After several entries on book reviews and the impact they brought into my life, as well as one video clip post, it's about time to blog on something more personal.

A lot of things has happened over the span of two months. Things like:

• Mum had her final chemo treatment two weeks ago.


• I had my birthday last week.


• Angela left the company one day before my birthday.


• Sharon had her birthday one day after mine.


• Sharon was married last Sunday.


• J.K. Rowling released her last Harry Potter book one day before Sharon's wedding.¹


• Sharon's grandmother passed away one day after her matrimony.


• I overcame my procrastination today and finally opened a trading account.

Other than the relief that Mum manages to endure through the entire chemotherapy, Sharon's marriage affected me quite a bit. I mean, Sharon, one of my very few good friends, has become a wife of another overnight, whereas for me, I'm still looking around for a soul mate. Seeing her getting married reminds me of my desire of settling down, and that is one painful emotion I hate to have it stirring within me.

Life is full of ups and downs. And life is so short. Before I know it, I've already lived more than one-third of my expected life expectancy. Despite feeling as if it happened yesterday, Mum had already undergone one surgery and eight chemotherapies. Life is too exhilarating a ride for the faint of heart, and most of the time, I spent it agonizing over things that I should have done which I did not. I seldom regret, as I believe regretting is one soul draining emotion, but I don't seem to be doing any better with agonizing either.

God has blessed me so much, but I have squandered almost everything. However, a fellow Sunday school teacher sent me an inspiring Powerpoint, and in it, the following sticked in my mind:

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

Life is one journey that having a companion can help to ease the downward spiraling moments. For now, I just have to believe Christ is more than enough for me in this journey. I have the ability and freedom to choose how I want to spend the rest of my life. Since I still have quite a distance to cover for this journey, I think I might as well choose to be joyful... :)

¹ Actually, I was not really excited about it.

What if the internet crashed?

I finally understand my pattern of choice after reading The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less. What it enlightens me the most is when Barry differentiates the behaviors of Optimizers (aka Maximizers) and Satisficers.

By and large, I am a satisficer in most things, but when it comes to relationships, my "must only go for the best" desire takes over my mostly satisficing nature, and turns me into a maximizer! No wonder I couldn't get into a relationship for so long! No wonder I have always been unhappy about my singlehood!

Barry explains in his book that too much freedom actually burden, instead of liberate, our minds because we have to keep making decisions. Imagine having to choose from a dozen flavors of chips, drinks, and biscuits when you are in a supermarket. And that's excluding the brand! There are just too many choices for our puny minds. And now, imagine choosing from a dozen types of medications, without a doctor's recommendations, for whatever illness you are suffering from. This time, a wrong choice may cost your life. Sometimes, life is easier when well-informed people/professionals make some decisions for us.

Barry also says that the (tremendous) efforts spent searching for the best (clothes, spouse, jobs, etc) essentially drains the energy out of a person (most likely a maximizer). By the time a maximizer makes his decision, he will still have a lingering thought that something better is just 'round the corner. Therefore, maximizers rarely enjoys their decisions despite the huge amount of effort spent searching.

I enjoyed reading this book, as it brought an awareness of my maximizing behavior. Next book to conquer: The Art of Possibility: Transforming Professional and Personal Life.

Just completed reading The Undercover Economist, and I walked away a little more enlightened on the subtle effects economy have on our daily lives. For example, I finally know why stores have sales every now and then, and why designs of packages of local supermarkets' own products are always so bloody ugly.

I have always hated economics, and have kept myself out of its reach. To me, economics is a super dry subject, that only the hardest of the hardcores can endure through. Since that is the case, why drove me to read Freakonomics and The Undercover Economist? Well, I chanced upon these two books in the bookstore, attracted by their cover designs, read a couple of pages, found them interesting, and eventually borrowed both from the local library and my brother's girlfriend.

So, in a way, am I judging two books by their covers? .......... :p

Just before we started our worship practice, Michelle¹ said she was very surprised to find out my real age; she thought I was in my early twenties In her words, "you don't look your age, act your age, and too cheerful to be your age!" I was very flattered because these praises came from someone who is almost a decade younger than me! Well, I am really blessed to have such a youthful look and jovial character! :)

¹ Nope, this Michelle is not the Michelle I (used to) like.

I have just finished reading three books: Prayer: Does it Make Any Difference?, Idiots at Work: Chronicles of Workplace Stupidity, and Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything.

I'm one person who relies heavily on public transports, and thankfully, I don't idle my time away while traveling. Unless I'm very tired, I normally want to spend my traveling time reading. These daily one-hour reading sessions (made up of two half-an-hours), though insignificant individually, really add up quickly, and for which I am grateful to God for.

Not too long ago, I accompanied one of my friends on his car-shopping trip. Ever since, I have been thinking whether I should also buy one. After all, if I own a car, I would be able to save all the time commuting, especially to places where I have to switch between buses and trains. However, as mentioned earlier on, I realize my time isn't wasted; I recalled one of my cell members lamenting how she had lost her time reading the Bible after acquiring an automobile.

I thank God for my reading habits, as well as being able to count my blessings. Unless there are really good reasons to buy an automobile, I will continue to stick to my daily reading "ritual"... :)

Whatever happened that affected me during the past weeks has changed me for the better, or so I thought.

After that incident, I actually slipped into "low energy" mode (read: pseudo-depression) for almost two weeks. I thought I could condition myself to contain my emotions, thereby ending all my "woes of immaturity." I was wrong in my intention, but I walked away with another important lesson.

I reflected and realized I had the freedom to choose. More specifically, I can choose how I want to feel. No doubt, the comment was the reason in my temporary behavior change, I realized I could change how I wanted to feel in almost an instant. I found that I could slip into depression easily simply because I conditioned myself to do that. Yes, I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and even The 8th Habit, but I did not made the habits an integral part of me. However, my recent change is effectively the first habit of the 7: Be Proactive.

(Before I continue, I must make a disclaimer: I am not promoting any literature despite my numerous quotes of them.)

Stephen Covey says that the gap between the stimulus (e.g., a traffic jam, work overload) and our response lies our freedom to choose. I always know of that freedom, but only intellectually. Reading Awaken the Giant Within when that incident happened made me realized my (in)ability to choose my responses. In the words of Covey, "it is our willing permission, our consent to what happens to us, that hurts us far more than what happens to us in the first place." And in Robbins', "it's our decisions, not the conditions of our lives, that determine our destiny."

I fully acknowledge that the world is unfair, and for some people, if not most, having the freedom to choose seems like a luxury. But the more I dwell on this subject, the more convinced I am that freedom to choose is a gift from God, right from the start! God gave Adam and Eve the freedom to eat "from any tree in the garden; but [they] must not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil" (Gen 2:16-17). This gift is given to everyone, including those who think they do not have. (I apologize if I sound dogmatic here, but I really don't intend to. I'm blogging this to share the change I've experienced.) Paul Arden's book It's Not How Good You Are, It's How Good You Want to Be: The World's Best Selling Book is excellent resonance of the freedom to choose truth.

From the wisdom I have gained reading from these books, the revelation that the freedom to choose is God's gift, and the incident that just happened, I cannot help but wonder whether this is one of the ways the Potter's hands is molding me.

I do occasionally (maybe once in week or two) fall into the self-victimizing trap, but I am working towards exercising my freedom to choose joy and peace in every waking moment. Being jovial is in my blood; trying to behave something else is simply against my nature; I will not choose to behave in any another way that is simply not me.

With that said, I've just bought The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less. An irony? Nope, I simply want to learn how to better use my freedom to choose. ;)

The most innovative cursor in the world!

I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
(Erase all the pain 'till it's gone)

I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

(Chorus of "Somewhere I Belong", by Linkin Park)

I just roared at Angela today, insisting on the decision I had made. I blew my chance with her. I am not fit to be with her.... I am so disappointed with myself....

For the umpteenth time, someone passes the remark that I am immature. Okay, to be fair, she said something more along the line of "I feel like I talking to a younger brother."

This immature thing has been, and almost always be, the killer blow that bars me entry into a relationship. I don't think I am that immature; I think I'm more lively and chirpy. I don't usually behave during casual conversations; and I sometimes drop a few jokes during unnecessarily tensed meetings (of course, I'm on good terms with those present!). But I have no idea why someone would perceived this as immature.

If I'm immature, I wouldn't have started financial planning years ago. If I'm immature, I wouldn't have constantly upgrade myself. If I'm immature, I wouldn't have endured all the long working hours (and miss the learning process).

Argh.. this blog entry makes me feel... immature....

Under the weather again... The second time for this year... I am down with fever again... Normally, I will only fall sick twice a year (other than lovesick), but I guess the main reasons could be I am getting old, and I'm too stressed....

Despite that I have always wanted to learn the art of speed reading, I decide to first read Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity, written by David Allen. And I am not disappointed with my decision in doing so.

I have always been a "professionally" procrastinator for all my life. No doubt I still complete my tasks, I, more often than not, tackle the tasks when, in Allen's words, "they blow up." :p

Well, my tertiary education may have shaped my character that way; I was taught "by hook or by crook, as long as you get things done." And I have no idea how the hell I managed to mangle that principle, and bring my procrastination to the next level. Oh well, no point crying over spilled milk now.

The blessed thing is: I know I am a big-time procrastinator, and I actually want to change for the better. However, the sad truth is: I procrastinated getting rid of my procrastination! What an irony!

Anyway, I can't say I have turned over a new leaf for good (for now, at least). But with Allen's coaching, I think I have finally found the key to say goodbye to procrastination forever... Er... I think I will find out that in three months' time when I reflect on this again... I'm hoping that I won't procrastinate reflecting then.... :p

I attended Karine's father's wake today with Sharon. Despite having attended so many wakes, I still don't know what to say. Therefore, I chose to be myself - I tried to crack jokes (subtle ones) and hoped I could cheer Karine up.

When a person is dead, he belongs no longer to this world; the irony is that the living are the ones left mourning for the dead. Christians mourn too, but we believe death is only a temporal separation; eventually, we will reunite in His kingdom.

However, I wasn't thinking so much about the dead; I was more interested in the living. After all, it is the living who need to carry on with life, here on this world. I remember one very meaningful phrase, which goes something like:

Although it is the shortest in length on the tombstone, the dash between the birth and death years represents the most important part of that person's life.

I cannot help but wonder: how meaningful will my life be? How meaningful will yours be?

After an excruciating one week, I finally managed to migrate my OS to Windows Vista. I did not expect the migration to take this long, but as I was preparing for the migration - with activities like backing up email account settings - I realized my hard disk's cluster size was setup wrongly. I had to spend a few days moving all the data from one drive to another, delete the partitions, re-create the partitions, and move everything back again, before I could start the proper upgrade. However, even after installing Windows Vista, I had to source for compatible drivers, and anti-virus software. And in the process of troubleshooting my sound card failure, I damaged my RAM, and I spent 200 bucks to replace and upgrade my RAM to 2GB.

Is it worth the effort migrating to Windows Vista? So far, I think it is, especially after experiencing the Aero interface!

Well, I think I am love-sick today...

I was emitting excessive heat throughout the entire day, and even though today wasn't especially cold, I was shivering. Some of my muscles were aching and some of my joints weak. I felt very tired and could hardly concentrate.

Sigh.... Angela is on leave today, and that may be the reason why I'm love-sick today.... :p

I was utterly disappointed with myself yesterday.... I couldn't believe I felt and behaved the way I loathed: I was jealous with Shing Fuu over Angela....

Well, they are best of friends, and no matter whether they are in a relationship or not, I ought not feel jealous. After all, I reasoned that when I felt jealous, I was in possessive mode. But Sharon told me I was simply in love with Angela. Sigh, just when I thought I was getting out of the Elena saga......

Third day into mum's first chemotherapy cycle and things aren't looking that good. She is feeling tired easily today and suffers from nauseas. Well, since these are the common side-effects of chemotherapy, I am not too worried; what I'm worried about is that these side-effects have affected her moods. I'm hoping that these side-effects will subside soon (I think it should happen on the fifth to seventh day of chemotherapy).

On a separate note, I received my CFA results this evening, and, well as expected, I failed. I think I will take the examinations again, cos I don't believe I am that stupid. What I lack is the discipline to study, and I am hoping that I will pull up my socks, study and pass the damn exam. Nope, I'm doing it not because I want to prove that I am not dumb; I'm doing it 'cos I want to cultivate the discipline to complete the things I'm set to do.

I am thankful to all my friends for encouraging me these days. My moods are picking up, and I am almost back to the jovial self. I guess a happier and less worried me will help in mum's attitude towards her upcoming treatment.

Although it is already quite late, I still want to list my resolutions for 2007. I think making resolutions do help me keep a check on what I want to do for the year. But before that, I would like to review my 2006 resolution list.

Out of the ten resolutions I've made, I think I have only managed to stick to doing the following three resolutions:

• Reading through the Bible once.
• Exercising more often.
• Bringing more joy and blessings to people around me.

Actually, the last item ("bringing joy...") is arguably questionable, 'cos I have no idea whether I've brought blessings to people around me (after all, I don't around asking them whether I've blessed them). However, I am very happy that I have read through the Bible once (completed that in September), and that I've made more effort in joining my company's jogging gang.

Okay, now let's go on to my resolutions for this year:

1. Spend more time with God (I don't think I've spent enough with Him last year; besides, is there such a thing as spending enough time with Him?)
2. Develop more patience and love for the people around me. (Again another recycled resolution, but with a twist: I must learn how to listen better before uttering a word.)
3. Spend more quality time with my parents (especially mum).
4. Inject more passion to everything that I do. (That way, I would enjoy the activities more.)
5. Read the Bible through once again. (How else to know God better?)
6. Internalize at least 3, of the 7, habits of effective people. (Another recycled resolution, but I think it is a good goal to work towards to.)
7. Leave behind the past, and be more active in getting dates. (More on this later.)
8. Read more financial related books. (Though I love reading IT-related books, I think I should develop a deeper and active interest in gaining financial knowledge.)
9. Take a Masters in Finance course. (To improve myself, and my market value.)
10. Master speed reading. (Again, a recycled resolution.)
11. Blog more often (and sort out my thoughts as I blog, and have a good laugh when I read the past entries).
12. Be more disciplined in the projects I embark on (regardless of personal or official projects).
    

Again, this is quite a list to work with, but then again, sticking to any one will bring me 8.33% closer to sticking to the entire list. From last year's list, I was at the 25% (or 30%) mark.

And now, to address the controversial resolution #7. I have been too stubborn with my affections for Elena. Inasmuch as I would like to continue carrying a torch for her, I think I am barring God from pointing me to the actual Miss Right. Well, Elena might still be the one; but if I give up the whole garden for this flower, how then am I able to know that she truly is the one? A person can only be deemed as "the one" when he/she is compared to/selected from a group of people, which the phrase "one in a million" describes adequately. Other than my depleting youth, I also wish to fulfill my mum's wish in seeing me settling down. That sounds kind of cliche (and highly controversial), but then again, I realize people don't (usually) live just for themselves. From my mum's incident, I see that making people around me happy (i.e. living for them) shouldn't just be a "I do it 'cos I feel like doing it" thing. Yes, I know, and must be clear, that my desire to settle down should not be purely an act to make my mum happy (I have to be fair to the other party after all). In any case, I must be active in expanding my social circle, not only for the purpose of trying to get hitched.

It will be a busy year ahead, and with my mum's conditions, I might be emotionally stretched. I hope I will be able to pull through, with Him as my companion as I kick off this year's journey.

what better day than today to blog?

A lot has happened in since my last entry. A lot of terrible things.

I was hellishly busy with work, so much so that I had to make cameo appearances every now and then when I was on leave. But on the whole, I usually felt the sense of accomplishment whenever I met a milestone.

However, things haven't been rosy at home. I felt lost when the doctor diagnosed my mum was suffering with colorectal cancer, even after they performed an urgent surgery on her. I felt a sigh of relieved when the chemotherapist told us that the surgeons had removed everything they suspected and there should no cancerous cells left in mum. However, as the pathology report showed that mum's cancer was in last stage (but thank God, it wasn't terminal), mum needed to undergo chemotherapy to destroy all remaining, invisible-to-the-naked-eye cancerous cells.

Although the rest of my family could finally breathe a sigh of relief, I still couldn't help but worry for mum. I have a lot of what-ifs in me, and I haven't really been able to pick up my moods these days.

I am thankful for all my church friends who are praying for my mum... And I really appreciate all my friends for forgiving my lousy moods these days...

For now, I could only hope and pray that mum will pull through the chemotherapy and enjoy family life again...