I forgot to set the width and height an element, which caused the problem. However, another problem surfaced when the mouse cursor is moved (wildly) across the page before all the images are loaded. Hope that I can resolve this....

Today, it is the first time I saw Elena dressing down. She wasn't in her usual professional-looking attire; she was in this short sleeve, round neck t-shirt (I'm not too sure whether it was tight-fitting or not, though.) But, OMG, she still looked so gorgeous!!! Yes, yes, perhaps it's the beauty-lies-in-the-eyes-of-beholder playing tricks again, but still, she looked so different today, and I don't think I will ever grow tired seeing her in this forever (actually, whatever she's wearing, I wouldn't grow tired seeing her in those too.) Mushy? You bet! :p

Anyway, in a wedding dinner last evening, I showed Lizhen Elena's photo (don't ask me how I got it, but I can tell you it isn't a photo snapped secretly), and her immediate was "How old is she?"

"4 years younger than us." I replied

"Hmmm......"

"Why? You think she looked younger than that?"

"No, I couldn't tell initially and I thought she is of our age."

I was left speechless with her response...... Speech... Less..... I was SPEECH...... LESS........

Whatever, Elena is Elena, and I like her just the way she is..... ;)

As I was in the midst of the torturous jogging session today, it dawned to me the reason why I am still unattached is most likely that God is teaching me a very important lesson. I can't say for sure, but perhaps, all these time, He is teaching me to treasure the person He has prepared. Probably, if He doesn't teach me such an important lesson, I would, *gasp*, probably be sleeping around like nobody business (I must stress the word probably!!!!) Okay, that's too strong a statement; bringing that down to a more realistic level, most likely I would be changing girlfriends frequently (nope, I'm not praising myself indirectly... :p)

I had an enjoyable lunch with Francisca today, 'cos we were quite open to each other in our sharing. She was quite surprised with my awareness of the recent exam fever her son (and herself) went through a couple of weeks ago, 'cos she didn't expect an unmarried person (like myself) paying attention to these things (oh, don't let me tell you how much a gynecologist package cost nowadays.)

We shared about our recent developments in life, our current work (sadly, work woes) and even our takes on life. I could feel (mind you, I felt, not deducted) her love for her son in our conversation, and I kinda envy her son for having her as his mother (hey, I love my mum too, and I could feel my mum's love for me too.... wait, am I beginning to sound like mummy's boy? Nooooooooooooo........!!!!!)

Anyway, I was quite taken aback when she asked me on my development with Elena ('cos she told Elena she was lunching with me, as a colleague), with which I responded with something along the line of "what's meant to be is meant to be." Haha, I guess that was the best answer I could give at that point in time.... hahaha...... :p

We ended up fully utilizing the 2 hour lunch break (oops!) and I look forward to our next lunch meet up.... :)

I'm back blogging, and this first entry isn't that triumphant....

One thought popped in my mind today, and till now, I couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer (for myself.) This is one age old question, and seriously, I've been brushing it aside for a long, long time....

What if I were to be diagnosed with an incurable disease, and I only have, say, 6 months left?

Well, if I contracted a fatal virus, like H5N1 (or more commonly known as bird flu), I don't think I would have that much of a problem since death is usually quite swift thereafter. But, assuming I'm in the last stage of cancer (say brain cancer), I asked myself what I would want to do in my last 6 months (or less) on this world; and I couldn't come up with any good answers for myself.

In movies, (auto-)biographies, and maybe even testimonies (second hand accounts, that is), these people would fulfill their last dreams, do meaningful things, and make proper arrangements to ensure the well-being of their families are taken care of. Yes, there are also some who deny the cold, hard facts and wasted more than half of the remaining lifespan before coming to terms (and I'm not too sure whether I will fall into this category.) And so, I assumed I would want to be like the first group of people (i.e. fulfilling dreams, do meaningful things, etc) and thought of the things I could do.

The first item, top from the list - fulfilling dreams. Sigh, this first one incidentally happened to be the first to left me stumbled: my dream all these years is to be blissfully married, and be both a good spouse and parent. But it would be incredibly difficult to find one who is willing to marry a dying person. And hell, this is impossible 'cos I don't even have a girlfriend! So, one unfulfilled dream.

Okay, perhaps I should lower my expectations - be in a relationship while I'm still alive.... But reality is harsh: if I'm unable to get attached all these years, what makes me think that it would easier for me when I have only 6 freaking months left?!! Perhaps, someone might pity me, and decides to fulfill my last wish, but damnit, that's not a real relationship! So, strike that *more realistic* last wish off the list....

Well, then, I guess the only thing I could do is to tell whoever she might be at that point in time that I like her. But so what? An act just to fulfill my last wish? To become more regretful that I didn't tell that person while I was still healthy? Sigh.... but I may just have to settle for this in place for the impossible dreams mentioned earlier....

What other dreams do I have? I asked myself again. Regretfully, I couldn't think of any and so I looked at the second item on the list - doing meaningful things.

Okay, what kind of meaningful things do I want to do? Things that, perhaps, will have a (tiny yet) meaningful impact on others. My passion lies with the kids, so I reckon I could frequent orphanages and do voluntary work. I'm not too sure whether that kind of work would add meaning to the remaining life that I have, but I guess that is the closest meaningful thing I think I could do.... But damnit again! I examined my motives behind this and uncover the question "Am I doing this just for the sake of doing it?" Think I ought to burn in hell - not even am sure of myself...

Disgruntled, I moved to the last item in the list - making arrangements for my family - and found that, other than contacting my insurance agent, there isn't much I need to do. After all, I don't own any other assets, so these arrangements can be made in a couple of days.

What then? After covering the last item in the list, I'm left unsatisfied with my "answers." OMG, my life is so freaking empty! Ambitions are bullshits in the face of death... No, include most things as bullshits.... Working on a closer relationship with our Creator? Harlow, I ought to be doing that now, not only when I'm dying....

Am I thinking too much (again)? Perhaps.... So should I leave these till the day the (in-)famous phrase "I'm sorry, you have only 6 months left" to be dished out from the doctor and slap me in my face? I don't know. I really don't know, but somehow, the issues of life and death seemed so real to me.....

And hell, I'm scared shitless.....

N.B.: Pardon the language used, but I think that expresses my feelings in a better manner....

Update: One other thing I could do - prepare myself for the day to have the angel(s) lead me to see our loving Father.... Standard answer, no less, but I guess this is one thing I could really do.... ;)

I'm suffering from "writer's block".....

Last evening, I attended Jason's wedding, but it wasn't like any other wedding dinners... [drum roll.........] it felt like any ordinary dinner on any other night in any other setting (except a wedding.)

Lackluster? You bet!

I noticed I've been displaying the following traits these days:

1. Poor memory, and
2. Mad like a cow.

And, after pondering for quite some time.... Sorry, what was it again? Oh ya, I concluded that I'm a carrier of the mad cow disease....

One of my latest addictions: Su Doku...

Reason? It originated from Japan, my favorite country! :p

I believe the reason behind my downcast mood, other than the obvious reason (i.e. Elena), would most likely be due to, may I say, "emotional tiredness."

I think I'm just exhausted going through the whole emotional spectrum, and instead have "switched" to the "emotion saving mode", thus dulling my senses from experiencing emotional highs.

Unlike the majority of the people out there, I've been shying myself away from IE, and, instead, have been using:

I adore this free web browser since I started using it 'cos it doesn't give me as much headaches as IE does. But the drawback is: there are some IE specific plugins/tags/css styles that I can't view...

(And nope, there isn't any music playing in the background when I visit certain sites....)

I don't know why, but my moods kinda sank today.... Perhaps it was due to "Elena's trilogy"....

Today, when Owl and I met Sharon for lunch, I didn't feel at all happy to see a friend "who-just-came-back-and-is-going-away." I sat there, most of the time silently munching my sandwich, listening to the two ladies exchanging news and gossips.

"Hey, I tell you......"

"Well, my boss/colleague is kinda...."

Nothing's wrong to "see bile splattering" since no workplace is perfect, but even the supposedly amusing exchange didn't lift up my moods....

Have I unconsciously allowed her to occupy so much place in my heart (albeit one-sided) that I've rendered myself helpless(-ly in love)? I must admit that I'm one weak person... and there's nothing wrong to be weak....

I didn't see that coming (oh, forgive me) but it seems like the "sequel" came upon me earlier than expected.... at the time when I was making my way home....

She was dressed in black blouse with a matching black skirt. She stood outside her cubicle, just in front of the window, looking at a group of people doing aerobics. Her gaze seemed to exhibit a distant, lonely mood, elevating her beauty to a surreal level... Even though that I only saw that for a few seconds, that indescribable scene is already deeply etched in my heart....

Talk about a series of "follow-ups", I dreamt of Elena for the first time last night (well, quoting Kylie "can't get you out of my head".. oops, I did it again!) In my dreams, she was so chatty! Well, well, it doesn't mean anything, just thought that I ought to put it in my blog....

Then this morning, I believe I saw her sister (that is if she has one) on the train, although I couldn't recall when she boarded it. Her "sister" wasn't traveling with her, so I couldn't be sure. I deduced that she might be Elena's sister 'cos:

1. She resembles Elena,
2. The make up she put is strikingly similar to E's.

I couldn't tell whether she's younger or older than Elena, so I guess their age gap isn't that huge. However, this "sister" of hers is slimmer and taller (but I guess these won't be good enough to estimate the age.)

Whatever the case is, I'm not blogging this 'cos I'm interested in her "sister"; I'm blogging this cos I thought this seemed to be a "follow-up" to yesterday's incident.... Wonder when part 3 will be released? :p

Okay, okay, I'm aware that this is the one issue that most likely has gotten onto everyone's nerves, but I'm still entitled to "echo my thoughts", right?

Anyway, the last incident took place, OMG, almost 5 months ago (for a record, it was on 12 May 2005.) Hence, when it happened today (the last day of the 5th month), I've allowed myself to tumble into confusion (and inevitably, am going to draw fire from Sharon when I meet her for lunch tomorrow.)

This morning, I just "commented" on the higher probability of me being knocked down by a car, as compared to me getting married (yes, negative energies flowing out abundantly from me.) In one of the SMSes Jennifier sent, she told me to stop dreaming¹ and don't end up marrying an old hag (I'm sure I won't 'cos I won't marry for the sake of marrying.) Haha, I even quipped that Elena's the goddess of my life and that no one can take over her place (believe me, that was really done jokingly....)

Anyway, I've been carrying on my life in a pseudo-"giving up" state for the past few months. While waiting for the next train to arrive, and after whipping out my (almost) brand new gadget (i.e. the Sony PSP), Elena walked past me on the platform. I'm not too sure whether she noticed me 'cos I was on sitting on the bench behind the pillar on the station platform. Of course, the thought of going up to her crossed my mind, but that was quickly dismissed 'cos I know making such a move now would only make matters worse². Anyway, we boarded the same train (but different cabin) and went on our way towards the west...

I admit I tried to discreetly look out for her on the train, and I admit I tried (my very best) to appear oblivious of her presence. But I was happy... for no apparent reason³, I was just happy...

The thought of asking God why this incident happened did cross my mind, but I've decided not to ask... After all, this could have happened for no apparent reason, so why should I delve into this deeper than necessary?

¹ Prior this, she told me to try "threatening" my supervisor's boss (who happened to be my lecturer-friend's husband) and reap the "benefits" of a fatter paycheck. I responded with "If the counter offer includes Elena, I'll do without the pay!"
² Yes, I'm aware that all these are just my assumptions.
³ Well, she could be the "apparent" reason....

My weekday routine:

Morning:

• Drag myself out of bed
• Wash up and get dressed
• Embark on a 45 minutes' journey to work
• Work (what else?)

Noon:

• Lunch
• Work (what else?)

Evening:

• Pack up and go home
• Have dinner with parents
• Check email
• Idle my time away with the computer/books/television
• Sleep

* The routine will have a slight change on Wednesdays for that's the day I attend cell group after knock-off.

Mum: Find a girlfriend and get out of this routine....
Me: (eyes rolling up) ......

I think I'm not too dumb, nor am I too intelligent; I'm just knowledgeable in my realm of training (i.e. IT), thus giving most of my colleagues the (wrong?) impression that I'm a smart person. Tell me about the various margining methodologies, and I'll be lost in no time. I've come to conclude that whenever I can't connect things, my puny brain will simply switch off and set off to Wonderland/Neverland/Fairyland/whatever-land for vacation in its favorite Hawaiian beach wear. After all, since the gray matter is unable to comprehend everything, let alone linking, it thinks that there is no reason for itself to destroy its own brain cells. So what's the moral of this blog entry if one does exist? The moral is: everyone's an expert in his/her realm. So, harlow people, I'm just an average joe who happens to know how to solve problems with my IT skills (effectively and efficiently, if I may add); just look at how I fare in my (non-existent) love life to discover the failure(s) I've made all these years....

Financial Planner: Can you fill up this survey form for me?
Me: ...... (filled up the form unwillingly and deliberately left out a lot of details)
FP: (Looking at the date of birth field) Er... How old are you?
Me: ......
FP: 21? Are you working? Or are you still attending school?
Me: ..... I'm 27.
FP: Oh! You looked so young with your baby face!
Me: ........

Last Saturday, I attended a friend's matrimony (which lasted for freaking 2 hours, no less!) and was engaged in a conversation with one of my friends, Mosquito (yup, that's her nick!), which is as follow:

Mosquito: How old are you?
Me: Me? 27.
Mosquito: When would you get married then?
Me: After I've managed to find a girlfriend....
Mosquito: What?!!! You must be joking! You're not attached?
Me: Ya....
Mosquito: I don't believe you....
Me: Huh?
Mosquito: I don't believe you are not attached...
Me: (eyes rolling up) I'm not, and have never been. If you still don't believe, ask Willy... If you have any good candidates, do introduce one to me....
Mosquito: No, no, I don't believe.... Come on, you're kidding me.....
Me: Grrrhh.......
Mosquito: I'll not end up like you...
Me: Huh?
Mosquito: I'll not stay unmarried when I'm your age....
Me: (bark, bark!!!!)

Okay, okay, my barkings were fictitious, but hey, why is my singlehood [all these time] unbelievable? Grrrrhhhh........

Have just completed reading State of Fear, and boy, I've enjoyed the entire process...

Crichton's latest work challenged my beliefs in things I barely give a thought to; issues like global warming, the so called "scientific researches", and the progression of the human societies.

Do you know what causes global warming and the consequences it brings? Through numerous characters in the novel, Michael indicated that most of us don't even know what global warming truly is; most of us only have a vague idea on what it is. He believe that, after reading numerous environmental texts for 3 years, the effects of global warming is not as severe as publicized in the media. The threat of extinction is so overly exaggerated in the media since no scientist can accurately give the figure for the number of species existing on this planet. To Michael, an informed guess/prediction/estimation is just a guess/prediction/estimation. He even included a list of sources where he obtained the data for his analysis, as well as a bibliography which listed the journal articles and books which led him to his conclusion. It's amazing in the way he presented his findings in the novel, and you've just have to read it to receive these technical information in an entertaining manner.

Michael also challenged the level of influences politics have on the scientific researches. He labeled these as "Politicized Science", and deemed these as dangerous (an example of this would be eugenics.) Although eugenics is in itself a horror and people wouldn't want to be associated to it, global warming appears to be one of the spiritual successors to it (though it isn't that extreme.) He argued that the source of research funding is the primary cause for the "small inaccuracies/fallacies" in the papers written by these researchers; and strong criticisms on these papers are usually made by retired scientists, since they don't have to depend on the research funds for their next promotion or whatsoever.

Crichton also pointed the similarity in the behaviors of the modern society and the societies in the Middle Ages: we are all controlled by fear. Although we have progress much (i.e. scientifically) in our times, we are constantly living in the fear of numerous things, such as diseases, crimes, the environment and even strangers, just like the people in the Middle Ages were afraid of witchcraft. We are fearful of things we can't see (e.g. germs, chemicals, pollutants, additives), and the sensationalized "facts" the media has bombarded us with (e.g. feeling the world isn't as safe as it used to be after all the reports on criminal acts which in fact statistics has generally shown a decline in crime rates.) Quoting the words of one of Michael's characters:

There is no greater proof that all reality is media reality.

Crichton pointed out that "in the notion of social control, it is the requirement of every sovereign state to exert control over the behavior of its citizens, to keep them orderly and reasonably docile .... that social control is best managed through fear." Communism and the Cold War were two of the fears used to control the people. The fall of the Berlin Wall created a vacuum and environmental crises took of the place of the Cold War. He said

.... although the specific cause of our fear may change, we are never without the fear itself. Fear pervades society in all its aspects. Perpetually.

In Crichton's words,

... although we live in different nations.... we inhabit exactly the same state, the State of Fear.

I must say I was enjoying every moment spent reading this novel, despite that the characters are kinda 2D. Well, since this is (techno-)thriller, I can look past that and would recommend to those with a pendant for techno-thrillers.... :)

N.B.: I'm fully aware that this is, after all, just a novel and I shouldn't place my beliefs on it. But Crichton's challenge on our conventional wisdom/media-instilled knowledge should not be dismissed. I think his points are valid, although it would be good for me to do some research personally before committing to any stand made.

P.S.: Serling, as promised, my (biased) review and recommendation.

Have just watched Final Fantasy: Advent Children, and my jaws were dropping like nobody's business for countless times.... The artwork, the crazy camera angles, and of course, the fanboy within me all contributed to the enjoyment experience....

Have completed reading The Art of Project Management, and is now moving on to State of Fear which, in my opinion, has a gripping plot. Nay, perhaps I'm just a sucker for techno-thrillers.... :)

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Lyrics of "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt

Do I need to say to whom I'm dedicating this song to?

Have attended a church friend's wedding banquet on Saturday, and am going to attend an ex-colleague's on Mon (19 Sep). After these two, I'll be attending another 3 more wedding next month! There's freaking so many weddings to attend, though I kinda share their joys, all these can be quite draining for me too (physically, emotionally and monetarily.) Physically 'cos of the effort put in to attend, not to mention reaching home in the middle of the night after the banquet. Emotionally 'cos having to maintain chirpy for the entire day is no easy feat (considering that I'm suffering from emotional illness and I don't take ecstasies to make myself high.) Monetarily 'cos .... need I say more?

Anyway, an hour prior the wedding banquet on Saturday, I went window shopping and finally I bought the Sony PSP. Luckily, I didn't buy that on impulse while I was contemplating since my birthday 'cos that shop I bought the gadget from could arrange for me to pay via installations. I couldn't believe my ears when the salesperson confirmed that possibility. Anyhow, I'm now a proud owner of an expensive toy.... I mean electronic device.

Anyway (again), today (Sun), I participated in a performance (after only 2 rehearsals - last Sun and this noon), taking on a minor role of an emcee (reason being they needed a replacement urgently.) I was quite happy to be involved in it 'cos I've made some new friends and did some catching up with the old. And for some reasons, something hit me (again) while I was on my way home after the performance - I've been building my house on the sand and not on the rock. Familiar? Check out Matthew 7:24-27.

Anyway (for the third time), I realized (yes, after so many years and countless counselling) I've placed all my effort in finding the one to spend my life with (the sand portion), and not placed all my bets on forming a rock-solid relationship with the Creator (the rock portion.) What a foolish person I am! I hope this "new-found" revelation would help me set my directions in life right....

Recently, whenever someone asked me about my well-being, I would give "not good" as the reply. For some reasons, they responded with a startled look and questioned why.

Gosh, why must any reply that isn't better than "not too bad" raise one's eyebrow? Are replies such as "not good", "bad" or "lousy" unacceptable? Are negative answers so difficult to comprehend that people must question them? When questioned, I replied something along the line "what's wrong with having a not-too-good/bad/lousy life?" and carried on the conversation.

However, I reflected upon this for a couple of days and started seeing things from another perspective. Why are people (almost) always interested in your well-being when it's faring somewhere below not-too-bad? Shouldn't people also be showing the same level of interest/concern when the answer lies somewhere above not-too-bad (e.g. not bad, good, couldn't be better)? For my entire life, I've never met anyone raising an eyebrow and questioning why I'm faring well in my life. And with this new perception, I realized that life usually sways between good and bad, so having a lousy feeling about life should equally be deemed as normal, just like faring well in life.

Ya, I know I'm just finding fault with the minor things in life, but hey, this does make sense, right?

Every time, whenever I walk past Elena's desk, seeing her beautiful smile (into the thin air, not to me), a little color would ebb from my world. However, I think God has been gracious, for He has put some colors back into my gray life today. It was not due to anything good that happened between Elena and me; I think He wanted me to feel happier, 'cos I was pondering on the meaning of life for the past few days (and I found it meaningless.) Why stay longer on this world and go through all these sufferings? and mind you, I was standing on the edge of life where the chasms of death were tempting me to join their depths. I believe God has pulled me back and His warmth is slowly, but surely seeping through my cold, shivering body.

Hey man I’m alive I’m takin’ each day and night at a time
Yeah I’m down, but I know I’ll get by
Hey hey hey hey, man gotta live my life
Like I ain’t got nothin’ but this roll of the dice
I’m feelin’ like a monday, but someday I’ll be saturday night

Excerpt from Jon Bon Jovi's Song - Someday I’ll Be Saturday Night

During my sharing, I covered the other perspective on "idol worshipping" and I thought it would be good to put it in my blog to serve as a reminder for myself.

God gave the second commandment to the Israelites 'cos He wanted them not to follow the way the people in Canaan worshipped their gods. Hence, that explains why in Christianity (and Catholicism), there's no idol worshipping. However, we are told that the cross is just a symbol that serves as a reminder that Christ has died for our sins. Christianity pushes that a bit further by removing the "symbolic representation a crucified Jesus" from the cross, arguing that would prevent idol worshipping and emphasize on His resurrection.

However, most of us would treat the cross with a certain level of respect, although it isn't so much to the extent that we "worship" it. Think about it this way: why would Christians scream blasphemy when they see the inverted cross? (Yes, I know it actually symbolizes the anti-Christ.) Or not being too extreme, why is it that we treat the cross with special care? Why is it that we feel uneasy when we are throwing away an old and worn out cross? Why is it that we feel a certain level of peace when we hang the cross in our homes, or even in our cars? Why is it that we feel it's wrong to have the cross lying around our homes (e.g. on the floor)? (And by the pronoun "we", I meant most of us, not all.)

We are definitely not worshipping the cross but most of us have unconsciously elevated the cross, which is supposed to be a reminder, above its purpose of being just a symbol (and reminder) to something that we honor. Catholics claimed they are just honoring Mary as the mother of Jesus, but they seem to be worshipping her instead. The cross has been depicted as something that's kinda spiritual, lying somewhere in between the representation of a symbol and an idol. To make matters worse, some even treat the bible (as in the book) as something holy.

Christ told His disciples to do one thing in remembrance of Him (Luke 22:17-19) which (I'm sure we all know) is the practice of the communion (yes, most would tagged the communion with the word "holy".) He didn't choose the cross for that purpose; so why is it that churches preached otherwise? Is it due to the traditions passed down (I'm quite sure it originated from the early Catholic churches, and no, I'm not trying to find fault with them)?

It's really ironic that all these efforts put in have instead created a lot more other "gods."

God spoke to me through my own mouth, and before delving further, here's a little back story....

I'm leading a cell group (unbelievable but true) and after prolonged "persuasion", I drew up a roster for the cell members, assigning them the 4Ws (i.e. welcome, worship, word, work) way in advance instead of the ad hoc basis (which I used to do) and it happened that I'm doing word (i.e. sharing) this week. The roster was disseminated back in June.

Last Sunday, the sermon was based on the second commandment (Exo 20:4-6, Deu 5:8-10) which basically, distilled to the essence, means "make no other idols for ourselves." I didn't prepare much; I determined the way I wanted the message to be shared and made up a few questions for the purpose of reflection, all done one hour prior cell group time.

After the short worship, I began by asking the members to think, for a minute, of one thing in their lives they couldn't live without, the one thing, that without it, would make them TRULY feel their lives would become incomplete. Some shared that their families would be of utmost importance, some said health, and a few television. It wouldn't be difficult to determine what mine is: a relationship (yes, feel free to breath fire down my neck for stating that.) I shared with in cell group on my obsession in my pursuit for a relationship, and how I have been feeling incomplete all these times (yes, you may continue to reprimand me.) I admitted I'm kinda like "worshipping" an "idol/goddess" whom I don't even know who she may be (and heaven forbid I really do "worship" whoever-she-is to whom I would be attached to.)

Towards the end of the cell group gathering, one of the members made me realized it wasn't a coincidence at all that I was "assigned" to share on the topic of "idol worshipping"; after all, most of us would, in the cell group, share and discuss on the sermon preached on the previous Sunday, with which we wouldn't know the topic in advance (let alone pre-empting that 3 months in advance.) God, instead of speaking to me through another, spoke to me, using my very own mouth, on my unhealthy obsession.

He cares! But would this lesson be etched in my heart permanently? I hope it will.....

Having a terrible runny nose today.... must have been someone cursing me.....

I feel that a part of me is decaying away (figuratively of course!) and although I don't like that feeling at all, I think there's nothing much I could do to remedy that...

Am I thinking too much, worrying over unfounded FUD, bringing unnecessary woes to myself? Why is the carefree trait I used to have shying away from me?

I just wanna toss everything out and start afresh... could I?

Am in the midst of a terrible mood swing.... just want to make a mark and see how long it'll take for it to go away...

I'm in a dilemma now.... Got wind that they are outsourcing to China, and that means I've got to make a move before that impacts me. However, the thing I'm hankering for, which is the main reason I'm holding back on my decision, is still unavailable..... Should I or should I not buy PSP now?

It's September now (oh ya, how obvious!) and it would be another 4 months to year end, a time when I would ask myself "What have I been doing all these time?"

And well, I've asked myself that question today (actually, I think I did that a couple of days ago) and I could hardly answer it. Okay, I've taken the CFA exam in June, took some bible classes in March, church retreat in June too, transferred to a new department in June, taking over Leeanne's project this month, was "dumped" by the pharmacist gal... er.... sorry... that happened 2 years back.... tried courting Elena a couple of months ago, and was "rejected" a couple of weeks ago (sob... sob....)......

So what was I doing all these time? [Damn! Weren't they mentioned just a paragraph ago? Senile me!]

Sorry, back to the original topic.... I mean attempting to give an answer to the question.... I felt the most significant things I have done thus far are:

1. Taking the initiative in courting Elena, and
2. Taking the CFA exams.

Reason being that taking the exam marks the beginning of my new embarkation on a different career path, and I'm walking out of my passive mode in attempting to start a relationship and that's helluva big breakthrough for me (not too successful though)....

So what other significant things would I have done by year-end? Well, for a starter, I'm still hopeful in starting a life-long relationship..... :)