I’m very vexed now….. I simply have no idea and don’t understand why I couldn’t have a proper communication with my dad… Perhaps it’s because he used to be super harsh on us and unreasonable at times. Most likely, that’s why I grew up not being so close to him… (yes, mum’s the one to whom I’m closer to…)

Just a couple of minutes ago, I was very unhappy with him when he wanted to hold me responsible for not making the necessary arrangements for automated property tax payment. Silently, though visibly unhappy, I told out the payment reminder and told him I’ve already paid the tax for this year. Okay, I realized that my flaring up was unnecessary, and of course unfounded, and I’m regretting now. However, apologizing is not an act freely expressed in my family, and hence I feel kinda weird to apologize to him.

I don’t know…. Aside from his bad habits (smoking, loud speaking), I actually do respect him as my father. I do realize that I would deeply regret on the day he leaves this world, and I ought to show him the appreciation for bringing us up… But somehow, there’s something within me that’s stopping me from doing that, and that something is causing me to feel angry with him instead…. My father used to be very unreasonable and strict with us but he has toned down a lot these years… But still, I couldn’t love him as much as I would like to…..

Perhaps, I need some more time to do that, and I hope it won’t on the day he leaves us….. Pray for me, ya?