I was kinda surprised this morning when I saw the message she left me, asking me out for coffee; this was the first time she asked me out. However, I wasn't too keen on the invitation, since I had the gut feeling she wanted to tell me about their relationship.

We went to a cafe in town, and conversation commenced after we settled down with our beverages purchased.

"So I heard you're helping out in the Sunday school. How is it as compared to the past?" she asked (The question is kinda redundant, since it was only a few years back when I joined the church.) "And I heard you are studying for CFA. How many papers are there? Is it like ACCA?" Another topic started right after the previous...

And hence, I "updated" her on myself, on the things she has heard from the rest of the gang. During which, she also told me of her "state-of-denial" of taking a specialist certificate for her pharmacist work.

"A quant? Wow, that's sound so... so Jedi-like...." she quipped. "Anyway, do you think it is a bit too early to rope in your friend, Adrian, into the worship team?"

Of which I continued to explain to her my reasons, and gave her a bit more insight on the situation Adrian's in.

"I heard you were quite keen in starting a cell group for singles."

I almost frowned. I thought she knew the idea was her boyfriend-to-be's, not mine.

"Well, the originator seems to be too busy to start anyway. I've prompted him for further actions but he didn't reply me." I replied.

"So, are you upset with the originator?"

"No. Why should I be? I treated it as a casual discussion over lunch..."

"Oh well, he purposely chose not to reply, 'cos he perceives that you still mind us seeing each other."

(Note that, there was still no mentioning of his name up till this point of the conversation. And tired of trying to refer to him abstractly through an alias [as "the originator"], I referred to him by name for the first time during the meet-up. However, they will continue to remain anonymous in the blog.)

"[He] has already told us of his course of actions in advancing his relationship with you in Jan, so even if [he] did choose not to reply [my email which was sent after his revelation of his plan] 'cos of fearing he might hurt my feelings 'cos of the two of you, he could still reply some time after that." I said (ok, I wasn't making sense here....)

"So, are you still upset?" she asked [again].

"No. Why should I be? I treated it as a casual discussion over lunch..." answering her [almost the same] question with [exactly] the same answer.

"No, I mean are you upset about us seeing each other?"

Ah.... the [real] agenda for the meet-up finally reared its head.... "I wasn't expecting this issue to come up...." trying to feign ignorance [for a while]. "No, in fact, I'm expecting this to come up.... Actually, I already knew how things are going to turn out last month [which he told us himself]. Even though back then nothing was official as yet between the 2 of you, with all the things already laid out on the table, I knew all that's going to happen is only a matter of time." I wanted to tell her I have been preparing myself for the day their relationship is made public, but eventually, I didn't. What's the point of telling her I still have feelings for her? It won't do any good to anyone of us.... Sigh....

"I just want to tell you [the things] about myself." She paused for a while, and continued, shaking audibly, "I'm so sorry for how things turn out...." [I think] I could see her eyes were slightly wet with tears. Tears are the most powerful WMD a woman can use against me.... sigh....

"Don't be. [If there were a need for an apology,] I ought to be the one [doing it]. After all, I've been bringing.... how shall I put it?..... I've been bringing inconveniences to everyone for the past few months. You really don't have to be apologetic in any way.... One cannot force another to love, and since all these things that are happening are just a natural progression, there isn't the need to apologize." I continued, "However, to be pragmatic, there's no way we (referring to the rest of the gang and us) can be how we used to be like in the past. We just have to carry on with life as it is now."

"Are you keeping yourself busy to keep things off your mind?" she asked.

"CFA - yes; Sunny school - I think no. Well, busying myself with things is the best way to keep things off my mind, so why not? Besides, I'm just fulfilling a [stupid] plan I've made for myself a few years back. I told myself: if I don't get married by [my age this year], I'll spend all the money I've saved up [for wedding] on studying. I'm merely fulfilling a plan in advance, so it's not entirely due to the things that happened [between us]." (ok, I must confess I've lied; it is MAINLY about her.)

I continued, "And with the fact that I've chosen not to switch to another church, not b'cos I cannot leave due to all the commitments I have, but a conscious choice, I would say it's quite a good outcome in itself."

"Yes... If you were really to leave the church ['cos of me], I would hate myself for a long time." was her response.

She became quiet, and the atmosphere was tensing up. "The air circulation in the cafe is already not that good, so don't make it worse with a tensed atmosphere." I tried (feebly) to steer away from the awkward topic (and why must I always be the one to do these sort of things in situations like this?)

Anyway, I was kinda successful and we did move on to other issues (such as the well-beings of our common friends in church).

"You'll eventually find the perfect girl... soon..." Ok, that's an "SOP"-esque (Standard Operating Procedure) remark made by her.

"I don't think so. I've no time for such things for the next 3 years. CFA is too time-consuming."

"Don't push away that thought. You'd never know when one will come into your life." (continuation of the "SOP"-esque comment.)

"Well, I don't want to put that in my mind for now. I just want to concentrate on my studies and if one really do appear, so be it. I just don't want to pin my hopes [on these things] anymore and in the end be disappointed."

"She might just appear at the time when you least expect it."

"We'll see how [things turn out then]....."

Then, quite a long period of silence ensued. All [her] outstanding concerns were [finally] straightened, and she seemed to be relieved from a heavy burden. She looked away, towards the direction of the soft, warm evening sun. She looked so beautiful...

"In any case, I just want to let you know that I am fine. So don't worry about me, if you are." Finally, the silence was broken by me. And she smiled...

"Even though you would be busy with your studies, do try to squeeze out some time to go out with us [for lunch, movie, etc]. I really would want to preserve the friendships I have [with you, and the rest of the gang]."

"[I'll] see how [things go]..." was my reply, 'cos I didn't want to promise something I might not be able to fulfill. "Anyway, I don't like Starbucks at all. They don't serve good mocha."

"Really? I don't like Starbucks too."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Well... anyway, I know of a place that do serve good mocha. And that place is...."

"There isn't a need to tell me that place. I'll most probably forget where it is."

"Oh well, the next time when we (including our friends as well) go out, we could patronize that cafe...."

After [another] short exchange of trivial issues, we left the cafe, heading back home. "See you tomorrow!" she said cheerfully....

And the moment I turned my back away from her, heading towards the train station, I could still feel the pain in my heart which lingered since the moment I saw her tears earlier on....

I still love her.... I really still do....