A lot of things happened since I last blogged. And one of them was my faith in God.

I attended a course A Walk Through the Bible, conducted by one of the pastors in my church on the 15th and 16th. Basically, it's a survey on the Bible. Well, one question raised brought me to shames: Have you read through the Bible at least once?

I must admit that I've tried and failed miserably doing that. The farthest I've reached was 1 Kings. "It felt like history, and back in school, history is my most hated subject."

Of course, that opens up a whole "Pandora's box"-full of questions in regards to my faith. Yup, I attend church faithfully (almost, and I'll address this later), serve in the worship and Sunday school ministries, leading (or more accurately, coordinating) cell group, and even attend morning prayers on Tuesdays. But somehow, I've always felt something is missing. And the pastor's challenge - "Put Jesus back into the cell group!" - struck a chord in me as I'm blogging now. (Oh, blogging does help sorting my mind....) Jesus was never in my life all these years! At least from my twisted perspective (and hindsight), He don't seem to matter so much to me all these years.

For example, if someone were to be very dear to you, how much time would you spend with him/her? Even when you were to be very(x7) busy, you would still try your very best to "squeeze" some time to spend with him/her, may it be just a short call or even just a sms.... But from my not-that-vague memory, I don't recall a time I really did tried my very best to set aside time for Him. (Oh well, I don't consider setting time to attend church, (Christian) courses, worship practice, cell group, etc as setting time for Him. I'm referring to setting time aside to read His Words, and waiting upon Him, not to rant or tell Him my "wish list", but to really to wait and listen to Him.) Basically, I don't think I'm fully submitted to Him. Time and time again, I've wrestled from Him the authority to lead my life, always giving secular things priority over Him.

I know it's never meant to be easy to be a truly submissive child of God. But that's where I stop: instead of learning to be submissive (yes, submission can be learnt), I stop at the understanding level and choose not to do anything. I know this cannot stop at the "in-the-head" level, but my lazybones, or rather my willful self, withheld me from taking the next step.

Of course, I do pray to Him, but prayer's never a regular activity I do. Needless to say, prayer normally occurs when I feel helpless. Of course, I do try to pray for others, but such prayers are very short-lived (currently, the record was 1 week). Even when I've "made-up-my-mind" to sit down and really, really pray to Him, such determination would only last at most a week or two, and I'll slump back into laziness. Talk about [my] perseverance in faith!

A few days back, something terrible happened, and my reactions posed the million-dollar-question: Are you really sure you're His child?

I was tormented for days, and even during these torturous days, I continued to respond in a, if I'm allowed to say, very ungodly manner. My mood hit rock bottom. Bearish. I was so agonized by my actions insofar that I didn't want to attend church at all last Sunday.

Perhaps, it was all foreseen by Him (well, it WAS foreseen by Him!), last Sunday happened to be the day Michelle was to be baptized, and I've already made up my mind long ago to make sure I give her my blessings on the actual day. I've also agreed to pass Adrian something last Sunday, which was agreed 2 Sundays ago. These 2 [not-very-valid] reasons almost didn't convinced me to attend church, until the very minute Adrian called my hand phone and asked "Today's service at 10:30am, right?" Well, wishing that Adrian would be more active in church (since the day he joined), I tugged my reluctant bones and headed to church. Even after I've alighted the train at the nearest train station to my church, I chose to take a walk instead of taking the bus to church (bus ride, discounting the waiting time, would take at most 3 minutes to reach, and the walk would take at least 10 minutes). Naturally, I took the "slowest possible" pace and started my walk to the church.

Well, when I was half-way through the "longest journey" to church, Adrian called my hand phone again and before I could answer it, he hung up. Then I heard a couple of car horns a few meters ahead, and there I was a hand waving at me. I couldn't see the driver but the color of the vehicle led me to conclude that it was Adrian's car. (I'm very lousy at remembering vehicle numbers, so don't test me on that, ever!)

Sigh.... I guess I could only relent.... My heart was still very heavy when I reached church, but since I was already "led" to the church by Him, I endured my "shame" and entered His sanctuary.

I missed the worship session, but managed to arrive "just-in-time" for the baptism ceremony.

After the brief uplift after witnessing Michelle's baptism, I felt the weight of my "shame" acting on me once again. I wished service would be over as quickly as possible so I could leave for home as early as possible. But Reverend C.A's sermon edified my heavy soul.

"The topic for today's sermon is 'Pursuing the glory of God while covered in wounds'...... The men were disgraced on Thursday and Friday, after what they have done to Jesus..... But when Jesus was resurrected and appeared before His disciples, He did not reprimand nor demand an explanation for their cowardice and betrayal. Instead, He asked gently, 'Do you love me?'.... Thomas even said he wouldn't believe unless he sees and touches the wounds on Jesus..... And Thomas was the first man in history to correctly proclaim Jesus as God.... If He were to resurrect with all His wounds healed, He would be nothing more than a supernatural being whom we cannot relate to..... His wounds are, therefore, very significant as they tied us closely to Him...... He glorified God with His submission and His death brought us, sinners, back to the Father....."

Of course, there's more to the sermon, but these words encouraged me. Yes, I've disgraced Jesus, and I know "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Rom 3:23) but after the "minor miracles" that have happened on Sunday morning, I've walked out from my shame and the dark shadows that have engulfed me for the past few days and I could feel Jesus asking me the very same question He asked Peter "Do you love me?"