I'm back blogging, and this first entry isn't that triumphant....

One thought popped in my mind today, and till now, I couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer (for myself.) This is one age old question, and seriously, I've been brushing it aside for a long, long time....

What if I were to be diagnosed with an incurable disease, and I only have, say, 6 months left?

Well, if I contracted a fatal virus, like H5N1 (or more commonly known as bird flu), I don't think I would have that much of a problem since death is usually quite swift thereafter. But, assuming I'm in the last stage of cancer (say brain cancer), I asked myself what I would want to do in my last 6 months (or less) on this world; and I couldn't come up with any good answers for myself.

In movies, (auto-)biographies, and maybe even testimonies (second hand accounts, that is), these people would fulfill their last dreams, do meaningful things, and make proper arrangements to ensure the well-being of their families are taken care of. Yes, there are also some who deny the cold, hard facts and wasted more than half of the remaining lifespan before coming to terms (and I'm not too sure whether I will fall into this category.) And so, I assumed I would want to be like the first group of people (i.e. fulfilling dreams, do meaningful things, etc) and thought of the things I could do.

The first item, top from the list - fulfilling dreams. Sigh, this first one incidentally happened to be the first to left me stumbled: my dream all these years is to be blissfully married, and be both a good spouse and parent. But it would be incredibly difficult to find one who is willing to marry a dying person. And hell, this is impossible 'cos I don't even have a girlfriend! So, one unfulfilled dream.

Okay, perhaps I should lower my expectations - be in a relationship while I'm still alive.... But reality is harsh: if I'm unable to get attached all these years, what makes me think that it would easier for me when I have only 6 freaking months left?!! Perhaps, someone might pity me, and decides to fulfill my last wish, but damnit, that's not a real relationship! So, strike that *more realistic* last wish off the list....

Well, then, I guess the only thing I could do is to tell whoever she might be at that point in time that I like her. But so what? An act just to fulfill my last wish? To become more regretful that I didn't tell that person while I was still healthy? Sigh.... but I may just have to settle for this in place for the impossible dreams mentioned earlier....

What other dreams do I have? I asked myself again. Regretfully, I couldn't think of any and so I looked at the second item on the list - doing meaningful things.

Okay, what kind of meaningful things do I want to do? Things that, perhaps, will have a (tiny yet) meaningful impact on others. My passion lies with the kids, so I reckon I could frequent orphanages and do voluntary work. I'm not too sure whether that kind of work would add meaning to the remaining life that I have, but I guess that is the closest meaningful thing I think I could do.... But damnit again! I examined my motives behind this and uncover the question "Am I doing this just for the sake of doing it?" Think I ought to burn in hell - not even am sure of myself...

Disgruntled, I moved to the last item in the list - making arrangements for my family - and found that, other than contacting my insurance agent, there isn't much I need to do. After all, I don't own any other assets, so these arrangements can be made in a couple of days.

What then? After covering the last item in the list, I'm left unsatisfied with my "answers." OMG, my life is so freaking empty! Ambitions are bullshits in the face of death... No, include most things as bullshits.... Working on a closer relationship with our Creator? Harlow, I ought to be doing that now, not only when I'm dying....

Am I thinking too much (again)? Perhaps.... So should I leave these till the day the (in-)famous phrase "I'm sorry, you have only 6 months left" to be dished out from the doctor and slap me in my face? I don't know. I really don't know, but somehow, the issues of life and death seemed so real to me.....

And hell, I'm scared shitless.....

N.B.: Pardon the language used, but I think that expresses my feelings in a better manner....

Update: One other thing I could do - prepare myself for the day to have the angel(s) lead me to see our loving Father.... Standard answer, no less, but I guess this is one thing I could really do.... ;)