Last evening, prior the church's candlelight service, we practiced for the coming Sunday's worship. Although the vocalist was not feeling well, he still "dragged" himself to the practice, just because he had promised me he would turn up. At the end of the practice, he told me he would not be joining us for the service 'cos he wanted to go home and rest. "Feverish." he said. Being a (good?) friend of his, I, of course, wished him well and hurried him to go back to rest.

One of the keyboardists [of my band] did not turn up for practice 'cos she said she had some wedding dinner to attend. Well, if you have already promised your friend(s), then just go ahead, I'll try to find a replacement. And hence the practice went on with only one keyboardist, one bassist, one drummer, one vocalist and, naturally, one worship leader.

Just about 15 minutes before the service, I was very surprised to see my vocalist and my keyboardist appearing together (the 2 mentioned above), attending the service. One thought flashed across my mind, Don't sit with them, Find a seat as close to the exit as possible. Leave immediately once the service ends. For a long time, throughout the entire service, I could feel an unspeakable pain in my heart. I thought I was mentally prepared for occasions like this, but last night's proved me wrong. My healing wound, which may not even have began healing, was torn open again. I thought I could let go of her.

I've known her for about 3 years, since I started playing in the worship team. Initially, she appeared to be quite a hostile person, but gradually as we got to know each other more, she became friendlier. She's a pharmacist, working in a local hospital. A gal who is warm to those she knows, often paying a visit to those who are admitted into the hospital she's working in. She adores kids, especially her nephew. And I was attracted by her outgoing personality since August 2002.

She can be very foul-tempered. So foul is her temper that even she told us we are all very lucky not to have experience her full wrath when she's in a really bad mood. At times (infrequently though), we still do experience that albeit at a scale very much toned down.

In Oct 12 last year, I finally expressed my feelings for her when we were on our way home after paying a visit to one of our friend's newborn. She smiled at me, and said "I think you know why we can't be together." Totally clueless, we spent 2 hours in the train station to have her explaining her words, to have me persuading her to give it a try. During that 2 hours, she told me her criteria she's looking for, which includes traits like wittiness, outgoing personality, music lover, sense of humor, height (yes, height!), and many others. She said I've actually met 60 to 70 percent of her criteria, and I've "scored" (also) 60 to 70 % in each of those traits that I've met (except for height, 'cos I'm definitely taller than her). (That's the main reason why I kept trying to persuade her to give this relationship a try.)

"I don't want to waste your time.", "I don't want to enter into a relationship I don't see a future in." were some of the replies she gave.

"Who wouldn't want their relationship to have a "happy-ever-after" ending? If you don't try, you'll never know. The most important thing is we must be willing to give it a try, resolve the difficult issues that may arise, and grow together during the process. Even if it really doesn't work out, at least we've tried. Worries are so speculative!"

"No. I'm sorry. I hope you can understand. We still can be friends."

"You're a nice person. I'm sure you'll find a better girl." she added.

2 weeks later, on Oct 26 2003, I asked her again, and I was again turned down.

I kept replaying the scene in the train station in my mind, trying to convince myself that I might still stand a chance with her. I succeeded, and continued to hang onto my love for her, hoping that things would turn out fine in time to come. I stubbornly refused to heed the advice (to give up on her) from my friends. I was hopelessly beyond help.

Although I love her, I know I should not push my luck too far. I know she's the type who doesn't like people to force things she dislike down her throat. I took a few steps back, silently and patiently waited for her to change her mind. But a few months after my confession, she told me "to give up and stop waiting for her". I was devastated and started leaving the group of friends we usually hang out together. I wanted room for myself to heal.

On my birthday this year, which was on a Sunday, the vocalist friend asked me whether he could join me for lunch after the church service. The reason he asked was 'cos I've expressed my intention of not celebrating my birthday (after what had happened, I didn't have the mood for celebration). Well, it was going to be just a normal lunch so I agreed.

"Do you have someone in mind who you fancy?" he asked.

"Yes, I do have. She doesn't like me. But I think I will continue to wait."

"You know, you should give up on her. She's not suitable for you. She's stubborn and so are you."

I was alarmed, 'cos I thought he didn't know anything about it. "How did you know about this?", a question posed which the answer already flashed across my mind, she told you.

"She told me.... on the day you confessed to her."

"Oh, I see."

"Actually, I know she somewhat likes me. Remember the trip I took with her last September? I actually wanted to give it a try... to see if we can be together."

Somehow, I already knew that.

"... I was treated like a slave when we were in France. We quarreled over many things, but I gradually gave up quarreling and gave in to her demands, enduring her throughout the entire trip. Her temper's foul." he took a sip and continued, "However, since we have known each other for a long time, all of these were put behind us after we came back."

"So do you like her?" My heart pounded, in anticipation of the answer to be given.

"She's a nice gal, only if she can control her temper better."

"But if you truly love a person, you would accept her as she is; no matter what her flaws are, you must be able to accept them as part of her."

"Yes, I know. However, I still think she's really not suitable for you."

I could sense his words were sincere. He truly wanted me to move on with life and look around again for a lifetime companion.

I cannot just give up like that! And that thought spurred me on (naively) waiting for her to say "Yes."

On 17 Oct this year, 1 (leap) year and 5 days after the rejection, I gave her a jar of 366 origami seagulls, which symbolized that a full year has passed. She smiled and said "You've put me in a very difficult position." A (false) hope sprung inside of me, which at a later point in time, my friends told me "those words meant 'please give up'".

2 weeks ago, during one lazy afternoon in a cafe, that vocalist friend of mine hinted us that he may want to try "going out with her" again. I did not register that in my mind then, but last night, those words echoed in my mind. Didn't he say he was not feeling well? Why is he attending the service... together with her?.... I'll leave immediately right after the service.... swirled in my mind.

I believe they are still not an item yet, but that is only a matter of time....

I've stupidly given my all, even before expressing my love for her.... and hurt myself in the process... now licking my "fresh" wounds (well, I AM stupid to have loved a person without reserve even before a relationship began)... even deceived myself I've already given up on her (which I still haven't)...

1 year, 2 months, 13 days and still counting... I think it's really about time to (really and truly) give up...