A little makeover for the blog.... for the time-being, that is..... I'll try to do a complete makeover after my exams.

Anyway, I don't know if this is a cruel joke played on me (Nay! God isn't cruel...) but today, I bumped into Elena again while I was making my way to the Gents. I was deep in thoughts on how to solve a design problem and she was, I think, collecting some documents from another department. Anyway, I saw her, but as all my available resources were hogged by the design problem, I couldn't react fast enough to greet her with a smile. However, I think she took a very short glance (yes, I know glances are short in nature, but this is a super short one), looked away and turned towards the direction to the Ladies. Well, what is that supposed to mean? Had she already set her course to the Ladies before she saw me? Was it done in the nature of avoidance? Whatever it is, I'm more concerned with the question "God, what are you trying to tell me?"

I came to realize that I've unconsciously put in too much focus on a person I barely know (other than her age, her martial status, the area she lives in and her favorite color.) Am I digging yet another abyss to fling myself into [again]? I wish I could say no, but the truth is, I think I am doing the very thing that has hurt me in the past, although this time the situation is more dire than ever (remember, we barely know each other.)

Am I now trying to convince myself to stop this headlong rush towards yet another heart-breaking ending? I hope not too. I don't wish to give up this time; not for the mindless reason of just-wanna-get-attached, but 'cos this is the first time [I think] that I'm acting on my feelings actively. (In the past, I would usually take a long time to observe the person I was fond of, fall in love with her secretly for at least a year before confessing my feelings. And that confession usually ended with another year-long recovery period before I started looking for another.) I have always wanted to love another person, to share my life with, and to spend the rest of my life with. And this time, somehow, I've come to my senses that hey-you-need-to-be-proactive. Besides, I think Elena will make a good partner to live till ripe old age with. ;)

Anyway, I have no idea why my sociable and easy-going nature are all hibernating when I needed them most. I could easily chat with some colleagues I don't even work with, with new faces in the church, or even children? Ok, I'm stretching a tad too far with the children portion, but still, why am I so tongue-tied whenever I see her (or generally, the gals I like)?

After all these years of loving another secretly (yes, useless me!), I've handicapped myself in the ability to proactively court and express my feelings for someone I like. I'm doing worse than a teenager in love, and recently, I kept asking around for the adult-way-of-courtship! How bad can things get? Sigh.......

Whatever it is, my best bet now is to trust in God...............