Have been extremely busy last week, so much so that the earliest time I could rest my head was normally after 12-1am...

And last week was one of the most agonizing weeks I've ever been through... Work wasn't the only thing that kept me busy; affairs of the heart were torturing me too....

Well, as mentioned in the previous entry, I was advised to start the proper communication with Elena, which to my dismay, it didn't occur last week. I kept looking for the chance to do it, but either I was too caught up with my stacking work pile, or somehow she left earlier than usual.

"You know what? During one of those days while I stepped out of the office in my 'dazed mode', Elena tried getting my attention by waving her hands in my face when we dumped into each other in the lift. Then we chatted a bit before she left for her friend's place." Shaun told me, over lunch today.

That account from him dealt a severe blow in my heart, 'cos pessimistically, I believed I would never receive the same treatment Elena has given to him. Well, deep inside, I admit that I do hope she hasn't developed a liking for Shaun, and of course, Shaun hasn't developed one for her too (yes, I know I'm being very selfish here). But the blow geared more towards the side of "why-the-hell-am-I-not-talking-to-her"...

For one thing, I am the very person who wants to get closer to her, to know her, and to love her. But I, too, am the very person who seems to be the one standing between Elena and myself. If the "signs" God has given thus far is that she is the one, why the hell am I doing the very opposite thing?

I don't know, but I know deep inside, loving her with my all is the very thing I desire to do for the rest of my life. However, ironically, thoughts of giving up surface every now and then, lulling me to take the easiest path to resolve this "thorny issue". But I know, I know that I desire to spend the rest of her life with her. Why, then, is there two conflicting forces within me, tearing the vulnerable me apart? Are my past experiences in being rejected holding me back, convincing me to "play safe"? Damn it, but isn't "playing it safe" the surest way to rejection again?

Why do I keep thinking that "shielding her from as little pressure as possible" my best attempt in courting her? Yes, I know hard sell isn't going to do any good either, but is my "least-pressure-exerted" attempt actually my cowardice in disguise? I reckon my timidness is actually the truth, but damn it, why couldn't I just overcome my very own weakness that I know so well of?

I don't know... I really, really, really love her, and I don't want to regret for the rest of my life... God, I pray, not for more courage to be bestowed to me, but for the wisdom and determination to muster all courage You have already given me since the day You have knitted me in my mother's womb....

Pray for me, too, will you?