I have been wondering what the hell I have been doing for the past 8 years being God's child.

I don't think I truly understand what it means to count the cost or carry the cross. Yes, I know salvation is free 'cos of His grace; but it is free to us (read: me) 'cos Christ has paid the price so I don't need to. It is a fact that I know, but my behavior seems to be telling me that I don't fully comprehend the great love Jesus has for me.

Tell me then, why is it that only during times of trouble I would pray to Him more regularly? Why is it that I keep falling to the same old sin? Why is it that I desire to be with Elena more than to be with God? For the past one month, I felt wretched and tortured by my ways, which like quicksand, kept pulling me in as fast as I struggled.

"Remember Jesus' words on the cost of discipleship?" God asked when I was going home this evening. And as I was composing this entry, I turned to the scripture on the cost of discipleship (Luke 14:25-35), God again pointed to me that He was to be at the top of my priorities. "There is no sharing, my child. 'If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple.' (Luke 14:26)"

I have to work on my walk with God again... God wants to be at the center of my life; self have to give way for Him...

I am contemplating whether I should buy a mp3 player or a mobile phone that can double as a mp3. The major disadvantage of getting a mobile phone cum mp3 player is that it cannot have as much storage space as a mp3 player (and usually sound quality is not as good); the major advantage is that I will never miss a call again when I'm plugged in. Hmmm.... It's quite tough to decide which one to get..... Advice, anyone?

I am feeling very tired..... Tired with everything, including living.... Somehow, I feel that my clock is ticking and soon I will be no more.... I just want a rest...

But don't worry, I won't end my life prematurely....

I have had enough! I really don't get: why are people using the word "revert" when they actually mean "reply"? According the dictionary, the most common usage for "revert" is "To return to a former condition, practice, subject, or belief".... Are people embarrassed to use a very common and easy-to-understand word "reply", preferring something that "sounds" more sophisticated/bombastic, all without realizing that they are grossly wrong?

People of this generation have assumed what they know for too long, and the dictionary is grossly under-utilized. No one, absolutely no one will ever hear me utter "Elena has reverted..." or anything along that line; I'll stick to "Elena has replied..."

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecc 3:1-8

After a long break, it's finally time for me to start hitting the books again... Revisiting the CFA textbooks isn't exactly the sexiest thing to do, but hell, how else can I spend my time more meaningfully than studying and not wallowing in self-pity?

Today - the first day being 28, as well as one that starts a new chapter in my life...

Years ago, I told myself that I would [try my best] to get hitched and be married by 27. And if I didn't, I would spend all that I have saved [for my wedding] to pursue another qualification. After all, I figured that I was hopeless if I didn't get attached by 27....

27 has just bade farewell to me yesterday. And all these years, time [and life] prove one thing to me: I'm indeed hopeless in getting hitched.

I used to write "Birthday hah? Happy lor!" on birthday cards. But somehow, I wished that today was another day that occur once-in-four-year (just like 29 Feb) or maybe even once-in-a-decade. No doubt it marked yet another year living, I didn't really felt happy about it. I know I have to count my blessings, but I desire something more - I want to spend my birthdays with that someone special (not necessarily Elena, but I would be thrilled if it's her).

Yes, I know I'm asking for a reprimand for saying that, and yes, I do appreciate having friends remembering my birthday, sending me well-wishes, and celebrating it for me. But I am tired of being reminded that I do have not that someone special to spend this special day with. Somehow, I felt depressed today; the funny thing is: I don't feel myself depressed on any other day.

I think it's really about time to move on and prepare myself for a new change in goals. Love has abandoned me for the longest time I can recall; it's about time I abandon love...

Birthday hah? Happy lor....

Today - my last day being 27.....

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the approaching train
unknown source, attributed to all whom optimists call pessimists and pessimists call realists

Strange as it may be (to me at least), I only feel a little disturbed/distracted by the revelation from my friend for the past two days. I thought I would be deeply affected, but somehow I wasn't. I believe two things are happening to me: God is sustaining me, and I have consciously chosen not to be affected by the revelation.

I don't know, either I am too naive or too optimistic, but somehow I still feel that I stand a chance with Elena. Haha, perhaps it's just mere stupidity at work, but whatever the case is, I still like her very much. I guess I have to shift my prayer focus to "will I be with her" to "prepare her heart and point her to the one"...

All I want to hope (for now) is that she will lead a happy (and blessed) life...

Well, today is not a very good day...

I had to sit through a meeting which didn't really concern me. And while defending my preference for a particular distribution workflow, the vendor raised his voice and ended our "discussion" with "the system belongs to me and I know it better than you!" Oh well, this is yet another instance a software developer (or owner, or systems owner) who thinks that it is better to stick to the original way to use the system rather than amend it and make life easier for the end users. I secretly wished I could just smack him and tell him "machines/software are made to make our work easier, not the other way round!" @#$%^&*

In the evening, I bumped into a long time friend in a shopping mall, and we decided catch up in a cafe. I knew she was working in the church which Elena attended, but I didn't expect her and Elena were close friends. Well, my friend revealed some not-so-good-yet-not-really-that-bad news to me, and that set me back thinking "what should I do next". Harlow God, what are you trying to tell me, especially at the time when my birthday is just 'round the corner?

Sigh............................ what the hell is going on in my life?!

Oh, what the hell....

I am always infuriated whenever I see the shredder machine overflowing. Bloody hell! Is whoever-responsible-for-the-overflow educated? Does he/she know what being considerate mean? To hell with the "it's the job of the cleaners" argument! Does emptying the overflowing box lower one's stature? @#$%^&*

If you think I love standing on moral high-grounds, by all means, go ahead. To me, being considerate, making another's job easier (or at least not harder than it already is) is more important than maintaining an "air of importance", which, after all, is an air one creates himself to deceive, who else but himself...

@#$%^&*

As if a ghost had appeared, she took the longer path to go back to her desk. But the ghost detected her shunning away, and played along with her by pretending not to have noticed her. When the ghost bade farewell to Francisca, it could almost feel her sighing relief as it left her world....

But that won't be the last of the ghost... It wants to be, for the rest of her life, the first thing she will see every morning when she wakes up....

I'm not sure about you, but I'm looking forward to next summer's coming now! All because of this....

The computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match.Bill Bryson

In the midst of face-lifting my blog again... Hope I can get it done by the end of the week....

I suffered insomnia and felt freaking tired at work. However, I still went for a jog to discharge the "lazy" energy within me, and surprisingly, I managed to complete the 7km route without dropping dead. I must thank God for keeping me healthy and safe all these times - I could have a heart attack while pushing myself when jogging; after all, I'm no longer as fit as I used to be.... Sigh, the side-effect of growing old..... :p

With each passing day, this blog seems to be an abandoned child... Oh well, I think I have idled enough, and it's about time I pull up my socks and enrich myself.

I have wasted half of this year doing almost nothing, and today, while I had tea with Ngee Kuan, I realized that I had been wasting myself away. It's not that he reprimanded me or whatsoever; it's just that life is more than rotting away.... Haha... :p

Anyway, since I couldn't do anything about my affection for Elena¹, I guess I have to look for some other things to concentrate on. Enriching myself should be a good choice.... :)

¹ From her observations, Francisca feels that Elena isn't prepared to enter into a relationship. I'll blog about this some other day....

If someone thinks that ending a relationship three days after it has started is an achievement, then what does that mean to a person who has been holding a torch for a year [or more] and nothing [positive] happens?

Needless to say, I fall in the latter camp, therefore effectively rendering myself an unconvincing person to comment on people who have the former camp's school of thoughts. I'm not implying that I'm an *authoritative* voice for the torch-holders, but I think my thoughts for this camp should at least more convincing.

Holding torches is not an easy thing to do. After all, it apparently requires more than physical attractions for a person to like another for a long time without any reciprocation. Therefore, not trying to defend myself, I think [long-term] torch-holders aren't "losers". In fact, I would like to suggest that [most] torch-holders truly understand giving is more important than receiving.

Hence, I urge whoever is reading this to continue to give your support to your torch-holding friends. Their journeys ain't a bed of roses; they'll need all the encouragements they can get.

And if you would, give me your encouragements too..... :)

I attended a "Effective Business Writing" course conducted by Barry Johnson on Tuesday, and I learnt a lot of things from him in the four days.

He taught us the different styles of writing letters, minutes and reports. He also taught us the importance of keeping our language simple. He said, "No one, no one will be able to understanding what you are writing if your fog index is above 11!"

He stressed that using difficult/bombastic words would not make a person appearing smarter. "Great man use simple words." In those four days, he corrected our grammar and style of writing, and I enjoyed his teachings greatly.

I would love to attend his classes again.

Harlow,

It has been a long time since our last conversation. How have you been? I noticed that you have been knocking off late frequently for the past few weeks, and I hope your stacking work-pile has diminished sizeably.

Well, I just thought of dropping you an email to let you know something that I believe you dimly are aware of. I longed to tell you that I like you very much. I'm a person who is lousy with words, especially when I'm with the person I adore. I guess you would have noticed how tongue-tied I was whenever I tried striking a conversation with you. I am never good in the "game" of courtship and I believe you should have sensed that too. Alas, I apologize for all the inconveniences/troubles I have unconsciously/indirectly caused all these times.

Actually, just a few days ago, I was agonized whether I should continue to hold the torch for you (despite that I have not been doing anything about this for a long time). I've prayed, but there wasn't any answer from Him. Then I asked myself: what is it about you that I like? Other than your smile, as well as the largely-inferred personality of yours, I couldn't find any other reasons. I asked myself again: why I should continue to adore you then?

"Why not?" was the answer that came swiftly to me. The answer wasn't "make-do with" in nature; far from it! I came to realize that I just adore you, simple as that. It's no longer just a feeling of chemistry that playing tricks (after all, I've been your "secret admirer" for the past one year) - a one-side love can only hold out for so long. Hence, I deduced that I adore you simply because I adore you as you are.

I hope you are still reading this, and if I have scared you, I sincerely apologize. You can have my promise that I won't intrude into your personal life/privacy. I just want to express my feelings for you 'cos I don't want to regret for not doing so (actually, I still have a little regret: I wished I could confess to you in person.)

I believe you will find your happiness in the man God is preparing for you. All the best and may His blessings shower onto you forever and ever.

God bless....

[Editor's note: An email I wished I could send to her. Haha, I'm just too much of a failure to do so.... Serves me right....]