My results for CFA:

Level 1: Fail
The table below illustrates your subject matter strengths and weaknesses.  The three columns on the right are marked with asterisks to indicate your performance on each question or topic area.

Q#	Topic	Max Pts	<=50%	51%-70%	>70%
Multiple Choice
-	Alternative Assets	12	*	-	-
-	Derivatives	12	*	-	-
-	Economics	24	*	-	-
-	Equity Analysis	24	-	*	-
-	Ethical & Professional Stnds.	36	*	-	-
-	Financial Statement Analysis	68	*	-	-
-	Fixed Income Analysis	24	*	-	-
-	General Portfolio Management	12	*	-	-
-	Quantitative Analysis	28	*	-	-

Must they emphasize the word "Fail"?

Sigh.....

I'm not too sure whether it was pure luck, but I think my reading speed has now increased from 266 words/min to 384 words/min! Yipee!!! :D

It has been, lemme count, about a month and a half since I last had a conversation with Elena, and OMG, that's a freaking long period of time elapsed!

After listening to the song "A Thousand Years Later" for countless times, I felt love-smitten again (hmm, talk about pop culture poisoning!) My feelings for Elena has once again intensified, and I'm cracking my brains harder to lower the barrier between us. Since my first email to her, I've sent her another 4 emails recently. Well, the content of the emails were video and flash files which were quite entertaining, and my intention of sending those to her was to help uplift her moods. On the days when I sent her the mails, I noticed her moods were not exactly that good, and I searched high and low (from the internet, where else?) for these files, hoping these would brighten her day.

My mind is so filled with her now.... :)

Can't believe I'm so energy-drained since last Wednesday. On Monday, Kai "unofficially" celebrated my birthday for me (we met for dinner and went to the movies). And on Tuesday (and today), I had to do OT. Luckily, yesterday was cell gathering, so it wasn't that bad. But all the activities (plus work) left me so exhausted that I'm wishing weekend would come asap, so I could sleep through morning!

Anyway, I'm so surprised by myself for the fact that I have not mentioned Elena in any of the entries for the past 2 weeks! :p

Well, it's time to reset my focus...... and set it on her! Hahaha..... :p

N.B: To all my friends, thanks for remembering my birthday! (Er... I think Sunday's entry was the dead-giveaway, right?)

My birthday wish list:

1. A deeper love for God,


2. A soul mate, and


3. A Sony PSP!

Wishful thinking? I hope not.....

Have been going out meeting friends these few days - on Thursday with one bunch of fellow actors whom I was acquainted to during a play last year, on Friday one church friend, and yesterday a friend since my polytechnic days. And of these 3 outings, 2 celebrated my birthday for me.

Yes, in less than a day's time marks the day I was brought into this world a few decades ago. In fact, there was a celebration for all the July birthday boys and girls today, arranged by a couple of church friends. Well, since I wasn't in the mood to celebrate, I didn't join them. In fact, the "celebrations" on Friday and Saturday weren't exactly celebratory in nature - I received a present on Friday despite my repeated request not to give, and on Saturday it was just a simple treat. In fact, May recalled my birthday was coming up that very morning, and hence decided to pay for our lunch (our initial intention was meet and catch up with each other over lunch.)

Happy birthday to myself....

Just took a reading evaluation test and found out that my reading speed is about 266 words per minute! And in case you're wondering, that score translates to "just an average college level reader." Oh my gosh, I'm so slow!!!!

It's been a long time since I've last blogged, well, and the reason is simply I was busy (and still is!) with work these days... That's the result for being more familiar with the projects I'm involved in, and nope, I'm not lamenting.... In fact, I'm grateful for these 'cos not only will I gain a sense of accomplishment when I've completed the tasks assigned, I'm also, in a way, worshipping God with my work even though I may be sinning against Him some other areas of my life, but at least, I still have the capabilities to worship Him through my work.... :)

Bumped into her again (yes, I know I have been blogging on this for so many times, but the focus this time is definitely not just on her....) while I was going out to lunch. The plastic bag she was holding seemed to contain a lunchbox when I saw her. As our distance drew closer, we greeted each other with a smile.

Well, I didn't have any lunch appointments, so I thought maybe I should lunch in. An idea crept up to me while I was buying my lunch - Should I ask her whether I could join her for lunch? Hmmm, that seemed to be a good proposition since we would be able to get to know each other better. On the other hand, what if she were to say no? Would that put her off?

The feelings of FUD and excitement ran through me, and as I was reaching the office, I said a quick prayer, "God, show me the way." The moment I was walking along the pathway which led to her desk, the feeling of anticipation intensified. How would she respond? What is God's answer to my short prayer?

As I was closing in to her desk, I saw her smiling (and yes, once again, our eyes met momentarily), with which within the next couple of steps I took reveal the reason why - she was chatting with Francisca. I must have felt a sense of relieve, since all the FUD have dissipated instantly. Come to think of it, I didn't feel disappointed at all; in fact, I felt grateful, grateful to God that He has answered me. Shortly after passing her desk, I gave thanks to God for telling me that it was still not the right time, and that I have to be more patient.

God knows my desires, and He's telling me He cares! :)

Just a quick update....

I bumped into Elena on Tuesday when I bought lunch back, and we "greeted" each other with a simple smile (but hers looked beautiful beyond description). Earlier on that same day, our eyes met when I walked past her desk; I smiled at her, but I didn't manage to catch her response 'cos her face was then hidden behind the partition as I continued my way.

Yesterday, our eyes met again as I (again) walked past her desk. However, I'm sure she didn't smile in response, 'cos she was in the middle of a briefing session, so she quickly turned her head towards the direction of the person briefing.

I am grateful to God for these encounters.... Thanks a lot, Father..... :)

It has been some time since she last smiled to me, but on Friday (beginning of the 3rd month after I've waved to her), she finally did when we bumped into each other at the lift lobby. Leeanne was present when that happened, and she quipped, "Must be feeling very happy now...."

"I admit I was, but not as much as compared to the past. I'm learning to control my emotions, as well as putting things in God's hands. Don't be mistaken: I still like her, but I don't my moods to be affected by her so much now."

Anyway, the incident on 1st July did made my day, and I'm grateful for it.

However, just a couple of minutes ago, one of my best friends called and broke the news to me that our friend, Linda, is currently in a relationship with a married man! I couldn't believe it at first, since to me, Linda has always been a rational person (although her reason for breaking up with her ex-boyfriend wasn't.) And to add to my disbelief, she has been involved in this for 2 years! According to my friend, Linda said the (married) man's love for his wife has already died off way before he met her (what a typical excuse!) and that the man's reason for not being able to file for divorce is because his child is taking the 'O' levels this year, and he has to wait till the exams' over (oh my gosh, this is so lame!) Not that I'm a subject expert, but I don't believe he'll file for divorce, and even if he were to, I don't think they'll be blissfully married. (TV dramas/movies are not entirely groundless, so one could really learn a lot from them.) What the hell is Linda smoking? How I wish I could knock some senses into her!

It has never crossed my mind that such things would ever happen to my friends around me, especially to my brothers- and sisters-in-Christ. But now, Linda has "demonstrated" all things possible under the sun will happen, no matter how much I would beg to differ.

So what's a friend to do? Sigh..... Talk about the harsh realities of life, so right-in-your-face....

I'm beginning to read the Bible again. And at this point in time, I'm at 1 Chronicles, chapter 6. I don't know about you, but so far, I think only historians would be interested in what I've read so far. Till now, and after peeking a few chapters ahead, genealogy is definitely not something I enjoy reading.

Anyway, I feel misunderstood after posting the entry yesterday. What I've blogged was to serve as a reminder how I reached the conclusion to let go and stop whining about my singlehood, and not "judging" the two who were lamenting. I don't deny I did kinda judge them when they were venting their frustrations, but as I reflected, I finally saw the plank in my eyes and realized that I'm worse off than they are. Where their woes lie in their work, I, too, keep lamenting about my singlehood which I shouldn't be. (And yes, I realized I shouldn't be, just to re-iterate.)

Treat this as a self-defense, but I think I have made my thoughts/intentions behind that blog entry clear now. Whoever still thinks that I'm a hypocrite, so be it. Whichever of my friends reading this now and still think that all along I'm behind a mask, I'll gladly respect and accept your "conclusive judgment", wish you all the best and end a friendship we've built the way you want to.

[As a record, I don't usually mention about Elena in front of my friends nowadays unless they ask. There is only person whom I still frequently discuss about Elena with, is one who helps me to keep a check on my spiritual life, and not so much on Elena.....]

Elena has ignored me twice when I bumped into her on last Friday and today. On both incidents, I smiled politely at her, but she stared ahead, as if my presence wasn't felt at all.

To be honest, I'm a little disheartened now. I could only blame myself for not being very proactive.

Am I whining? Perhaps, but the reason I'm blogging this is to mainly remind myself to leave things in His hands, and let my moods not be swayed by these. In Him, I will seek to suffice.

I'm feeling slightly better now.... :)

I know I have already mentioned this for umpteen times, but I shall re-iterate it again.

Somehow, it dawned to me (again) that I ought to leave everything in His hands. Everything, including my love for Elena (okay, love may be too strong a word.) Most likely, this "enlightenment" came after one of my colleagues (whom I shall no reveal the name to protect that person's identity) shared (for umpteen times too) that he/she "will leave things in God's hands" and his/her "feeling of dying to get out of the company due to the company's poor management of resources/staff and poor remuneration."

[Before I'm being accused as a moral bigot, the account that follows recount the incident that led me to the realization that I should leave things in His hands.]

While this colleague of mine (thereafter to be referred to as A) was pouring out her bitterness of the "dire situation" he was in, his friend (thereafter, B) "affirmed" A's sorrows. They kept complaining the pay they are getting are not enough to compensate for the amount of work they are doing. Note that none of them need to work overtime frequently; OT is only an once-in-a-blue-moon thing for them.

"The company still has not contact me with regards to the job interview I went last week. Most likely, it's a goner." A lamented. "I don't want to care about all these anymore. I'll leave everything in God's hands."

"Do you still remember [name suppressed]? He's a little regretful of his decision to have moved to his current company. Nowadays, he has to work till 8pm!" B said.

"My superior knows nothing, has zero experience, and is very illogical in the decisions he make.... Nowadays, I have nothing to do but to surf the net for the whole day! I'll be better off if I'm transferred to another section." A lamented again. "I'm still dying to get out of this company!"

Throughout the whole conversation, they kept lamenting how unfortunate they are currently in their workplace, and never counted their blessings that they are still under employment. Honestly, I was fuming by the time they ended the conversation. Do they know how fortunate they are to be employed?

A has been dying to get out of the company, and he is even willing to accept a job which may have a completely different job scope compared to his current one; B has gained a pay raise after moving to his new workplace, and, as part and parcel of the deal, has more work to do (plus a lousy boss to deal with.)

If my memory serves me well, A has also been telling himself to "submit to His will" with regard to his employment (be it continuing in the current one or, better, a new job), but laments every time why he isn't going anywhere after X years of service in the current company. As for B, I remember very clearly that there was once he mentioned that he regretted trading "his time and not-so-stressful work in his previous company" for the pay he currently getting (and more stressful work, plus an irresponsible superior.)

As I've already mentioned, I'm not trying to be a moral bigot. Somehow, I reflected upon this, and found myself to be in a similar position. I've lamented about my singlehood, and I've also expressed my desire to "leave things in His hands" (okay, I'm too lazy to find the blog entry which I've said that.) I realized I (also) have been merely paying lips service in my submission to God all these while. Not that I want to give a convenient excuse to stop all attempts in courting Elena (for that matter, I still love her.... :p) All these "short bursts" of revelations have never left me an impact big enough in motivating me to submit to Him. I'm hoping that this time won't be the same as the previous ones. After all, if Elena were really to be the one He has prepared, there isn't any reason for me to be so anxious about this relationship, 'cos in time to come, He'll tell me she's the one (or not.)

God ought to be in the picture - the picture of my life....

I love Elena!

'Nuff said.... ;)

Has been updating my address book with all the phone numbers prior synchronizing it with my phone for the past 3 hours, and the fruits of this exercise is indeed sweet. This is one tedious task I've always wanted to do but has been putting it off.... until now. Anyway, although I don't wish it happening again, the next time when I lost my phone, I would have all my contacts backed up in my PC. But for now, I have to continue to make do with a few contact information lost.

Today's 20th June 2005, and tomorrow will be the 21st. As each day passes without much fanfare, time is inching towards the end of the month. Soon, it would be the end of the 2nd month after I've waved to Elena. But what the hell have I been doing to woo her? Almost next to nothing! Oh my gosh! What am I doing?! I've got to buck up! I don't want to live in regrets this time....

A lot of things have happened since I last blogged, and most aren't exactly joyous in nature.

The 4D3N retreat has given me more than enough rest since the retreat was specially tailored for the non-believers amongst us (so it was more of a evangelical retreat.) I've made quite a number of new friends, and if I'm not wrong, 4 of them are non-Christians. During the free time allocated, we went bowling for 2 consecutive days on day 2 and 3. Coincidentally, I won the second game on each day with the (same) score of 124! Well, not exactly the highest score possible, but still, the coincidence was, well, coincident.

However, on the day 3, something happened (which isn't convenient for me to spell out), and once again, I tumbled down the faith-questioning tunnel. Serling said I tend to think too much, of which in one way or another, I do agree with her. Sigh.... I really have no idea, but since that incident, I have been having nightmares - nightmares of myself landed up in situations where God is no longer with me (so to some extent, He has given up on me.) I know He will never abandon me, but since Friday night, these nightmares haunted me.

With on the way traveling back, the church arranged a lunch at a restaurant, saving us from having to feed ourselves with the horrendous spread we were having for the past few days in the resort where the retreat was held. Nope, this is not a recount of how wonderful the food we had (which incidentally was only slightly above average.) The main point of this account is: I dropped my mobile phone while we were making our way to the restaurant, and the phone which I've dropped cost me $530!!! I was very devastated when I discovered that and couldn't find it anywhere. I made a call to my mobile phone using my friend's phone, hoping that the ring tone would help me locate it. But when I heard the recorded message "Please leave a message after the tone," I knew all hopes were lost - the person who picked up my phone has already removed the sim card. Argh!!!!

Resigning to the unfortunate turn of events, I went to the mobile phone retail shop to get a replacement sim card and phone. I wanted the latest and the greatest Nokia 3G phone available, but after enquiry, the latest and greatest phone happened to be very expensive. I have to cough out at least 1k to buy it, which in my opinion, is unreasonable. In the end, I still made a big dent in my savings, spending $530+ buying Nokia 6670 (which is the same as the one I've dropped.) Sigh....

As for today, while returning from lunch break, I took the usual route back to my desk, and as I walked past Elena's desk, I saw her turning away from the computer screen, and her eyes slightly rolled up as she turned towards me. I wasn't too sure whether she rolled her eyes when she saw me, or she has already rolled while turning away from the monitor, but I sure hope it was the latter.

With all these unfortunate turn of events (not including the incident involving Elena), I'm not too sure how I am to go through this week with a beaming smile. I'll still try, nonetheless....

Hmmm.... realized it has been quite some time since I last blogged, so here I go....

Other than sourcing for images to be used for revamping the blog, I have been busy adjusting with my new job scope, and frankly speaking, I don't feel good about it (as of now), since I don't seemed to be able to contribute to the team. Anyway, I guess it's only natural to feel that way initially. Perhaps, I ought to enjoy this "honeymoon" "while stocks last"!

And on the topic of contributing to the team. Today, I've just attended a discussion on the evaluation of 3 margin trading systems. And since this was my first time attending such discussions, plus the fact that I'm not at all familiar with margin trading systems, I couldn't comprehend more than 75% of the things discussed. And to rub salt on the wound, I was given the job to take minutes! Duh! For all my life, be it in school, or in my previous workplace, I hate taking minutes! Not only do I have to sieve out the small-talks from the main points, I have to organize the chaotic thought process of those in the meeting, and put everything down on paper in order. And after the meeting, I had to strain my eyes when trying to make my scribbled notes comprehensible. Sigh...... How I miss the days which I could delegate such tasks to someone else.... Sigh.....

Onto another topic, there isn't much progress between Elena and myself. (Sidetrack a bit: Don't I have anything else to blog about other than her? Well, when my life is revolving around her, I think she's that important to have all my attention focused on her.) Oh well, perhaps it's b'cos I have not seen her for quite a couple of days (3 weekdays plus 2 weekends), I find her to be glowing in radiance, appearing more beautiful than ever! (Ok, ok, this is the beauty-lies-in-the-eyes-of-the-beholder thingy at work.) But the thought of not being able to see her for the next 5 days saddens my heart (church retreat on the next 3 days, plus 2 weekends; Argh!) Whatever it is, I still am looking forward to the day when I could proclaim my love for her to her.... :p

Okay, gotta continue organizing the minutes.... And yes, I've brought work home to do! Argh!!!!

Short of a boob job, I would have undergone "extreme makeover" within 3 hours today (sorry, that's sounds so sexist, but you get the point.) My colleagues were so astonished that I have my "beautiful" locks snipped, but said it would be better if I keep my hair short, and not sport a weird top-short-back-long style. So I hit off to the most dreaded place again (this time, a difficult shop) and have my hair trimmed again.... Sigh.....

And when I've returned to the office, and somehow they saw my trimmed hair (again), they came and commented that I looked "fresher" (ya, sounds as though they are buying veggies or fruits. duh!) One of them even commented that I'm looking my best ever since she has started working in the company! (So does that imply that I'm always in my worst? Arghh.......)

Leeanne tried to comfort my already shattered heart, saying "You look neater now, and Elena might like this fresh look."

"But I've always wanted to have my artistic characteristics to ooze out from my pores with my long hair!"

"You mean you are an artistic person?" Leeanne asked skeptically.

Whatever it is, I'm beginning to feel that my temper, my brain waves, my thinking process, etc, have all shortened after the cut! Argh!!!!!! *pound chest*

My mood is at the bottom of the abyss now (don't ask me how deep it is), not b'cos I've found out something about Elena which shakes my liking for her, but rather, my hair has been shorten by more than 50%.... Argh!!!!!

One of the places I loathe going to is the hairdressers'. I've always harbor this fear that the hairdresser would style my hair not as I've wished. And that fear finally materialized today.... :(

After having met Serling for lunch today (okay, she only had 2-3 helping of the soup), and after seeing her off to the train station, I went to the hairdressers' to have my hair thinned. I expressed my intent to the hairdresser attending to me, "I want to thin my hair, and keep the length intact. And trim the hair at the back of my head to be slightly above the collar."

"Would you like to trim the hair that's covering your ears as well?" She asked.

"Hmmm... yes, just a little."

As her scissors started snipping away happily, I was a bit astonished to see much of my hair being snipped. I thought she had employed a different technique to thin the hair, so I didn't question her (I can't see well at all since I'm short-sighted.) And after "enduring" through the trimming and washing, I was shocked to see my hair style to appear very different from what I've imagined. I reassured myself that the length was still there (just not visible from the mirror) and went off to pay at the cashier.

Once outside, I immediately tried pulling my hair to physically reassure myself that the length has not been shortened too much, but to my horror, it has! From the original 15-20cm, it became 8-10cm long! Argh!!! I wanted to cry out, but as I was in the midst of the crowd, I could only weep bitterly inside....

It'll be at least another 3 to 4 months' time before I visit the hairdressers' again. And the next time, I'll make sure the hairdresser know what the hell she's doing....

My hair!!!! Oh, my hair!!!! What wrongful death you've suffered!!!! Sob.... sob...... :(

Sigh.... (what a way to start a blog entry.... sigh....)

Elena's on leave till Thursday; and when she's back from hers, I'll be on half day leave on Friday to attend to some national security matters. And to make my heart grow fonder, I'll be on leave for 3 (not 1, not 2, but 3!!!) freaking days next week, 'cos I've signed up for the church's retreat. Oh Elena, to whom would your heart be given to? (Okay, that's kinda mushy.)

Anyway, have been reading a couple of user manuals these couple of days (and gosh, who on Naboo reads user manuals?), mainly b'cos I've just been transferred to another section, to assist them in the rolling out of new systems. I hope I would eventually be involved in the product program work, cos I think there's a market for such professionals (of course, if I somehow managed to complete the freaking difficult CFA exams, I would prefer to work as a financial analyst.) So far, the first system to be rolled out will Calypso, and for phase one, the project team has decided to push out the interest rate derivatives module first. This coming Tuesday, they'll also decide which margin trading system to adopt. Actually, I personally don't believe the conclusion will be out on Tuesday; in fact I think the meeting will be time wasting session, and I (most likely) have to sit through the whole thing, listening to them arguing!!!! Even the FairEx system requirement specifications has not been signed off, slipping off the first milestone by one week! I'm beginning to foresee myself working late (and hell no, over the weekend!) My worst fear? Not being able to create the opportunity to bump into Elena on the train in the evening...... Sigh......

Finally, I'm out of the nightmare.... er.... ordeal! No more late nights! No more "No"s to appointments! No more examinations!!! ....... That is until the next one creeps near.....

No wonder all my friends told me the dreadfulness of going through the sample exam questions - these samples make you realized that's still so much you haven't cover. And the best part is, the sample questions are nowhere similar to the actual ones - the actual is 10 fold more difficult!

After trying a sample exam paper yesterday noon, at around 5pm, I realized I needed to brush up on a lot of things, and hence I burnt yet another round of midnight oil, frenziedly going through the study material umpteen times. However, when I stopped at 4am so I could catch some sleep before the examinations, I suffered from insomnia! Of all times, why this?! I tried breathing slower, hoping the rhythmic process would help; but it didn't. I even resorted to counting sheep, which didn't help too! Argh!!!!! And when it was 6:30am, I could only resigned to the lousy turn of events, pull the wide-awake me out from bed, wash up and set off to the exam venue.

After being disoriented for quite some time outside the exam hall, I finally managed to get myself settled down at my designated desk. The exam finally started after a good 20-30 minutes of waiting, and the moment I flipped open the examination booklet, I nearly couldn't retrieve my jaws from the floor without appearing hysterical. Oh my gosh, the questions were so freaking hard! Other than trying my best to appear calm while attempting the questions, I also took some liberties in punching some numbers into the calculator and compute I-have-no-idea-what so as to appear smarter than I really am.

The torturous 3 hour ended sooner than I expected, and after a brief 1 hour break, the second round of torture began. And to make things worse than it could possibly be, I nearly fell asleep while attempting to understand the alien (literally!) question booklet in front of me. I guess I'll not be a good ambassador after all....

So, now that I've sat through state trial, I could only say: if I were to pass, it's because of His grace; fail, 'cos it's His blessings....

Somehow, I have a hunch that I'm going to make a dent in my pockets again, and the sequel to this nightmare is going to screen very soon......

My mood didn't really pick up today, due mainly to both what happened yesterday and the upcoming exam.

Sharon has reprimanded/Karine has pointed out to me that what I've committed so far in an unestablished relationship would only bring sorrow to myself if things don't turn out well. Courtesy from Sharon, I was given the title "an idealistic oaf" yesterday.

"what is there to be unfair about? ur problem is.. you are COMMITTING EVEN before a relationship.... who needs u to commit now? why must u be loyal now? be fair to yourself...."

"why shouldn't i?"

"because you are being STUPID. u are idealistic.... thinking that by doing so.. u are doing her a favor.. doing other girls a favor..... but NOT doing yourself a favor.. and for all you know.. she dosen't care about your commitment... and u are not being fair to other girls because u have not given them a chance.. or yourself a chance for that matter"

"stupid and i shall be.... i'm sure someone will appreciate it......"

"ok..persist in your idiotic stubbornness... if you get left on the shelf at 35.. u can only blame your stupid idealistic mentality"

"but when she cares, she'll be happy that i'm committed....."

"when she cares.. it's NOT too late to be committed.... right now.....it's your right not to be committed... if u do.. u are depriving yourself of other chances..."

As for Karine, she told me if things don't turn out well, I would only hurt myself after all the commitment of all my efforts on Elena. "You have not even establish a proper friendship with Elena yet, and by the way you're expending your energy on her, you'll find it difficult to pull yourself out if things don't turn out well."

I thank them for their concern for me, but I guess it's just me - an idealistic oaf. I know by His time, he'll show me who He has prepared; but I also know that I can't just sit around and wait for her to drop from the sky. Inasmuch as I would as I would love to have Elena develop a liking for me instantaneously, it is just not possible for that to happen. Thus, I have to be proactive, not in the sense of "lending Him a helping hand".

I would really like to make myself hers.....

"Hi, not lunching?" I asked Elena when I noticed she was alone at her desk.

"Yes. Later."

"Busy?"

"Yes."

"Oh well..." and I walked off, with somewhat a heavy heart as she seemed to be very indifferent, answering my questions merely out of courtesy.

I shouldn't and don't want to give up. She might be really busy; nevertheless, my mood hit rock-bottom today... :(

Well, not exactly 100% covered, but I've finally completed going through the CFA material once through. Actually, I've read through the ethics portion, way back in Feb or Mar this year, and the impression I have is that I just have to choose the most morally correct answer. Not exactly a good way to tackle these ethics-related questions but at least it's still a tactic I can apply... :P

As for the portfolio management topic, most of the questions are actually quantitative methods repackaged. Other than a few theories discussed here and there, I would consider myself having gone through the material.

I hope my revision will "trigger" my brain to recall the stuff that I've studied, and apply them on the right questions.... Going through 888 pages each for 2 nights as revision may seemed to be a tall task, which I hope it'll not be that a daunting task......

4 more hours prior the opportunity to bump into Elena.... :)

This weekend is one that I both do and do not look forward to. It's one that will end all the crazy, energy draining and mind-boggling late night study sessions. And it's also the irritating beast that is breathing down my neck, and making me to frantically climb the steep learning curve which I'm supposed to have conquered, say, 2 weeks ago....

Although coverage has reached the 88.38% mark, it's only a false indicative figure. This morning, the question "What are the components in capital budgeting?" posed by Jennifer has already sent chills down my spine.

"Oh shucks! I think it includes long-term debts, and, er..... equities."

"Including preferred stock?"

"No, I don't think so. I remembered I always have to exclude preferred stocks when doing the computations, which I can't recall what that computation is for."

"Are you sure?"

"Okay, what are the options given in the MCQ?"

I had to resort to the elimination process to give the answer, and frankly speaking, it shows how unprepared I'm still am at this point in time.

What am I to do? I think I can only continue to study the remaining material, which I hope to cover all by this evening, start revision on Thursday and Friday evenings, and do the sample exam questions on Saturday. A perfect plan, to be executed by an imperfect mortal.

No prize for guessing, it's 4 more days for me to meet my Maker.

And in the spirit of Star Wars: "Use your brain, my young apprentice. May your brain be with you." [Duh!]

It's kinda fascinating how the content of an email evolve. The original read,

Harlow,

I'm SL, the person who introduced himself to you last week. My friend has forwarded a puzzle @ http://www.fasco-csc.com/works/crimson/crimson_e.php It's quite interesting. Hope you'll enjoy it when you are free.

God bless,
SL


And after the input of several of my colleagues (Catherine, Karine, and John), it evolved to,

Harlow,

Still remember me?? anyway my friend forwarded this puzzle @ http://www.fasco-csc.com/works/crimson/crimson_e.php
It's interesting, have a break, try it and see whether you can escape from this room.

Enjoy... :)

God bless,
SL


I can't believe I'm so lousy at this!

Oh, it's my first email to Elena.... :)

Extremely unproductive on Monday evening.... I MUST PULL UP MY SOCKS TODAY!!!!

Thanks for letting me scream.... :)

[5 more days to meet my Maker...]

Didn't study at all on Friday evening, cos I wasn't feeling well, and quite a lot of time was wasted solving the Crimson Room and Viridian Room puzzles.

Anyway, covered 144 pages this morning, and hence I'm at the 79.15% total coverage mark! Another 20.85% to go!

But prior to that, it's better for me to go wash up now, have a sumptuous breakfast, and make my way to church!

Yesterday's ice-breaking has opened a whole array of opportunities for me. The options are so vast and the only limiting factor is my imaginations (plus courage.) Unfortunately, my imaginations are limited to the manga-style impracticality.

Nevertheless, I found out that she was on duty again (which leads to the conclusion: she'll be on duty again in 4 weeks' time.) And after a really brief lunch(-in), 'cos I dropped one serving on the floor, I decided to go to her desk and introduce myself to her.

"Hi. On duty again?"

I think she was a bit shocked 'cos of my unexpected appearance. She quickly re-composed herself and replied, "Yes."

I noticed that she had 2 pieces of papers, highlighted all over, and she seemed to be deeply engrossed in her work before I broke her concentration. Oops...

"Busy? Oh yes, I've yet to introduce myself," and with my hand stretching over the partition, "I'm SL. And yes, don't be mistaken, I'm a local, no doubt my name sounds very foreign."

"Oh... SL," and (I think) while she was trying to register my difficult-to-pronounce name, she said, "I'm Elena."

"E-lain-na?" feigning the ignorance (Father, forgive me.)

"Elena." She repeated. (For a record, the name "Elena" originated from Spain, and she didn't seem to be pronouncing it the Spanish way. Anyway, my pronunciation could be wrong too.)

For a moment, silence (once again) transcended, and not wanting to turn the atmosphere into an awkward one, I quickly asked her which jurisdiction she's in charge of.

"U.K. and Swiss." She replied. Notice that all her answers were SSS (simple, short and sweet.)

"Oh, I thought you are supporting CY."

"I'm her back-up. We're actually partners." Finally, a reply with more than 5 words.

"Are you busy?"

"Yes, kind of."

"Oh... Ok, I shan't disturb you then. Enjoy!" And when I saw her subway sandwich still intact at one corner of her desk, I quickly commented, "Hmmm, I see that you still haven't taken your lunch."

She smiled and I vanished out of her sight.

Even though, the whole incident sounds kinda awkward (and maybe even unnatural), but the most important thing is: we are now "officially" acquainted.... :)

Finally, I'm going to start digging through the LAST CFA text this evening. That leaves me with 514 pages worth of text to go through (343 pages from book 5, 71 pages from portfolio management, and 100 pages from the ethnics topic.) 71.04% coverage, how's that for a change from the dire situation I was at the beginning of the week?

But all these at the cost of my sleep... Gotta sleep now.... It's 15 minutes to 6... in the morning!

I've finally broken the ice!

When I was going out to buy lunch, I was very disappointed for not seeing her at desk despite the fact that I went off quite early. While I was on my way back to the office, waiting at the lift lobby, Elena appeared with her lunch pack on her hands. Apparently, she was also going to lunch in. My heartbeat increased rapidly, and my mind was thrown into confusion. Should I break the ice? What should I say? But underneath these tidal waves, I was very clear that This is THE opportunity!

We took the same lift, but I was still very disoriented. It was until a good 30 seconds have elapsed after we got off the lift did I finally mustered my courage, picked up my pace and broke the ice.

"Hi!"

"Oh, hi!" she responded. (Oh my gosh, her rosy cheeks made her looked so beautiful.)

"Lunching in? Are you on [desk] duty today?"

"Yah."

Then panic ran through my veins as I didn't what to say next. Ask her name? I thought.

"Er.... Are you going to take part in the cross country run?" I asked, breaking the silence between us while we were both on our way back to our desks.

"No, I'm not."

"Oh. Why? I saw that you took part in the JP Morgan run." my feeble attempt to lengthen the conversation. (And yes, I was so nervous that my sentence constructs were all out of place!)

"Oh. I took part in it out of fun."

"Oh.... Oh well, enjoy your lunch." I said, as she has reached her desk.

"Thanks." and she smiled.

Oh yes! Finally, I've broken the ice. Despite that I was stammering throughout the brief conversation, I am very happy that she didn't display any hint of disgust/irritation; and that she DID turned her head and looked at me when she replied.

Oh my gosh, what am I going to do next? I'm so excited now, and my most of my tiredness are now dispelled!

Elena, thanks so much for the attention you have given me.

God, thanks so much for the opportunity you have given me. Thank you for the words you have put in my mouth when I was at a loss of words. Thank you in Jesus' name.

Officially, I've now covered 64.62% of the texts (excluding the portfolio management topic.) Very slow progress this morning (considering that I started at around 12:30am) but have a good grasp of the stuff studied, so I think the price paid today will reap great benefits during revision.

Contemplating not to sleep today, but if I were to stay up throughout the whole morning, my mum will start nagging.... Guess it's time for me to go and "meet" Elena in my dreams.....

Good... er.... er.... good morning! :)

Another new insight today has made me a happier person - Elena's a Christian!

Karine found out this when she asked Elena's colleague, Francisca. What's more, Karine also found out Elena's still single and available, a 2-month old info which is still true till now!

Now, I just need to uncover the lost secret of breaking the ice...

(Nope, I didn't request Karine to find out all these for me. She happened to see Francisca, and so decided to just pop the question. But I'm still eternally grateful to her for her kind concern.)

Feeling very sleepy now.... It was sheer willpower that kept me (mostly) awake through the entire morning in the office (although I think God did give me the strength to sustain too)... And the sight of Elena, who seemed to have recovered from her illness, made me a happier person too, rather than transforming into a grouchy old man deprived of sleep...

Anyway, realized that I shouldn't skip the portfolio management topic... The emphasis on the topic isn't that high - 5% weightage, which translates to 12 questions out of 240. But by just studying 71 pages, I should be able to, optimistically, answer those 12 questions! That means, for every 5-6 pages that I've studied for this topic, I could answer 1 question. Requires lesser effort but reaps great potential benefits! Kudos for still being able to rationalize with a tired mind, I must say.

And now, I wonder whether my energy level would be sufficient to go through another round of late night study session this evening... I think I just need to find that hidden health potion...

Oh, please excuse me for the moment, I need to take a power nap now....

Henshin-a-go-go, baby! As at 3:10am today, I've finally covered 1051 pages worth of CFA exams material! That translates to 59.21% of the total required reading!

And I'm going to start spotting questions, not in the conventional sense - dropping the topic on portfolio management in favor for asset valuations - that means I can ignore (sadly, only) 71 pages on portfolio management. And if I include these 71 pages in the coverage computation, I've covered a whopping 1123 pages, which is equivalent to 63.268%!

Haha..... clever self-deception in action!

Henshin-a-go-go, baby!

* Henshin-a-go-go, baby! is sorta a battle-cry of a character, Joe, in the video game series Viewtiful Joe.

Alas, my hopes of bumping into Elena were dashed when I saw her still working at her desk when I left for home. Poor her, have to rush her work despite being under the weather. Wish I could share her workload (which I can't, since we work in different sections.) Anyway, that would also mean it's perfectly okay for us to start an office romance, since in no way will our relationship affect our priorities in work. Smack me hard to wake me up! Stop dreaming and work on breaking the ice first!

Truth to be told, I've only covered about 95 pages of the CFA material in the last 3 days. What have I been doing instead? Everything else except studying. Most of the time, I was either sleeping or playing the game Spider (comes with Windows XP.) I even gave my good friend a call and ended up chit-chatting for over an hour last evening. Most of my studies actually took place after last midnight.

I think my mind has tuned itself to function at its fullest only on weekday evenings (more precisely, after midnights.) I did try studying on weekend mornings, noons, evenings and even after midnight, but empirical results show that I simply can't study on weekends or any time before weekday midnights. Even when I tried to do so diligently, most of the time, the material just don't sink in (so, how diligent would that be? Hmmm.....)

Anyway, another 11 more days of formula- and theory-hell to endure through.... :p

I believe this morning I was on the same train with Elena (okay, to give a benefit of doubt, at most one train before her.) I've prepared myself since last weekend to muster the courage, go up to her and break the ice. But alas, Jennifer advised me not to, 'cos after all, we barely know each other. Even my friend ruggles said, "if we already like the person, we'll b happy being greeted. if not, u'll end up freaking the person out."

But within merely 3 hours, I'm sorta given 2 chances to break the ice, I'm feeling kinda regretful for not being able to even say hi to her. No doubt, it would most likely be an act of impulse, but still..... 2 unused chances! Argh!!!

Why am I so lousy at this? I could only now hope to bump into her this evening...

And I hope she'll be cured from her cough soon too...

[Tips, anyone?]

I think I've reached my saturation point.... I'm so sick of all the material in the CFA texts, and gosh, with the nitty-gritty details overwhelming my every waking moment, I wonder how did the candidates in the past manage to wade through this formula-hell?

The thought of giving up and take the year-end paper instead crossed my mind. If I were to take that route, that means I would have to forfeit the examination fees already paid, and make another payment for the December paper. The thought of giving up is stupid enough, but not trying is a classic act of insanity (well, since it's already paid for, just take the exam!) After all, the possibility of pulling through this ordeal is always likely with a stroke of luck.

Sigh...

Felt like watching a movie last night despite the lack of time for studying... Booked a ticket online and off I went to the cinema to catch Star Wars 3: Revenge of the Sith. I'm no Star Wars fan, but the reason for choosing this movie is for the sake of completing the series. And I must say, to my surprise, Yoda is one of the most kick-ass characters!

Oh well, as I was contemplating whether to watch a movie or not, I felt the need to have a friend to go catch the movie with. I called DJ, but he said he has already arranged with some other friends of his to watch the movie with; I left a message for Adrian, and he didn't reply, so I reckoned he was already sound asleep. Then, I asked Sharon when I saw her on ICQ.

Well, she sounded reluctant when I asked her, since she isn't a Star Wars fan to begin with (she has not watched even a single episode of the series!) She suggested Kingdom of Heaven instead, but when she "discovered" that I actually wanted to watch a midnight show yesterday, she turned down the invitation 'cos she has classes to attend today.

During our exchange of messages, Sharon asked [the obvious] why I didn't ask Elena instead. On one hand, we are not friends per se; on the other, I think it is always a very bad idea to ask the person I love to watch a(n) sci-fi/action movie on the first few dates (and maybe even subsequent ones, depending on her likings.) Then Sharon remarked, "so i stand in gf until she knows u?"

I was quite taken aback when she said this. I started off with the intention of finding a companion to go the movies with, but these words were a hit in my face. When have I developed the habit of going to the movies with a companion? I used to go alone since Y2K.... Must be the recent movie outings with DJ and gang! But then again, when Sharon said "Elena lives [somewhere] nearer [to you]", I did felt the desire to be able to go out with her, to enjoy the little things in life, to share every moment together...

Looks like it's a wake up for me; I must buck up and act on my passion for her!

Listening to Donna Lewis' I'll Love You Always Forever..... No doubt an aging song, but hey, oldies sound good too!

It's a song that make one feel good/look forward to the love of their life... The sweetness exuding from Donna's vocals brings forth, to me at least, a sweet innocence of falling in love... the urge to proclaim the love to your spouse/boy/girl-friend at the top of your lungs......

Now, if only Elena's the one..... :p

I'm feeling very tired now.... almost totally drained after burning the midnight oil last night.... I couldn't believe I managed to stay up till so late (read: early?) and still have the energy to endure through the whole day... I don't think I'll make much sense in this entry....

I have a penchant for songs with a tone of decadent... No particular reason why.... just like the way the song is played/sung.... Perhaps, in a way, they would draw me into a world, though temporal, that's so different from the one I reside in.... the seedy side of the real world whch for all my life I have been protected from.... a side I sometimes desire to tumble into, to experience the 'forbidden'.... but I know I won't be able to pull myself out from the fall into the abyss....

And here I go again, after a short 2-hour nap, burning the midnight oil....

Didn't bump into Elena today.... (Oh my gosh, can I stop thinking about her?!) And last night's (and once again to be precise, this morning's) study left quite a strong hangover effect..... Less than 5 hours of sleep everyday, and I've only covered about 44% of the material... Can't even think how I'm gonna brave through this "storm"....

And nope, I can't get her off my mind... I want to be with her so much!!!! :p

Finally, after a long, unwanted delay, I greeted Elena this morning! It doesn't matter whether her greeting was done purely out of courtesy (since that would most likely be the case), I'm still kinda happy. Yes, I'm a sucker at this, but then, can't I just indulge in my simple happiness?

On the other hand, I'm also quite angry with myself. Just like what OWL has commented, I'm no longer a 16 year-old teenager! No doubt, I still feel the joy of a love blossoming within me (gasp! at my age!) the same way a teenager do, but shouldn't an old man like myself be doing better than this?

In any case, I believe this morning's encounter was one given by God, so I shouldn't ask for more... In time to come, I'll know what His will is... :)

A little makeover for the blog.... for the time-being, that is..... I'll try to do a complete makeover after my exams.

Anyway, I don't know if this is a cruel joke played on me (Nay! God isn't cruel...) but today, I bumped into Elena again while I was making my way to the Gents. I was deep in thoughts on how to solve a design problem and she was, I think, collecting some documents from another department. Anyway, I saw her, but as all my available resources were hogged by the design problem, I couldn't react fast enough to greet her with a smile. However, I think she took a very short glance (yes, I know glances are short in nature, but this is a super short one), looked away and turned towards the direction to the Ladies. Well, what is that supposed to mean? Had she already set her course to the Ladies before she saw me? Was it done in the nature of avoidance? Whatever it is, I'm more concerned with the question "God, what are you trying to tell me?"

I came to realize that I've unconsciously put in too much focus on a person I barely know (other than her age, her martial status, the area she lives in and her favorite color.) Am I digging yet another abyss to fling myself into [again]? I wish I could say no, but the truth is, I think I am doing the very thing that has hurt me in the past, although this time the situation is more dire than ever (remember, we barely know each other.)

Am I now trying to convince myself to stop this headlong rush towards yet another heart-breaking ending? I hope not too. I don't wish to give up this time; not for the mindless reason of just-wanna-get-attached, but 'cos this is the first time [I think] that I'm acting on my feelings actively. (In the past, I would usually take a long time to observe the person I was fond of, fall in love with her secretly for at least a year before confessing my feelings. And that confession usually ended with another year-long recovery period before I started looking for another.) I have always wanted to love another person, to share my life with, and to spend the rest of my life with. And this time, somehow, I've come to my senses that hey-you-need-to-be-proactive. Besides, I think Elena will make a good partner to live till ripe old age with. ;)

Anyway, I have no idea why my sociable and easy-going nature are all hibernating when I needed them most. I could easily chat with some colleagues I don't even work with, with new faces in the church, or even children? Ok, I'm stretching a tad too far with the children portion, but still, why am I so tongue-tied whenever I see her (or generally, the gals I like)?

After all these years of loving another secretly (yes, useless me!), I've handicapped myself in the ability to proactively court and express my feelings for someone I like. I'm doing worse than a teenager in love, and recently, I kept asking around for the adult-way-of-courtship! How bad can things get? Sigh.......

Whatever it is, my best bet now is to trust in God...............

Okay, I don't know how I should blog about this but anyway I'll try. And here it goes.

As mentioned in a previous entry, I believe Elena might be the one He has prepared. But nonetheless, this is just my perception with which the probability of it being wrong is equally high.

Today, after shutting down my pc, I went off with an anticipatory heart [as usual] of bumping into Elena. When I discovered that she has already left, I hastened my pace, in hope that the time elapsed was not too great, and so that I could genuinely bump into at the train station. With each zipping through the crowd in front, my eyes scanned diligently for her, and of course, I still didn't see her when I've finally reached the station platform.

Oh well, she must have taken the train that just left. But deep within me, I still held the tiny hope of bumping into her somehow...

With the reality that the next home-bound train was approaching within a minute's time, my mind had coaxed my heart to give up that tiny hope. But praise be to God, I saw Elena making her way down the escalator! However, she didn't walk towards my direction; instead she turned and made her way towards the other end of the platform (why she was slower than me is really beyond me.) Inside me, my heart was beating furiously, and all thoughts racing through my puny mind, each vying to be chosen as the action I would act on.

This is THE chance! and with that thought, I made my way towards her.

The crowd was really huge, and I was looking frantically for her in the sea of people. My search ended shortly, as I've finally found her trying to board the already jam-packed cabin. I was hoping deep in my heart that she couldn't board the train, and hence I would have the perfect opportunity of going over and say hi. Alas, somehow, she managed to.

Oh gosh! Should I try to squeeze with them? Should I board another cabin and make my way to her when most of the passengers have alighted?

The split second I've lost on coming to a course of action, the hesitation on whether to board the train proved too costly, and as the train door shut behind her, I was left lying in my disappointments.

Giving the benefit of doubt on whether she saw me as she was making her way down from the escalator, I was filled with regrets on my hesitations. No, I truly want to be acquainted to her, discovering for myself whether she really is the one God has prepared. But somehow, my desire to know her left me wallowing in my own regrets.

While onboard another train, I prayed silently for God to still my heart, to wait before Him, and to allow Him to reveal His intentions in His own time, in His own pace. I was filled with struggles - struggles from the urge to wrestle control away from Him and from trying to "turn" God into a genie to fulfill my whines.

I remembered how Gibeon tested God when God wanted to raise him as a judge over His people (Jdg 6:17, 37, 39) and I saw myself falling into the same sin. The conflicts within me was too great for me to handle initially, but slowly, the conflicts subsided.

When I have arrived my destination, incidentally Elena's too (I think), I was still filled with hope that I would bumped into her, since the passengers were still slowly making their way down the platform via the 3 exits. Alas, I didn't see her anyway and with a low hung head, I made my way for home, and while on my way, I derived 2 arguments.

One of the arguments goes like this. If Elena's not the one God has prepared for me, the hints He has dropped are kinda obvious. "Give up, my child. She is not the one for you. See, you were so near, yet so far. I've allowed this to happen so you will see for yourself that she is not the one. Wait before me and the answer you seek will be revealed to you." I imagine these would be the words God would say to me. "You are not ready yet."

On the other hand, I believe Elena is really the one God has prepared for me; just that God is actually taking His time and pace to reveal this to me. He has already shown me she is the one through the walkathon event, her acknowledgement of me, and her greeting this morning. Every time when I try to take things with my own hands, my efforts would all go wasted. I've come to the conclusion that God is trying to tell me subtly, "Wait before me. I've shown you the one I've prepared, but only when you've truly submit yourself to me will I then give her to you."

And only God alone knows, so what a puny human like myself has to do? I guess I just have to continue trying to submit to Him, not in exchange for her, but in response to Jesus' love for us.

Inasmuch as I would like to spend the rest of my life with Elena, I will [try my best to] submit to Him, wait before Him, and be filled by His unconditional love.

This morning, as I was walking to another department to collect some reports, I bumped into Andrew (a FIG guy) and chatted with him as we made our way. Then as we were just outside the pantry, Elena popped out (from where else but the pantry!), she smiled and said "Good morning!" Now a perfectly simple situation has been complicated, 'cos the moment I saw her, I was at a loss on what to do (argh!!!), though I responded [instinctively] with a smile (best universal response for most situation.)

The question is: was she greeting us or just Andrew?

I'm at a loss now..... argh!!!!

With, let me see, 25 days more to the examination, and with having covered only about 30% of the material, I guess I'm marching into my own grave, witnessing how I would perish with my own eyes.

And to add to the dire situation, I'm actually still concerned with the issue on getting acquainted with Elena. I think there isn't many fools (or rather idiots) around who don't know how to prioritize. For the umpteenth time, I admit I'm a hopeless fool/idiot.

Shockingly, I kinda enjoy this sorta pressure that's mounting on me (especially the study), 'cos somehow I've made my cobwebbed brain functioning [almost] at its fullest. But I have to pay the price with a brain fully active prior bedtime, thus resulting semi-insomnia and hence a diminishing amount of visitation hours to Dreamland....

Haha, made a mistake this noon while blog.... I didn't cover about 16% of the material.... Coupled with the amount of material I've covered for the night, total coverage has reached about 26%!!!!

Looks like the situation is not that despairing after all! :D

Yesterday, my friend passed me the final 2 CFA textbooks. To my horror, my assumptions that these 2 books were past-year examination questions was quickly invalidated the moment I saw that one of the titles was actually "Derivatives and Alternative Investments"! So that means, I will only have one book on past year exam questions to practice on, and an increase of 375 pages worth of material to study! Oh my gosh! Effectively, that means, as of now, I've only covered about 16% of the materials! Help!!!

I had my fair share of cheap thrills this morning while I was going to collect some daily reports. I saw Elena making her way towards her desk, together with her colleagues. Not wanting to waste any chance, I tried my best to appear calm, looked at her politely and smiled. I don't know whether it was a lingering smile she had given to her colleagues (walking beside her), but the moment her head turned and our eyes made contact, she was smiling (at me?) too....

Elena, when can I be acquainted to you?

[By the way, does anyone think that walking up to her desk to befriend her is a bad idea?]

Elena has been on my mind for the past couple of days. Slowly, but surely, I'm beginning to believe she's the one (yes, I know, all these are 'made-beliefs').... For the past 2 days, my desire to know intensified and I waited for her to knock off at the train station, but on both accounts, she didn't appear after a good 30-45 minutes' wait. Oh, poor Elena.... She had to work overtime.... How I wish I could share her workload and relieve her of her stacking tasks.... I hope she'll get her deserved rest during the weekends....

I'm not exactly done with book 1 of the CFA text (specifically, the Schweser Study Notes), 'cos I didn't try memorizing the formulas in the last 2 chapters on Hypothesis Testing and Correlation and Regression. I have a rough idea how things work, but given a problem, I don't think I would know how to solve it. Sigh.....

Anyway, I'm kinda sick studying probabilities, so I guess I might as well move on to the other texts first.

And my discipline to study is starting to wane.... oh my gosh, I need divine help desperately!

This morning, I had to drag myself out of the cozy bed at 6:30am, cos I've participated in a walk, organized by the association which my company's chairman happens to be the chairman of it. It's quite obvious initially I didn't sign up willingly. If not for my department head's "invitation", I see no reason disrupting my much needed weekly beauty sleep on a weekend. Alas, all this turned out to be a blessing in disguise (at least I think it's a blessing.)

I set off with an eager heart to the rendezvous point for the walk and I bumped into one of my colleagues, Leeanne. I went to give her a hand cos she was pushing the strollers alone. Her two daughters, Rae and Kae, are very cute and I had some fun playing with them while we waited for Leeanne's husband to park the car. However, at times, I would stand up and look around, only to find my heart sinking slowly into depression.

Leeanne told me a couple of days ago that my dream gal was participating too. Now that clears the cloud why I was so enthusiastic about the walk. "If she's not here, then that would defeat the purpose why I come here in the first place!" I said sullenly to Leeanne.

After the flag off, there was still no sign of her. Leeanne's husband arrived a little later, and we set off to catch up with the crowd when he was back parking his car. Along the way, while we were chit-chatting, I still kept a constant look out for Elena (yup, that's her name.) Even though I had a lot of fun playing with Rae and Kae (mainly Kae), my moods wasn't lifted up as much as it should.

After about a good 20-30 minutes walk, we started bumping into familiar faces, as they were making their way back to the starting point to collect their vehicles. We bumped into Georgina, my lecturer back in polytechnic days, her children and her husband, who is my boss' boss. Then we saw Vincent, another colleague, making his way back. "Another 5-10 minutes walk, you'll reach the end point," Vincent pointed out to us helpfully.

Actually, my spirits picked up when we saw Georgina and family (yup, I'm more intimately acquainted to Georgina than to her husband) 'cos I realized there might still be a glimmer of hope bumping into Elena!

"Hmmm, there don't seem to be any FIG (Financial Institute Group, a division in the company) people participating," Leeanne remarked. And almost as soon as these words were uttered, we saw a number of the FIG people, and even the head of the treasury, Terence.

There isn't any twist in this account. We finally bumped into Elena, retracing her steps with her colleagues.

The red t-shirt she was wearing looked so beautiful on her. (For a record, all participants were given a bright red t-shirt with a small yellow imprint on the chest area in front, and a big white, ugly imprint on the back.) I gestured "Hi!" to her and [I think I saw] her smiled. Oh, the main reason why she noticed me was because I didn't wear the red t-shirt given; I was wearing a white Hard Rock Tee instead since it would be much easier for her to notice me (and that shows I'm quite a good tactician.) My morning trip has made itself worth at that very moment.

Since we don't really know each other, we carried on our way, and I shared my joy with Leeanne and her husband (actually I didn't really got his name; that's so embarrassing of me.) And I turned around and looked at Elena's direction again. Wow, I must be dreaming then. I saw Elena turning her face and looking at my direction!

For numerous times in the office, I kept bumping into her in the morning, and every time, she would look at the floor when she saw me, and I've never talked to her (except for one isolated incident when she was asking the whereabouts of another colleague of mine, Karine, as she was supposed to show an attached personnel to Karine.) Hard as I've tried to break the ice, there wasn't any opportune situation except for yet another one isolated incident a few months back which we dumped into each other on the train on our way home! (And sadly, I didn't make use of that chance!)

Optimistically assessing how things turned out today, I believe it would be easier to be acquainted to her in the near future.... :)

CFA is hardcore... It's not something one would foolishly think he could comprehend within 6 weeks... Yet I'm foolish enough (with more to spare) to attempt this suicidal challenge.... Anyway, I'm not going to study tonight.... A good rest in between will surely reap benefits in the long run.... After all, a tired mind can only digest so much.... (Just an update, I think I've covered 10% of the material, so I've got to pull up my socks.)

Anyway (again), I've just came back from cell group gathering, and we did one interesting exercise. I would like to invite you to do it too.....

Without referring to any material, relying purely on your memories, write down the names of all the books in the Bible (that's 66 books), if possible, in sequence.

I scored 24 [out of 39] in the OT section, and 22 [out of 27] in the NT. Most are not in sequence, so I guess I've to work a little harder to study His words.... :)

Good night!

Argh.... I'm now digging through the statistics texts, and gosh, there are so many formulas to learn (and memorize)! I can't imagine how I could possible wade through all these madness by end this week. I couldn't recall when was the last time I was so mentally stretched. Last night, I studied till 2am but my brain was so active, I couldn't sleep for at least an hour! Not only that, I think I was half-awake, and had the weirdest dream in my life (so far). Wanna compare? Except for a handful few, I think I would win hands-down on this. Now get this: I dreamt of all the formulas I have learnt last night! Talk about nightmare! How about that?

Anyway, I am still trying to read the Bible, and currently, I'm at the book of 2nd Samuel, chapter 15. I've a lot of queries but I guess I don't have the time now to blog about it.... After my CFA exams, perhaps..... :)

Another 40 days to my big day - the great CFA examination! No prize for guessing, I've only completed 2 chapters (about 94 pages) of the texts required for reading, and I still have approximately another 1306 pages to cover! Putting that in a more dire way to look at it, I've only covered about 6.71% of the texts! And these do not include the 2 sample/mock examination question books.

So in order to complete my studies, that means I have to cover at least 33 pages per day for the next 40 days. But this is suicidal, since I can't still be studying on the eve of the examination, and I think I would need the time to do some revision. That means, it would be preferable to cover at least 66 pages per day, so that I would have the other half of the remaining time for both revision and contingent study sessions. Fanatic study schedules, and I think I really have to give up a lot of my social life to complete this uphill task, so as not to waste the money paid for this examination.

Pray for me, ya?

I know I shouldn't comment on this but I just couldn't help it.

First, the voting was shrouded in unnecessary secrecy (Yahoo! news link), with which more confusion was thrown in when the stupid bell did not ring as expected. Then the crowd chanted his name in response to his speech. A good measure of jubilation was felt by the crowd (and I'm sure countless more in other parts of the world when they received the news.) But I couldn't help doubting him when he described himself as "a simple, humble worker" (for goodness sake, no humble man would ever describe himself as humble!) And to add to the already frenzied mix, an awakening country in Asia joins in the "fun", asking him to "break the ties and stay out of our business".

At first I was kinda amused when one of my colleagues was watching the "live" telecast on the election of the new pope. At first, the video feed window occupied about 1/5 of the monitor, which later he made it full-screen. He was looking intently at the chimney and he became very excited when he saw white smoke coming out of it. (The reason why he was watching the video feed during office hours is not difficult to guess, but that's a different "rant" altogether.) He then proclaimed hysterically "White smoke! White smoke!" and I quickly became kinda irritated by him.

My short-lived amusement soon turned into skepticism (may I say "disgust"?) after I thought through this whole thing for some time. I thought I was the only one feeling this way, but I guess I'm not since quite a number seem to share my view. C.H. Spurgeon wrote a short article on his view of Papacy. In his article/comment, he said

Christ did not redeem his church with his blood that the pope .... a poor sinner, a mere man, should be set upon high to be admired by all the nations, and to call himself God's representative on earth. Christ has always been the Head of the church.

C.H. Spurgeon

And, the whole voting process is so paganish! Why must they use of the different colored smoke to announce the results when all they needed to do was to just "come out and tell the whole world"? Back in the olden days, perhaps this was the best method to inform the people who were living quite a distance away from the church, but with the advance of technology, the result could be just announced with just one keystroke, namely the Enter key! (Okay, to be fair, 3 to 4 keystrokes. N-O-[Enter] or Y-E-S-[Enter]). And the broadcasting technologies are also so advanced that "hello you just need to speak into the microphone and the whole world will know"! Is this level of secrecy necessary? Why the secrecy then? To raise the stakes for bets? Oh yes, the stupid bell didn't ring and I'm sure millions of people must have held their breath for quite some time. (I hope none held their breath for a good 15 minutes and died in the process.)

I'm not too sure on this, but I don't think when Jesus entered Jerusalem was there so much jubilation felt, as compared to the appearance of this new pope. Luckily (for this new pope), Jesus isn't jealous over this kind of fanfare; otherwise, I dare not imagine what would have happened to him the moment he stepped out. Of course, as mentioned, how credible would you think a person is when he describes himself as "a simple, humble worker"? No humble man describes himself as humble, and when one does, I'm sure a lot of us would feel very skeptical about his personality; only the insane would feel otherwise (oops, did I just insulted millions of people?)

The Roman Catholic Church has had a deep influence in politics in the past, and it seems like she still has now. China, currently the fastest growing country (in terms of economy), wants the Catholic Church not to interfere with the China-Taiwan "family issues" (or else what? Declare war with them?) And the big bully (not US, I'm referring to China) is clenching her juggernaut fists, demanding outrageously. I could be wrong about the Catholic Church's influence, and I hope I'm wrong; otherwise, the Catholic Church would be of no difference to the politicians of the world (other than the fact that she's operating from the religious angle, as well as her ability to call for people of different nationalities, for her political motives.)

This election of the pope is in startling resemblance to the history of the Israelites' request to enthrone a king over them to lead them (Sam 8:6). God knew their true intent for it is recorded:

And the LORD told him: "Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king.

Sam 8:7

So is the election of the pope somehow an expression of the Catholics rejecting God like the Israelites did? I hope not, but their actions (for example, their chanting, which went "Viva il Papa!" or in plain English - "Long live the pope!") seem to indicate otherwise.

Whatever it is, I wonder if the Catholics know they are directly accountable to God Himself, and not to the pope. Yes, I'm sure if I were to pose this question to them, the answer I would receive would unanimously be "yes, we know", but I doubt they could really differentiate the truth and their irrational beliefs.

PS: This is not meant to start a flame between the Catholics and Christians. I'm just recording my thoughts.... :)

Incredibly, it took me just one day (slightly over an hour, to be exact) to read through the book of Joshua. [The word "incredibly" seems to have appeared incredibly a lot of time in my blog entries, and how can I be exact when I say "slightly over an hour"? Incredible....]

Anyway, my crappy jokes aside, the book of Joshua feels like, dare I say, a game of Risk! The first 12 chapters mainly recounts the conquering of Canaan by the Israelites (not forgetting the narrative of Rahab's role in an early war account, and how Achan from the Judah tribe brought the wrath of God upon his people due to his theft of the things which were supposed to be devoted to God), and chapters 13 to 21 describes, in detail, the division of the lands to the 12 tribes*. Chapter 22 recounts the episode of the westerners (i.e. the Reubenites, Gadites and half-tribe of Manasseh) set up an altar which brought about the anger of the easterners (anyway, the altar was meant to serve as evidence for the descendants that the westerners were related in to the easterners, with which the explanation settled the dispute.) The last 2 chapters records the warning and renewing of the covenant with God by Joshua before "he breathed his last".

The main reason why I was able to complete the reading within such short time could be attributed to my skimming through the land distribution accounts. Since I wasn't marking out the borders on any map, I found no reasons to go through meticulously the land distribution narrations. All I need to know is that the Reubenites, Gadites and the half-tribe of Manasseh resided on the west side of the Jordan river (hence, the "westerners"), while the rest on (where else?) the east of Jordan (aka the "easterners".)

There are 2 issues which I couldn't figure while reading Joshua. First of all, it is episode on the deception of the Gibeonites.

The men of Israel sampled their provisions but did not inquire of the LORD. Then Joshua made a treaty of peace with them to let them live, and the leaders of the assembly ratified it by an oath.

Jos 9:14-15 (emphasis mine.)

Why didn't they "inquire of the LORD"? Is this a foreshadow of the rebellion of the Israelites against God? Why is it that they made an oath when the second commandment states that

You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.

Exo 20:7, Deu 5:11

Are they in violation of the commandment given? (Okay, to be fair, they had also made an oath with Rahab earlier on, which is another "why?" to me.)

And the second issue that gripped me is that Caleb, the other person with strong faith who went to spy the land with Joshua, went to Joshua to, kinda, "demand" for his share of the land Moses had swore to him. Why is this episode penned? Purely to serve as an accurate account of how the lands were distributed? Or is it supposed to also serve as a premonition for something? (I can't pinpoint exactly what that something is now.)

Whatever the case is, by the end of Joshua, it seems that the Israelites had once again found favor in God's eyes. I think, if this were to be made into a movie, it wouldn't pale in comparison to the epic Lord of the Rings movie trilogy. But as we all know, all did not end well, and I think I should be able to find out more when I read the book of Judges tomorrow.

* Okay, to be exact, it is the division among the 11 tribes. The Levites were to live among the other 11 tribes, to serve as priests.

Last Sunday, I bought an album of a band that I adore. As a whole, the album is worth the wait and the money paid for. I love the entire album, and there is this one particular song which caught my "ear" most.

When you begin to search for the freedom you desire
Let go of our tightly held hands
Taking away my love and my sky
I don't know what to do
I thought I knew
Our love, our love

While I'm walking towards the end of time by myself
Memories brushed by me, taking away your love and your smile
I don't have the strength to endure the last lingering pain
Our love, our love

Let go of our love
Let go of our hands
If your heart is no longer with me
Let go of our love
I'm not waiting anymore
You gentleness is nothing but a blank
Let go of our love
Open our hearts
This time I've decided to walk out from our memories
To start all over again
So let me be crippled thoroughly
And then wake up from all these thoroughly

Finally understand our love is no longer around
From now on there is nothing for me to rely on
What is there for me to count on?

Lousy translation of the lyrics, but hope you'll still be able to appreciate the beauty within.

After a span of 3 days, I've finally finished reading the book of Deuteronomy. The first 3 chapters are the concise summary of the events that were recorded in Exodus, Leviticus and Numbers (although the Golden Calf incident is only mentioned in chapter 9.) Anyway, 3 chapters to summarize 3 books, how incredible!

Anyway, as expected, this book is like a "tenant's agreement", with blessings and curses to boot (chapters 27-28). Unlike the first time Moses recited God's command, this time the crowd listening to the laws were the second generation Israelites (the first were those who came out from Egypt and died in the desert.) Moses' last breath both served as a closure of the old era and the beginning of the new, led by Joshua.

Now that I have completed the Pentateuch (in a month's time), I hope my reading will not slow down to crawl while reading the history books. I wonder which book of the old testament would I be reading one month down the road..... :)

I'm going to start reading Deuteronomy tomorrow, and if my not-that-good memory didn't fail me, and if my quick skim through didn't betray my stupidity, Deuteronomy is basically a "tenant's regulations" for Israelite. Argh!!!!! Legal stuff!!!! That means, there will be a lot of fine prints embedded within the book!!! If the Israelites have spent a considerable amount of time to read and dissect the laws[, not to mention finding loopholes to bypass/outsmart the laws], how much more effort I must put in to read the book?

Blessedly, all the mind-boggling legal stuff were tossed out of the window (actually, distilled to the essence) by Jesus, and established a new covenant with us, with (you've guessed it) a simplified set of commands! And blessedly, He doesn't demand us to fulfill each and every of the commands He has given, since He wants us to realize that we are saved by grace and grace alone.

So what has this got to do with my reading tomorrow? Fundamentally, it has nothing to do with it, but at least, I won't have to be that stressed when reading it. The only stress I think I might encounter is the "stress" to stay alert while reading!

I hope I would be able to uncover the "real" reasons why God gave the Israelites these regulations back then.

Today, blessed by God, was a very beautiful day. A sunny yet windy day, with a beautiful clear blue sky to go with. What more could I ask for? And what better way to spend it other than having fun outdoors? So, with a bunch of friends, we spent our day at the beach after lunch.

Most of us chose to cycle, and only 3 skated. Naturally, I belonged to the cycling group, 'cos I don't know how to skate! I don't think I would want to learn how to (unless my future girlfriend wants me to), since for folks around my age cannot afford to risk a fall. You simply have no idea how much complications a fall might constitute for people of my age. Anyway, although we left for the beach at around 2pm, the cycling/skating session only started at around 3:30pm. And yes, you've guessed it: waiting for the whole gang to turn up was the main culprit.

Anyway, it was a very fun experience, and during the process, I learnt a couple of things. For example, it is only today I found out [censored by editor, as to protect the integrity of the said person/people]. And hence, get-togethers are a great way to dig for all these "hidden secrets".... :p

[And of course, the biggest question remains as: Shouldn't I be at home studying?!!!]

Whatever the case is, I'm grateful that God has given us a great day to have fun outdoors, and the fellowship that we had. If there were to be any complaints, it would be: argh!, why am I still not tanned after spending [almost] a whole day under the sun?

Do you think your life's in a mess? Like right now? I'm feeling that way now, and it's not doing me any good.

Just last Friday, after the sharing of a lady friend of mine, I couldn't help but wonder how messed up her life is. She's in a state of total self-denial, using her busy work schedule as a convenient escape from her messed up life. I reflected upon this and was surprised that I'm no better than she is.

The previous blog entries all oozed the lamenting odor, filled to the brink with the wallowing in my own sorrow of still being single, and why the pharmacist gal isn't the one. And the recent blog entries are "replaced" with observations made while reading the Bible. Is this my way of escaping from my messed-up life, conveniently going back to God's Word? Or is it genuinely a thirst developed for His Words? I don't really know, and I'm not that keen to find out the answer. Perhaps, living in the illusion may eventually bring some good out of it.

But what if the escape from the harsh reality now will incur a much heavier impact in life later? I think this would most likely be the natural outcome, since delaying the time to face a reality wouldn't do me any good. There is an age old saying which goes something along the line "Wisdom grows with each incident experienced". I've focused too much on the wounds sustained and ignored the lessons I could learn from the incidents. And I think, it's about time for me to face the music, with God by my side.

Incredibly, I've finished reading Leviticus over the span of 2 days! At this amazing speed, I think I should be able to finish reading the Bible once through by the end of this year, if nothing of utmost importance draws me away (the only foreseeable one would be the CFA exam).

Anyway, I found that God has implicitly taught the Israelites how to take care of themselves, their fellow people, the land they are going to live in, and the foreigners (termed as "aliens" in the scripture). His commands even took care of the women in a time which they enjoyed a next-to-nothing privilege, a time which they had a very low social status. I'm really amazed how civilized the Israelites were, with these laws that are so modern, commands that are so advanced in the age back then.

God made a very explicit statement of our relationship to the land on this planet:

"The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you are but aliens and my tenants" (Lev 25:22)

Everything under the sky belongs to Him, and there's truly a great reminder when we greedily try to acquire more wealth for ourselves!

Now I wonder how long will I take to complete Numbers?

Received an email from Min, all the way from Japan! (She's there to participate in the World Expo 2005 at Aichi, and the tourism board people engaged her for 3 months to promote the local arts scene.)

Oh well, she emailed me 'cos she saw this anime, H2O on television and somehow I popped into her mind (okay, I lent her the manga last year, that's why.) And quite interestingly, she asked "How's your love life?"

Hmmm..... my non-existence "love life"..... How should I reply? After giving some thoughts, I simply replied "non-existence"....

Anyway, it's really weird, I kinda miss her now. Well, even though I don't usually converse with her after church service, and we don't go out together that often, but somehow, her absence, especially now that she in the Land of the Rising Sun (my dream honeymoon destination albeit I've already visited it once), seems to affect me in one way or another....

Whatever the reason, I pray she'll come home safe and sound..... and bring back some souvenirs for me! :p

Anyway, gotta sleep now.... Jogging awaits me in the next morning.... :)

Exodus is starting to drag with all the specifications for making the tabernacle and the furnishings, as well as some of the regulations the Israelites must observe. And blessedly, before I dozed off reading, the episode of Aaron fashioning an idol in the shape of a calf (of all things, a calf!?!) came up and took away my inattention.... I have no idea how I am going to "survive" through Leviticus.... (Lord, grant me the patience and energy to finish that!)

Anyway, not much observations made other than having a couple of "Huh?" moments while reading chapters 21-33. Why did God give Moses the instructions in a very repetitive manner? For example:

"Make a courtyard for the tabernacle. The south side shall be a hundred cubits long and is to have curtains of finely twisted linen, with twenty posts and twenty bronze bases and with silver hooks and bands on the posts. The north side shall also is to have curtains, with twenty posts and twenty bronze bases and with silver hooks and bands on the posts." (Exo 27:9-11)

Why couldn't God just say "the north and the south shall each be...... blah, blah, blah" instead of repeating Himself? Was Moses having trouble or too slow in taking notes on the specifications given? Maybe his pen ran out of ink.... Or maybe Moses had problem using AutoCAD^®, drafting the blueprint on-the-fly while God was giving His requirements... Or more likely, Microsoft^® Windows™ crashed and the Blue Screen of Death slowed the requirements gathering... There must be a reason why the author of Exodus (believed to be written by Moses) chose this style of narration.... Anyway, if my memory didn't fail me, Leviticus will be very similar in style in its narrative. (By the way, follow this "interesting" link and take a look at the pictures people took at the locations they saw the dreaded Blue Screen of Death.)

I've asked the pastor and she told me, "Even the Jews spent a long time to read and digest this, so you needn't expect yourself to understand it completely. Continue to read. Just have a rough idea what God said and find out why in the lessons I'm going to conduct in the [near-]future."

Oh well, I guess I could only do that [for the time being]..... :p

Slow progress, but I'm currently at Exodus chapter 20.

The Israelites are really a blessed race. They are chosen by God to be the representatives of Him back then, and the entire race experienced God's deliverance time and time again. They walked through the Red Sea, they've tasted manna [which must be heavenly (pun intended)], drank the bitter-turned-sweet water in an oasis and they were led by God (pillar of cloud by day and pillar of fire by night). And the best part is: they were to consecrate themselves just by washing their clothes (Exo 19:10)! How simple!

But even with these "first-hand" experiences, they failed to fear God repeatedly when their basic needs were not met.

"Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!" (Exo 14:11-12)

""If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death." (Exo 16:3)

These were only a couple of complaints the Israelites made while they were in the desert after the exodus. They fell back to their old frame of thought, always thinking that the old way of life was so much "better". However, each time when their cries were brought to God, their needs were met. God loved them so much but they couldn't register it in their minds.

Am I, in any way, different from them? Freaking NO! I, too, always fall back to my old ways, holding dearly to the authority of my life, refusing God to reign in me. I've experienced, although in a much, much smaller scale, the miracles God has worked in my life, and yet, when was the last time I really counted my blessings? Like the Israelites, I would just lament and then present my "wishlist" to Him after my last one was fulfilled (or wasn't).

But is situation really that hopeless for me? Luckily (or should I say, blessedly), it's not all that hopeless. Despite the Israelites kept failing God, He still loved (and continue to love) them. And that, to me, means God will also love me for who I am despite my shortcomings and repeated failures (failing Him, that is; not the other failures I have.) Yes, this is a very fundamental theological issue, and yes, all new believers know this, but isn't this still a wonderful revelation of God, especially when we are spiritually "under the weather"?

One very important statement Joseph, son of Jacob (later renamed as Israel) made before interpreting the Pharaoh's dreams was missed out by me in my past attempts to read the Bible.

"I cannot do it,"" Joseph replied to Pharaoh, "but God will give Pharaoh the answer he desires." (Genesis 41:16)

Despite Joseph's repeated proclamation of him reigning over his brothers, of in control over [almost] all things in the house of the Potiphar, of him being placed in charge of the jail he was serving in, of his accurate interpretations of the cupbearer's and the baker's dreams, and now of him being summoned to the Pharaoh, Joseph have never held pride in his heart for he knew God was the source of his blessings. What a godly man he is!

I yearn to be like him someday.... :)

Another thing I noticed today is that Jacob seems to be either a coward or diplomatic man. He feared his brother Esau would unleash his wrath upon him when he was on his way home [as commanded by God], and hence he sent numerous gifts for his brother, hoping to pacify Esau if Esau were really to be angry. But I would guess he's a coward, since he seemed to be a tad too wary of his brother's offer to travel with him [as well as leaving his men with Jacob as escorts].

Whatever the case is, I've read till Genesis 41 while commuting to work today... :)